Advice please, so sick of hurting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Advice please, so sick of hurting
Hi everyone, I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give me on my current situation as I'm really hurt and confused.
Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 months left me, it was a horrible split with things getting physical and really awful things being said and it's these things that I can't get out of my mind.
We met up a year ago and became friends again, (we'd known one another 20 years ago and had a bit of a fling at the time and then I moved away). After a short while he started to want more but despite being attracted to him I didn't want another addict in my life romantically. He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed etc.
He reacted by swearing he'd start cutting the methadone and telling me they once he got down to 40ml he'd go into rehab, sort himself out, because he wanted a life with me. I didn't believe him but surprisingly he stayed true to his word and immediate went to the clinic and started dropping. His whole family were amazed as his ex had been asking him for years to drop and he'd never do it. I was stupidly flattered and gradually let my guard down and let him in.
He dropped monthly and each time he did he'd be in constant pain, moody and increasingly distant for 2 weeks only for it to level out for a week or 2 before the whole cycle started again. I found the mood swings and emotional distance really difficult but he kept assuring me that it was nothing wrong between us but the effects of the withdrawal, he would ask me not to give up on him as we were good together and tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was etc
Fast forward 5 months and he started to pick fault in my appearance, my weight, my makeup, my hair but if I retorted he would say I was being sensitive and couldn't take a joke.
Around this time he moved out of his sisters house where he'd lived with her and her family for 5 years and into his own place. Things started to go down hill quickly, he was moody, distant, cold most of the time but would punctuate this behaviour with just enough good times to keep me hanging in there.
The contact between us became less and less but he still insisted it was not down to anything being wrong between us but him struggling with reducing his methadone. Around this time I started to find the odd empty drug baggie around his house, unsaved numbers would call in the middle of the night and "friends" if never heard of would be around whenever I wasn't there. His drinking increased and sometimes his eyes wouldn't look right but it wasn't all the time.
It all came to a head when he forgot my birthday despite us having talked about it for a couple of weeks. He claimed he didn't forget it that he was waiting for me to get in touch first before he said anything. He said he didn't have enough money to get me a card and he'd sort something out when he could. I said there was no point after the event and he accused me of making life really hard for him with my demands and said I was trying to get him in trouble by making him feel so guilty that he'd have to go out and steal a card!?! I kid you not.
A few days later he screamed at me that he didn't want me, didn't love me and that I was a physics mess who'd let herself go. He liked the me he knew 20 years ago who was slimmer.
It turns out that he told his brother in law months ago that he didn't like big girls (I'm not that big) and didn't fancy me but thought I was a good person and he would try and get me to lose weight and see how he felt about me then!!! I am beyond hurt because our sex life was good and he would tell me I was beautiful and ask me to stick by him and to go from that to "I never found you attractive, you're a mess" had me so confused.
I'm fairly sure that he started using something again around the time he move but can't be certain. Does methadone withdrawal make people so up and down or is more going on here?
Sorry for such a long post but am so confused and feel so fat and unattractive right now. I can't get this stuff out of my head, would dearly like some clarity. Many thanks
Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 months left me, it was a horrible split with things getting physical and really awful things being said and it's these things that I can't get out of my mind.
We met up a year ago and became friends again, (we'd known one another 20 years ago and had a bit of a fling at the time and then I moved away). After a short while he started to want more but despite being attracted to him I didn't want another addict in my life romantically. He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed etc.
He reacted by swearing he'd start cutting the methadone and telling me they once he got down to 40ml he'd go into rehab, sort himself out, because he wanted a life with me. I didn't believe him but surprisingly he stayed true to his word and immediate went to the clinic and started dropping. His whole family were amazed as his ex had been asking him for years to drop and he'd never do it. I was stupidly flattered and gradually let my guard down and let him in.
He dropped monthly and each time he did he'd be in constant pain, moody and increasingly distant for 2 weeks only for it to level out for a week or 2 before the whole cycle started again. I found the mood swings and emotional distance really difficult but he kept assuring me that it was nothing wrong between us but the effects of the withdrawal, he would ask me not to give up on him as we were good together and tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was etc
Fast forward 5 months and he started to pick fault in my appearance, my weight, my makeup, my hair but if I retorted he would say I was being sensitive and couldn't take a joke.
Around this time he moved out of his sisters house where he'd lived with her and her family for 5 years and into his own place. Things started to go down hill quickly, he was moody, distant, cold most of the time but would punctuate this behaviour with just enough good times to keep me hanging in there.
