Moving out, detox, Worst day ever!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Moving out, detox, Worst day ever!
I am having the worst moment of one of the roughest days. I've posted on here several times this week. So 7 weeks ago my AH drunken fell and hit his head and I had to call 911. I've never seen him so drunk, it was traumatizing and a wake up call. I immediately issued an ultimatum, was met with typically alcoholic response (don't overreact, quit controlling me, fine go!).
Things escalated on both ends and I realized I meant what I said. I slowly began making my way toward divorce. The more I stood firm, the worse AH was, so things at some point got REALLY bad and I started moving quickly. I went from trying to slowly work toward divorce and living with him to 'I can't be around this for one more second', retaining an attorney, finding an apartment. AH was being awful and manipulative. He was raging and making my life hell. I kept telling him all along what I was doing. Every convo lead to a fight. I felt 100% sure of what I was doing (scared but sure). I promised myself this was it. If I did it, I was all in, done with him NO MATTER what. I filed, I signed a lease. Then bam. All of s sudden the switch flips. He's sad. He's weeping. He says this is it, he's ready to quit. And low and behold he means it and he found a detox and rehab out insurance covers. He does the follow up work. I drove him to the detox yesterday. I sat through the whole thing. My heart broke into tiny pieces when he basically said he's not sure he's ever missed more then a day or two drinking since he was 18. He kept saying, 'I hope it's not too late to fix this. I know I can fix it. Please can I have more time'. I had to tell him to knock it off.
I moved into my apartment this evening (quasi moved, its furnished). I was looking forward to it and now all I feel is deep despair. I'm thinking about AH. I'm devastated. I am happy he is in treatment. I feel as optimistic as one can me that he can beat this if he wants. But it was too late. I had passed the threshold where you can't go back. I signed a lease! I tell him that and he cries softly on the phone from detox. I miss him. I don't want to leave. I feel like I made s horrible mistake. I feel like crap in my new apartment and all I keel thinking is how sky I want to go home. Real home. I dunno. This is the pits.
Things escalated on both ends and I realized I meant what I said. I slowly began making my way toward divorce. The more I stood firm, the worse AH was, so things at some point got REALLY bad and I started moving quickly. I went from trying to slowly work toward divorce and living with him to 'I can't be around this for one more second', retaining an attorney, finding an apartment. AH was being awful and manipulative. He was raging and making my life hell. I kept telling him all along what I was doing. Every convo lead to a fight. I felt 100% sure of what I was doing (scared but sure). I promised myself this was it. If I did it, I was all in, done with him NO MATTER what. I filed, I signed a lease. Then bam. All of s sudden the switch flips. He's sad. He's weeping. He says this is it, he's ready to quit. And low and behold he means it and he found a detox and rehab out insurance covers. He does the follow up work. I drove him to the detox yesterday. I sat through the whole thing. My heart broke into tiny pieces when he basically said he's not sure he's ever missed more then a day or two drinking since he was 18. He kept saying, 'I hope it's not too late to fix this. I know I can fix it. Please can I have more time'. I had to tell him to knock it off.
I moved into my apartment this evening (quasi moved, its furnished). I was looking forward to it and now all I feel is deep despair. I'm thinking about AH. I'm devastated. I am happy he is in treatment. I feel as optimistic as one can me that he can beat this if he wants. But it was too late. I had passed the threshold where you can't go back. I signed a lease! I tell him that and he cries softly on the phone from detox. I miss him. I don't want to leave. I feel like I made s horrible mistake. I feel like crap in my new apartment and all I keel thinking is how sky I want to go home. Real home. I dunno. This is the pits.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fml.....I am sorry that you are hurting so bad....I know that all of us can relate to this kind of pain...
Under the circumstances, I am not surprised that you are feeling this way....
A lot of change, in a short space of time.... I think that it is to be expected that you will have some grieving to do...
It probably feels like you can't get through it all, right now...but, you will.....
When you feel this bad, I think that it is important...and, all you can do, is to get through each 24hrs. at a time. Each day is progress and a victory in itself!
My recommendation---try to remember the reasons that you are doing this, as you are....you are not in this position for nothing...
Write the reasons on a piece of paper, and keep it with you all the time.
Cry, if you need to...cry a river....it is o.k. (I have cried oceans!)....
