ellima01

I feel so down today, my AH is driving me crazy, one day I think I want to run as far and fast as I can, and then the next I want to make it work with everything in me. am I looney?
He was up until 3am this morning- I woke up and found him on the computer- I looked at his phone later (i know- not the right thing to do) and found out he had been calling his crack dealer- didn't get him I guess because he didn't leave. Crack is his addiction#2- whiskey being his #1-
I do love my husband- I really can't stand the thought of being without him, and I know he loves me, but it is such a vicous cycle with him- he drinks every day (alot) he has started a car detailing business out of our home- which makes some money- but i know he'll probably never hold a steady job- I had to hire a sitter (that i reallllly can't afford) to keep our son because I don't trust him to keep him- what have i allowed my life to become. My AH is a sweet, sweet man (when he's sober) and I see the shame in his eyes when he does something stupid (although it doesn't keep it from happening again- at least not for long
Mostly though, I am just so sad, sad because I will never have that life I dreamed of with him- sad because he will probably die early of some disease that was caused by his lifestyle, sad because if he doesn't die that way it will be in a DUI related wreck
just sad period
thanks for listening

JessicaNAJ

ellima - I'm sorry your are hurting. I feel your heartache and your pain. I will pray that tomorrow things are better for you.

Cadence57

Ellima,
Hang in there - being here is a first step for you. Sometimes when it feels like you're going crazy, you're really going sane.

Dee at Mt Bully

Ellima--I'm sorry this time is so rough for you. Some times what makes us the saddest
is realizing that our marriage will never be what we dreamed of.And sometimes the biggest heartache is morning the loss of that dream. I hope you find out about
alanon meetings around you and attend a few. you will find alot of help there and
a great support system. Take care of yourself and your baby and please stay in
touch with us. We are here for you. I care---Dee

cwohio

ellima - yep, been there and done the mourning of the "dream". like the others here have said, keep coming back here and find an alanon meeting if you can - some meetings run at the same time as aa meetings and have babysitting.

hugs and prayers to you for that wonderful serenity we all are looking for and lots have found here and at meetings!