Hurting all over again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Hurting all over again
Hi everyone, I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give me on my current situation as I'm really hurt and confused.
Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 months left me, it was a horrible split with things getting physical and really awful things being said and it's these things that I can't get out of my mind.
We met up a year ago and became friends again, (we'd known one another 20 years ago and had a bit of a fling at the time and then I moved away). After a short while he started to want more but despite being attracted to him I didn't want another addict in my life romantically. He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed etc.
He reacted by swearing he'd start cutting the methadone and telling me they once he got down to 40ml he'd go into rehab, sort himself out, because he wanted a life with me. I didn't believe him but surprisingly he stayed true to his word and immediate went to the clinic and started dropping. His whole family were amazed as his ex had been asking him for years to drop and he'd never do it. I was stupidly flattered and gradually let my guard down and let him in.
He dropped monthly and each time he did he'd be in constant pain, moody and increasingly distant for 2 weeks only for it to level out for a week or 2 before the whole cycle started again. I found the mood swings and emotional distance really difficult but he kept assuring me that it was nothing wrong between us but the effects of the withdrawal, he would ask me not to give up on him as we were good together and tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was etc
Fast forward 5 months and he started to pick fault in my appearance, my weight, my makeup, my hair but if I retorted he would say I was being sensitive and couldn't take a joke.
Around this time he moved out of his sisters house where he'd lived with her and her family for 5 years and into his own place. Things started to go down hill quickly, he was moody, distant, cold most of the time but would punctuate this behaviour with just enough good times to keep me hanging in there.
The contact between us became less and less but he still insisted it was not down to anything being wrong between us but him struggling with reducing his methadone. Around this time I started to find the odd empty drug baggie around his house, unsaved numbers would call in the middle of the night and "friends" if never heard of would be around whenever I wasn't there. His drinking increased and sometimes his eyes wouldn't look right but it wasn't all the time.
It all came to a head when he forgot my birthday despite us having talked about it for a couple of weeks. He claimed he didn't forget it that he was waiting for me to get in touch first before he said anything. He said he didn't have enough money to get me a card and he'd sort something out when he could. I said there was no point after the event and he accused me of making life really hard for him with my demands and said I was trying to get him in trouble by making him feel so guilty that he'd have to go out and steal a card!?! I kid you not.
A few days later he screamed at me that he didn't want me, didn't love me and that I was a physics mess who'd let herself go. He liked the me he knew 20 years ago who was slimmer.
It turns out that he told his brother in law months ago that he didn't like big girls (I'm not that big) and didn't fancy me but thought I was a good person and he would try and get me to lose weight and see how he felt about me then!!! I am beyond hurt because our sex life was good and he would tell me I was beautiful and ask me to stick by him and to go from that to "I never found you attractive, you're a mess" had me so confused.
I'm fairly sure that he started using something again around the time he move but can't be certain. Does methadone withdrawal make people so up and down or is more going on here?
Sorry for such a long post but am so confused and feel so fat and unattractive right now. I can't get this stuff out of my head, would dearly like some clarity. Many thanks
Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 months left me, it was a horrible split with things getting physical and really awful things being said and it's these things that I can't get out of my mind.
We met up a year ago and became friends again, (we'd known one another 20 years ago and had a bit of a fling at the time and then I moved away). After a short while he started to want more but despite being attracted to him I didn't want another addict in my life romantically. He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed etc.
He reacted by swearing he'd start cutting the methadone and telling me they once he got down to 40ml he'd go into rehab, sort himself out, because he wanted a life with me. I didn't believe him but surprisingly he stayed true to his word and immediate went to the clinic and started dropping. His whole family were amazed as his ex had been asking him for years to drop and he'd never do it. I was stupidly flattered and gradually let my guard down and let him in.
