I lead a way too "interesting" life! :)
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I lead a way too "interesting" life! :) The 2 cats and I are mostly settled in to our new place.
[My RA house-mate IS going to be another post!]
My R? AH was released from prison Sunday morning. Plan was for him to hit a meeting first thing, get settled at the Shelter House and meet me Monday at the Meeting House at 4pm. So much for plans.
Sat and waited for him for an hour. Nope. Thought about crying, but decided if I had to think about it, maybe I didn't really need to. Very strange feeling to not cry over him!
The second person I was going to meet there did show up a bit later. A RA friend who's been sober for 42 years and who's opinion/advise I value alot. He soon had me laughing at my situation - [WHAT?!] He just has a unique way of putting things into perspective. He asked me why the heck I'd called him? He thought it was something important! He was missing his television show for goodness sakes!
[I'm the one on the right 
]
Hung out at the Meeting House for a total of 6 hours. Two AA meetings and just hangin' out with sober people. The thing that I still find pretty amazing is that besides talking to my friend, I just didn't even think to mention my husband to anyone else!
R?AH called tonight and left a message [cuz I don't answer if I don't recognize the number.] He's gotten in at the Shelter House, so he doesn't have to sleep outside again and I don't have to worry about him. [News Flash: I wasn't.]
I've been pretty darned ok since telling him I won't live with him til he's clean/sober. [and moving so that I didn't have the option of giving in and saying okaaaaaay . . . ] Yesterday just proves to me that I did the right thing. Slept better last night than I have in a lonnnnnng time.
Our plan has been that we would still talk on the phone and see each other sometimes while we each work on ourselves. Right now, all I know is that I don't feel the need/desire to call and talk to him - right now. [That feels very strange too!] He needs to come to me. Not sure what will happen when he does. Maybe I'll talk to him. Maybe I won't. *shrug*
I know I'm going to need some support to keep me on track. I'm not going to disappear from this forum again! I'm glad to be done moving and back online!
[My RA house-mate IS going to be another post!]
My R? AH was released from prison Sunday morning. Plan was for him to hit a meeting first thing, get settled at the Shelter House and meet me Monday at the Meeting House at 4pm. So much for plans.
Sat and waited for him for an hour. Nope. Thought about crying, but decided if I had to think about it, maybe I didn't really need to. Very strange feeling to not cry over him!
The second person I was going to meet there did show up a bit later. A RA friend who's been sober for 42 years and who's opinion/advise I value alot. He soon had me laughing at my situation - [WHAT?!] He just has a unique way of putting things into perspective. He asked me why the heck I'd called him? He thought it was something important! He was missing his television show for goodness sakes!
[I'm the one on the right ]Hung out at the Meeting House for a total of 6 hours. Two AA meetings and just hangin' out with sober people. The thing that I still find pretty amazing is that besides talking to my friend, I just didn't even think to mention my husband to anyone else!
R?AH called tonight and left a message [cuz I don't answer if I don't recognize the number.] He's gotten in at the Shelter House, so he doesn't have to sleep outside again and I don't have to worry about him. [News Flash: I wasn't.]
I've been pretty darned ok since telling him I won't live with him til he's clean/sober. [and moving so that I didn't have the option of giving in and saying okaaaaaay . . . ] Yesterday just proves to me that I did the right thing. Slept better last night than I have in a lonnnnnng time.
Our plan has been that we would still talk on the phone and see each other sometimes while we each work on ourselves. Right now, all I know is that I don't feel the need/desire to call and talk to him - right now. [That feels very strange too!] He needs to come to me. Not sure what will happen when he does. Maybe I'll talk to him. Maybe I won't. *shrug*
I know I'm going to need some support to keep me on track. I'm not going to disappear from this forum again! I'm glad to be done moving and back online!
Last edited by darkling; 09-05-2017 at 07:45 PM. Reason: cuz I can :)
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D,
I'm so proud of you. Once again you gave him the benefit of the doubt and he burned you, again. The old saying " when people show you who they are believe them the first time."
So what is your plan? No contact? Wait till he keeps calling, then what? Rescue you him when he gets thrown out of sober living, for drinking? They say to not engage till he has a year of sobriety under his belt. What are you thinking ?? Everyone needs a plan so you don't get caught off guard.
I'm so proud of you. Once again you gave him the benefit of the doubt and he burned you, again. The old saying " when people show you who they are believe them the first time."
So what is your plan? No contact? Wait till he keeps calling, then what? Rescue you him when he gets thrown out of sober living, for drinking? They say to not engage till he has a year of sobriety under his belt. What are you thinking ?? Everyone needs a plan so you don't get caught off guard.
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The original plan was to stay in contact. We're in separate cities and neither of us drive so it'd prob'ly mostly be via phone or before/after a meeting.
Right now, I'm going with that - but - I will not be the one seeking him out, which is a biggie. He's going to have to come to me and he knows that I need him to have a year clean and do x,y,z before we discuss living together again.
