Whirlwind
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Whirlwind
I've been reading so many posts on this site. It feels like I already know many of you even though this is my first post.
This evening has been a whirlwind. I don't really know where to begin...
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. He has struggled with addiction his entire life, and it has negatively impacted our relationship since very early on. He also has some issues with mental illness (BPD) and can be very emotionally and verbally abusive. He is the master of gaslighting. I am scared of his unpredictable behavior. He can be sweet and loving one day, and them the next day screaming at me, punching the walls, calling the police, cutting power to the house to punish me, etc. It is terrifyimg when he acts like that. Through lots of counseling and soul searching, I have learned that I am very co dependent and insecure. Despite everything, I stayed in the relationship (and, of course, our time together has not been all bad). Things actually seemed to improve a lot over the last 5 years.
We now have two babies under 3, and being a mom is the most wonderful thing in my life. During my pregnancy with my younger son, my AH quit drinking because of digestive problems. I was surprised and pleased. However, his erratic behavior and hostility towards me seemed to increase. It turns out he was drinking in secret the entire time. This explains his extreme mood changes, his hostility and combativeness, and the many cruel things he said to me. In retrospect, I was a fool not to see that he was obviously drinking.
Since I discovered the secret drinking, his bizarre behavior has escalated. I did not ask him to stop drinking. I knew there was no point. I just sat back and waited for the storm that I knew was brewing. One night a couple weeks ago his father was visiting and AH was clearly drink his secret whisky stash. He was stumbling, slurring his words, and talking loudly about how he wants a divorce because I am a crazy, controlling b***ch. That night he wet the bed, then he was late to work the next morning, and on the way home from work he fell asleep at the wheel and wrecked his car. Thank God he didn't hurt anyone aside from himself (he got pretty banged up- shattered nose, huge gash on his face, concussion, etc.) He insists the accident happened because he is overworked, not because he was totally hungover. He is always the victim.
Since the accident, he has continued to exhibit behavior suggesting he is still drinking in secret. Today, he was acting really erratically and then passed out on the couch in the afternoon. He urinated on himself and when he woke up he had no idea what day it was. He was then being very rough all evening with my toddler - yanking him by the arm when he was acting up. And the last straw for me was he used his legs to trap my toddler and hold him flat onto the couch for a diaper change. My toddler started crying because it hurt, and i am sure it was humiliating. Imagine a 200 lb, 6 foot man using his body weight to pin a 25 lb toddler! I wanted to flip out but I simply asked him to get off my son because he was hurting him. This triggered a huge emotional explosion from him. He yelled at me that I am a b***ch and I am "p***y-fying* our sons. He slammed our door so hard it broke. He said he was going to call the cops on me, etc. And all in front of my boys. I was shaking and scared, but calmly asked him to leave, and he finally did. He took some clothes and said he has a place to live and won't be back. Right after he left, he overdrafted our bank account.
And the crazy thing is, I am relieved! Our home is peaceful for the first time in months. I am not on edge or cringing at every little sound wondering what will trigger him next.
I don't know how I am going to raise two boys and work full-time. I don't know what will become of my home and our beloved animals on our little hobby farm, but I know I will figure it all out. Even though I am scared, I am also optimistic for the future for the first time in a long time.
This evening has been a whirlwind. I don't really know where to begin...
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. He has struggled with addiction his entire life, and it has negatively impacted our relationship since very early on. He also has some issues with mental illness (BPD) and can be very emotionally and verbally abusive. He is the master of gaslighting. I am scared of his unpredictable behavior. He can be sweet and loving one day, and them the next day screaming at me, punching the walls, calling the police, cutting power to the house to punish me, etc. It is terrifyimg when he acts like that. Through lots of counseling and soul searching, I have learned that I am very co dependent and insecure. Despite everything, I stayed in the relationship (and, of course, our time together has not been all bad). Things actually seemed to improve a lot over the last 5 years.
We now have two babies under 3, and being a mom is the most wonderful thing in my life. During my pregnancy with my younger son, my AH quit drinking because of digestive problems. I was surprised and pleased. However, his erratic behavior and hostility towards me seemed to increase. It turns out he was drinking in secret the entire time. This explains his extreme mood changes, his hostility and combativeness, and the many cruel things he said to me. In retrospect, I was a fool not to see that he was obviously drinking.
Since I discovered the secret drinking, his bizarre behavior has escalated. I did not ask him to stop drinking. I knew there was no point. I just sat back and waited for the storm that I knew was brewing. One night a couple weeks ago his father was visiting and AH was clearly drink his secret whisky stash. He was stumbling, slurring his words, and talking loudly about how he wants a divorce because I am a crazy, controlling b***ch. That night he wet the bed, then he was late to work the next morning, and on the way home from work he fell asleep at the wheel and wrecked his car. Thank God he didn't hurt anyone aside from himself (he got pretty banged up- shattered nose, huge gash on his face, concussion, etc.) He insists the accident happened because he is overworked, not because he was totally hungover. He is always the victim.
