Newbie -Dating a recovering alcoholic
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Newbie -Dating a recovering alcoholic
Hi everyone - this is my first time on this forum. I'm not sure where to post, but I figured this was as good a place as any. I recently met a guy who seems wonderful. He is on my bodybuilding team and I knew right away that he was in recovery. He has been sober 3 years now. We are both separated from our spouses/proceeding with divorce and have young children. In our state you have to wait 12 months before divorce can be finalized.
Anyway, it started out casual, and soon we discovered we had a lot of common interests. There was also a definite physical attraction on both sides. He really seemed to have it all together. We eventually kissed and it was amazing. Thats as far as the physical aspect went, although we both were interested in much more. lol
Fast forward a few weeks...everything seemed to be going fine... I thought. We were supposed to meet late tonight to spend time together and talk and then he texted me this morning saying that my most recent email had stirred some emotions in him, realizing that he wasn't ready to be involved romantically yet. We had been sharing a lot about each other, really trying to get to know each other....I had written an email about how "intimacy" is something I do not take lightly and that I would need to know that he was "serious" about me before we ever took that step. Almost 2 weeks had gone by since I wrote this.
Anyway, I do respect what he said about needing more time and that he needed to focus on his recovery. He mentioned his relationship (marriage) had been hard and that his kids were not ready for a new relationship either. He said that the physical was something that he cherished as well, and that for both our sakes, he was going to have to step back.
He added that he would like to be friends but that he could see himself with me some day, just not now. He said I had caught him by "surprise" and he had not expected to develop feelings for someone just yet.
As you can imagine, I was a bit surprised because things seemed to be going smoothly. I had asked on a few occasions if things were "ok", because I had read up a bit on relationships after recovery. He insisted everything was fine, and that I would be the first to know if anything was wrong.
So I guess my question is what does this really mean? I have read that an addict's recovery/sobriety must come first, and that it can be difficult. I see this now. But is this really what is going on here? Am I jeopardizing him by remaining friends? I can definitely back down from the physical aspect, but I feel like I upset his balance somehow. He mentioned yesterday that he had been very anxious and that this was unusual for him. In the back of my mind I wondered if it was "us"....I questioned him, but he said no, he was just under a lot of stress and exhausted.
I really like this guy, and he seems to have his $hit together more than most guys I've known. He is very transparent about his feelings, at least I think so. Many people who have posted about being in relationships with people in recovery say they regret it and that you should run far and fast. I'm struggling with that because this guys seems to genuinely be a good guy just trying to make the best of each day....
Any thoughts, advice would be appreciated.
Anyway, it started out casual, and soon we discovered we had a lot of common interests. There was also a definite physical attraction on both sides. He really seemed to have it all together. We eventually kissed and it was amazing. Thats as far as the physical aspect went, although we both were interested in much more. lol
Fast forward a few weeks...everything seemed to be going fine... I thought. We were supposed to meet late tonight to spend time together and talk and then he texted me this morning saying that my most recent email had stirred some emotions in him, realizing that he wasn't ready to be involved romantically yet. We had been sharing a lot about each other, really trying to get to know each other....I had written an email about how "intimacy" is something I do not take lightly and that I would need to know that he was "serious" about me before we ever took that step. Almost 2 weeks had gone by since I wrote this.
Anyway, I do respect what he said about needing more time and that he needed to focus on his recovery. He mentioned his relationship (marriage) had been hard and that his kids were not ready for a new relationship either. He said that the physical was something that he cherished as well, and that for both our sakes, he was going to have to step back.
He added that he would like to be friends but that he could see himself with me some day, just not now. He said I had caught him by "surprise" and he had not expected to develop feelings for someone just yet.
As you can imagine, I was a bit surprised because things seemed to be going smoothly. I had asked on a few occasions if things were "ok", because I had read up a bit on relationships after recovery. He insisted everything was fine, and that I would be the first to know if anything was wrong.
So I guess my question is what does this really mean? I have read that an addict's recovery/sobriety must come first, and that it can be difficult. I see this now. But is this really what is going on here? Am I jeopardizing him by remaining friends? I can definitely back down from the physical aspect, but I feel like I upset his balance somehow. He mentioned yesterday that he had been very anxious and that this was unusual for him. In the back of my mind I wondered if it was "us"....I questioned him, but he said no, he was just under a lot of stress and exhausted.
