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hi I'm new. don't really know what I need/want

Old 09-08-2017, 08:00 PM
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hi I'm new. don't really know what I need/want

Hi there. I'm coming here knowing i need some changes but still confused I guess? I'm in my 30s, have a beautiful family, wonderful job and feel overall very blessed. However, I drank a lot in my 20s. I've never been physically addicted (I don't think so...or I've never had apparent withdrawal symptoms), or had any of the 'alcoholic textbook consequences' (DUI, blackouts, can't keepa job, fights etc ?? Hope that's not offensive...learning as I'm getting older there are lots of 'responsible' people w alcohol issues too) etc. But I definitely acted irresponsible in my 20s (in a lot of ways emotionally) due to alcohol. I would say I drank almost daily after work a 6 pack of some variety of lite beer (ultra, bud light, miller). I never drank wine or liquor. I know that sounds like a lot, and it does to me too looking back, but back then I didn't think anything of it... honestly I thought 6 lite beers over 4 hours was being healthy lol. I did go through long periods of complete sobriety too with pregnancies and for whatever else (breastfeeding etc).
Now, into my 30s, I'm realizing (just now) that I think I have an unhealthy love of beer. My drinking on paper now-adays sounds manageable at (anywhere from/between/to) 3-12 beers / week but I want it to b none sometimes and def no more than 7/week ever and I just never meet that goal. I'll tell myself no beer for 1 month and I always give in. I'll go2 weeks and find some reason to relax w a couple beers (unless I was pregnant...I love my babies more than myself, thank God).
Main reason why I'm conflicted is bc of my health. I've noticed since my last pregnancy a few years ago that if I drink more than 2 days/week, around 2-3 beers each time, I get a weird pain in my back right shoulder blade which is obviously near my liver. This terrifies me but obviously not enough. Honestly it pisses me off (and I guess this is partly why I'm confused and here...bc Who gets mad over beer). It's like, now for the past 6 years or so, where I've really tried to be healthier and better, and now i can't have a few beers a week w/o fear and possibly some very scary physical consequences! ? (I know that sounds childish but that's how I react surface level).
So there lies my confusion...I obviously have issues if I'm 'mad' that I cannot have a beer.. even if it's only a couple on the weekend, or 1 a few nights a week...I've tried all those combos to b 'healthy' yet the fear is still there. So why can't it b none. Why do I like beer, and beer only, so much! Why can't I go a month w/o one.
I think what scares me more is that if I DO go a month, at the end of it, I'll Know the responsible thing to do is to never drink again. Bc the stopping/starting/scheduling thing is annoying and exhausting that I even have to think about it (can't have any this weekend, had 5 during week... let's go2 weeks w none etc. ). And that means I can never enjoy a cold, frothy beer on a crisp fall day w my husband ever again. It sounds so dumb doesn't it. At this point I'm just terrified that my '20s drinking' has really wrecked my liver and even my 'within guidelines' drinking is going to do me in early. I love my kids. I'm a good, responsible mom to them but personally this is driving me crazy and I fear leaving them early bc of something so dumb. Then I tell myself (come fri night after they r in bed) 'what's 2 beers-that's not going to kill me'. But what if it is already. Why can't i b happy w none? thank you for listening. This is my first time ever, to anyone, admitting that I *love* beer AND that I seem to have issues cutting it out completely.
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Old 09-08-2017, 08:54 PM
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Hi Dream!

I hope you are able to quit drinking, because it really makes life much better. Just quit for one day at a time!

Read around and post often. Here's a couple good threads to join:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6600446

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

Last edited by Coldfusion; 09-08-2017 at 08:56 PM. Reason: added links
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Old 09-08-2017, 09:03 PM
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Thank you for the welcome. I hope my rant over a few beers is not offensive to anyone. I think there are all types of addictions and I admit, even when they don't seem that 'big' to others, they can still wreck havoc on the owner. I'm looking forward to meeting some friends and accomplishing more than 1/2 weeks sans brews.
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Old 09-08-2017, 09:18 PM
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Hi and welcome dreamnofredsuns

Your post was honest - nothing to offend there as far as I'm concerned.

