Carrie2015

As I help my daughter today, take care of my adorable Grandbaby, I am full of thoughts of how life is random and weird. I keep looking for "a pattern" that introduced me to addicts/alcoholics so late in life. My first relationship with an Alcoholic was at 40. My self esteem was low due to my husband leaving me. I had pretty bad Postpartum Depression that ended my marriage. I remarried after about 4 years to the first man who seemed like a reasonable choice. I knew virtually nothing about alcoholism and he was to be my first. We didn't last long and I swore I knew enough that I would never make that mistake again. My daughter was 11 when we ended. He was a "secret" drinker. Never in front of my daughter or myself. I found out because he got a DUI and was forced to tell me. He quit drinking, went to recovery etc. We married and he started drinking almost immediately. I left immediately. So, then I swore I was done dating until my daughter moved out, so I waited 7 years to date again. My daughter moved out to go to University. I dated quite a bit (being careful) and found my 2nd alcoholic. He was a secret one too. Again, it ramped up in the end; can't hide that for long. So I am baffled by now. Is there some sort of invisible mark on them that identifies them as Alkies to my subconcious? The weird thing was my first husband, the father of my daughter did not abuse drugs or alcohol. We were together for 13 years. It was AFTER we split up that he started a trend of use/abuse of pretty much anything. Again....secret of course. And we were not together...it was not until many years later I found out that after we divorced he used Meth for a couple years, drank every night etc. He was one of those addict superstars that makes a ton of money, runs 10K races, backpacks, etc and has time for addiction. So to this day, he is minimizes his issues,,,,,but he is remarried and that is their issue. But I have to remind myself. He is my daughter's father. My daughter was partially raised by this man with amazing mood swings and random behavior. My daughter started being aware of his use by the time she was 14 or 15. But again, it was secret. She found weird stashes of pills, she started noticing his late night drinking. She started spending less and less time at his house.

So today, I am hanging out with my daughter and Grandbaby. Her "husband/partner" of seven years, left her six weeks ago. He met a woman in AA...they both are newbies to the program. I feel like a whole new generation of addicts/alcoholics is being created. My grandbaby's father comes from a huge alcoholic family. His father has a history of drugs/booze. I do believe all his uncles are either, active drinkers, recovered drinkers, or dead ex drinkers. But not the wives or girlfriends. I am so worried for my grandson. He is a sweet little toddler and it seems the odds are against him.

I am feeling melancholy tonight. I don't know if addiction is increasing but it feels so rampant. And with addition of shame now added to being an alcoholic it seems like secrecy is a big element of it. I feel like I can't escape it no matter how much I try.

Thank you for letting me rant.

Carrie