New and Need Support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
New and Need Support
This is my first post here. I have been doing lots of reading on here and everywhere. I am also most of the way through codependent no more. I appreciate everyones stories and experience it has been very comforting to know that my feelings are normal. I also am no stranger to Al-Anon as my first husband when I was very young was in recovery for drugs when we met, so I attended for a couple years. That long since ended and I had gone on to other relationships without addiction issues. This is my current situation:
I have been with the A in my life for almost 2 years now. We live together and he has a 16 year old daughter that lives with us full time. When we first got together everything was so new and fun. Early on there were red flags that I chose to ignore. Before I moved in he would bring me lunch at work and show up smelling of alcohol from going out the night before. I tried to rationalize because he had just moved back to town and was hanging out with old buddies. Then we moved in together and when I would have to work and he didn't he would wait till I went to bed and then go out to the bar and get drunk and stumble in after last call. Right away I told him that would not fly and so that stopped. He still continued to drink everyday and most days a lot. Generally "just beer" but on weekends the whisky would come out.
Most of the time he is a very happy drunk and in the beginning I can see he really tried controlling his drinking especially during the work week. I mentioned he recently moved here when we met. A year prior to his move he got a DUI and several months later got his 3rd divorce. He usually is responsible about using Uber when he drinks, until more recently. Also the drinking has picked up significantly, along with this a very ugly, unloving, uncaring side has come out.
There have been a couple times in the last few months where I stayed at my house because (my Mom lives there too) for a few nights, just to get away from the sloppiness. I have had his teen daughter call me crying because he's passed out drunk and she can't rouse him. He is 40 and I'm a year younger. He spends a lot of time at the neighbors house they are a couple in their 20's that always have people over in the garage drinking and smoking(which I also detest). He quit smoking soon after we got together as that was a deal breaker for me. Recently I found out he's been sneaking cigarettes here and there most of that time. The stories can go on.
I gave an ultimatum a couple weeks ago and he reluctantly agreed to quit after a BBQ that is supposed to happen this weekend. Then a couple days later said he would stop drinking but not "indefinitely"In the meantime, he has been drinking more. Not even bothering to hide his smoking. We got in a fight 3 days ago and he has said not one word to me since. I have not either because I am always the one to start a conversation or apologize and I refuse to do that anymore. I can't wait till Sunday to see if he really does it. Frankly I don't care anymore. He has shown me Im not that important. I rented a truck and got friends helping me move tomorrow. He doesn't know, and I am going to do it when he is at work.
I know its what I need to do. I feel so angry and sad. It makes me question if he ever loved me. Im sad for the loss of hopes I had for this relationship. Angry that I accepted so little for so long. Thank you for reading
I have been with the A in my life for almost 2 years now. We live together and he has a 16 year old daughter that lives with us full time. When we first got together everything was so new and fun. Early on there were red flags that I chose to ignore. Before I moved in he would bring me lunch at work and show up smelling of alcohol from going out the night before. I tried to rationalize because he had just moved back to town and was hanging out with old buddies. Then we moved in together and when I would have to work and he didn't he would wait till I went to bed and then go out to the bar and get drunk and stumble in after last call. Right away I told him that would not fly and so that stopped. He still continued to drink everyday and most days a lot. Generally "just beer" but on weekends the whisky would come out.
Most of the time he is a very happy drunk and in the beginning I can see he really tried controlling his drinking especially during the work week. I mentioned he recently moved here when we met. A year prior to his move he got a DUI and several months later got his 3rd divorce. He usually is responsible about using Uber when he drinks, until more recently. Also the drinking has picked up significantly, along with this a very ugly, unloving, uncaring side has come out.
There have been a couple times in the last few months where I stayed at my house because (my Mom lives there too) for a few nights, just to get away from the sloppiness. I have had his teen daughter call me crying because he's passed out drunk and she can't rouse him. He is 40 and I'm a year younger. He spends a lot of time at the neighbors house they are a couple in their 20's that always have people over in the garage drinking and smoking(which I also detest). He quit smoking soon after we got together as that was a deal breaker for me. Recently I found out he's been sneaking cigarettes here and there most of that time. The stories can go on.
