Smarie78

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but one thing I am struggling with in addition to my own struggle with my relationship, is the fact that my sister has completely resented me for choosing to be with Abf. It's always been rocky since I shared with her all of his issues, but for the last couple of years I can't say it has gotten any better. I felt at one time like we got past the hump of it, but it seems the longer I stay the more she looks down at me. I know it is out of concern, and she has expressed that many times. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt a whole lot and really gets to my self-esteem.

We are twin sisters and amazingly close. Incredibly actually, even for twins. But ever since he has been in my life I really feel she has let go of me and what she thinks of me. She always calls me still and always wants to chat my ear off and always wants me to come over, will truly drop everything to be there for me, but there are moments where I feel she can't stand to be in the same room as me because of how sick it makes her that I am IAR with him. She hates him so much that it has felt it manifested into almost a hate for me. Last night we were at my parents house, and after I had a particularly rough day with him, I was in great spirits around my family. I was singing and dancing and being my usual silly self feeling good again when she felt the need to point out that I was being annoying when I was simply just happy. Now that I am working with her I feel like she even judges me at work.

Overall, I just feel really crummy. I more than any single person know that I should have something nicer. I know that I should not be with him, and I know that I have gotten myself stuck in this relationship that is very hurtful to me in many, many ways. That I am always trying to be a good person and help and often times that is abused (ironically my sis is also one of the ppl in my life who take advantage of my kindness when it comes to watching her boys, etc.). I am not ever saying to her "oh but he's so amazing I wish you would accept him!". I get it...I agree with her and her assessment of it. I really do. I just wish she wouldn't treat me like I am beneath.

So my question to you then is, how do I cope? I know I am working on detaching physically from him. It is taking me a long time, but I know I am making strides. They are just little. My sister doesn't see them and trust me I understand how frustrating it must be for people who love you who have to see you in a bad situation, even ppl here who know my posts I am sure get annoyed at me for still dealing with him. But somehow I feel punished by her. I feel small. I feel like she almost dislikes me as a person.

Has anyone here experienced that in your relationship? Knowing that it's bad and struggling to leave and having family and/or friends turn on you for it?

SparkleKitty

It's unfortunate that your sister felt the need to put you down when you were feeling good, but please be wary of 'filling in the blanks' of your sister's feelings with statements like "I feel she can't stand to be in the same room as me because of how sick it makes her that I am IAR with him. She hates him so much that it has felt it manifested into almost a hate for me." Just because you are feeling judged does not always mean you are being judged. And if you ARE being judged, that has far more to do with your sister's insecurities than with your relationship.

You cope by accepting your sister for where she is right now the same way you wish she would accept your for where you are right now. You know she is not someone to turn to for support on this subject, and while that is unfortunate, rather than linger over it, work on continuing to make sure you have a support structure in place that you can turn to.

We can't change our families any more than we can change the addicts in our lives. You don't have to allow her issues to influence how you feel about yourself, though I understand how powerful our families can be upon our self-esteem. But right now you need people who are in your corner no matter what. If she can't do that right now, well you need to find people who will.

Smarie78

Thank you sparkle. That was really great advice. The reason I wrote this just now is that we just met in the kitchen at the office for a coffee and she asked me how I was doing with him, then I could see as soon as I spoke she cringed, then stopped me and said "I'm sorry I really can't talk about him with you. In fact I can't even hear his name". She told me he makes her sick and how my parents would be stunned if they knew this was my life. And how can someone like me lower myself to be with someone like him. It really crushed me because I know it is true, and I feel terrible lying to my folks about this relationship so it brought me back to that. Sometimes when you are dealing with something kinda awful it is hard to have other people remind you how awful it is. I know that is where she is at right now.

Like you said, this is my own battle and I need to keep the outside voices quiet. I think we can still be close. I will just be sure if she starts to bring up his name I just stop her since it will escalate. I can let her know I am happy to chat, just not about him.

