Silverback4

Hi all and congratulations on a very supportive and empathetic forum.

I have been involved in destructive drinking for probably the last 15 years. I am in my late 30's now and worked in an industry that was very VERY work hard play hard. On top my dad is an alcoholic so I grew up around a lot of the destruction it can cause.

He is 16+ years sober and very active member of AA now and I don't know if I believe or will ever know in the whole nature nurture thing.
I don't want to believe that I have a problem purely because a family member did.

Anyway I have made some utterly stupid decisions (Insanity) when drunk, thankfully no long term devastating effects but I know that it would only be a matter of time before my "luck" ran out and something catastrophic happened.

My partner and best friend has told me that there is pretty much a physical and emotional change that comes over me as soon as I have the first drink a bit like Jekyll and Hyde which is hard to hear but absolutely correct unfortunately.

I have 2 young children who are nowhere near school age yet but I know that the future will be very dark for my better half and kids whom I love dearly if I don't stop drinking once and for all.

I have been aware there is a problem and have done a lot of research, reading, speaking with people already in recovery and have managed 3 weeks sober in the past but only to drink again trying to stick to "my limits" what a joke!

So I have decided that I can and never will consume alcohol again for my own sake and for that of my family.
No matter what I try it has me completely beaten and I do not want the horrible result of obsessing about drinking or worrying that I am running out or the hell that it brings.
I have also I believe already "grieved" and made peace with the frustration and anger that I had around not being able to drink normally when I go out socially and see others able to enjoy a beer or 2 without making their family hate them........

I have been through the big book, 12 steps and 12 traditions, living sober to name some of the material I have read and can relate to although never attended an actual meeting as yet and have spent hours and hours in the last 6 months reading the content on this fine site which is a credit to you all.

I understand the difference between abstinence and recovery and the importance of a programme or plan which I have already began and I am ready to be accountable for my behaviour and the promises I make that I need to keep.

Hoping to be part of the very special thing that is this site and get some help for myself and help others when I can.

I haven't had the binge drinking marathon losing a weekend drinking in the morning, willing to walk for miles in all weather just to get more booze or rather "sneak" more booze in a while but I know its only a matter of time before I end up back there so my last drink was on Sunday so I am officially on day 2.
Cant wait to get a good period of sobriety under my belt so that I can build on that for the future.
I will not drink today.

Thanks for reading my dribble

PhoenixJ

SB- WELCOME! No- your share is not dribble. No one's is. You show forethought and courage in posting. Well done. Awareness NOW- with action is a gift. One I did not have...I have the gift of hind sight. I use counseling and a psychologist as well. Keep posting- perhaps join the 'Class of September 2017' thread. Support to you.

Anna

Good decision and congratulations on Day 2. I'm glad you understand that moderation is impossible for alcoholics, and it's exhausting to attempt it. Abstinence is actually quite a bit easier. It's good that you know that recovery is more than just stopping drinking. I had to make some lifestyle changes in order to support my recovery and I had to remove a few people from my life.

There is lots of support here and information, so I hope you will continue to read and post.

icandothis20

Welcome to SR! It is helping tremendously in keeping me sober. I found once you just accept and surrender to the fact that you aren't like other people and cant drink like other people, it is a huge weight off your shoulders.
In fact, I'm glad I cant drink like other people, I much prefer to be sober, I like myself better and when I am drinking, I pursue nothing other in life.
When I am sober, I read, grow, develop, have huge personal growth, lose weight, gain confidence, start taking care of myself, by exercising and meditating and doing yoga, and the people are you are proud.
I love being sober!

Silverback4

Thank you for that Phoenix. I was trying to keep my post as short as possible is what I meant by dribble but it ran away a bit LOL!
I could have written for hours tbh!

I will check out the class of September, thanks for the point in that direction!

Silverback4

Great advice Anna in the removing people from your life comment thank you.

In the last 3 years I have ended up doing exactly that, sometimes on a conscious level and sometimes subconsciously allowing relationships to fizzle out without pursuit as I knew they were bad for me.