I am glad that you came here to share your feelings....I think that it is important that y ou h ave people to relate to, at this time. Human contact is so important..even vital, at a time like this...
remember that your husband has a lot of support around him....the kind of support that understands him and is equipped to deal with him. He is in the best place that he can be. He thinks that he needs you to get through this...but, he doesn't understand, (yet), that this is about him, in a way that you can't help with...only him....
I think you are giving him a gift.
And, giving yourself a gift....
Try not to let this temporary and expected pain knock you off your bearings.
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
This pain will fade away, naturally...but, if you were to return to the situation, the pain could go on forever....
In a year, your feelings may not look like today, at all...
Now, might be time to reach for the Serenity Prayer.....
You are not alone....
Under the circumstances, I am not surprised that you are feeling this way....
A lot of change, in a short space of time.... I think that it is to be expected that you will have some grieving to do...
It probably feels like you can't get through it all, right now...but, you will.....
When you feel this bad, I think that it is important...and, all you can do, is to get through each 24hrs. at a time. Each day is progress and a victory in itself!
My recommendation---try to remember the reasons that you are doing this, as you are....you are not in this position for nothing...
Write the reasons on a piece of paper, and keep it with you all the time.
Cry, if you need to...cry a river....it is o.k. (I have cried oceans!)....
I am glad that you came here to share your feelings....I think that it is important that y ou h ave people to relate to, at this time. Human contact is so important..even vital, at a time like this...
remember that your husband has a lot of support around him....the kind of support that understands him and is equipped to deal with him. He is in the best place that he can be. He thinks that he needs you to get through this...but, he doesn't understand, (yet), that this is about him, in a way that you can't help with...only him....
I think you are giving him a gift.
And, giving yourself a gift....
Try not to let this temporary and expected pain knock you off your bearings.
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
This pain will fade away, naturally...but, if you were to return to the situation, the pain could go on forever....
In a year, your feelings may not look like today, at all...
Now, might be time to reach for the Serenity Prayer.....
You are not alone....
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
fml 
I agree with dandylion, in that you are giving him a gift. The gift to work on recovery for himself. The gift to have this chance to really do the work, stay on the road to recovery. I have, sadly, seen many get to this point only to back out after a day or two or return to drinking immediately.
Only time will tell.
I am sorry you are hurting. My first husband was unfaithful and divorced me. When I moved into my first place away from the marital home, I felt terrible. Like I was hurting him and just generally grieving the marriage. Even though he was the one behaving like a jerk, I was grieving the loss.
It passes...it takes time. Please come here and talk to us anytime you need to!
I agree with dandylion, in that you are giving him a gift. The gift to work on recovery for himself. The gift to have this chance to really do the work, stay on the road to recovery. I have, sadly, seen many get to this point only to back out after a day or two or return to drinking immediately.
Only time will tell.
I am sorry you are hurting. My first husband was unfaithful and divorced me. When I moved into my first place away from the marital home, I felt terrible. Like I was hurting him and just generally grieving the marriage. Even though he was the one behaving like a jerk, I was grieving the loss.
It passes...it takes time. Please come here and talk to us anytime you need to!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
It's natural to grieve the end of a relationship. It is a death, of sorts, of the dreams and hopes you had when you came together. Sometimes the damage we do to a relationship is cumulative, and there is no recovering from it. It would be a disservice to continue if you know in your heart you will never feel the same way as you once did.
Sending hugs.
Sending hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
fml, i thank you for typing this. it gives me some insight to what my ex fiance may have went through when she tossed me out the day after my last drunk.
it was the BEST move she made for both of us. listening to my begging and pleading AGAIN and allowing me around and i was surely to drink again and have another one of those blackout drunks while dragging her further down with me.
but she tossed me out. THAT was what i needed to be given the gift of desperation and get sober FOR ME. if she wouldnt have tossed me out and stuck to it, it would have been the viscious cycle of insanity over an over and over and over........
it was the best move for her,too.
it was the BEST move she made for both of us. listening to my begging and pleading AGAIN and allowing me around and i was surely to drink again and have another one of those blackout drunks while dragging her further down with me.
but she tossed me out. THAT was what i needed to be given the gift of desperation and get sober FOR ME. if she wouldnt have tossed me out and stuck to it, it would have been the viscious cycle of insanity over an over and over and over........
it was the best move for her,too.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Thanks for the replies. Last night was horrible. I had terrible, restless sleep and nightmares. This morning I am still feeling like death warmed over. I've been angry and sort of pumped and now I just feel totally lost. I am trying to stay the course.