I really like this guy, and he seems to have his $hit together more than most guys I've known. He is very transparent about his feelings, at least I think so. Many people who have posted about being in relationships with people in recovery say they regret it and that you should run far and fast. I'm struggling with that because this guys seems to genuinely be a good guy just trying to make the best of each day....
Any thoughts, advice would be appreciated.
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Hi and Welcome,
After reading your post, I think it just means, he isn't ready to get involved yet. Perhaps when he started talking to you he didn't realize this, but as you got more involved, he senses that he's not ready and his kids are not ready. I'm not sure it has anything to do with alcoholism or maybe he just isn't ready in that he isn't divorced yet.
I think it's up to you as to whether you want to continue being friends with him at this point. How do you feel about that?
After reading your post, I think it just means, he isn't ready to get involved yet. Perhaps when he started talking to you he didn't realize this, but as you got more involved, he senses that he's not ready and his kids are not ready. I'm not sure it has anything to do with alcoholism or maybe he just isn't ready in that he isn't divorced yet.
I think it's up to you as to whether you want to continue being friends with him at this point. How do you feel about that?
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
He has been sober 3 years. Seems like that is a side piece of this.
He is still in the midst of the divorce. There are kids involved. He is pre-occupied with this issue. I think you are lucky he is open enough to tell you he wants to put the brakes on if this needs to be serious. I do not think he is ready for serious. I kniw when I divorced, serious was far from my mind. just my opinion.
no, do not be friends, you do not want him as a friend. why torture yourself. he has your number, go live your life. if it is meant to be, he will look you up when he is ready.
He is still in the midst of the divorce. There are kids involved. He is pre-occupied with this issue. I think you are lucky he is open enough to tell you he wants to put the brakes on if this needs to be serious. I do not think he is ready for serious. I kniw when I divorced, serious was far from my mind. just my opinion.
no, do not be friends, you do not want him as a friend. why torture yourself. he has your number, go live your life. if it is meant to be, he will look you up when he is ready.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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thank you - I guess I just see something different in him and he said the same about me. Something positive in that he has come from a place of darkness and does not seem to judge. He said he still needs to focus on his recovery, so that's why I said what I did. Realistically neither one of us is probably ready for anything serious, but I wasn't sure if that was what was really going on here. I have read that "falling for someone" supplies the same kind of feeling that he might have received from alcohol or drugs...and perhaps that is what is keeping him from pursuing this...I don't know. I'm really ignorant about all of this. I just know that he was refreshingly different, even his blunt honesty
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I wonder if you're trying to make this about his alcoholism, when maybe it's just about his marital status and his kids. I don't sense that this is about alcoholism. 3 years of recovery is significant and he must know what he's doing recovery-wise to have achieved that. However, maybe a new relationship is more than he's ready to take on right now, and it's good that he was upfront about it. I'm sorry that you are hurting.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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No - I don't think so..I'm only communicating what he said to me....that he is not ready for a romantic relationship because he feels he still carries a lot of self-loathing and that it's all complicated by his addiction.
I read through a lot of other posts, and it sounds like this is very common. This strong attraction, the feeling of something "special" and then bam....gone.
I think that an individual in recovery is very different than the average Joe, and that is what attracts us so strongly. They are very in touch with their emotions when they are actively doing recovering, and that can be so refreshing to someone. But perhaps we don't realize how fragile it really is...I don't know.
I don't think of myself as a codependent, but I can definitely empathize. As much as I would like to think this could work, I will be the first one to abandon it if I see it will bring me more suffering. I was just trying to understand why he feels the way he feels...that's all.
I read through a lot of other posts, and it sounds like this is very common. This strong attraction, the feeling of something "special" and then bam....gone.
I think that an individual in recovery is very different than the average Joe, and that is what attracts us so strongly. They are very in touch with their emotions when they are actively doing recovering, and that can be so refreshing to someone. But perhaps we don't realize how fragile it really is...I don't know.