SparkleKitty

This is an interesting statement, and it struck me, as it speaks to how difficult it is on both sides of the Denial Fence. I'm not sure she is saying, "Your situation is awful," as much as she is trying to let you know how much your situation is costing you in terms of your relationship with her, and your parents.

It's a lot like how much you'd like your ABF to know how much the alcohol is costing him, no?

AnvilheadII

disclaimer....i'm an only child, i don't know what is like to have a sibling.....much less a twin, but i would think the person you shared a womb with, share split dna with, shared every birthday, holiday, event at the exact same age on the exact same day MIGHT have some insight into you????

think about what you are saying right now.....altho you THINK you MIGHT be edging closer to MAYBE cooling things off with the A, you are unwilling today to let go. however, because your twin has a negative opinion about the A and his influence and affect upon you, you are willing to put a barrier with your sister.

as i understand, there really is no stronger bond than that of twins. yes you are letting this sick dysfunctional going nowhere "relationship" start to sever that bond.

and for what?

Ariesagain

You may have to set boundaries together about what you can talk about.

In turn, she may set a boundary where she refuses to lie by omission to your parents for you anymore. I would, in her shoes.

This relationship is costing you dearly, yes? When you can't talk to your twin or your parents about something so primary...that's really a shame.

maia1234

Smarie,
You know inside what is right and wrong. You just aren't there yet. It's ok. We have to be "there" to officially make the changes. No different then an addict who is "there" to officially commit to stop drinking. I am sorry that this is coming to a head. She is walking away from you to protect herself from your pain. The same way us codies walk away from our addicts we love.

As painful as this is, it has to truly hurt our life to make changes. Keep reading, posting, working a program. It only took me 34 years, I was a very slow learner, please dont be like me. Hugs!!

Eauchiche

Dear Smarie
I have two sisters and I accept them exactly as they are. Part of this acceptance has led me to go completely "no contact" with them.

No one, not even your twin sister, has the right to tell you who you can date.

hopeful4

Just sending you a huge hug friend.

Smarie78

Thank you all. She would never walk away from me, we would never get to that point. I just want things to go back as they were when there wasn't an elephant in the room. She has a hard time because she has seen me historically in abusive relationships I can't seem to get out of. I don't blame her, as many of you said, it's like watching Abf historically make poor choices and see his consequences play out. My sister is a mother and a wife. She wants me to be one too (and I do too)...and she hates him for what she sees as manipulation I give in to.

Ironically enough, on Sunday I spoke to her on the phone for 13 minutes exactly. We talk every morning over coffee on the weekends. It's what we do, what we have always done. Even if I am going to see her later in the day. She has her coffee on the deck and calls me and we chit chat about nonesense. Eventhough the relationship has suffered we never miss a beat communicating and there are many moments where we both forget the situation I am in and can be normal. This past Sunday however, I chatted with her while Abf was over and we were just lazying on the sofa watching television. As soon as I hung up he told me how rude I was and how strange it is that I have to talk to her every morning even though I was going to spend the afternoon with her. He also mentioned how loud I was. Just made me feel like I committed a crime. I felt terrible when he said this. I didn't feel guilty terrible, I just felt like saying "F YOU!!!!" (lol)....I knew that a 13 minute call was nothing to be irritated over.

She is still #1 in my book and will always be. Even if I someday find a healthy relationship., I will always defend her (Abf hates it of course and said she controls me...ironic a bit?)

SparkleKitty

Ultimately, for me, the people who wouldn't pretend there wasn't an elephant in the room were the ones who inspired me to make better choices for myself.

These days, there's literally no one I would tolerate telling me I was being rude for talking to a family member on the phone in my own home. If they don't like it, they can go somewhere else.

tomsteve

more than likely she was hopin to hear ya finally ended the relationship.
because she loves you and knows you deserve better.

dont ya find it a wee bit jacked up,smarie, to put this man ahead of your own family? do you like lieing to your parents about it?

"historically in abusive relationships I can't seem to get out of. "
yes, you can.

i hope ya start acting and put you first.

tomsteve

I just want things to go back as they were when there wasn't an elephant in the room.

then get the dam elephant out of the room.
TADA!

