Update on life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Update on life
My ex survived the lightning strike with life altering injuries. He's on medication for his heart for life and has other nasties like brain damaged and stomach damage. ( back story about this somewhere ) Anyhow the whole situation made me think.
I realise I over react to everything or under react. I do nothing or too much. I feel nothing or too much. I've no middle ground. None. At the moment tho I am on a fairly even keel. That's probably cos he's not in my life and won't be. ..ever. I owe my boys that much as well as myself. I do not want abusive men anywhere near my kids. I a m going to my university induction in a couple of weeks and a whole new chapter is opening up but I know am still broken.
Silly things set me off like an episode out of a show I watch. In it the main character's sister was playing a recovered alcoholic who'd fallen off the wagon and she was begging her not to drink and trying get her to go home and the alcholic sister was quacking just like my exah about why she was going to carry on drinking but"wouldn't drink tomorrow." Flashback time! I sat bawling like a child. Remembering all the times I'd been there and the pointlessness of it all and how it had made me feel. I wonder if that will stay with me for life now...those feelings welling up of the sheer helplessness I felt and frustration.
Also been reading around the forum and sad to see some are stuck in the loop like I was and probably still am even tho I am no longer with exah and haven been nearly 4 years now.
Back to now ... my boys are happy, our cats wonderful. Our new addition is racing around making me smile. We got a chance to move but the place wasn't cat friendly ( no garden, busy road ) so we decided to stay here for now. I've been decluttering and cleaning for when am at uni and won't have time. One of my boys has made a lot of friends in recent times and he's going out more and is getting involved with our church activities and helping there. No sign of exah for months ( yay) but his sister tracked me down on farcebook to ask about him. Amazing what she thought was true. Poor woman was stunned by the time I'd filled her in. lol.
So that's us. Still plodding... life goes by...mainly it's peaceful, it can be boring but it's never awful anymore.
I realise I over react to everything or under react. I do nothing or too much. I feel nothing or too much. I've no middle ground. None. At the moment tho I am on a fairly even keel. That's probably cos he's not in my life and won't be. ..ever. I owe my boys that much as well as myself. I do not want abusive men anywhere near my kids. I a m going to my university induction in a couple of weeks and a whole new chapter is opening up but I know am still broken.
Silly things set me off like an episode out of a show I watch. In it the main character's sister was playing a recovered alcoholic who'd fallen off the wagon and she was begging her not to drink and trying get her to go home and the alcholic sister was quacking just like my exah about why she was going to carry on drinking but"wouldn't drink tomorrow." Flashback time! I sat bawling like a child. Remembering all the times I'd been there and the pointlessness of it all and how it had made me feel. I wonder if that will stay with me for life now...those feelings welling up of the sheer helplessness I felt and frustration.
Also been reading around the forum and sad to see some are stuck in the loop like I was and probably still am even tho I am no longer with exah and haven been nearly 4 years now.
Back to now ... my boys are happy, our cats wonderful. Our new addition is racing around making me smile. We got a chance to move but the place wasn't cat friendly ( no garden, busy road ) so we decided to stay here for now. I've been decluttering and cleaning for when am at uni and won't have time. One of my boys has made a lot of friends in recent times and he's going out more and is getting involved with our church activities and helping there. No sign of exah for months ( yay) but his sister tracked me down on farcebook to ask about him. Amazing what she thought was true. Poor woman was stunned by the time I'd filled her in. lol.
So that's us. Still plodding... life goes by...mainly it's peaceful, it can be boring but it's never awful anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's good to hear from you! I will take boring any old day!
I remember those times when things on TV would set me off. It does make you realize that addiction is EVERYWHERE, and so much more aware of it.
I hope things stay peaceful for you friend!
I remember those times when things on TV would set me off. It does make you realize that addiction is EVERYWHERE, and so much more aware of it.
I hope things stay peaceful for you friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Thanks for the replies. It's always two steps forward and one step back. Another friend of mine claimed today to be dating my farmer friend and has been for ages. I saw him today and he never said a word to me even tho we chatted for a very long time. He also sat with me in church and she sat elsewhere. I know it's up to him who he sees but I feel down over it. It will change our friendship cos he has to put her first now and I've also realised deep down in my heart of hearts I was hoping we'd get together eventually but I was too messed up when he first asked me over 3 years ago and I feel like now it's too late. Am upset about this being yet another sacrifice due to my past with exah and no being ready cos I just know if I had been able to pull my finger out 3 years ago this woman would not have got a look in. I couldn't tho. My sons love him too. I am sort of glad for her tho even tho I'd like to slap her lol. Talk about green eyed monster rearing it's head. I didn't think I had it in me. He's lovely and will give her some happiness she deserves as she not had an easy time of it herself.
She's like the cat that licked the cream. She told me she wants him to retired from farming and sell up. I said good luck with that one cos he never ever will. I know him. He loves that farm and it won't be going anywhere. So onwards and upwards.
She's like the cat that licked the cream. She told me she wants him to retired from farming and sell up. I said good luck with that one cos he never ever will. I know him. He loves that farm and it won't be going anywhere. So onwards and upwards.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
So my normal MO is to walk away and lick my wounds cos I never used to feel like I deserve any better and of course he'd chose her over me but this time I had a niggling feeling all was not as it seems ..that or I'd completely misread him so I asked him.
He's never dated her. He said his only contact with her is in a study group together. The whole group had a meal out once.. last Christmas. I believe him. He was shocked and said she's a bit scary. I think she said it to rattle me and she has her own fantasy. Anyhow it's made me realise I care way more for him than just as a friend so am glad in a way it happened.
In other news my son is taking up some seriously cool voluntary work, applying for college and is much happier about the situation with exah.
He's never dated her. He said his only contact with her is in a study group together. The whole group had a meal out once.. last Christmas. I believe him. He was shocked and said she's a bit scary. I think she said it to rattle me and she has her own fantasy. Anyhow it's made me realise I care way more for him than just as a friend so am glad in a way it happened.
In other news my son is taking up some seriously cool voluntary work, applying for college and is much happier about the situation with exah.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Sorry about your friend, though.
She sounds a bit off, yeah?
She's a lot older than me and 15 years older then my farmer friend but I think she saw him as her last chance tbh. She stayed married until her husband died but he was abusive to her throughout her marriage and I feel compassion towards her cos she is old and totally alone now with no happy memories. I knew she'd set her cap at him last year cos she got very angry with me going hill walking with him. Her age puts her in a bracket she is unlikely to meet anyone else cos she is 80. I might introduce her to my widowed dad cos he is 86 :p
She sounds a bit off, yeah?
She's a lot older than me and 15 years older then my farmer friend but I think she saw him as her last chance tbh. She stayed married until her husband died but he was abusive to her throughout her marriage and I feel compassion towards her cos she is old and totally alone now with no happy memories. I knew she'd set her cap at him last year cos she got very angry with me going hill walking with him. Her age puts her in a bracket she is unlikely to meet anyone else cos she is 80. I might introduce her to my widowed dad cos he is 86 :p
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