I don't think of myself as a codependent, but I can definitely empathize. As much as I would like to think this could work, I will be the first one to abandon it if I see it will bring me more suffering. I was just trying to understand why he feels the way he feels...that's all.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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You know, in regular world, this could just be a case of "he is just not that into you."
His recovery, his divorce, his kids...could all be part of it. But maybe also he just wants to play the field right now.
Take him at his word, yes? There's a saying around here..."when someone tells you who they are, believe them."
You know you're too smart to try to force something that he says he doesn't want.
File him under, "oh, well" and move on?
Sending you a hug.
His recovery, his divorce, his kids...could all be part of it. But maybe also he just wants to play the field right now.
Take him at his word, yes? There's a saying around here..."when someone tells you who they are, believe them."
You know you're too smart to try to force something that he says he doesn't want.
File him under, "oh, well" and move on?
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry if all this has left you feling kind of side-swiped.
I would say that he took a while to think about things before writing to you and it's likely that he did a fair amount of self-reflection. He has said he is happy to remain friends but isn't in a place where he can make promises. I would just believe that he means what he says in that letter. He may not undertand why he feels it himself. In AA we are encouraged to ...
..'focus on doing the next best thing' - for him at the moment that is likely clearing the wreckage of his past and focussing on his amends to his family. Chances are that will mean being emotionally available for them and putting them first.
...'take one day at a time' - I know my sponsor would be telling me to be honest about how things are now and not get a head full of maybes about how anyone might be feeling in 6 months or a year. Today is complicated enough, without bringing yesterday and tomorrow into it.
I know so many people who struggle with their current relationships in the rooms. And a lot who have just decided that they're not getting into them full stop - especially men it would seem, but some women as well. I know if I was single again I'd be very reluctant to get into all that. No matter how lovely the other person is. Perhaps he caught himself metally acting out and letting lust drive his thoughts / motives rather than respectful thoughts. I have found it worrying when that happens as it feels like the old perspetive sneaking back in and I never want to be that person again. Ever. Obviously I can only offer my own experiences and those of people who shared with or advised me personally.
If you're on the same team for whatever, hopefully any awkwardness will pass quickly. Be friends if you can do so without letting your mind get caught up in maybe-and-perhaps. I don't know about you, but as someone in recovery (3.5 years) those things and bit of wishful thinking can be like little seeds of secret resentment and disappointment for me. It sounds like you had a lot of fun and get on, but its certainly not a good idea to pin any hopes on him for the future.
It certainly doesn't sound like you did, said or wrote anything wrong. All you can do is accept that you're unlikely ever to understand exactly what's going on in his head and move on.
Aside of trying to figure out how HE is feeling, how are YOU feeling?
All you can do is focus on yourself now. Moving on and learning from the experience. It might be worth reading around on the 'Friends and Family' area if you have not yet done so - their perspective might be useful as well.
*hugs*
BB
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (or people) I cannot change,
The courage to change the things (people) I can (only ever ourselves),
And the wisdom to know the difference .
I would say that he took a while to think about things before writing to you and it's likely that he did a fair amount of self-reflection. He has said he is happy to remain friends but isn't in a place where he can make promises. I would just believe that he means what he says in that letter. He may not undertand why he feels it himself. In AA we are encouraged to ...
..'focus on doing the next best thing' - for him at the moment that is likely clearing the wreckage of his past and focussing on his amends to his family. Chances are that will mean being emotionally available for them and putting them first.
...'take one day at a time' - I know my sponsor would be telling me to be honest about how things are now and not get a head full of maybes about how anyone might be feeling in 6 months or a year. Today is complicated enough, without bringing yesterday and tomorrow into it.
I know so many people who struggle with their current relationships in the rooms. And a lot who have just decided that they're not getting into them full stop - especially men it would seem, but some women as well. I know if I was single again I'd be very reluctant to get into all that. No matter how lovely the other person is. Perhaps he caught himself metally acting out and letting lust drive his thoughts / motives rather than respectful thoughts. I have found it worrying when that happens as it feels like the old perspetive sneaking back in and I never want to be that person again. Ever. Obviously I can only offer my own experiences and those of people who shared with or advised me personally.