I spoke to AH just now. I told him once again that I've signed a lease. I explained that while I don't feel the need to rush the divorce I don't ever see 'coming home' as an option. I explained that 8 years is a long time to be unhappy and accept crappy treatment. Doesn't he think I deserve space to figure out why? In the most perfect dream scenario, if he stays sober and commits to treatment and I do all the work I need and we're both well into healing, then how does he even know both or either of us will feel like we want to be together. I don't even know who'll we'll be!
I spoke to AH just now. I told him once again that I've signed a lease. I explained that while I don't feel the need to rush the divorce I don't ever see 'coming home' as an option. I explained that 8 years is a long time to be unhappy and accept crappy treatment. Doesn't he think I deserve space to figure out why? In the most perfect dream scenario, if he stays sober and commits to treatment and I do all the work I need and we're both well into healing, then how does he even know both or either of us will feel like we want to be together. I don't even know who'll we'll be!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Also- I am frustrated by his response. He still says he's sits in group and that he hears the same types of stories from people. People waiting too late and until something horrible happened to seek treatment (duh!). People who come back over and over from relapse. Then he tells me it's the disease. He says this like it's revelatory. No ****! Why do you think I am saying I need space from it?!? Clearly I KNOW this disease is insanity.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear fml
In my years on these forums, I have never heard of anyone returning to their ex without it turning into an unmitigated disaster.
You need to do what is best for you. I cant imagine staying in contact with your husband at this point. If he is really serious about recovery, then time will tell.
You have shown great strength in moving out and starting divorce proceedings. We are here to support you!
In my years on these forums, I have never heard of anyone returning to their ex without it turning into an unmitigated disaster.
You need to do what is best for you. I cant imagine staying in contact with your husband at this point. If he is really serious about recovery, then time will tell.
You have shown great strength in moving out and starting divorce proceedings. We are here to support you!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
FML,
Stay the course! I'm about to embark on this same journey. Maybe we can be each other's "freedom" sponsors! :-) You're doing the right thing. The first thing I'm going to work on is the expectation of being "disappointed" by how he handles things. Why would that change now, right?
Hugs to you! I can't wait to be in your shoes...even though it will hurt a bit, but no pain no gain!
Stay the course! I'm about to embark on this same journey. Maybe we can be each other's "freedom" sponsors! :-) You're doing the right thing. The first thing I'm going to work on is the expectation of being "disappointed" by how he handles things. Why would that change now, right?
Hugs to you! I can't wait to be in your shoes...even though it will hurt a bit, but no pain no gain!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
FML - I am so sorry you're going through all of this!
I have been in your position and remember the first few days when my STBXAH went to rehab and I was overcome with emotion, questioning everything. He called me every day to tell me that he was not like these people and how scary the place was. It was awful.
My story was different from yours, in that I stayed in our home (with our new baby) until he came home. I will say though I realized after a week how nice it was to have the physical and mental space to refocus my energy on me and my child. I started to realize that for the first time in a long time, I actually felt safe.
I am very proud that you have taken the appropriate steps to get a new place for yourself! I hope you realize how much strength and courage that takes...be proud of yourself.
When you question yourself, it could be a good idea to sit and think about what led you to sign a new lease for this apartment, I am sure the list is long and scary. I hope after a few more days, you will begin to embrace the quiet, the calm, the lack of everyday chaos and begin to start focusing on you.
Your AH is in a great place right now and I wish him all the best in his recovery. It is absolutely your decision how much contact you want to have or not to have while he is there.
I am currently navigating my own divorce and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
I have been in your position and remember the first few days when my STBXAH went to rehab and I was overcome with emotion, questioning everything. He called me every day to tell me that he was not like these people and how scary the place was. It was awful.
My story was different from yours, in that I stayed in our home (with our new baby) until he came home. I will say though I realized after a week how nice it was to have the physical and mental space to refocus my energy on me and my child. I started to realize that for the first time in a long time, I actually felt safe.
I am very proud that you have taken the appropriate steps to get a new place for yourself! I hope you realize how much strength and courage that takes...be proud of yourself.