The contact between us became less and less but he still insisted it was not down to anything being wrong between us but him struggling with reducing his methadone. Around this time I started to find the odd empty drug baggie around his house, unsaved numbers would call in the middle of the night and "friends" if never heard of would be around whenever I wasn't there. His drinking increased and sometimes his eyes wouldn't look right but it wasn't all the time.
It all came to a head when he forgot my birthday despite us having talked about it for a couple of weeks. He claimed he didn't forget it that he was waiting for me to get in touch first before he said anything. He said he didn't have enough money to get me a card and he'd sort something out when he could. I said there was no point after the event and he accused me of making life really hard for him with my demands and said I was trying to get him in trouble by making him feel so guilty that he'd have to go out and steal a card!?! I kid you not.
A few days later he screamed at me that he didn't want me, didn't love me and that I was a physics mess who'd let herself go. He liked the me he knew 20 years ago who was slimmer.
It turns out that he told his brother in law months ago that he didn't like big girls (I'm not that big) and didn't fancy me but thought I was a good person and he would try and get me to lose weight and see how he felt about me then!!! I am beyond hurt because our sex life was good and he would tell me I was beautiful and ask me to stick by him and to go from that to "I never found you attractive, you're a mess" had me so confused.
I'm fairly sure that he started using something again around the time he move but can't be certain. Does methadone withdrawal make people so up and down or is more going on here?
Sorry for such a long post but am so confused and feel so fat and unattractive right now. I can't get this stuff out of my head, would dearly like some clarity. Many thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi britgirl
I don;t know anything about methadone but him being so changeable and downright abusive is a clear sign somethings changed.
He's sounding like a pretty big jerk, if I'm honest. Why would you want to put up with stuff like this?
D
I don;t know anything about methadone but him being so changeable and downright abusive is a clear sign somethings changed.
He's sounding like a pretty big jerk, if I'm honest. Why would you want to put up with stuff like this?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Thank you for your reply Dee and in answer to why I would put up with it, I really don't know. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself and was treated pretty badly in my last two relationships, I was also lonely and bored, tired of being alone at night after my kids had gone to bed. The attention was flattering and I truly believed he must of loved me to actively start reducing his methadone after refusing to for years previously. He always had an excuse for his behaviour (it's the pain, I'm feeling so low, I've dropped again and it's killing me etc) and would reassure me that he loved me and that things would be ok. Stupidly I fell for it all.
His comments have destroyed any shred of confidence that I did have, I went from being the best thing that ever happened to him (his words) to someone he was never attracted to in the first place. Before we split he was very close to his sister )my good friend) and would call and text her every day and visit a couple of times a week. Since it happened she's seen nor heard nothing from him, when she finally got hold of him he said it was because he didn't want to see me. Truly don't understand what I've done to be treated like this.
His comments have destroyed any shred of confidence that I did have, I went from being the best thing that ever happened to him (his words) to someone he was never attracted to in the first place. Before we split he was very close to his sister )my good friend) and would call and text her every day and visit a couple of times a week. Since it happened she's seen nor heard nothing from him, when she finally got hold of him he said it was because he didn't want to see me. Truly don't understand what I've done to be treated like this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Britgir.,
I'm sorry to hear of how you were/are being treated.
Yep, he sounds like a jerk, no one deserves to be treated like he has treated
you. It hurts, don't it? WORDS hurt.
Anyway, I've learned the hard way that the affected persons recovery is their
business, and your codependency recovery is your business.
Try going to a support group, embrace the help YOU need, let him take of
his own needs.
Hugs to you, and know that we SR cares.
Keep posting, we do read the threads
TF
I'm sorry to hear of how you were/are being treated.
Yep, he sounds like a jerk, no one deserves to be treated like he has treated
you. It hurts, don't it? WORDS hurt.
Anyway, I've learned the hard way that the affected persons recovery is their
business, and your codependency recovery is your business.
Try going to a support group, embrace the help YOU need, let him take of
his own needs.
Hugs to you, and know that we SR cares.
Keep posting, we do read the threads
TF
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by britgirl 
Thank you for your reply Dee and in answer to why I would put up with it, I really don't know.
.
.
I don't have a lot of confidence in myself
, I was also lonely and bored, tired of being alone at night after my kids had gone to bed.