I will echo Coldfusion tho - I had no idea how good life (and I ) could be without alcohol.

I thought it would be a life of deprivation boredom and monotony but nothing could be further from the truth - my recovery has been a gift to me

I engage with my life now and the people in it...I have fun times and close meaningful moments with others and I can deal with sad times too...

I prefer that 1 million times over to drinking another beer.

I hope you decide to stick around

D
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Old 09-08-2017, 09:26 PM
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Haha, yes, I'm still battling the immature notion that I'll be 'missing out' on fun if I stop completely. I'll def b making my way around for support.
Thanks, Dee...u appear to b a very busy, interactive supporter to many here. TY, both for the welcome!
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Old 09-08-2017, 10:10 PM
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I thought I'd be 'missing out' too, if I got sober. But the truth is, I was 'missing out' when I was drinking. I was going thru life numb and sick.

My life is so much better sober. I can do anything I want, and do it better.

I wish you could believe how good a life you can have sober. It's worth the effort.
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Old 09-09-2017, 01:40 AM
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Dream,

Welcome. I've been on SR 2 years and your drinking story is similar to many I've read and somewhat like mine.

Imo....you are addicted to booze. You will crave for life.

Analytically deciding to stop, for those that can, is where battle begins.

Medication/maintenance of the addiction is where you are.

After a week or so clean, the booze is out of our bodies and we begin to deal with life clean, but w a brain/body that is recovering, healing, and relearning, for years.

This process is a progressively lessoning stressful, uncomfortable, and horrible time. I still feel stress etc after 2 years recovering.

Hanging around w normies and actives, I had 2 of the most mini slips possible in nearly 900 days. After that time frame, for me, the booze tasted like poison. It tasted like something that was making me sick.

The only reason we ever suffer over and over the consequences of drinking is because it is highly addictive.

Staying stopped and being content is the trick. It has a lot to do w a lack of dopemin. The booze altered this. Time....years....heals this.

I look in the mirror and see an addict....for life.

Thanks.
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Old 09-09-2017, 02:19 AM
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Nice to meet you Dream
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Old 09-09-2017, 02:34 AM
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Welcome! Glad you came to SR and that you shared.

Alcoholism - or alcohol dependence, or whatever you might want to call some kind of unhealthy/controlling relationship you have with alcohol- comes in all different shapes and sizes. The things you mention are flags in line with questions like - is alcohol having a good or bad impact on my life, thoughts, emotions, behavior, etc? Do I worry about it? Etc....some of the things leading up to "has my life become unmanageable? can I stop drinking once I start?" and such- questions many of us lost a LOT before we answered honestly.

Take care - read around here- and don't worry about offending anyone- some responses might end up seeming "harsh" to you but this is a community that wants to support everyone, and see everyone live their own best, healthy - and usually, that means sober- lives.
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Old 09-09-2017, 05:02 AM
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Hi everyone! I was excited to see some responses this AM. I appreciate all your feedback and support.
I guess this is why I'm confused and need clarity and input.
I can stop drinking after one beer (and many times do), I can go a week w/o booze but I don't like that fact that I, for the most part, would always prefer 2 or 3 (or I'll have ONE,5 nights a week. .. this all is me implementing control patterns just so I can justify it) and even in my planned times 'off' I think about how good a beer would be every day. I don't like thinking of it so much.
My dr kind of shrugged me off when I mentioned this and just said 'well drink less', to which I did cut back even more so. But now it's like the less I drink, the more I'm thinking I have an issue lol (bc I think about too much and get excited about 'the weekend for my 3 beers' etc.).
I'll join the sept forum and get through the month. Ty so much everyone. I need tob around like minded people. .. the culture now adays at work and in the neighborhood is still 'work hard, play hard'... while I never'play hard' (that's not denial, I hate being drunk. I love being slightly buzzed... which is still an issue). I see the 'relax w alcohol' aspect everywher
e. I'm just ready for a different aspect. Plus I converted to Christianity about 6 years ago. I know this conviction is so I can have deeper meanings, understanding and relationships in life.
Ty all again.
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Old 09-09-2017, 09:30 AM
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Dream,

I love your relationship w God. Others use a..higher power.

