resentments
Binge poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
resentments
Hi
My head's been full of sh** the last few days. I have things I haven't been able to let go of, resentments that recently have been the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of at night, and what wakes me up every single flamin morning at 4.30am.
I know I have to let go of this stuff, it's poisoning me and not making the slightest difference to my A.
The problem is, though, that these are things that have never been resolved, there's never been a "sorry" or an explanation. Big hurtful things that get swept under the carpet once the initial storm is over.
You know the kind of storm. Big shouting and spiteful stuff.
I thought I had three choices.
1 continue with the resentment and immerse myself in self-pity
2 try and pick a calm friendly moment to talk through the issues and reach some kind of resolution
3 try to let go of it and make allowances as she's a sick person.
I tried the second. It wasn't the total disaster I feared, and I actually felt that some of what I had to say was heard. Still the nonsense though, the denial, the discounting, the change of subject, the massive anger, the shifting of blame, more denial! I think I started to see the pattern of it all and when I shifted position she was totally off guard and didn't really know what to say.
Although nothing's resolved, I feel as though I'm trying to apply some of the things I've learned here, and if things just don't improve I'll know I did my best.
What I want to ask is - are these my only options?
How can I accept that she can talk the hind legs off a donkey with other people about emotional matters but with me there's just aggression and anger?
Jane
My head's been full of sh** the last few days. I have things I haven't been able to let go of, resentments that recently have been the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of at night, and what wakes me up every single flamin morning at 4.30am.
I know I have to let go of this stuff, it's poisoning me and not making the slightest difference to my A.
The problem is, though, that these are things that have never been resolved, there's never been a "sorry" or an explanation. Big hurtful things that get swept under the carpet once the initial storm is over.
You know the kind of storm. Big shouting and spiteful stuff.
I thought I had three choices.
1 continue with the resentment and immerse myself in self-pity
2 try and pick a calm friendly moment to talk through the issues and reach some kind of resolution
3 try to let go of it and make allowances as she's a sick person.
I tried the second. It wasn't the total disaster I feared, and I actually felt that some of what I had to say was heard. Still the nonsense though, the denial, the discounting, the change of subject, the massive anger, the shifting of blame, more denial! I think I started to see the pattern of it all and when I shifted position she was totally off guard and didn't really know what to say.
Although nothing's resolved, I feel as though I'm trying to apply some of the things I've learned here, and if things just don't improve I'll know I did my best.
What I want to ask is - are these my only options?
How can I accept that she can talk the hind legs off a donkey with other people about emotional matters but with me there's just aggression and anger?
Jane
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Jane,
Have you considered forgiving her instead of asking her to apologize. Sometimes when we do it on a physical and spiritual level, it makes things right for us in our hearts and souls.
If you continually walk around with the anger, you're still attached to everything bad that's happened between the two of you. I'm a big advocate of detachment. I live and breathe it. If I didn't, I would be nuts worrying about my son who lives 300 miles away in a city full of bars and drunks.
The decision you make will be what you really want. If you want anger, chose #1, #2 has already failed and you know that further discussion is probably out of the question and #3 seems your only alternative.
I went through a period with my A where he talked to me like dirt,but when people came around, he was Mr. Sunshine and it made me want to pick something up and knock him in the head. I finally got up to the nerve to tell him exactly how he was with a stranger vs me. I told him that I wouldn't accept being treated and talked to like a dog. If he didn't have anything nice to say to me, then he was just to get out of my face and take care of himself or to go to his friends, because I was not his verbal punching bag. It did work. He does slip, but I call it to his attention immediately.
I hope this helps you a little. It's totally up to you to make your mind up because if you're going to continue living there, you've got to do something for yourself.
Kathy
Have you considered forgiving her instead of asking her to apologize. Sometimes when we do it on a physical and spiritual level, it makes things right for us in our hearts and souls.
If you continually walk around with the anger, you're still attached to everything bad that's happened between the two of you. I'm a big advocate of detachment. I live and breathe it. If I didn't, I would be nuts worrying about my son who lives 300 miles away in a city full of bars and drunks.
The decision you make will be what you really want. If you want anger, chose #1, #2 has already failed and you know that further discussion is probably out of the question and #3 seems your only alternative.
I went through a period with my A where he talked to me like dirt,but when people came around, he was Mr. Sunshine and it made me want to pick something up and knock him in the head. I finally got up to the nerve to tell him exactly how he was with a stranger vs me. I told him that I wouldn't accept being treated and talked to like a dog. If he didn't have anything nice to say to me, then he was just to get out of my face and take care of himself or to go to his friends, because I was not his verbal punching bag. It did work. He does slip, but I call it to his attention immediately.