He dropped monthly and each time he did he'd be in constant pain, moody and increasingly distant for 2 weeks only for it to level out for a week or 2 before the whole cycle started again. I found the mood swings and emotional distance really difficult but he kept assuring me that it was nothing wrong between us but the effects of the withdrawal, he would ask me not to give up on him as we were good together and tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was etc
Fast forward 5 months and he started to pick fault in my appearance, my weight, my makeup, my hair but if I retorted he would say I was being sensitive and couldn't take a joke.
Around this time he moved out of his sisters house where he'd lived with her and her family for 5 years and into his own place. Things started to go down hill quickly, he was moody, distant, cold most of the time but would punctuate this behaviour with just enough good times to keep me hanging in there.
The contact between us became less and less but he still insisted it was not down to anything being wrong between us but him struggling with reducing his methadone. Around this time I started to find the odd empty drug baggie around his house, unsaved numbers would call in the middle of the night and "friends" if never heard of would be around whenever I wasn't there. His drinking increased and sometimes his eyes wouldn't look right but it wasn't all the time.
It all came to a head when he forgot my birthday despite us having talked about it for a couple of weeks. He claimed he didn't forget it that he was waiting for me to get in touch first before he said anything. He said he didn't have enough money to get me a card and he'd sort something out when he could. I said there was no point after the event and he accused me of making life really hard for him with my demands and said I was trying to get him in trouble by making him feel so guilty that he'd have to go out and steal a card!?! I kid you not.
A few days later he screamed at me that he didn't want me, didn't love me and that I was a physics mess who'd let herself go. He liked the me he knew 20 years ago who was slimmer.
It turns out that he told his brother in law months ago that he didn't like big girls (I'm not that big) and didn't fancy me but thought I was a good person and he would try and get me to lose weight and see how he felt about me then!!! I am beyond hurt because our sex life was good and he would tell me I was beautiful and ask me to stick by him and to go from that to "I never found you attractive, you're a mess" had me so confused.
I'm fairly sure that he started using something again around the time he move but can't be certain. Does methadone withdrawal make people so up and down or is more going on here?
Sorry for such a long post but am so confused and feel so fat and unattractive right now. I can't get this stuff out of my head, would dearly like some clarity. Many thanks
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We met up a year ago and became friends again, (we'd known one another 20 years ago and had a bit of a fling at the time and then I moved away). After a short while he started to want more but despite being attracted to him I didn't want another addict in my life romantically. He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed etc.
hello. the above statement holds all the clarify you need.....he was in active addiction when you met....well re-met, this time around. no one functions taking all those substances. what you experienced was being near someone taking that cocktails of drugs.
hello. the above statement holds all the clarify you need.....he was in active addiction when you met....well re-met, this time around. no one functions taking all those substances. what you experienced was being near someone taking that cocktails of drugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, britgirl.
Very sorry for your pain and trouble.
Right now things are very raw, but time will bring clarity, I think.
Addicts are crazy complicated, and very good at pulling people into their orbits at first.
Love bombing, I think it's called.
Eventually, the behavior changes until they are back where they were.
Unfortunately, there you are, wondering what happened to your sweet, loving partner.
It probably doesn't feel this way now, but, imo, you are better off out of the relationship.
Good thoughts.
Very sorry for your pain and trouble.
Right now things are very raw, but time will bring clarity, I think.
Addicts are crazy complicated, and very good at pulling people into their orbits at first.
Love bombing, I think it's called.
Eventually, the behavior changes until they are back where they were.
Unfortunately, there you are, wondering what happened to your sweet, loving partner.
It probably doesn't feel this way now, but, imo, you are better off out of the relationship.
Good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Britgirl
I am sorry for what brings you here. But I see you joined SR back in 2013. So I am guessing you understand just how valuable & supportive this forum is.
I just have a couple things to share.
I am fairly recently going through a similar situation as yourself. My story is posted on this forum in a large thread. Its an ugly story.
My addict was an IV heroine user. When I met her she was attending a methadone clinic daily. She was on a high daily dose. She also drank alcohol day & night.
