Breaking up with my addictive Ex

Old 09-06-2017, 07:44 PM
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Breaking up with my addictive Ex

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on here and I am just looking for some advice/support... I broke up with my boyfriend exactly one month ago but have had no office contact for two weeks. We were dating for one year when he moved here from another state for me. He's 32 and I'm 24... when we both first met, we felt like we were each other's soulmates, however; I did learn a lot about him and his addictions quickly into the relationship. He has had a few (cocaine, cigarettes and alcohol) which he told me he had come clean of all of those... it was hard for me to accept at first because I don't drink regularly and I have never tried a drug in my life, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him and because of the many family issues he had. He blamed a lot of his issues on how he was raised, how his father abandoned him and how he was verbally abused by
others in his family. I never caught him doing any drugs or smoking when we were together however he would downplay his drinking addiction and would tell me that he was never addicted, he drinks a lot but he could stop it when he wanted to... me being young and nieve, I believed him and didn't believe his family members who straight out told me that he can't drink and that unneeded to make sure he didn't. I was so busy with grad school that I didn't have much time to observe his drinking habits, however, there were a few incidents where I did witness him drink and I saw his personality switch. He became mean, aggressive and looked for fights with either me or random people when we were out. It was a scary scene and I was unable to control him the way I could when he was sober. He would be irrational and would begin to verbally abuse me. He called me every name under the sun and would tell me that God is going to punish me if I leave him, he would tell me to go f*** myself and tell me I'm mentally disturbed. The breaking point was when we went to go visit his mother for a week in her hometown and she told me she hid the liquor bottles on him. The whole week we were there he would buy bottles of whiskey and drink it straight from morning until night, and again, his personality would switch and he would treat me terribly. I let that week go and the following weekend on Memorial Day weekend, we went away with my family to my summer house. On the drive up, he asked me to stop at the liquor store, I said okay because I didn't want an argument... he came out with 7 airplane size bottles of jack Daniels and a bigger size of vodka. I asked him why he bought vodka when he never even drinks that and his response was that there wasn't enough whiskey. Since I was driving he has about 3 of those bottles in the car and then had another one later that night. The next morning I woke up and came down to his room to find him chugging vodka straight out of the bottle at 10:00am before we headed to breakfast, on top of that we went to breakfast and shopping in town and he drank about 5 glasses of straight whiskey between 11:00-3:00pm. At one point I went shopping in a store and he told me he would be right back, and I got a gut feeling so I left the store and sure enough found him in a restaurant a few stores down sitting at the bar ordering a drink. He then became irrational and started fighting with people on the street. I walked away out of embarrassment and then he began to attack me that I should never leave his side no matter what the situation is. He fought with me so bad until I was hysterically crying. The day only got worse as he began to fight with an employee at the supermarket in front of my parents. Later that night we went to a club with my sister and her friend where he proceeded to drink more and treated us so terribly. That night I broke up with him and told my parents that I was done. However, a week later, I decided to give it a second chance because I truly loved him and he convinced me that if I stuck with him he would never ever have a sip of a drink again and we could get through this. I continued to go to church with him weekly, i began looking up different things to do together to help him such as yoga, I spent everyday with him and got him a therapist that he began seeing weekly. I wanted to do everything I could to help him in a healthy way. I even made him rekindle with his stepfather and try to rekindle with his father because I believe some of those situations are the reasons that he has these issues. I worked so hard and put so much effort into helping him have a healthy successful life and my parents did not speak to me for a full month. They would not accept me going back to him and helping him because they though I deserved better. It was a very tough time for me between Memorial Day until I broke up with him in august. Even though he gave up the drinking addiction, I became his new addiction. He didn't let me spend time with my family or friends and if he didn't get what he wanted he began to verbally abuse me again. He would try to make me