I gave an ultimatum a couple weeks ago and he reluctantly agreed to quit after a BBQ that is supposed to happen this weekend. Then a couple days later said he would stop drinking but not "indefinitely"In the meantime, he has been drinking more. Not even bothering to hide his smoking. We got in a fight 3 days ago and he has said not one word to me since. I have not either because I am always the one to start a conversation or apologize and I refuse to do that anymore. I can't wait till Sunday to see if he really does it. Frankly I don't care anymore. He has shown me Im not that important. I rented a truck and got friends helping me move tomorrow. He doesn't know, and I am going to do it when he is at work.
I know its what I need to do. I feel so angry and sad. It makes me question if he ever loved me. Im sad for the loss of hopes I had for this relationship. Angry that I accepted so little for so long. Thank you for reading
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a big hug.
Three divorces says a lot, yes? What I hope it tells you most clearly is that none of this was you. He's a person with long-term, entrenched problems that love from others can't fix.
You're doing the right thing...but that doesn't make it easy.
Be kind to yourself, yes?
Three divorces says a lot, yes? What I hope it tells you most clearly is that none of this was you. He's a person with long-term, entrenched problems that love from others can't fix.
You're doing the right thing...but that doesn't make it easy.
Be kind to yourself, yes?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Cali.
Welcome.
You will find lots of support here.
Yah, your SO seems to have a problem with alcohol.
Truly smart to get away, but hard, I know.
I hope that you can be there for his daughter, if that works?
She needs as much support as possible right now.
Good thoughts. Keep coming back.
Welcome.
You will find lots of support here.
Yah, your SO seems to have a problem with alcohol.
Truly smart to get away, but hard, I know.
I hope that you can be there for his daughter, if that works?
She needs as much support as possible right now.
Good thoughts. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am SO sorry for what brings you here.
I hope my comments don't come across as insensitive, but:
You only have 2 years invested. Cut your losses and move on.
As you stated you have done a "lot of reading" on this site, you probably have seen others post about 15 years, 25 years, 34 years, etc.... You and your friend are still very young. He is apparently drinking his life away at only 40 years old.
If you want to end up older like many of us with a very dysfunctional relationship, then stay.
Again, I am sorry to be so blunt.
I hope my comments don't come across as insensitive, but:
You only have 2 years invested. Cut your losses and move on.
As you stated you have done a "lot of reading" on this site, you probably have seen others post about 15 years, 25 years, 34 years, etc.... You and your friend are still very young. He is apparently drinking his life away at only 40 years old.
If you want to end up older like many of us with a very dysfunctional relationship, then stay.
Again, I am sorry to be so blunt.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CaliDreamer.....you are doing the right thing.
How about going to an alanon meeting?
I am giving you a link to our "library" of excellent article on alcoholism and the effects on the loved one...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
I hope that you will look at them and read the ones that appeal to you.....
I think that a lot will resonate with you.....
Good that you are reading Co-dependent no more.....
There are workbooks, for it, also.....
How about going to an alanon meeting?
I am giving you a link to our "library" of excellent article on alcoholism and the effects on the loved one...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
I hope that you will look at them and read the ones that appeal to you.....
I think that a lot will resonate with you.....
Good that you are reading Co-dependent no more.....
There are workbooks, for it, also.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate all input and welcome your honesty. Today was my moving out day and it's been tough. The finality of doing what I needed to do hit me hard after walking out that door today. Dandy I continue to read through those threads in your link and they have been helping. Just going between anger and sadness right now. The thing I'm struggling with most is the feeling he picked the alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Cali,
You did the right thing. I'm sorry be out you in that position, but he's too far gone at the moment to be a partner to you.
I hope perhaps my experience can help you with your feeling he "chose" alcohol over you. As the alcoholic in my relationship (gratefully sober), I definitely see how it seemed that way from my partners side. The reality: I hated alcohol for at least the last two years of my active addiction. I hated alcohol, I hated what it was doing to our relationship, to my partner, to me. Yet every time I tried to quit, the fear, panic, complete lack of understanding that there was another way... caused me to pick up again. It was not a lack of love for my partner.