I hope this helps you a little. It's totally up to you to make your mind up because if you're going to continue living there, you've got to do something for yourself.
Kathy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Hey 
Ok, so where do you draw the line between being an all-forgiving doormat and having some self respect and bounderies?
Actually, your post kind of threw me, no, I haven't thought of just forgiving because some things in a relationship are not ok, and if I never make a stand about some of them then I know from experience that it just gets worse.
Hmm sounding a bit angry there, didn't mean for it to come out like that
J
xxx
Ok, so where do you draw the line between being an all-forgiving doormat and having some self respect and bounderies?
Actually, your post kind of threw me, no, I haven't thought of just forgiving because some things in a relationship are not ok, and if I never make a stand about some of them then I know from experience that it just gets worse.
Hmm sounding a bit angry there, didn't mean for it to come out like that
J
xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
"I went through a period with my A where he talked to me like dirt,but when people came around, he was Mr. Sunshine and it made me want to pick something up and knock him in the head."
OHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
lololol!!!!!!
OHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
lololol!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
We must be married to the same guy!
I understand you completely because I, too, walk around with a gut full of anger. The only good it's doing me is giving me ulcers. I've tried setting boundaries and telling him the filthy accusations he hurls at me are unacceptable. Result? He goes into his passive-aggressive mode where he'll not do something I request him to do, or he'll do something for me (which I didn't request) then raise hell that I don't show him "appreciation." Or he'll just go into overdrive and start fixating on something. This week it's "You don't think I do enough around the house." Last week it was "You don't give a sh** about me," and the week before it was blah, blah, blah. I've become rather adept at just not hearing what he's saying anymore.
I basically just live in the basement with my computer and t.v. and leave him alone. What the heck? He's drunk almost everynight anyway.
In time I may be able to forgive him for all the crap he's pulled on me, but for the time being, I'm worn out from the let's-just-pretend-it-never-happened-game and forgiving him for the umpteenth time for some of the outrageous stuff he's pulled.
Yeah, I get some pretty major verbal abuse myself, but when I detach and look at it, it's always about how I make HIM feel. Bottom line: it's all about him, not me.
I think all any of us can do is ask our Higher Power to give us the ability to forgive them.
P.S. - I still get a chuckle when I remember his best friend's mother saying to me before we got married: "Hang onto him - he's one of the good ones." Yeah, he's Mr. Radiant Do-Gooder Sunshine around other people - amazing how good they can be at sucking people into believing that b.s.!
I basically just live in the basement with my computer and t.v. and leave him alone. What the heck? He's drunk almost everynight anyway.
In time I may be able to forgive him for all the crap he's pulled on me, but for the time being, I'm worn out from the let's-just-pretend-it-never-happened-game and forgiving him for the umpteenth time for some of the outrageous stuff he's pulled.
Yeah, I get some pretty major verbal abuse myself, but when I detach and look at it, it's always about how I make HIM feel. Bottom line: it's all about him, not me.
I think all any of us can do is ask our Higher Power to give us the ability to forgive them.
P.S. - I still get a chuckle when I remember his best friend's mother saying to me before we got married: "Hang onto him - he's one of the good ones." Yeah, he's Mr. Radiant Do-Gooder Sunshine around other people - amazing how good they can be at sucking people into believing that b.s.!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jane
I know exactly where you're coming from. I spent a long time in that place, and I know it isn't a happy one.
I reached the point with my A b/f where I started to understand a few things. I realised that he came from a very dysfunctional family. I realised that his late mother was an alcoholic. I realised that he didn't have any positive role models when he was growing up to teach him about relationships and love. And I realised that when he was doing these things "to" me, he didn't really know any better. And I started to feel sadness, instead of anger.
But what really made a difference was when I realised that I had LET him behave that way with me. If I wasn't Little Miss Rescuer, I would have been long gone. But I chose to stay and, at the time I didn't set any boundaries, so therefore, I chose to accept the behaviours. In other words, I played my role.
This was such a revelation to me - I am still reeling. Things are different now, I am setting boundaries and I am working hard on myself. And working hard on exercising my choices one day at a time.
You can do this, hon
Love
Minnie
xxxx
I know exactly where you're coming from. I spent a long time in that place, and I know it isn't a happy one.
I reached the point with my A b/f where I started to understand a few things. I realised that he came from a very dysfunctional family. I realised that his late mother was an alcoholic. I realised that he didn't have any positive role models when he was growing up to teach him about relationships and love. And I realised that when he was doing these things "to" me, he didn't really know any better. And I started to feel sadness, instead of anger.
But what really made a difference was when I realised that I had LET him behave that way with me. If I wasn't Little Miss Rescuer, I would have been long gone. But I chose to stay and, at the time I didn't set any boundaries, so therefore, I chose to accept the behaviours. In other words, I played my role.