feel guilty by saying "what's more important?? Me or them?? Or I need you or make me your priority I do everything for you and you do nothing for me, or be a big girl and stand up to your family!" Meanwhile I was standing up to my family every single day by standing by his side even though they wouldn't speak to me in my own house. I wasn't even allowed to take my phone out when I was with him or check a text. He wanted to be with me from the moment I got out of work until as late as I possibly could. If I had plans with my cousins, or my sisters I wasn't allowed to go. When I told him about a future one week vacation I was going to go with my family to, his first question was "well are you going? What about me?" As if I was crazy to want to spend a week with my family! He became more and more verbally abusive and turned the whole situation around by saying he made one mistake and my family is so judge mental and the whole reason we are having issues is because of them, they are such horrible people. He became the victim again. I try to rationalize with him and explain that my parents are not judgemental, they are judging your actions and they have every right to because they are concerned about me, my safety and my future! Then he went to blame me that this is my fault and that if I really loved him I wouldn't give up so quickly and that he will find someone who will love him unconditionally and never leave his side. He also knows how to push my guilt buttons by saying "if something ever happens to me you'll regret not saying I love you".... my heart is torn because I know this relationship has become so unhealthy and toxic and can never go back but it's a hard day for me and right now I feel weaker than usual... I wish he didn't have these issues and that it could work. He also will not call himself an alcoholic, he says he drinks a lot but can control it. I think he is one. Does anyone have any advice??
Thank you!
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Old 09-06-2017, 09:23 PM
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Hi, Natalie.
Welcome.
Ach, there is a lot going on with you right now.
No advice, other than to take a breath.
Keep checking in. Here for you.
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Old 09-07-2017, 07:06 AM
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Does anyone have any advice??
I would continue the no contact, and rather than attempt to figure him out put all of that effort and energy into you and try and figure out why you stayed in such a toxic dysfunctional relationship and allowed yourself to be treated like that, that’s the real issue here.
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Old 09-07-2017, 07:28 AM
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I just reread your post, Natalie.
Leaving the alcohol use aside for a moment, he is very controlling, and seems to want to control you.
I see many red flagsin your post, like his trying to limit contact with family and friends, controlling phone use (Seriously? Who does that?), just behaving as though he should be the center of your universe, and you are wrong for not buying that.
I think you have dodged a substantial bullet here.
Stay no contact, as recommended by atalose (who is very wise), reach out to family and friends for support, and do your very best to realize within yourself why you tolerated this behavior from him for one minute, let alone one year.
Peace and good thoughts.
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Old 09-07-2017, 09:30 AM
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Thank you everyone for responding. Although I have only discovered this website yesterday, I already feel the support from all of you. Unfortunately, I can't talk to my family/friends about this because they are just so thankful that I am not with him. It's hard to express my feelings to them and to open up because they immediately become defensive and scared that I will go back to him.... those are not my intentions but I do need this time to grieve because I really loved him and saw a future.
Since the break up he has gone back and forth between saying sweet things such as "I lost the best thing that ever happened to me" to mean things such as, "I deserve better than you, you left me when I needed you and you just walked out." He is also turning it around by saying that he had to cut me out of his life because he saw that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. Now he is acting like the stronger one by blocking me on social media. I won't respond to it or react because I think that's why he's doing it.... has this happened to anyone? Does he really believe that I did not stand by him after all of the things I did? Or is that his way of justifying his issues that he knows he has deep down?
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Old 09-07-2017, 09:52 AM
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This type of response is pretty common when an active addict loses their number one enabler--they will do or say anything, whatever it takes to avoid having to deal with the real problem: their addiction.