Since the accident, he has continued to exhibit behavior suggesting he is still drinking in secret. Today, he was acting really erratically and then passed out on the couch in the afternoon. He urinated on himself and when he woke up he had no idea what day it was. He was then being very rough all evening with my toddler - yanking him by the arm when he was acting up. And the last straw for me was he used his legs to trap my toddler and hold him flat onto the couch for a diaper change. My toddler started crying because it hurt, and i am sure it was humiliating. Imagine a 200 lb, 6 foot man using his body weight to pin a 25 lb toddler! I wanted to flip out but I simply asked him to get off my son because he was hurting him. This triggered a huge emotional explosion from him. He yelled at me that I am a b***ch and I am "p***y-fying* our sons. He slammed our door so hard it broke. He said he was going to call the cops on me, etc. And all in front of my boys. I was shaking and scared, but calmly asked him to leave, and he finally did. He took some clothes and said he has a place to live and won't be back. Right after he left, he overdrafted our bank account.
And the crazy thing is, I am relieved! Our home is peaceful for the first time in months. I am not on edge or cringing at every little sound wondering what will trigger him next.
I don't know how I am going to raise two boys and work full-time. I don't know what will become of my home and our beloved animals on our little hobby farm, but I know I will figure it all out. Even though I am scared, I am also optimistic for the future for the first time in a long time.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
FF, of course you felt relieved. I bet the kids were screaming and scared out of their wits. What a parent to act like that in front of little children, not to mention you!
Are you prepared for him to come back, full of promises, acting sorry? That is a very common scenario when they realise they've lost the comforts of home. Try to remember that he physically hurt his own children when he's making those promises.
I hope you have a good support network around you like family, friends, maybe church, or services that will help you. I'm disgusted that he's emptied the bank account, but you need to make sure your name isn't on it any more in case he puts you into debt.
Make sure he can't get hold of your wage (if it goes into a joint account) and try to get legal advice on child support. He can't just drop his responsibilities because he feels like it. Start keeping a detailed diary of the abuse, and take photos of the broken door and anything else he's damaged, as well as any marks on the boys.
All the best with the next few days. I hope you can find support and services to stop him harassing you again and get you on your feet.
Are you prepared for him to come back, full of promises, acting sorry? That is a very common scenario when they realise they've lost the comforts of home. Try to remember that he physically hurt his own children when he's making those promises.
I hope you have a good support network around you like family, friends, maybe church, or services that will help you. I'm disgusted that he's emptied the bank account, but you need to make sure your name isn't on it any more in case he puts you into debt.
Make sure he can't get hold of your wage (if it goes into a joint account) and try to get legal advice on child support. He can't just drop his responsibilities because he feels like it. Start keeping a detailed diary of the abuse, and take photos of the broken door and anything else he's damaged, as well as any marks on the boys.
All the best with the next few days. I hope you can find support and services to stop him harassing you again and get you on your feet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I really commend you for protecting your kids - they should never have to experience or witness that kind of behavior. Being scared of a parent is terrible, and I'm really glad that you stepped in firmly and got your husband out the door.
That same determination will see you through the months or years to come. You will probably have moments of regret or self-doubt, but given how he was behaving towards you and the children, you definitely did the right thing in my opinion.
Maybe save this post so you can come back to it and re-read it whenever you start to feel like you doubt your actions.
That same determination will see you through the months or years to come. You will probably have moments of regret or self-doubt, but given how he was behaving towards you and the children, you definitely did the right thing in my opinion.
Maybe save this post so you can come back to it and re-read it whenever you start to feel like you doubt your actions.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
GOOD FOR YOU MOM!!! Way to go!
I am also a mother of a young toddler (1.5yrs old) with a STBXAH. I am so sorry for what you've been through but you are not alone. Please stay focused on doing what you need for yourself and your children, those kids need you more than ever. It is so important for your children to know that your husband's behavior is not ok nor it is normal. Depending on how old your toddler is, you could look into therapy to help him process what has happened and what is going to happen.
I highly recommend that you start keeping a detailed journal of EVERY interaction with your AH. Everything you just wrote in your post should go into this journal that can be shared with an attorney and judge.
That said, I highly recommend you find yourself a good family law attorney. One that has experience with alcoholics and doing what needs to be done to advocate for your children. One that will do what needs to be done for Soberlink to be enforced.
I am in the thick of divorcing my AH so if you have any questions, please let me know.
I am also a mother of a young toddler (1.5yrs old) with a STBXAH. I am so sorry for what you've been through but you are not alone. Please stay focused on doing what you need for yourself and your children, those kids need you more than ever. It is so important for your children to know that your husband's behavior is not ok nor it is normal. Depending on how old your toddler is, you could look into therapy to help him process what has happened and what is going to happen.