Some call G.O.D....group of drunks. Whatever it takes.

For me, it really was/is God that got/gets me through to this state of Grace.

I thank God everyday and ask for help everyday.

I owe everything to my higher power. Everything. I am His humble servant.

Thanks.
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Old 09-09-2017, 10:28 AM
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Sometimes stopping completely is easier than self-imposed restrictions and quotas.

I tried to moderate for a while but it didn't work.

A few years ago I'd happily drink only 2 or 3 beers in a night and not every night. Nevertheless, I knew there was a problem because it had become a means of escape.

Still, I could go along with it because I was managable or so I thought. Only in hindsight I can see I was already on the slippery slope. The amount of drinking nights soon increased, I'd be doing it when I didn't intend, then the amounts started getting more and more, before I know it I'm drinking 12 pints a night ...

Even still I managed to hold things together, have a job, flat, etc. but I felt like a slave and I knew I was wasting my life, was filled with anger, shame and regret and just wanted for life to be over.

It's easier now that I have faced the fact that I can't moderate. When I'm drinking there's a real fear of sober life, but I don't have that fear now that I'm through the withdrawals. I'm so glad I'm doing this.
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Old 09-09-2017, 01:42 PM
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Ty D122y...He's made a lot of amazing changes in my life overall. I know He wants better for me and is pointing me here. I'm very grateful for that and like the stubborn child I am, of course I go kicking and screaming and trying to prove that 'I got this'. Lol. Meanwhile, it's just exhausting.
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Old 09-09-2017, 01:48 PM
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Welcome, Dreamn!Glad you found us.
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Old 09-09-2017, 01:49 PM
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chiasticslide- yes noticed it would be easier to either not care and 'do my thing', instead of regulate (which would probably end up being 4-5 beers , 5 nights a week which is way too much)
Or, none at all.
I know I have to go with latter.
I just woke up from a nap. I've had 1 beer the entire week and plan on none the rest of the month.
I feel like crap. I wish I felt better. Time will heal. ..
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Old 09-09-2017, 01:58 PM
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Ty, Chloe. happy I had the guts to reach out so I could have more accountability for my goals and hopefully help others down the line.
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Old 09-09-2017, 03:45 PM
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Hi, dream! A life of sobriety for me is so much better in every aspect than when I drank. I tried to moderate, but I would think obsessively and constantly of booze and it is so much easier and far less exhausting to just not drink at all. Wishing you all the best in your sober journey.
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Old 09-09-2017, 04:22 PM
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Hello dreamnofredsuns. You will be in my prayers. I ask people who wonder about their drinking a simple question. Is drinking ruining your life? If the answer is yes, then there are solutions to be had. I read your posts a few times and noticed that you went to your doctor and he shrugged off your worries that you get pain near your liver when you drink even a beer. Of course I am about to give you advice, so stop here if it is not welcome. It has been my experience that many doctors still do not understand, or really believe in alcoholism. You may want to go get your liver tested to be sure it is healthy. There a many different tests, and levels of testing. You could start small, and go big if you feel the need. Please do not let anyone tell you that you don't drink enough to harm yourself. It does not matter how much, when, why, et.... It only matters if you think it does.
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Old 09-09-2017, 06:07 PM
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Ty, Verdantia and Screen!
I did go get LFTs and blood work done. Everything was normal, however ALT and AST were on the higher ends of normal, as expected. I also have read tons of stories of normal LFT checks only to face devastating health conditions later. So the wayi see it is to give my body the best chance possible from here out.
I feel a lot more optimistic tonight so ty everyone. Bypassed all the neighborhood football gatherings. .. exercised and family movie night
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Old 09-09-2017, 06:12 PM
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And to another point someone else mentioned. ..I do seem to obsess (negatively) over my health when alcohol is in my life. When it's removed for an extended time, mentally, I'm MUCH more positive and less anxious (makes sense bc I'm not harming myself anymore). I'm just praying this time around, I'll be more serious about keeping it out of my life for good!
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