If you're on the same team for whatever, hopefully any awkwardness will pass quickly. Be friends if you can do so without letting your mind get caught up in maybe-and-perhaps. I don't know about you, but as someone in recovery (3.5 years) those things and bit of wishful thinking can be like little seeds of secret resentment and disappointment for me. It sounds like you had a lot of fun and get on, but its certainly not a good idea to pin any hopes on him for the future.
It certainly doesn't sound like you did, said or wrote anything wrong. All you can do is accept that you're unlikely ever to understand exactly what's going on in his head and move on.
Aside of trying to figure out how HE is feeling, how are YOU feeling?
All you can do is focus on yourself now. Moving on and learning from the experience. It might be worth reading around on the 'Friends and Family' area if you have not yet done so - their perspective might be useful as well.
*hugs*
BB
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (or people) I cannot change,
The courage to change the things (people) I can (only ever ourselves),
And the wisdom to know the difference .
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 6
Thank you for your insight. I think what I'm struggling with is that he seemed REALLY into me, like REALLY into me. We were talking about things and sharing things that I wouldn't normally share. He even told me that he felt like he had known me forever and found it very easy to share his past with me.
What I found interesting that you said was how the "old creeped in".....and that this scares you. There were definitely some "fantasies" of his that were exchanged through texts, but I can't say that it was any different from any other guy I might have dated. He kept telling me how he imagined being with me...
Perhaps he felt he was falling into an old pattern? You mentioned lust and wrong motives....
I feel hurt because he made me feel "safe" around him and I opened up to him. He told me how he really wanted to learn more about me and who I was....and so I shared. Really deep, emotional things.....I made myself vulnerable and now I feel like I was slapped in the face. Maybe I'm just stupid, I don't know, but I really felt like I could trust him and now I ask myself why I did.
He was very apologetic yesterday and said that his body and thoughts were feeling one way, but his mind was telling him to slow down because he thought he was ready but he's not.
Oh well...nothing I can do about it now. Just stings.
What I found interesting that you said was how the "old creeped in".....and that this scares you. There were definitely some "fantasies" of his that were exchanged through texts, but I can't say that it was any different from any other guy I might have dated. He kept telling me how he imagined being with me...
Perhaps he felt he was falling into an old pattern? You mentioned lust and wrong motives....
I feel hurt because he made me feel "safe" around him and I opened up to him. He told me how he really wanted to learn more about me and who I was....and so I shared. Really deep, emotional things.....I made myself vulnerable and now I feel like I was slapped in the face. Maybe I'm just stupid, I don't know, but I really felt like I could trust him and now I ask myself why I did.
He was very apologetic yesterday and said that his body and thoughts were feeling one way, but his mind was telling him to slow down because he thought he was ready but he's not.
Oh well...nothing I can do about it now. Just stings.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
I'm sure it does sting. The only thing that will help that is time.
Seeing as both of you are going through such major upheaval, don't you think that perhaps this was just a distraction from both of your HUGE life changes?
In my still very early sobriety I am realizing I am not over nor through a lot of things I buried while drinking.
Heal yourself, take your time and be glad that he was so honest. You could have been far more hurt!
Glass half full.
If it's meant to be, it will be. Focus on you.
GL,
Jules
Seeing as both of you are going through such major upheaval, don't you think that perhaps this was just a distraction from both of your HUGE life changes?
In my still very early sobriety I am realizing I am not over nor through a lot of things I buried while drinking.
Heal yourself, take your time and be glad that he was so honest. You could have been far more hurt!
Glass half full.
If it's meant to be, it will be. Focus on you.
GL,
Jules
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
It sounds like you both shared deep emotional things. I suppose one difference might be that, for you, this is unusual and feels unsafe. For many folk in AA this is more 'normal' now (although it likely wasn't in the past) just because sharing thoughts and feelings is something we get used to doing - when I first came into the rooms of AA I was absolutely astounded with the honesty people share with in a group, and of course, in smaller groups or one to one that is eve more so. Chances are that he would not have necessarily understood what a big deal and place of percieved vulnerability this put you in. But you know, as an AAer he is likely to value confidentiality and keep whatever you said to himself. He is also very unlikely to judge. I hope that puts your mind at rest a little.