When you question yourself, it could be a good idea to sit and think about what led you to sign a new lease for this apartment, I am sure the list is long and scary. I hope after a few more days, you will begin to embrace the quiet, the calm, the lack of everyday chaos and begin to start focusing on you.
Your AH is in a great place right now and I wish him all the best in his recovery. It is absolutely your decision how much contact you want to have or not to have while he is there.
I am currently navigating my own divorce and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by fml23 
Thanks for the replies. Last night was horrible. I had terrible, restless sleep and nightmares. This morning I am still feeling like death warmed over. I've been angry and sort of pumped and now I just feel totally lost. I am trying to stay the course.
I spoke to AH just now. I told him once again that I've signed a lease. I explained that while I don't feel the need to rush the divorce I don't ever see 'coming home' as an option. I explained that 8 years is a long time to be unhappy and accept crappy treatment. Doesn't he think I deserve space to figure out why? In the most perfect dream scenario, if he stays sober and commits to treatment and I do all the work I need and we're both well into healing, then how does he even know both or either of us will feel like we want to be together. I don't even know who'll we'll be!
I spoke to AH just now. I told him once again that I've signed a lease. I explained that while I don't feel the need to rush the divorce I don't ever see 'coming home' as an option. I explained that 8 years is a long time to be unhappy and accept crappy treatment. Doesn't he think I deserve space to figure out why? In the most perfect dream scenario, if he stays sober and commits to treatment and I do all the work I need and we're both well into healing, then how does he even know both or either of us will feel like we want to be together. I don't even know who'll we'll be!
I just lived 10 minutes at a time and at the end of the day I congratulated myself if I hadn't called him or shot myself . . . yep it was THAT bad.
Our society admires soldiers, doctors, astronauts . . . .me? . . . . I admire all of you who have lived through the god-awful pain of walking away from an addicted loved one.
FML take care of yourself . . . .try to eat well and get some exercise even if it is just an apple and a 5 minute walk. Anything helps.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Doesn't he think I deserve space to figure out why?
Change is hard, it’s easy to think going back will stop the hurt and pain you feel right now but usually only lasts temporarily then you are right back to where you started out.
He’s only in rehab a very short period of time, who’s to say he sticks with it or continues a follow up program. Try not to make irrational decisions based on an overload of emotions.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
fml, I've got nothing for you in terms of experience to share. Others have given you the benefit of their experience, and I hope you find it helpful. What I'd like to do is share something w/you that kept me in one piece during the first fearful days on my own, just after XAH moved out. I stumbled across it online and printed it out to hang in several places around my house. I needed constant reminders.
May it provide you w/some peace and reinforcement too.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
May it provide you w/some peace and reinforcement too.
This Will Pass
Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Dear fml
In my years on these forums, I have never heard of anyone returning to their ex without it turning into an unmitigated disaster.
In my years on these forums, I have never heard of anyone returning to their ex without it turning into an unmitigated disaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by honeypig
fml, I've got nothing for you in terms of experience to share. Others have given you the benefit of their experience, and I hope you find it helpful. What I'd like to do is share something w/you that kept me in one piece during the first fearful days on my own, just after XAH moved out. I stumbled across it online and printed it out to hang in several places around my house. I needed constant reminders.
May it provide you w/some peace and reinforcement too.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
May it provide you w/some peace and reinforcement too.
This Will Pass
Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by atalose
Just because he calls doesn’t mean you need to answer the phone every time. Don’t you feel you deserve the space? IF he's not going to give it to you than you need to just take it. I know for me, limiting contact was the only way for me to begin working on me and to keep my head clear and free from his guilt and manipulations.
Change is hard, it’s easy to think going back will stop the hurt and pain you feel right now but usually only lasts temporarily then you are right back to where you started out.
He’s only in rehab a very short period of time, who’s to say he sticks with it or continues a follow up program. Try not to make irrational decisions based on an overload of emotions.
Change is hard, it’s easy to think going back will stop the hurt and pain you feel right now but usually only lasts temporarily then you are right back to where you started out.
He’s only in rehab a very short period of time, who’s to say he sticks with it or continues a follow up program. Try not to make irrational decisions based on an overload of emotions.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
fml - Based on previous posts, I also believe you have a small child as well. I want you to know that what you're doing is not only wonderful for you but SO SO SO wonderful for your child. You're giving her a stable and healthy home. You're showing her how to be strong.
