Dee74

I'm reposting this.

This is the newcomers forum....
It's meant to be a welcome, safe, nurturing place.

Lately I've been dismayed by the responses some brand new members are getting - sometimes it's like smack down city out there.

I remember what it was like for me when I first came here - I was scared, I was skittish, and I was acting ultra-cool downplaying my problems and my fear like mad.

I'm really glad the people who responded to me realised that and didn't smack me into next week.

Straight talking is fine....but you can get some empathy and compassion - and some of your own experience - in there too.

If we drive people away - the very people who need our help and advice - are we really helping?

D
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Anna

Thank you so much for posting this, Dee.

I am so upset when I see members 'call-out' other members or try to beat something into them - thinking tough-love is the only thing to offer. I was devastated when I stopped drinking. I couldn't have felt any lower or worse about myself. I didn't know what to do or how to move forward and fix the messes in my life. Thank goodness that I happened to find some truly wonderful people here and wasn't faced with rude responses.

If you are offering tough-love, please offer it with respect and compassion.

Obladi

Thanks, Dee.

Giving this a thumbs up and a bump.

O

MissOverIt

So well said. Thank you.

Delilah1

Thank you for posting this Dee. I always try to comment on a few newcomer threads with a positive, welcoming message, because I remember how hard it was to find myself on here for the first time, and also finding myself back here before I was able to get completely sober.

There are people logging on who are hanging by a thread, and they turn to this site to try to start piecing their life together, and that is something that anyone commenting on a Newcomers post should remember.

Have a great weekend everyone.

❤️Delilah

Soberwolf

Bumping

hpdw

Thanks Dee , I was looking at some reponses around here and found a certian smugness ,maybe it was meant with the best of intentions but I felt uncomfortable with some .

Dee74

Getting a bump today.

D

JustTony

I'm pleased to see this thread for the first time.

As a relative newcomer I would say that 95% of people on here are extremely supportive and understanding - to the point that you can literally feel the genuine compassion (almost love) pouring through the screen in front of you. Now I am British (with that stiff upper lip old boy) so that is really something coming from someone like me!

But (there is always a but isn't there?) a small minority can be a little too smug and almost condescending. I don't mind tough love when it is called for - but sometimes it seems to almost reek of a kind of bitterness from one or two people - like if you don't subscribe to their methodology of recovery then you're heading for failure (not what you really want to read to be honest). I sometimes actually wonder what one or two of these people are doing in the newcomer forum as:

a) they aren't new
b) they don't want to seem to help (just preach)

Like I say SR is literally FULL of amazing and supportive people from the Mods to the every day regular members. I feel a real sense of community here and genuine good will. I just wish the tiny minority would be slightly less zealous and try and remember how bruising the first few weeks of recovery can be.

Regards,

JT

SimplyFree

I remember my first post....ashamed, beat down, felt hopeless. But when people started sharing, just the understanding was refreshing and gave me the courage to try and beat this nasty thief out of my life. 8 months later, I’m still very grateful to all those who stood me back up. Thanks SR members! And Dee and Anna too.

tealily

Same. This place has been what made the difference for me. Being welcomed with compassion .. and being understood .. realizing I wasn't alone, that if others could conquer this, I could too.. is what made me turn the corner, FINALLY. Without that compassionate, kind response, it may not have happened at all.

I often go back and read my first post and the replies. It was like I was throwing out a life line. If people hadn't grabbed on, I would've just kept sinking.

SoulShine8

Ditto on each of these ..... I am still in that barely hanging on stage even though I have some sober time. I do remember the first times I was just blindly posting, reaching out for anyone and anything. I was in such a bad shape. Thank God for the people who took the time to reach back and grab hold. And thank God for the ones that keep on being there. One of my most important sober goals is to be able to be one of those people one day - to pay it forward.

I read the brand new people posts and I respond to the ones that resonate with me when I think I can add something to their recovery. I also try to at least put a welcome to SR or hi to the ones where I think that person so desperately needs to know that they aren't alone. You can often tell when someone puts out that first post - that after so much hell they have finally spoke up and stepped out of the shadows .... sometimes the courage to do so is very hard. You never know what circumstances they maybe in and I also think that one can never know how much it might mean to someone just to get a friendly hi or welcome to SR... it could mean their life, it could mean a new life.

Thanks to Dee and Anna (and other mods and older members who positively affect this place) - I am grateful for your presence. You will never know what impact you have made, but please know you have.


And thank you for placing such a thoughtful reminder. I have seen a few posts that have made me feel bad and I've been able to go on and let go. But if I was that newcomer, all shaky and unsure of where or if I fit it might have had a different effect. I want to continue coming to this warm, peaceful community but I also want to be a part of what makes it that way.

SoberLeigh

Thank you.

Dee74

Just bumping this as a reminder.

We all want everyone here to recover and be happy. Sometimes its frustrating when folks won't do what we want them to

Tough love is all very well - but there needs to be a prior relationship and an understanding of the context of a persons recovery journey for tough love to be effective...otherwise we're all just shouty people on the internet.



D

LadyBlue0527

Before I responded to a post what I used to find helpful was to sit and reflect on what it was like for me when I first came here. Where my head was at.

We certainly aren't all at the same exact point with our usage.

You can't beat nor love someone into sobriety but you sure can extend a friendly hand hoping they'll take hold.

Dee74

Thanks LB

D