It's his problem, he needs to address it. Or not...
Hugs to you, I hope you get the peace you deserve.
You did the right thing. I'm sorry be out you in that position, but he's too far gone at the moment to be a partner to you.
I hope perhaps my experience can help you with your feeling he "chose" alcohol over you. As the alcoholic in my relationship (gratefully sober), I definitely see how it seemed that way from my partners side. The reality: I hated alcohol for at least the last two years of my active addiction. I hated alcohol, I hated what it was doing to our relationship, to my partner, to me. Yet every time I tried to quit, the fear, panic, complete lack of understanding that there was another way... caused me to pick up again. It was not a lack of love for my partner.
It's his problem, he needs to address it. Or not...
Hugs to you, I hope you get the peace you deserve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by wehav2day 
Cali,
You did the right thing. I'm sorry be out you in that position, but he's too far gone at the moment to be a partner to you.
I hope perhaps my experience can help you with your feeling he "chose" alcohol over you. As the alcoholic in my relationship (gratefully sober), I definitely see how it seemed that way from my partners side. The reality: I hated alcohol for at least the last two years of my active addiction. I hated alcohol, I hated what it was doing to our relationship, to my partner, to me. Yet every time I tried to quit, the fear, panic, complete lack of understanding that there was another way... caused me to pick up again. It was not a lack of love for my partner.
It's his problem, he needs to address it. Or not...
Hugs to you, I hope you get the peace you deserve.
You did the right thing. I'm sorry be out you in that position, but he's too far gone at the moment to be a partner to you.
I hope perhaps my experience can help you with your feeling he "chose" alcohol over you. As the alcoholic in my relationship (gratefully sober), I definitely see how it seemed that way from my partners side. The reality: I hated alcohol for at least the last two years of my active addiction. I hated alcohol, I hated what it was doing to our relationship, to my partner, to me. Yet every time I tried to quit, the fear, panic, complete lack of understanding that there was another way... caused me to pick up again. It was not a lack of love for my partner.
It's his problem, he needs to address it. Or not...
Hugs to you, I hope you get the peace you deserve.
The thing I read that struck me the most was that if he loved me or not it doesn't matter, he didn't love me the way I needed him to. He acknowledged he had a problem but also said he liked to drink and couldn't imagine life without it indefinitely. Right then I knew I had to go because I couldnt imagine life with him drinking indefinitely. Put plainly , It just sucks...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Hi
So sorry you are going through this.
Your post reminds me of myself some years back.
I read your story and unfortunately he seems immature emotionally and mentally.
I think that's one of the reasons apart from the booze and cigs/weed or whatever he's doing he enjoys 20 year olds company on a regular basis.
I look back now on my scenario and I blame myself ( in a compassionate way )
I didn't give it enough time before I started living with my ex and paid the price.
It happens. Just chalk it up to experience.
I think he was crazy in love with you at first . Now the honeymoon phase is waning and he isn't mature enough to be what's required to settle down together
Addicts are very selfish , there's no room for anyone else.
It'll be the same whoever he's with while he's drinking.
You are doing the right thing...good work x
So sorry you are going through this.
Your post reminds me of myself some years back.
I read your story and unfortunately he seems immature emotionally and mentally.
I think that's one of the reasons apart from the booze and cigs/weed or whatever he's doing he enjoys 20 year olds company on a regular basis.
I look back now on my scenario and I blame myself ( in a compassionate way )
I didn't give it enough time before I started living with my ex and paid the price.
It happens. Just chalk it up to experience.
I think he was crazy in love with you at first . Now the honeymoon phase is waning and he isn't mature enough to be what's required to settle down together
Addicts are very selfish , there's no room for anyone else.
It'll be the same whoever he's with while he's drinking.
You are doing the right thing...good work x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
Happy to report I made it to Al Anon meeting last night. Felt so good to be there. Looking forward to going back. Thank you all for you words of encouragement.
On another note I have not heard a thing from xabf but, I got a text from xabf 16 year old daughter. She said if I ever need anything she's my gal.
On another note I have not heard a thing from xabf but, I got a text from xabf 16 year old daughter. She said if I ever need anything she's my gal.
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