This was such a revelation to me - I am still reeling. Things are different now, I am setting boundaries and I am working hard on myself. And working hard on exercising my choices one day at a time.
You can do this, hon
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi Bahookie. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad... I've only recently been able to let go of the anger and resentment. I was able to do it through prayer and Alanon... and this board of course. The anger wasn't hurting him, it was hurting me. I was having stress related health issues and was always grumpy and depressed. I was letting him push my buttons. I was blaming him for making me feel this way. I've learned that I am in charge of how I feel, not him. It's up to me to feel happy and peaceful no matter what else goes on in my life.
This is a quote from Abraham Lincoln "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Try to let go of the anger and resentment for your sake, not hers. It's a heavy load to drag around.
This is a quote from Abraham Lincoln "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Try to let go of the anger and resentment for your sake, not hers. It's a heavy load to drag around.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Jane,
You're right. You're a human being and should be treated wtih respect and love. Forgiving them without an apology doesn't make sense. At this time.
This little ditty was shared with me by my therapist. It's a reverse psychology thing. It works really to your advantage. When my A acts like an :*******: , I turn to him and say, "You're forgiven for being such a sh**." You should see the look on his face. I know that I shouldn't use the kaka word, but it makes me feel better when I confront him about his hurtful words.
But, what it actually does is make the offender pause and think for maybe half a second because it catches them off guard. And they wonder what what's going on and why did you say that, blah blah blah. I don't understand it, but it works.
I've been doing it to my A for the last 4-5 months and he has really backed off on being nasty or taking out his frustration on me.
This is what I was referring to and apologize for not fully explaining it to you.
I hope and pray that you're able to get through and make an impression so life can be more enjoyable for you. :rose
Huggers, Kathy
You're right. You're a human being and should be treated wtih respect and love. Forgiving them without an apology doesn't make sense. At this time.
This little ditty was shared with me by my therapist. It's a reverse psychology thing. It works really to your advantage. When my A acts like an :*******: , I turn to him and say, "You're forgiven for being such a sh**." You should see the look on his face. I know that I shouldn't use the kaka word, but it makes me feel better when I confront him about his hurtful words.
But, what it actually does is make the offender pause and think for maybe half a second because it catches them off guard. And they wonder what what's going on and why did you say that, blah blah blah. I don't understand it, but it works.
I've been doing it to my A for the last 4-5 months and he has really backed off on being nasty or taking out his frustration on me.
This is what I was referring to and apologize for not fully explaining it to you.
I hope and pray that you're able to get through and make an impression so life can be more enjoyable for you. :rose
Huggers, Kathy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Attrition
Hey
Thanks for all your posts. I don't get online until I get to work (home access swamped by online scrabble as you may know), so I'm sorry I don't reply right away.
Resentments aren't a good idea. Standing up for myself and setting those bounderies are things that are difficult just now but I'm sure (I'm holding onto the hope!) that they will get easier in time. Like public speaking. Hmm not sure, I still sweat buckets when speaking in public, but at least I can do it.
As in any war of attrition, this looks like a big hard slog for which I will need a hefty measure of stamina to acheive anything.
And it is a war, not against my A, but against the effects of the disease and its effects on me!
I like the idea of forgiving the nasty ranting right away. It'll hopefully both remind me that it's quacking, and swing the dynamics of an arugment away from the predictable.
So easy to say in the calm of an office so hard to do at the right time!
Once again, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I'd come to a point where I was starting to both doubt my own sanity and think that maybe my concerns weren't worth bothering about. To have you all take the time to reply to me means so much, and you are all so kind.
Thank you
Jane
xxx
Thanks for all your posts. I don't get online until I get to work (home access swamped by online scrabble as you may know), so I'm sorry I don't reply right away.
Resentments aren't a good idea. Standing up for myself and setting those bounderies are things that are difficult just now but I'm sure (I'm holding onto the hope!) that they will get easier in time. Like public speaking. Hmm not sure, I still sweat buckets when speaking in public, but at least I can do it.
As in any war of attrition, this looks like a big hard slog for which I will need a hefty measure of stamina to acheive anything.
And it is a war, not against my A, but against the effects of the disease and its effects on me!
I like the idea of forgiving the nasty ranting right away. It'll hopefully both remind me that it's quacking, and swing the dynamics of an arugment away from the predictable.
So easy to say in the calm of an office so hard to do at the right time!
Once again, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I'd come to a point where I was starting to both doubt my own sanity and think that maybe my concerns weren't worth bothering about. To have you all take the time to reply to me means so much, and you are all so kind.
Thank you
Jane
xxx
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