You do not need a front row seat to this madness. Cutting off all contact--including third-party/mutual friend contact and social media stalking--will give you the time and space you need and deserve to get some perspective on the abusive situation you have been living in.

And please don't be afraid to tell your family you are grieving. They can't understand why it isn't cut and dried, but stuffing your feelings to put them at ease won't serve you in the long run.
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Old 09-07-2017, 09:57 AM
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you fell under the spell of a dangerous, unstable man, one who also has many addictions. there's just no two ways around it - he is not who you thought or hoped, he is most definitely not soulmate material, boyfriend material, companion material.

lesson learned. go absolutely 100% NO contact. don't worry about who blocks who first, or who unfollows whom on twitter or whatever. we keep angry abusive people OUT of our lives. always.
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Old 09-07-2017, 10:02 AM
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One of the ways he will try to get you back is with guilt. There will be other tactics too. No contact is best.
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Old 09-07-2017, 10:03 AM
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Since the break up he has gone back and forth between saying sweet things such as "I lost the best thing that ever happened to me" to mean things such as, "I deserve better than you, you left me when I needed you and you just walked out." He is also turning it around by saying that he had to cut me out of his life because he saw that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. Now he is acting like the stronger one by blocking me on social media. I won't respond to it or react because I think that's why he's doing it.... has this happened to anyone? Does he really believe that I did not stand by him after all of the things I did? Or is that his way of justifying his issues that he knows he has deep down?
It is not a break up if you are still engaging in conversations/text messages with him. It is not a break up if you are still believing and questioning his alcoholic quackery.

To heal a wound you need to stop touching it. Break ups hurt but the post trauma we continue to put ourselves through by continuing to engage with the ex can be much worse.
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Old 09-07-2017, 04:18 PM
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Thank you everyone... these responses are so helpful and encouraging... you're right, I have to remember how he treated me aside from the drinking. The reason I gave him another chance was because I blamed him treating me poorly due to him be intoxicated.... but I learned that he treats me bad even when he is sober sometimes even worse! It's like if he can't control me and have me 24/7 he becomes a beast and can easily change into being the sweetest, loving, affectionate person as soon as he gets what he wants. We also always talked about getting engaged in the near future but I asked him to slow down with that after my family found out his addictions and he began to pressure me these past two months about getting married in city hall and his family tried to bribe me with assets of theirs... looking back I feel like those were red flags for me to take over the problem they've been dealing with for a very long time.
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Old 09-07-2017, 04:24 PM
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Natalie....we have a wonderful collection of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
I am giving you the link, below. Please take a look at them and read the ones that appeal to you....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
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Old 09-14-2017, 05:19 PM
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This was me almost exactly. I learned a couple keys things before getting myself out of the situation.

1) He is going to need a care taker his family saw me as a way to take the pressure of caring for him off their hands, they knew he can't function independently.

2) he is isolating you, gaslighting you, and manipulating you. If he closes your entire life off no one can question his instability and he is more likely to be able to pass instability as Love. It's not, I get it though at the very end before I left I wasn't allowed outside at night (I still can't believe I allowed that) isolation is a powerful tool for manipulation.
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Old 09-15-2017, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Natalie13 View Post
He is also turning it around by saying that he had to cut me out of his life because he saw that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. Now he is acting like the stronger one by blocking me on social media. I won't respond to it or react because I think that's why he's doing it.... has this happened to anyone? Does he really believe that I did not stand by him after all of the things I did? Or is that his way of justifying his issues that he knows he has deep down?
Yes this happened to me when I broke up with my AxBF. He harassed me via text and when I told him I no longer wanted to have any contact with him he went off. He told me I was "weak" and that I could not "survive in his world." I told him actually I am very strong and then blocked his number (on text - I didn't realize I also had to block him from calling). Then on Christmas Eve he proceeded to call me 5 times in a row. I never picked up. I then blocked his number from calling me. I had also already previously blocked him on Facebook and Instagram (as well as his family).

Incidentally I did (literally) run into him this summer when I was running (I'm training for a marathon this October). I stopped to get water at a public washroom and he walked out of the men's bathroom right in front of my face. We said no words to each other and did not acknowledge each other. I wish him well, on the level of one human being to another, but do not wish to have any part of him in my life. That is a chapter that is over and done with.

He is trying to manipulate you. Do not let him. Do not have any contact with him. His problems are not your problems. Focus on your own health, healing, and happiness.
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