I highly recommend that you start keeping a detailed journal of EVERY interaction with your AH. Everything you just wrote in your post should go into this journal that can be shared with an attorney and judge.
That said, I highly recommend you find yourself a good family law attorney. One that has experience with alcoholics and doing what needs to be done to advocate for your children. One that will do what needs to be done for Soberlink to be enforced.
I am in the thick of divorcing my AH so if you have any questions, please let me know.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
FF, I cannot tell you how much I hope he stays gone! I fear for you, your kids and your critters--he sounds out of control, unstable and quite possibly dangerous. Please be safe--read up on abuse and heed the information. Here is a great resource, from the "stickies" at the top of the page: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
I wish you strength and clarity going forward. There sure doesn't seem to be much to want to go BACK to, that's for sure! I feel sure that somehow you'll find a way. I hope you continue to stay in touch w/us here--we can help you keep headed in the right direction.
Again, please be safe.
I wish you strength and clarity going forward. There sure doesn't seem to be much to want to go BACK to, that's for sure! I feel sure that somehow you'll find a way. I hope you continue to stay in touch w/us here--we can help you keep headed in the right direction.
Again, please be safe.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Call a domestic violence hotline ASAP and get their advice on how to get a restraining order, please? They can also help you find a lawyer who can advise you on how to get out of the marriage with the least amount of damage financially.
This man is dangerous and he will probably be back once the money runs out or whatever room he's holed up in kicks him out.
Change the locks. If he shows up, don't engage, just call the police. It's easier if you have a restraining order because you don't have to "prove" to the police that he's a threat...just his presence constitutes one legally.
You're a brave cookie. Be safe.
Sending you a hug.
This man is dangerous and he will probably be back once the money runs out or whatever room he's holed up in kicks him out.
Change the locks. If he shows up, don't engage, just call the police. It's easier if you have a restraining order because you don't have to "prove" to the police that he's a threat...just his presence constitutes one legally.
You're a brave cookie. Be safe.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but know that you are one brave woman. Listen to the wise posters above and get in touch with a DV hotline. Most times when they storm out like that, they don't stay gone. Just when you have found your peace they will return (could be hours, days...but it's not too long). Especially when they realize they can't make it out there without their landing pad.
When they come back sometimes they are sorry and weepy and promise it will never happen again. They tell you how messed up they are and how they can't make it without you. They act like they want help, but they just want another chance to do it to you again. Be very careful and use this small window to plan and hopefully get out of there.
Wishing you much love and luck. Addiction and mental illness is no fun to sit front row at.
When they come back sometimes they are sorry and weepy and promise it will never happen again. They tell you how messed up they are and how they can't make it without you. They act like they want help, but they just want another chance to do it to you again. Be very careful and use this small window to plan and hopefully get out of there.
Wishing you much love and luck. Addiction and mental illness is no fun to sit front row at.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don't know how I am going to raise two boys and work full-time. I don't know what will become of my home and our beloved animals on our little hobby farm, but I know I will figure it all out. Even though I am scared, I am also optimistic for the future for the first time in a long time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Good for you FF and I'm so sorry. Mental illness combined with addiction (which it often is) is SO complicated. My XAH has a diagnosed mental illness and shows many of the traits of BPD. Are you aware of the Out of the Fog forum for family and significant others of those with personality disorders? That site could be helpful as well. Stay safe. Keep the kids safe. You are really keeping it together. Don't hesitate to lean on friends and family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ff,
So proud of you for coming out of the closet. Please be careful. He will be back. If you saw a baby sitter treating your son like that, you would throw her out, Please remember that "physical abuse" when he is trying to tell you how much he loves you.
You can do this. Reach out to the dv hotline. It is all confidential. Please lock your doors, windows, computer and cell phone. Your safety and the boys are your utmost importance. Please call 911 if he comes home drunk .. before anything escalates. Or you just get out of the home. He's going to see that you have changed and he could really hurt you. Please be very vigilant and aware of your surroundings. Keep posting, keep reading and we can walk you through this. There are many who have done or are doing what you are doing. ,protect your kiddos at all costs!! Hugs and please stay safe!!
So proud of you for coming out of the closet. Please be careful. He will be back. If you saw a baby sitter treating your son like that, you would throw her out, Please remember that "physical abuse" when he is trying to tell you how much he loves you.
You can do this. Reach out to the dv hotline. It is all confidential. Please lock your doors, windows, computer and cell phone. Your safety and the boys are your utmost importance. Please call 911 if he comes home drunk .. before anything escalates. Or you just get out of the home. He's going to see that you have changed and he could really hurt you. Please be very vigilant and aware of your surroundings. Keep posting, keep reading and we can walk you through this. There are many who have done or are doing what you are doing. ,protect your kiddos at all costs!! Hugs and please stay safe!!
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