The "contact thing" is going to be . . . reconsidered? . . . on a daily basis. I'm trying to kinda sit on my hands and wait to see what happens next.
ps. He's in a homeless shelter - not sober living.
I gave up our duplex and moved into a friend's spare room with my 2 cats specifically so that I could not give in and say "Poor baby, come home." [Sorry, I wrote that in a different post - should've included that info in this one as well!]
Right now, I'm going with that - but - I will not be the one seeking him out, which is a biggie. He's going to have to come to me and he knows that I need him to have a year clean and do x,y,z before we discuss living together again.
The "contact thing" is going to be . . . reconsidered? . . . on a daily basis. I'm trying to kinda sit on my hands and wait to see what happens next.
ps. He's in a homeless shelter - not sober living.
I gave up our duplex and moved into a friend's spare room with my 2 cats specifically so that I could not give in and say "Poor baby, come home." [Sorry, I wrote that in a different post - should've included that info in this one as well!]
Last edited by darkling; 09-05-2017 at 09:30 PM. Reason: ps
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Sounds like you are protecting yourself. Thats good.
I will tell you what happened to me regarding contact with axh. Together a long time I divorced, still loving him. I stayed in touch to "help" him as I knew he couldn't do it alone. So even after the divorce he was consuming me. I was always hoping I would get the call that he needed me to walk him into rehab and that he has finally coming to the "right " side. Well I allowed him to do me divorced as he did while married.... took everything and gave nothing. 2 1/2 years post divorce I had enough strength to cut ties. The old saying nothing changes if nothing changes. Yep that would be me.
It is hard and a long process. But you do build a wall and eventually you can get behind the wall and move forward in life. Sending strength and support to you that you can do anything you need to do!!
I will tell you what happened to me regarding contact with axh. Together a long time I divorced, still loving him. I stayed in touch to "help" him as I knew he couldn't do it alone. So even after the divorce he was consuming me. I was always hoping I would get the call that he needed me to walk him into rehab and that he has finally coming to the "right " side. Well I allowed him to do me divorced as he did while married.... took everything and gave nothing. 2 1/2 years post divorce I had enough strength to cut ties. The old saying nothing changes if nothing changes. Yep that would be me.
It is hard and a long process. But you do build a wall and eventually you can get behind the wall and move forward in life. Sending strength and support to you that you can do anything you need to do!!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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That's exactly why I'm here - so I can be "accountable" to someone and catch myself before I get back into the need to "save him." He's a grown-up, he's intelligent. He'll figure it out or he'll literally die trying.
Him being in prison [released last Sunday] was a blessing in disguise. I realized just how much drama I've been living with, how nice it is without it. He messed up in prison, shortly before he was due to be released. All of the old anxiety came rushing back. Chest pains, etc.
I sat myself down and had a good talk with me. I realized that I can do this forever. The difference now is that I don't want to.
We've been together 25 years. Today, divorce is not in the plans.
Me taking care of me is.
Me letting go and giving him the space to figure things out on his own - or - fail miserably on his own, IS.
This is a two-way street. I've put him thru just as much hell as he has me. [Fair is fair.] It's just that I've been sober thru it all and people don't know my part in this. NO! I am most certainly not saying that had anything to do with his using! It has to do with us considering ourselves to be a "team" all of these years.
I really like not waiting for the footsteps right before the door opens and wondering "is he . . .?" I really like that when he left a VM yesterday, I didn't even think about immediately calling him back - or feel the need to at all.
I really like not having constant chest pains!
TEAM *US* plans to get over this rock in the road, same as we have all of the others over the years.
But I want a place to "check in" and make sure that I'm not sliding back to taking care of him - or wanting him to take care of me. Help me take care of ME.
Originally Posted by maia1234 
Sounds like you are protecting yourself. Thats good.
I will tell you what happened to me regarding contact with axh. Together a long time I divorced, still loving him. I stayed in touch to "help" him as I knew he couldn't do it alone. So even after the divorce he was consuming me. I was always hoping I would get the call that he needed me to walk him into rehab and that he has finally coming to the "right " side. Well I allowed him to do me divorced as he did while married.... took everything and gave nothing. 2 1/2 years post divorce I had enough strength to cut ties. The old saying nothing changes if nothing changes. Yep that would be me.
It is hard and a long process. But you do build a wall and eventually you can get behind the wall and move forward in life. Sending strength and support to you that you can do anything you need to do!!
I will tell you what happened to me regarding contact with axh. Together a long time I divorced, still loving him. I stayed in touch to "help" him as I knew he couldn't do it alone. So even after the divorce he was consuming me. I was always hoping I would get the call that he needed me to walk him into rehab and that he has finally coming to the "right " side. Well I allowed him to do me divorced as he did while married.... took everything and gave nothing. 2 1/2 years post divorce I had enough strength to cut ties. The old saying nothing changes if nothing changes. Yep that would be me.
It is hard and a long process. But you do build a wall and eventually you can get behind the wall and move forward in life. Sending strength and support to you that you can do anything you need to do!!
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Boooooo! lmao
Actually, you made a good point
Actually, you made a good point
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
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