Here we go....

Old 09-17-2017, 02:34 AM
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Here we go....

Hi all,

I recently started the thread 'afraid of losing myself' regards entering into a relationship with an alcoholic and you all warned me against it but I didn't end it there.

In the few weeks that have followed, we have got on so brilliantly, no issues whatsoever. It's been wonderful.

Until yesterday....

We were going into the local town to meet my sister. We were running late so I got out as we reached the car park and he told me he would park up then meet us. He never showed.

I called and text several times and after about 90 mins my sister and I were finished shopping so decided to give up and go home.

When we reached the car park, I saw him. In the back of a police car. Went over and asked what was going on, they told me he'd been arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and was being taken in for questioning.

That was at about 4pm. He used his phone call to ring me at about 8:45pm to let me know which station he was at and that he was ok, would call again once he had been released.

It's now 10:30am and I still haven't heard so I've called the station and they confirm he is still there but no details on when he will be released.

I'm at my wits end, I don't even see how he could have been drunk, we were together for about 18 hours before I got out of his car and I know he hadn't been drinking so I can only assume he went off to drink somewhere before parking? Like I say it was 90 mins from when he dropped me off until I saw him in the police car so who knows what happened in that time.

I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this, I just need to get it out. I know I should feel angry with him, glad I dodged a bullet and never see him again.

But instead I feel worried about him and want to see him, make sure he is ok. Just needed to speak to someone who knows what I'm going through because my sister just doesn't understand, she told our parents and they don't get it either. They all just think I'm insane. Which I guess I am.
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Old 09-17-2017, 03:15 AM
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I know I should feel angry with him, glad I dodged a bullet and never see him again.

I don't get it either. I wish you could hold that thought cos this is only going to get worse and worse. Why are you worried if he is OK? If the police hadn't caught him he'd have driven you while drunk. Anything could have happend to you or someone else on the road. You said yourself you don't know how he could have drank but alcoholics are so sneaky. Is this the life you really want?
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Old 09-17-2017, 03:40 AM
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If someone has any advice on how to turn off your emotions, that would be much appreciated. I have always been the type of person to 'forgive' too easily, I care too much about people and I tend to empathise too much with the patterns that lead up to destructive behaviour, it's the way I've always been and I can't stop myself
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Old 09-17-2017, 04:06 AM
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In my experience it's the not acting on those emotions but to logically override the thoughts and feelings by refocusing the energy on healing the self.
I have similar problems but sadly keep ploughing myself into people who I hope I can fix to avoid working on myself.
Please trust your head and not your heart on this one.
Chances are this behaviour is not a one off
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Old 09-17-2017, 04:39 AM
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Upsidedown.....You can't just turn off your emotions. Feelings at real....it is just a matter of how they are managed, that counts. That is where the head comes in...to help us make decisions that are best for our own welfare.
In certain situations, in life, this can be a very challenging and difficult thing to do.

I totally get that you have felt in love with him, and, therefore, reluctant to back away from the relationship. Your relationship is fairly recent, and you most certainly are still in the infatuation phase of the relationship. It is a normal phase and is dominated by a lot of the feel good hormones.
Most people are on their best behavior in the beginning....and, we want to see the very best and believe the very best about them. All very normal.
From reading your posts...It looks that he has probably tried very hard to either hide or control his drinking and put his best image forward, for you.
No doubt, he has been fighting a "war" in his own brain to do this.
Unless an alcoholic is in a recovery program and diligently adhering to it...they can only "white knuckle it" for so long....
and, as the novelty and glittery newness of the early relationship begins to fade, a bit (a natural occurance), and the feel good hormones recede a bit, one is very vulnerable to the pull of the disease.

Others, from the outside, are not going to "feel" your feelings. They are going to look at the objective facts...and, make their judgements from that objective point of view.
It is best to talk about it with those who do understand, because they have had experience or been through it themselves.
You are going to go through a natural process of grieving this relationship. Be prepared for that. Grieving sucks...it can feel like tearing flesh from bone, sometimes. You are going to need to get as much support as you can....
I certainly hipe that you began to read those articles that I suggested from our "library"...in the section called classic readings.
Here is the link, again.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I highly suggest that you read the book...practically, a bible, around here....called "Co-dependent No More"....you can get it on amazon,com or the library.

Face to face support from those who have been through what you are going through. Alanon is usually recommended. If there was alcoholism in your family of origin, or severe dysfunction, in some way...Adult Children of Alcholics is a good choice, also....

I hope that you continue to post and read and learn.
Knowledge is power.

If you don't take this time to come to terms with any underlying dynamics of your own...you will, almost certainly, end up in another similar relationship....without even realizing it....We repeat our patterns unless we gain insight into our selves....

I know that you feel awful, right now...but, don't forget, as wretched as this is...it is also an opportunity for you to make great changes that can change the rest of your life....

You can get through this!
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Old 09-17-2017, 04:40 AM
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From your original post:

"...his tactic was to act like he suddenly didn't care about me anymore. And when I expressed my feelings about that, told him I was hurt, he intimated that I was being unreasonable."