Smarie78

I hope the next post I make is the one that said I left. You are all 100% right. I notice when he made that comment about me on the phone I started to feel a little panicked. Like I was behaving badly and messing up. But really quickly I got back to Earth and knew I did nothing wrong. I didn't apologize - I just said im sorry you feel that way. But I will not stop what I do and have done everyday in my life.

Tomsteve - I hate lying. It's by far been one of the worst things in this relationship. I am not a lying type of person either - it's living a double life which has made the last 2.5 years a lie. It's actually a lot of effort too, physically and mentally, to keep it going for so long. My parents are two of the most loving and beautiful people I have ever known, they are well known by our extended circle and even casual aquaintances know of them because of what good people they are, and how warm and welcoming they are. They don't deserve it.

much love for all the insight here, I wasn't sure if I should be angry at my sister, but now I see that it shouldn't be that way at all.

hopeful4

So....if being with someone requires you lying and doing things against your nature and who you are, that should say something to you, yes? I am sure that is why your twin is acting the way she is. I look at it this way. What would I tell my own daughter in a situation....that normally makes things crystal clear.

Big hugs. It's a step at a time, and sometimes the steps are big ones, and sometimes they are baby steps, and that's ok. As long as you are moving forward.

SparkleKitty

Look at it this way -- you can't control whether or not you're angry with your sister. You feel what you feel. But if you ignore what it MEANS that it is easier for you to be angry at the person who wants you to have the best in life, as opposed to the person who continually disrespects you, then that's information you should not ignore.

Ariesagain

Your parents won't be here forever. Every day that your relationship with them (which sounds like it could be a really wonderful one) is compromised and shortchanged by dishonesty and avoidance is another day you might not get back.

At the very least, maybe stop lying about it all to them? They may be far more supportive and helpful than you are giving them credit for and maybe their support will help you feel more deserving of all the things your sister is hoping for you.

When you know at your core you deserve more, you start knowing at your core how to go get it...or at least how to start removing the obstacles that lie between.

P.S. Your boyfriend needs to STFU. He could have left the room, he could have gone out for a cup of COFFEE, he could have been happy to see the woman he supposedly loves chatting happily with someone who loves her.

tomsteve

i can relate to that, but for a different side of my life- the alcoholism.
my parents were also very loving. they werent quite well known in the community, but would drop everything to help someone else and went way out of their way to help me. in all honesty, they enabled me quite often.
and i felt like crap about it. so many times i wanted to stop being and action the way i did, but i just kept going through the viscious cycle.
because i had untreated alcoholism. imo, it can be the same with co dependency- without it being treated, which requires action, it continues to be in control.
what took me to get into action was desperation. the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality and i WANTED to stop hurting myself and others. i wanted to stop hating myself.
i treated the alcoholism, but guess what?
ill be dammed if i didnt have untreated co dependency!
and what did it take to treat that?
desperation- the pain of being in a toxic relationship exceeded the pain of being alone. i didnt WANT to hurt any more. to not want to hurt any more meant i had to make a decision to get into action.

im a single man today and have been for a few years and LOVE it!
because i learned how to love myself.

i hope ya decide youre sick and tired of being sick and tired and want to start working and living in solutions real quicklike,smarie.
it feels pretty good to feel pretty good.
heres a poem i think can cross into a few different areas of life:

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?

One minute I had you…then next you were gone

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

maia1234

Smarie.
You have stuck around and posted and are working a program. I do think one day that you will come here and tell us that you have officially left him and cut contact.

He might be (in jail,) cutting contact, but who cares. Haha!! I am sure it will happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow but if you stick with us, I am confident that it will happen. Keep the faith!!

AnvilheadII

I am not a lying type of person either - it's living a double life which has made the last 2.5 years a lie.

YOU are the one telling the lies. by CHOICE. nobody is MAKING you. and not just one lie either........going on three years worth, to lots of people, consistently. people you claim to love and respect.

when we go against our own values morals and ethics we do a lot of soul damage and we hurt a lot of people.