The attention was flattering
bg, it reads like the low self esteem has been going on for some time.
lookin back through some of your past threads, it reads like you yourself had a problem with alcohol.
how long have you been sober? have you done anything to address the underlying issues that alcohol was just a symptom of?
in other words, do you have untreated alcoholism? a person doesnt have to be acitvly drinking to have that happen.
whatever the case, there IS a solution.
you dont deserve to be treated like a doormat for or by someone elses mental and emotional problems.
theres stickies and the tops of the forums that might interest ya.
i hope ya decide to end whatever contact ya have with this man and start working on you. theres some
p.s.
clarity ,imo:
youre not in a relationship- you are a hostage.
start the process of loving yourself by breaking free
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i think ya answered that part in your post here:
I don't have a lot of confidence in myself
, I was also lonely and bored, tired of being alone at night after my kids had gone to bed.
The attention was flattering
bg, it reads like the low self esteem has been going on for some time.
lookin back through some of your past threads, it reads like you yourself had a problem with alcohol.
how long have you been sober? have you done anything to address the underlying issues that alcohol was just a symptom of?
in other words, do you have untreated alcoholism? a person doesnt have to be acitvly drinking to have that happen.
whatever the case, there IS a solution.
you dont deserve to be treated like a doormat for or by someone elses mental and emotional problems.
theres stickies and the tops of the forums that might interest ya.
i hope ya decide to end whatever contact ya have with this man and start working on you. theres some
p.s.
clarity ,imo:
youre not in a relationship- you are a hostage.
start the process of loving yourself by breaking free
I don't have a lot of confidence in myself
, I was also lonely and bored, tired of being alone at night after my kids had gone to bed.
The attention was flattering
bg, it reads like the low self esteem has been going on for some time.
lookin back through some of your past threads, it reads like you yourself had a problem with alcohol.
how long have you been sober? have you done anything to address the underlying issues that alcohol was just a symptom of?
in other words, do you have untreated alcoholism? a person doesnt have to be acitvly drinking to have that happen.
whatever the case, there IS a solution.
you dont deserve to be treated like a doormat for or by someone elses mental and emotional problems.
theres stickies and the tops of the forums that might interest ya.
i hope ya decide to end whatever contact ya have with this man and start working on you. theres some
p.s.
clarity ,imo:
youre not in a relationship- you are a hostage.
start the process of loving yourself by breaking free
Hi tomsteve, thanks for taking the time to answer. I did indeed have a problem with alcohol myself and haven't drank for almost 4 years now. For the 1st couple of years I went to meetings when I could and tried to work the steps but this dropped off.
Everything feels so hard right now, I need to work on my own recovery and stop the self abuse but I feel so low I just don't know where to start. It's one big pity party over here at the minute and I really don't like myself for it. I used to be strong, now I just feel flat, I exist is all,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
He's gone
Just wanted to update all of you that took the time to reply to my original post.
He was found dead at his home on 30th October, he'd been dead for 3 days but alone in there for 6. He'd called his girlfriend to ask her to take him to hospital but she said she was busy. He called his sister on the Friday and couldn't talk properly and she just told him to call back when he could speak.
The initial autopsy result showed that his liver ruptured. Apparently he had been drinking two bottles of vodka a day in the last couple of months and smoking crack. The new girlfriend was an alcoholic and also smoked crack so he no longer had to moderate his use. Tox screens aren't back yet and inquest results can take upto 10 weeks but I'm told that in the last few weeks he was scoring heroin in his old haunts. He'd pushed anyone who didn't use out of his life.
A few weeks before we split he told me that if he ever started using again I'd never see him again as he knew he wouldn't make it through a heroin relapse, he told me it'd take days for him to get straight back to where he was before. He was right and now he's gone.
He spoke to his brother a few weeks ago and gave him my number and asked him, if anything happened to him to tell me he was sorry, that he didn't mean the things he said that he needed me out of his life because he didn't want me to see him go down.
I am beyond devastated, the sheer destructiveness of addiction is beyond my comprehension. I don't know how to handle this at all. I'm questioning if I could of done more, replaying our every conversation and especially the last time I saw him when we both said such awful things. I would do anything to take it back and now I'll never be able to.
Thank you for reading.
Brit
He was found dead at his home on 30th October, he'd been dead for 3 days but alone in there for 6. He'd called his girlfriend to ask her to take him to hospital but she said she was busy. He called his sister on the Friday and couldn't talk properly and she just told him to call back when he could speak.