After she disclosed concerning the methadone clinic - I went on an online reading binge. I heard of methadone but found out I knew little about it.
Methadone alone is a very powerful drug. Methadone & alcohol are a very bad combination. Mixing in other drugs on top of that is just reckless. What you described above is simply active addiction. It is not any form of recovery.
My situation went on for years. I experienced everything you described.
I see your questioning yourself & looking for answers. There are volumes written online about methadone (MMT) in general, mixing methadone with other drugs as you described, methadone taper, & methadone withdrawals . Your answers are out there. I found mine.
Addiction is very destructive as unfortunately you are finding out.
I wish you the best of luck.
I am sorry for what brings you here. But I see you joined SR back in 2013. So I am guessing you understand just how valuable & supportive this forum is.
I just have a couple things to share.
I am fairly recently going through a similar situation as yourself. My story is posted on this forum in a large thread. Its an ugly story.
My addict was an IV heroine user. When I met her she was attending a methadone clinic daily. She was on a high daily dose. She also drank alcohol day & night.
After she disclosed concerning the methadone clinic - I went on an online reading binge. I heard of methadone but found out I knew little about it.
Methadone alone is a very powerful drug. Methadone & alcohol are a very bad combination. Mixing in other drugs on top of that is just reckless. What you described above is simply active addiction. It is not any form of recovery.
My situation went on for years. I experienced everything you described.
I see your questioning yourself & looking for answers. There are volumes written online about methadone (MMT) in general, mixing methadone with other drugs as you described, methadone taper, & methadone withdrawals . Your answers are out there. I found mine.
Addiction is very destructive as unfortunately you are finding out.
I wish you the best of luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it's much appreciated. I just found out he has someone else already, it's as if I never existed and it really hurts.
I just don't understand why he has turned on me this way but have to accept that I probably never will know and even if I did it wouldn't make me feel any better. Just wish I was strong enough to move on quickly with the minimum amount of emotional impact but I tend to dwell on things which makes it difficult.
Once again thanks for your responses
Brit
I just don't understand why he has turned on me this way but have to accept that I probably never will know and even if I did it wouldn't make me feel any better. Just wish I was strong enough to move on quickly with the minimum amount of emotional impact but I tend to dwell on things which makes it difficult.
Once again thanks for your responses
Brit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
There is a saying around here: "Co-dependents mourn. Addicts replace."
He is just doing what addicts do.
Don't be afraid to grieve. A relationship has ended and that's sad.
In time, I hope, you will come to see that you really are better off without an addict in your life.
Hugs.
He is just doing what addicts do.
Don't be afraid to grieve. A relationship has ended and that's sad.
In time, I hope, you will come to see that you really are better off without an addict in your life.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Thanks all, really appreciate the time you take to help,
I'm trying to work on myself and started to make small changes, things I should of done a long time ago rather than wasting all my energy for the last 9 years on "relationships" with addicts.
The thing that hurts the most is how they walk away unscathed whilst we are left to pick up the pieces. I wasted 7 years of my life with my ex and youngest daughters Dad who begged me to stand by him, I did and when he finally went to rehab he left us. He's 2.5 years clean now and has a lovely woman, new baby, big house etc. I haven't found anyone who seems remotely interested in me as a person, I struggle financially, struggle to bring my girls up alone and really hate where we live but don't have the money to move. I admit that I'm resentful and sometimes wonder how long I can keep things together as I can see no light at the end of the tunnel.
The latest addict ex has also moved on within a few weeks of us splitting and is going around telling everyone how things are just "right" with his new girlfriend and that he's finally feeling happy. I am left dealing with his emotional abuse and wondering how the hell he could sleep with someone for nearly a year that he now claims he was never attracted to because I was too big for him!!!
Sorry for the rant but needed to vent, life seems so hard, so confusing on so many levels right now and it's getting me down.