As others have said, of course it stings a little. But it seems very likely that, as he said, it is to do with the fact that he hasn't got the emotional energy or stability needed to enter into a relationship just now. Perhaps he has realised that he just doesn't have much to offer anyone at this stage, being distracted by divorce proceedings, family committments and the like. I agree that its best that this was stopped sooner rather than later and that it was responsible of him, as he could have hurt you a lot more by carrying things on if he cannot commit or be emotionally available for a partner right now.
Perhaps that emotional sharing did some good in other ways though (talking things through or an opportunity to reflect on something necessary for you somehow, or a chance to learn something important from HIS experiences that will stand you in good stead later on. ) Usually there is some purpose or learning to be found in encounters that touch us in some meaningful way - no doubt all will be revealed in time (God's time, not ours necessarily!)
Take care.
BB x
As others have said, of course it stings a little. But it seems very likely that, as he said, it is to do with the fact that he hasn't got the emotional energy or stability needed to enter into a relationship just now. Perhaps he has realised that he just doesn't have much to offer anyone at this stage, being distracted by divorce proceedings, family committments and the like. I agree that its best that this was stopped sooner rather than later and that it was responsible of him, as he could have hurt you a lot more by carrying things on if he cannot commit or be emotionally available for a partner right now.
Perhaps that emotional sharing did some good in other ways though (talking things through or an opportunity to reflect on something necessary for you somehow, or a chance to learn something important from HIS experiences that will stand you in good stead later on. ) Usually there is some purpose or learning to be found in encounters that touch us in some meaningful way - no doubt all will be revealed in time (God's time, not ours necessarily!)
Take care.
BB x
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 6
Thank you for the answers. First of all, no I don't think this was just a distraction from what is going on. Both of us have been in the separation process for quite some time now...we are required to wait 12 months before we can file for divorce in our state. Both of us had been "separated" from our spouses for 10, then moved back together for a month and are now apart again...for me it has been over a year since I had any physical contact with my spouse.
What you said about making myself emotionally vulnerable hit the nail on the head. I am not used to doing this and it is very difficult for me. Mainly because everytime I have done it in the past I got screwed. LOL And that's how I felt this time. Yes, for him it seemed to come very easily and naturally, so perhaps that is from all of his searching done in recovery/AA.
I think it is hard for to understand how he could go from saying he has feelings for me, feels like he has known me for a long time, had dated a few other people a while ago but wasn't ready like he was now....and then up and close the door. Although we only kissed, he would share with me about the other things that he would like to do...lol. He kept saying how he wanted to learn more about me, who I am, what made me tick. This to me made me feel like he was genuinely interested in who I am as a person. Everyday he would check in on me and ask how I was, how my day was going, etc... He seemed to good to be true.
And because I am not in recovery and cannot possibly understand what he has been through or is going through, but I didn't want to be shut out. I do appreciate his honesty, but I wish he had said something earlier. There were plenty of opportunities and I asked more than once if everything was ok. He always told me that I would be the first to know and that keeping secrets isn't how he rolled. When he finally came out and told me that he was emotionally ready and that he had felt himself holding back, I was confused because that wasn't how he acted when he talked to me or was around me.
So I guess I will just be patient for now and when my patience runs out I will just let him go completely. I would really value a person with such transparency though - its something that I have never experienced before. It's scary to share yourself like that with someone and now I will be hesitant to do it again because I feel like it backfired.
What you said about making myself emotionally vulnerable hit the nail on the head. I am not used to doing this and it is very difficult for me. Mainly because everytime I have done it in the past I got screwed. LOL And that's how I felt this time. Yes, for him it seemed to come very easily and naturally, so perhaps that is from all of his searching done in recovery/AA.
I think it is hard for to understand how he could go from saying he has feelings for me, feels like he has known me for a long time, had dated a few other people a while ago but wasn't ready like he was now....and then up and close the door. Although we only kissed, he would share with me about the other things that he would like to do...lol. He kept saying how he wanted to learn more about me, who I am, what made me tick. This to me made me feel like he was genuinely interested in who I am as a person. Everyday he would check in on me and ask how I was, how my day was going, etc... He seemed to good to be true.