The initial autopsy result showed that his liver ruptured. Apparently he had been drinking two bottles of vodka a day in the last couple of months and smoking crack. The new girlfriend was an alcoholic and also smoked crack so he no longer had to moderate his use. Tox screens aren't back yet and inquest results can take upto 10 weeks but I'm told that in the last few weeks he was scoring heroin in his old haunts. He'd pushed anyone who didn't use out of his life.
A few weeks before we split he told me that if he ever started using again I'd never see him again as he knew he wouldn't make it through a heroin relapse, he told me it'd take days for him to get straight back to where he was before. He was right and now he's gone.
He spoke to his brother a few weeks ago and gave him my number and asked him, if anything happened to him to tell me he was sorry, that he didn't mean the things he said that he needed me out of his life because he didn't want me to see him go down.
I am beyond devastated, the sheer destructiveness of addiction is beyond my comprehension. I don't know how to handle this at all. I'm questioning if I could of done more, replaying our every conversation and especially the last time I saw him when we both said such awful things. I would do anything to take it back and now I'll never be able to.
Thank you for reading.
Brit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Britgirl, he had a major disease and it killed him. Just as if he had cancer or a bad heart. None of that is your fault. Dealing with an active addict can be the most difficult debilitating experience one can go through, especially if there are strong feelings involved. Your grief will will lessen in time and the good memories will still be there. You still have your life to be lived. Sending hugs and positive energy your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 12
"He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed"
Hi, I have been successfully clean on methadone for over 3 years and I am glad to tell you a bit about it.
Methadone is not to be used with Benzos. It is too dangerous, the interaction frequently causes people to stop breathing. Methadone clinics prohibit being prescribed Benzos. With that being said, he was lieing to his methadone clinic and Benzos doctor about being on both. Also, alcohol is not to be used with methadone. Again, people die from stopping breathing. Weed is also not allowed at methadone clinics.
From your description of his medications, he was misusing them and lieing to all doctors. He was not clean due to his misuse.
Weaning off of methadone can cause irritability and flu like symptoms. But, in no way is the way he spoke to you a symptom of withdrawal. It is however a symptom of emotional and verbal abuse. It really gets under my skin (as an addict, 10 years active addiction) when addicts use withdrawals or addiction as an excuse to abuse others. In active addiction, yes I lied to hide my addiction and got irritable but I did not abuse people. Because I am not an abuser.
Please do not go back to this man. Do not allow addiction to be an excuse to endure the terrible ways he treats you. You are beautiful inside and out no matter what anyone says. Even when words like this come from someone you love, you are still beautiful your worth does not diminish.
It is going to be hard to hear but he was active in addiction your whole relationship. A clean person on methadone doesn't misuse their dose, take meds that interact with it, drink, or hang out with people that drink or do drugs.
There is someone out there who will appreciate you. Especially since you are so patient and are willing to stick by someone's side when you believe they are suffering and need you. But this man does not need you and does not deserve you.
You will always be worthy of love and worthy of respect.
Hi, I have been successfully clean on methadone for over 3 years and I am glad to tell you a bit about it.
Methadone is not to be used with Benzos. It is too dangerous, the interaction frequently causes people to stop breathing. Methadone clinics prohibit being prescribed Benzos. With that being said, he was lieing to his methadone clinic and Benzos doctor about being on both. Also, alcohol is not to be used with methadone. Again, people die from stopping breathing. Weed is also not allowed at methadone clinics.
From your description of his medications, he was misusing them and lieing to all doctors. He was not clean due to his misuse.
Weaning off of methadone can cause irritability and flu like symptoms. But, in no way is the way he spoke to you a symptom of withdrawal. It is however a symptom of emotional and verbal abuse. It really gets under my skin (as an addict, 10 years active addiction) when addicts use withdrawals or addiction as an excuse to abuse others. In active addiction, yes I lied to hide my addiction and got irritable but I did not abuse people. Because I am not an abuser.
Please do not go back to this man. Do not allow addiction to be an excuse to endure the terrible ways he treats you. You are beautiful inside and out no matter what anyone says. Even when words like this come from someone you love, you are still beautiful your worth does not diminish.
It is going to be hard to hear but he was active in addiction your whole relationship. A clean person on methadone doesn't misuse their dose, take meds that interact with it, drink, or hang out with people that drink or do drugs.
There is someone out there who will appreciate you. Especially since you are so patient and are willing to stick by someone's side when you believe they are suffering and need you. But this man does not need you and does not deserve you.
You will always be worthy of love and worthy of respect.
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