This is who he is, and how he's going to treat you. This is about what sort of behavior you're willing to accept from a life partner. In this life, we will forgive any number of people for the wrongs they've done, but that is totally and entirely separate issue from continuing to engage and allowing them to hurt us again. How involved we stay is a choice. Enabling is a choice. Accepting and condoning behavior is a choice.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23 View Post
If someone has any advice on how to turn off your emotions, that would be much appreciated. I have always been the type of person to 'forgive' too easily, I care too much about people and I tend to empathise too much with the patterns that lead up to destructive behaviour, it's the way I've always been and I can't stop myself
"Turning off your emotions" is not the answer. Feeling your emotions is necessary for your mental health; however, just b/c you feel an emotion doesn't mean you have to act on it.

I'd like to share a post from another SR member that I saved and that seems appropriate to your situation:
"How do I stop being so compassionate?"

Stop calling what you want to do when you feel like giving in to his bad behavior "compassion".

It isn't compassion.

It is co-dependence. It is trying to fix someone else. It is anticipating and guessing what is going on in his head, as if you had a psychic line into what he thinks. It is thinking that YOU know better than he what will fix him.

It is arrogance. We do not get to live THEIR lives, even though we think we have the right to dissuade them from "the error of their ways" or protect them from what we see as their next mistaken step.

When I was married to my now ex alcoholic abusive husband, I thought that I knew what was best for him. I violated the boundaries of what was him and what was me, and I thought I knew best what would help him.

I was wrong. It took me a long time to recognize that I was being arrogant, and it was not okay for me to step into his world and re-organize it so it fit what I thought it should be.

It was - and is - my ex husband's right to life an independent life, as HE sees fit. He is an adult. He has the right to choose to live however he wants to, and he has the right and the obligation to face the consequences of his choices without my intervention, manipulation, or direction. What I think will be his salvation - my prescription for his behavior - is merely my head trip into his life.

This may sound harsh, but for me, it was the beginning of separating myself from the intermeshed kind of joint "personality" we had become, where I watched out for what I thought he needed and saw life from his perspective more than I did from my own.

This, to me, is the beginning of freedom. Said with great empathy, take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:57 AM
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it's the way I've always been and I can't stop myself

yes you can, you just need new tools. but as with anything, you have to WANT to change your behaviors.

being led by our emotions is exhausting and leads us into painful situations. it's like troops without a general. feelings are not facts, they are just feelings. they come and they go. we have a wide spectrum of emotions, but in our dysfunction can learn to cling to one or two. usually a HIGH and a LOW. and they feed off each other.

the trick is learning to not try to FIX how we feel. or STOP all feelings, go numb. how to live WITH our emotions, not IN them.
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Old 09-17-2017, 08:24 AM
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I've got a link to another reading on compassion, what it is and is NOT, that really helped clarify things for me. It's here if you want to take a look:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ompassion.html (Compassion)
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Old 09-17-2017, 08:41 AM
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Sending you a hug.

You're going to hear a bunch of "reasons" this was not his fault...he only had a few, the police were pulling everyone over, blablabla. I was on a jury once where a habitual DUI guy had an expert witness claim he couldn't have been legally drunk because yes, he'd had 12 shots in 90 minutes but he couldn't possibly have metabolized it that fast.

Most later stage alcoholics hide alcohol and sneak drinks, so he may have been drinking while he was with you.

This is him.

Is this acceptable to you to live this way?
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:33 AM
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Just needed to speak to someone who knows what I'm going through because my sister just doesn't understand, she told our parents and they don't get it either.
Oh they get it all right.....I think it's you who is not getting it.

I didn't understand when all my family and friends saw my ex in a light I was unable to accept at that time. My own overly caring, overly worrying unhealthy habits kept me imprisoned to someone I basically became addicted to. I had to come to a point where the pain of remaining grew larger then the fear/pain/sadness of leaving.
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Old 09-17-2017, 08:43 PM
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Are you absolutely certain the cops took him in for DUI and related questioning? Are cops allowed to give out that info to people who walk up and ask? I don't know. Is it possible he had a warrant out for his arrest prior and they found him and perhaps that's also why he hasn't been released yet?

At any rate, I would highly question and doubt any explanation he gives you.

If it really is a DUI thing: Heck ya, it's possible to get loaded in 90 minutes.

Okay, you're infatuated with the guy or in love with him or both. But, look at the facts. Engage the left brain. Don't totally let your right brain check out though...remember how you felt when he was being cold, uncaring, standoff-ish? Remember how that made you feel? Not good, right? No. Remember that. Do you want more of the push/pull dynamic? I don't think you do, or you wouldn't be here.

I don't know that there any magic formulas for turning your feelings off. I don't think it's realistic to think we can just turn our feelings off. Most of us can't. But we recognize them for what they are: feelings. They are a * part * of this whole thing called life, but only a part.

Please don't think anyone here is talking down to you or preaching at you. We're not into that. We're trying to help you.
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Old 09-18-2017, 02:13 AM
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Thanks for your kind words, everyone.