I had 4/5 people that I worked with and partied with for 10+ years and we were thick as thieves and looked like a impenetrable group from outsiders. Most would have described each other as best friends, we socialised together a lot with our partners, went on holidays, spec weekends together etc.
The bewitching and fake glue that was holding that all together was alcohol and not one time spent together was without it so when that started becoming more a problem than an enjoyment the "friendship" aspect was all really drinking or partying buddy ship.

These people are still living the same lives in their bubble even now and I did grieve those relationships as I slowly but surely realised exactly what they were.
I feel so much better to be free of them now tbh and hope that they don't kill themselves through excess.

Thanks again.

Silverback4

Thanks icandothis20

Love your signature by the way and my better half totally agrees with that statement.
Nice to feel someones respect for you being won back as you commit to action!

Culture

Welcome Silverback4!
You sound very positive, that's a good way to be.
Lots of support and information here, has helped me so much.
Congrats on 2 days.

Dee74

Welcome silverback - sounds like a great decision and also sounds like you have a handle on whats coming.

Good to have you aboard

D

least

Welcome Silverback! I love your avatar.

You've made a wise decision to get sober, and I hope, with our help, you can achieve permanent sobriety.

Hevyn

It's great to have you join us, Silverback.

I can relate to everything you said. You're very self-aware, & that should serve you well. Trying to stick to 'my limits' was what cost me many years of life. Dragging around in a foggy, numb state - trying to pretend I was on top of things - was draining. In the end, I was reckless and putting myself in danger each time I drank. It was every day in the end. I'm quite sure I would have lost my life if I hadn't found SR and sobriety. I'm so glad you're doing this at a much younger age - you won't have the remorse so many of us do. Congratulations on your 2 days.

Berrybean

Glad you're here and posting.


I think you are findling out something that took me a little while to realise - that we can't educate our way sober. Reading the steps doesn't work.. DOING the steps can though. A bit like gym membership and induction program never got anyone fit without them actually making that decision to get themselves to the gym and 'do the do' so to speak. One of the (many) seemingly inoccuous sayings in AA is 'It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it.' I hope that you will make the decision soon to start actually applying the knowledge you've been collecting. You could start by going to a meeting today. Procrastination doesn't do us any favours.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Silverback4

Thank you Culture, Dee, Least, Hevyn & Berrybean.
So much of what you all say resonates with me completely.
I have threatened to "work" the steps for the most part of this year to my partner and I know now that a large part of that earlier in the year was to appease her as I was still hanging on to the last thread of denial which has now gone.

I am also the type of person to research the life out of anything before I do it and I know that nothing should come before your sobriety but with 2 very small children 2&3 yrs old, and full time business it can be difficult to carve out the time which was an excuse I have used in the past.

I commit that I will absolutely attend a meeting before this week is out and have already discussed with my partner carving out specific time set aside for this as part of my recovery and journey to enjoying sobriety rather than just not drinking.

Day 3 now and feeling much more clear headed and motivated due to the fact that I have had 4 drinking episodes in the past 6 weeks not lasting more than 1 night and sticking to a certain amount of intake so I am not coming off a 3 or 4 day binge which I have had regularly in the past so I am feeling better a bit quicker this time around.
The main thing for me is not allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the "small stuff" that is life and realise that everything doesn't need to perfect (if there is such a thing) straight away.

Thanks again to all for the support and warm welcome and I will update on how I find my first meeting!

Hevyn

Please do let us know how it goes, Silverback. We care about you.

Berrybean

Yes - looking forward to hearing how you get on.

As a teacher with other committments as well I do sympathise regarding finding time. Although what I will say is that I know that the few hours a week that I spend getting to meeting and working my program really is nothing compared to lost productive time back when I was drinking if I take time spent drinking and recovering into account, plus the fact that because I'm less affected by 'the small stuff' means I'm more productive and less likely to suffer from attacks of shame when my best is not good enough for others (or, more realistically - I don't spend so much time thinking that others think me substandard when in reality others are just thinking about their own stuff and I'm likely not even on their radar).

Wishing you all the best for your first meeting, sobriety and recovery.
BB

Silverback4

Thanks so much and couldn't agree more with them helpful advice.
Scheduled to attend this weekend so will report back how I got on. Looking forward to it actually and have been keeping to my daily reading in prep for the meetings.

Best to all