Whenever you feel like you're going to the dark place, I hope you can think about the wonderful gift you're giving her by removing her from the drama and chaos of living with an alcoholic parent. Way to go, mom!
Whenever you feel like you're going to the dark place, I hope you can think about the wonderful gift you're giving her by removing her from the drama and chaos of living with an alcoholic parent. Way to go, mom!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by fml23
Also- He still says he's sits in group and that he hears the same types of stories from people. People waiting too late and until something horrible happened to seek treatment (duh!). People who come back over and over from relapse. Then he tells me it's the disease. He says this like it's revelatory. No ****! Why do you think I am saying I need space from it?!? Clearly I KNOW this disease is insanity.
however, prolly a little different reason.
sittin in a meeting in rehab with a group of people just as sick as me...i aint gonna hear NOTHIN but people with the same stories over and over.in order to recover myself, i HAD to be around people that HAD been in my shoes- ones who had recovered.
sittin around a group of people just as sick as me and expecting to get mentally,emotionally, and spiritually healthy....
i think i did that at the bar.
P.S.
idk what he means by "its the disease" but i doubt he has a clue what that even means, other than," its a great excuse for why i am like i am."
i dont know anywhere other than AA that even considers alcoholism a disease, and then it is called a SPIRITUAL disease.
doesnt matter what he wants but to the selfish,self centered child he is. he aint lookin out for no one but himself. aint caring ( hopefully this is just yet ) how his actions have effected anyone.
im not the smartest, but seems like no contact would be wise.
any contact would have him feelin he might still have a chance and keep ya all jacked up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by BAW81
fml - Based on previous posts, I also believe you have a small child as well. I want you to know that what you're doing is not only wonderful for you but SO SO SO wonderful for your child. You're giving her a stable and healthy home. You're showing her how to be strong.
Whenever you feel like you're going to the dark place, I hope you can think about the wonderful gift you're giving her by removing her from the drama and chaos of living with an alcoholic parent. Way to go, mom!
Whenever you feel like you're going to the dark place, I hope you can think about the wonderful gift you're giving her by removing her from the drama and chaos of living with an alcoholic parent. Way to go, mom!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by tomsteve
im sittin here kinda laughin and thinking,"well, no **** " right with ya.
however, prolly a little different reason.
sittin in a meeting in rehab with a group of people just as sick as me...i aint gonna hear NOTHIN but people with the same stories over and over.in order to recover myself, i HAD to be around people that HAD been in my shoes- ones who had recovered.
sittin around a group of people just as sick as me and expecting to get mentally,emotionally, and spiritually healthy....
i think i did that at the bar.
P.S.
idk what he means by "its the disease" but i doubt he has a clue what that even means, other than," its a great excuse for why i am like i am."
i dont know anywhere other than AA that even considers alcoholism a disease, and then it is called a SPIRITUAL disease.
doesnt matter what he wants but to the selfish,self centered child he is. he aint lookin out for no one but himself. aint caring ( hopefully this is just yet ) how his actions have effected anyone.
im not the smartest, but seems like no contact would be wise.
any contact would have him feelin he might still have a chance and keep ya all jacked up.
however, prolly a little different reason.
sittin in a meeting in rehab with a group of people just as sick as me...i aint gonna hear NOTHIN but people with the same stories over and over.in order to recover myself, i HAD to be around people that HAD been in my shoes- ones who had recovered.
sittin around a group of people just as sick as me and expecting to get mentally,emotionally, and spiritually healthy....
i think i did that at the bar.
P.S.
idk what he means by "its the disease" but i doubt he has a clue what that even means, other than," its a great excuse for why i am like i am."
i dont know anywhere other than AA that even considers alcoholism a disease, and then it is called a SPIRITUAL disease.
doesnt matter what he wants but to the selfish,self centered child he is. he aint lookin out for no one but himself. aint caring ( hopefully this is just yet ) how his actions have effected anyone.
im not the smartest, but seems like no contact would be wise.
any contact would have him feelin he might still have a chance and keep ya all jacked up.
This is a man who got our marriage counselor to agree that he was a candidate for moderation management after he had FINALLY gotten to AA. 10 guesses how moderation worked out?!? I am leery of the healthcare ppl. You see him for a couple days and think he's motivated?!
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