And because I am not in recovery and cannot possibly understand what he has been through or is going through, but I didn't want to be shut out. I do appreciate his honesty, but I wish he had said something earlier. There were plenty of opportunities and I asked more than once if everything was ok. He always told me that I would be the first to know and that keeping secrets isn't how he rolled. When he finally came out and told me that he was emotionally ready and that he had felt himself holding back, I was confused because that wasn't how he acted when he talked to me or was around me.
So I guess I will just be patient for now and when my patience runs out I will just let him go completely. I would really value a person with such transparency though - its something that I have never experienced before. It's scary to share yourself like that with someone and now I will be hesitant to do it again because I feel like it backfired.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Hi shebleeved -
Welcome to SR. Several posters have take the time to answer you, but I'm not sure that you're hearing them. I urge you to accept the situation as he's told you at face value and leave it at that.
No need to analyze anymore, ball is in your court, decide what is the right decision for you to go forward, and execute.
FWIW, recovery starts with accepting the situation that you are in, and taking responsibility for it. Conversely, as someone in recovery, I could not see myself dating anyone who is unwilling to accept that my need for space to heal myself is real and valid.
Sure, you have every right to feel disappointed and all of the emotions that come up. You can accept and own these emotions too.
In all honesty, you may get further by following his lead by focusing on your own healing in this transition and that isn't likely to happen if you are focusing on another person. I can see that you are hurting from this episode. Please take good care of yourself and invest in you! You're worth it!
Welcome to SR. Several posters have take the time to answer you, but I'm not sure that you're hearing them. I urge you to accept the situation as he's told you at face value and leave it at that.
No need to analyze anymore, ball is in your court, decide what is the right decision for you to go forward, and execute.
FWIW, recovery starts with accepting the situation that you are in, and taking responsibility for it. Conversely, as someone in recovery, I could not see myself dating anyone who is unwilling to accept that my need for space to heal myself is real and valid.
Sure, you have every right to feel disappointed and all of the emotions that come up. You can accept and own these emotions too.
In all honesty, you may get further by following his lead by focusing on your own healing in this transition and that isn't likely to happen if you are focusing on another person. I can see that you are hurting from this episode. Please take good care of yourself and invest in you! You're worth it!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 40
I think you're making it sound like this is about his recovery, when it's really about the relationship between you two.
That being said, nobody here can advise you on that, because this isn't a relationship forum and nobody is a part of your relationship except you.
I also have a gut feeling that you might be a bit too attached to this guy and are now looking for a way to get into his psyche, or find a way to manipulate him back to your corner. I have seen this scenario play out on too many self-help type boards to remember. From psychological disorder boards to addiction networks, someone is always asking about how a person thinks/feels/acts and projecting it onto their own personal relationships, with the intent to have the upper hand when it comes to interacting and dealing with said person. That may or may not be the case here, and if it isn't then consider the fact that he's a person, not an alcoholic. He's got a completely unique set of characteristics, personality, beliefs, experiences, hopes, dreams, and so forth from every other human being--so there isn't going to be any way to figure out what he is thinking based on any single shared, common malady that he might have with members posting here.
That being said, nobody here can advise you on that, because this isn't a relationship forum and nobody is a part of your relationship except you.
I also have a gut feeling that you might be a bit too attached to this guy and are now looking for a way to get into his psyche, or find a way to manipulate him back to your corner. I have seen this scenario play out on too many self-help type boards to remember. From psychological disorder boards to addiction networks, someone is always asking about how a person thinks/feels/acts and projecting it onto their own personal relationships, with the intent to have the upper hand when it comes to interacting and dealing with said person. That may or may not be the case here, and if it isn't then consider the fact that he's a person, not an alcoholic. He's got a completely unique set of characteristics, personality, beliefs, experiences, hopes, dreams, and so forth from every other human being--so there isn't going to be any way to figure out what he is thinking based on any single shared, common malady that he might have with members posting here.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
I think he still is not over his ex wife and is looking for someone or something to soothe him. He may have told you deep, nice things, but I'm guessing he wants something not that serious that will get his needs met now being single and alone, yet nothing more than this since he still loves his wife and family.
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