He has been released now. He basically pulled up, downed a while bottle of whiskey then fell asleep in the car. Someone saw him and called emergency services, thinking he might need medical help.

He's been charged with drunk while in charge of a vehicle as he was still in the drivers seat with the keys in the ignition.

He seems to have been very upfront with both me and the police, admits and accepts what an idiot he has been, and a court date had been set.

It's his first offence, but he blew about a 153 so there is a good chance he's looking at jail time.

He says that he is ready for rehab, whether he just gets a driving ban or a custodial sentence, that this is an eye opener and he's ready to make a change.

I told him words are meaningless and I need to see him make the changes he's promising.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:42 AM
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Upsidedown.....Yep, words are cheap. It is action that tells the tale.
If he wants genuine recovery, he will be willing to take the time and do the work that is required.
It has to become his top priority...above all else....

I hipe that you will continue to make your own welfare your top priority...above all else....
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Old 09-18-2017, 09:06 AM
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Typical next steps...

--Maybe call about rehab. Or will claim he did. Decide it's too expensive/can't take time off work, will do it on his own. Drinks again.

--Go to an AA meeting or two. Decide it's not for him, will do it on his own. Drinks again.

--Decide it was all a one-off and he can control it from now on, but he still wants to drink "socially." Drinks again. Not socially.

--He's under a lot of stress, he wants a drink, stop trying to control him. Drinks again.

--In short, he will drink again and blame everything and everybody (including you) but himself.

I'm not trying to be your worst nightmare. There are alcoholics who get sober and stay sober after an incident like this. I'm currently on day 626 sober using only this board. But it was the people on this board who helped me really understand that there is no external event that puts alcohol into my body...it's ALWAYS my choice.

Until your guy gets that...and honestly, sneaking an entire fifth of whiskey in less than an hour and passing out is pretty late stage behavior...nothing will change.

I'm harping on the doom scenarios because you are so new to this relationship...you can get out early, before all of this becomes normalized and you get so enmeshed that it gets harder and harder to get out. It's like quicksand.

This won't get better. Know that and then decide if this is how you want to spend your one precious life, yes?

Sending you a hug.
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Old 09-18-2017, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23 View Post
been set.

I told him words are meaningless and I need to see him make the changes he's promising.
looks like ya learned something recently:
not necessarily how to shut off emotions/feelings, but using the right ones to act on.
good on ya!

Ariesagain had some dam good stuff there-its like i was being watched when i was drinkin! all them "im sorries" and "i promises"
and "i know i need help" and "im going for help" were empty words once the heat was off.
"PHEW!! got away with it THAT time."
thats a flat out lie- they were empty words when i said em. i wasnt serious about getting sober FOR ME.

another one not sayin some alcoholics( and ill call someone who downs a bottle of whiskey in less than 90 minutes a pretty serious alcoholic) cant get sober real quick after something like this- it does happen.how often?idk.
but i will strongly encourage keepin your guard up or dont trust ANY words.

hes outta jail, but one more comment on this:
"But instead I feel worried about him and want to see him, make sure he is ok."
he was in jail. he was more ok then behind the wheel and more importantly, everyone on the roads was safe and ok without him on the roads
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Old 09-18-2017, 11:26 AM
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More will be revealed to you soon enough. Really, witness his actions and try not to put too much hope on his words.

It is not that many of us here at SR are being negative just seasoned with the behaviors of alcoholics/addicts.

My ex could have written a handbook on how to manipulate, deceive and con anyone into believing he might really go to rehab and that he really wanted to quit. He was so good at his con he even got Dr’s to write him prescriptions for Xanana to help him with anxiety while he attempted to quit. The sad part was he told the Dr’s he was an alcoholic and was attempting to quit drinking when all the while he was a pill head over using Xanax and found a new con in order to obtain them.
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Old 09-19-2017, 05:00 AM
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You have gotten some amazing advice and suggestions. I will tell you my light bulb moment.

I was sitting in an alanon meeting and a women told me she divorced her husband, who she loved. I'm like, why would you do that? She said because she didn't have to live with someone that she loved. She could love him from a distance.

Every one always wanted me to hate axh, which I just couldnt do, as a codie. So once someone told me this, that I could still love him, I had some peace about it. My life changed. I wasted 34 years of my life trying to make my husband into the man I felt he should be. I wish I understood back then that God has a plan for each of us and that my plan for him really didn't matter. Even if I was "right"!?!?!?

Step out of his way, take care of yourself and just maybe this will be his rock bottom, but probably not. Of course It will be everyone else's fault.... you, the person who called the cops, the cops, the lawyer... blah, blah. Keep reading and posting, it will slowly sink in.
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Old 09-19-2017, 06:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
I'm harping on the doom scenarios because you are so new to this relationship...you can get out early, before all of this becomes normalized and you get so enmeshed that it gets harder and harder to get out. It's like quicksand.
THIS^^^^^
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Old 09-19-2017, 02:38 PM
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It comes down to asking if this is what you want in a relationship. It's pretty predictable alcoholic behavior and you can count on more of it. Sorry...........
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