Thanks for reading, hugs to you all
I'm trying to work on myself and started to make small changes, things I should of done a long time ago rather than wasting all my energy for the last 9 years on "relationships" with addicts.
The thing that hurts the most is how they walk away unscathed whilst we are left to pick up the pieces. I wasted 7 years of my life with my ex and youngest daughters Dad who begged me to stand by him, I did and when he finally went to rehab he left us. He's 2.5 years clean now and has a lovely woman, new baby, big house etc. I haven't found anyone who seems remotely interested in me as a person, I struggle financially, struggle to bring my girls up alone and really hate where we live but don't have the money to move. I admit that I'm resentful and sometimes wonder how long I can keep things together as I can see no light at the end of the tunnel.
The latest addict ex has also moved on within a few weeks of us splitting and is going around telling everyone how things are just "right" with his new girlfriend and that he's finally feeling happy. I am left dealing with his emotional abuse and wondering how the hell he could sleep with someone for nearly a year that he now claims he was never attracted to because I was too big for him!!!
Sorry for the rant but needed to vent, life seems so hard, so confusing on so many levels right now and it's getting me down.
Thanks for reading, hugs to you all
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you take the time NOW to focus on you. get to know you. work thru some of your stuff. make that your priority. that time will NOT be wasted......you have a life now that is not ruled by someone else's problems, addictions, issues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
He's gone
Just wanted to update all of you that took the time to reply to my original post.
He was found dead at his home on 30th October, he'd been dead for 3 days but alone in there for 6. He'd called his girlfriend to ask her to take him to hospital but she said she was busy. He called his sister on the Friday and couldn't talk properly and she just told him to call back when he could speak.
The initial autopsy result showed that his liver ruptured. Apparently he had been drinking two bottles of vodka a day in the last couple of months and smoking crack. The new girlfriend was an alcoholic and also smoked crack so he no longer had to moderate his use. Tox screens aren't back yet and inquest results can take upto 10 weeks but I'm told that in the last few weeks he was scoring heroin in his old haunts. He'd pushed anyone who didn't use out of his life.
A few weeks before we split he told me that if he ever started using again I'd never see him again as he knew he wouldn't make it through a heroin relapse, he told me it'd take days for him to get straight back to where he was before. He was right and now he's gone.
He spoke to his brother a few weeks ago and gave him my number and asked him, if anything happened to him to tell me he was sorry, that he didn't mean the things he said that he needed me out of his life because he didn't want me to see him go down.
I am beyond devastated, the sheer destructiveness of addiction is beyond my comprehension. I don't know how to handle this at all. I'm questioning if I could of done more, replaying our every conversation and especially the last time I saw him when we both said such awful things. I would do anything to take it back and now I'll never be able to.
Thank you for reading.
Brit
He was found dead at his home on 30th October, he'd been dead for 3 days but alone in there for 6. He'd called his girlfriend to ask her to take him to hospital but she said she was busy. He called his sister on the Friday and couldn't talk properly and she just told him to call back when he could speak.
The initial autopsy result showed that his liver ruptured. Apparently he had been drinking two bottles of vodka a day in the last couple of months and smoking crack. The new girlfriend was an alcoholic and also smoked crack so he no longer had to moderate his use. Tox screens aren't back yet and inquest results can take upto 10 weeks but I'm told that in the last few weeks he was scoring heroin in his old haunts. He'd pushed anyone who didn't use out of his life.
A few weeks before we split he told me that if he ever started using again I'd never see him again as he knew he wouldn't make it through a heroin relapse, he told me it'd take days for him to get straight back to where he was before. He was right and now he's gone.
He spoke to his brother a few weeks ago and gave him my number and asked him, if anything happened to him to tell me he was sorry, that he didn't mean the things he said that he needed me out of his life because he didn't want me to see him go down.
