Chevfb7

I have seen the word codependent used constantly on this website. I have read through the stickys and can't seem to find exactly what it means. I wasn't satisfied with the google definition, as it seemed to be way too generic and not for an alcoholic's spouse. If anyone good give me a good definition or point me to where in the stickys its clarified I would be grateful!

dandylion

Chev....the following link is to a discussion of the term.....

The evolution of of the term Codependence/codependency

atalose

Codependency is the agreement that I will work harder on your problems and your life then you do.

Meaning, the none- drinking spouse in an alcoholic marriage/relationship will do research on alcoholism, will order/buy books, will look up local AA meetings in their area, will set up counseling appointments, doctor appointments in attempts to address the drinking issue the other person has.

While the none- drinking partner is busy with putting their everything into their partners drinking issue and the relationship and attempting to force solutions for the drinking……………………………the drinking partner remains drinking, doesn’t want to change, has no need for all of your help or support if that is what you want to call it and gets defensive and annoyed with your insistence.

Smarie78

Melody Beattie goes into great detail of this term in her book "Codependent No More". I use to think codependent meant two people obsessed with eachother. And it actually in a sense does! But I tend to look at it defined as the preoccupation one has in attempting to control another. Control as in, allowing another's life to impact your own by trying to alter the outcome of their own choices (ie. if I hide the liquor he won't drink, I won't go on vacation because if I do and something happens I won't be able to be there to clean it up or stop it from happening, etc.) In fact I think it's even more of a one-sided thing. In general, placing more thought and work into another person's life then allowing them to live their life while you live your own.

Codependent No More is a great book that really delves into it. Some you will resonate with, some you won't. It's a pretty evolved term.

dandylion

For me, I like this definition.....(paraphrased) "Co-dependency is less about the relationship with another person than it is about the lack of relationship with one's self".

Sasha1972

Wow - I had always assumed that "co-dependent" meant that you had some sort of unhealthy attachment to the sickness of the addicted party - that you needed them to need you and you couldn't contemplate an independent life without someone in the "sick role". I wasn't that, so I always assumed co-dependency had nothing to do with me.

But by that definition about (putting more work into the other person's problems than they do) - I was co-dependent for years, and probably still am (as I attempt to come up with "fixes" for ex's drinking that will preserve his relationship with Kid, while he just sits there and occasionally sends people crazy emails).

honeypig

I did not think I was codependent either, until I saw it explained here. Yep, I was the one sitting at the computer finding AA meetings for XAH (although, since he wasn't really going, it didn't much matter which ones he didn't go to...). I was the one making plans for his recovery.

And I did this in all sorts of other areas not related to his drinking, too.

I really, really, really try to avoid this w/EVERYONE in my life nowadays. And I feel a whole lot lighter since doing this.