I am beyond devastated, the sheer destructiveness of addiction is beyond my comprehension. I don't know how to handle this at all. I'm questioning if I could of done more, replaying our every conversation and especially the last time I saw him when we both said such awful things. I would do anything to take it back and now I'll never be able to.
Thank you for reading.
Brit
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm so sorry Brit. Sending you a big, giant, warm hug. You're going question yourself...that's to be expected. No, you can't take back things that were said, but he said and did some awful stuff; I'm sure worse than you. So, try not to beat yourself up here. You don't deserve that. Whenever someone dies the loved ones most always question whether or not there was "more they could have done". That happens a lot even when there is no addiction problems and someone just dies a natural death. "Did I miss something?". "Maybe I could have done more.", etc. I don't think you could have stopped him, I really don't. Again, I'm so sorry.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 
I'm so sorry Brit. Sending you a big, giant, warm hug. You're going question yourself...that's to be expected. No, you can't take back things that were said, but he said and did some awful stuff; I'm sure worse than you. So, try not to beat yourself up here. You don't deserve that. Whenever someone dies the loved ones most always question whether or not there was "more they could have done". That happens a lot even when there is no addiction problems and someone just dies a natural death. "Did I miss something?". "Maybe I could have done more.", etc. I don't think you could have stopped him, I really don't. Again, I'm so sorry.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Well, sweetheart, I'd say you took about all you could take at the time. Being with someone trying to come off methadone is rough. And yes, their mood swings and whatnot....no thanks....they are basically sloooowwwwly detoxing/withdrawing perpetually. It ain't pretty. Addiction is a vicious animal really and try not to blame yourself for choosing to no longer tangle with it. You can't save them. You have to save yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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BritGirl
I am so sorry to read this devastating news.
I wasn't you which caused this. When I became fully aware of what was going on with my addict, I knew & worried that an outcome like this is possible. I also knew there was nothing I could do about it. I tried but it made no difference.
This is also all beyond my comprehension. I know in my situation nothing I did worked out with her. Addiction is so destructive.
I am completely at a loss for words. What happened to you is my biggest fear. I am so sorry for you. Please take care.
I am so sorry to read this devastating news.
I wasn't you which caused this. When I became fully aware of what was going on with my addict, I knew & worried that an outcome like this is possible. I also knew there was nothing I could do about it. I tried but it made no difference.
This is also all beyond my comprehension. I know in my situation nothing I did worked out with her. Addiction is so destructive.
I am completely at a loss for words. What happened to you is my biggest fear. I am so sorry for you. Please take care.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hope you're doing alright, Brit. We are here and support you. You're not guilty of anything....we all know that...but we also know what it's like to FEEL guilty when something bad happens even if we are not really to blame.
From what little I know about methadone it is truly one of the hardest drugs to (finally) get clean from and takes a loooonnnng time. And, when weaning off of it every time they reduce the dose even if it's just a little, the addict experiences a withdrawal. This affects anybody they are around and gets old real quick. One of pitfalls is when the addict does not get their usual daily dose they are accustomed to they are tempted to turn back to getting stuff off the street. But his choice to do that is not because of you. Another thing many opiate addicts do is even though they get their daily dose of methadone they still supplement their habit with other opiates and other drugs.
From what little I know about methadone it is truly one of the hardest drugs to (finally) get clean from and takes a loooonnnng time. And, when weaning off of it every time they reduce the dose even if it's just a little, the addict experiences a withdrawal. This affects anybody they are around and gets old real quick. One of pitfalls is when the addict does not get their usual daily dose they are accustomed to they are tempted to turn back to getting stuff off the street. But his choice to do that is not because of you. Another thing many opiate addicts do is even though they get their daily dose of methadone they still supplement their habit with other opiates and other drugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
I'm so so sorry to hear your news. How truley devastating for you. Please don't torture yourself with what ifs. Nothing that happen could have been prevented by you absolutely nothing. You have done your best and he was too far into the addiction. We are all responsible for our own lives. Sending you prayers and hugs.
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