My Brother
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
My Brother
Hi everyone.....
I usually post down in the SA forum, but I have a problem and I could really use your guys' help.
So, a little background.....I have a brother who is 33 years old. He is a really great kid, but he had a pretty rough start in life. Our mom, his dad and me, are all alcoholics and drug addicts. He grew up thinking that drinking to excess and partying and getting high was the thing to do. I did, too. I am deeply ashamed to admit it, but my brother did his first bong hit with me, his first line of meth with me. He drank his first beer with his dad, and his first shot of hard liquor with our mom. My mom gave me my first of all of these things, too, and then some, so I guess I was keeping the cycle of substance abuse in our family going by getting him high.
As my brother got older, into high school, he started to act out a lot. He skipped school, got high daily, ran with a bad crew of kids, all the things you'd expect from a kid with the background he has. He eventually dropped out of school, but around that time he met a nice girl who was in recovery from drugs and alcohol, and he cleaned up his life and got his GED, got a job. Things were going well. My mom was clean and sober during that time, and so was I. Then his gf cheated on him and became pregnant with someone else's baby, and that just devastated my brother. He started on this downward spiral of smoking meth and drinking. A few years into that, he met another girl. A heroin addict who was more streetwise and jaded than him, and she taught him how to break into cars and stuff. She taught him how to steal. This started a whole chain of bad things. He married her. They moved into this horrible apartment in this complex where everyone was using or selling. He continued to steal in order to feed his habit until one day he got caught by the police. He was arrested on a Thursday night for theft and possession and ROR'd the next day because it was his first offense. Friday night, he and B were arrested again for breaking into cars in the parking lot of the local golf course, and this time they kept him. B was arrested, too, on this occasion.
My brother spent 30 days in jail, and in the meantime, the police went to my mom's house and found a whole stash of stolen stuff in the garage. My mom had no idea he was doing that, and I believe her. My mom was working all the time back then, and was never home. It would have been almost impossible to stay on top of everything my brother was doing, and my mom never dreamed, in a million years, that my brother would be stealing!! You never want to think such things about your own child.
Anyways, when all was said and done, my brother got 10 years probation and 10 thousand dollars in restitution. He was ordered to attend NA and IOP,and was pee tested constantly. But, he stayed clean and sober. He did everything the courts asked of him. He didn't like it, and it was really hard for him , but he did it. He also divorced B. During that time, he would come over to my house everyday and watch a movie. Every single day, because he couldn't stand being alone, and all his friends had deserted him after he was arrested and got himself clean. It was a very lonely, difficult time in his life. But, getting clean usually is.
Eventually, he landed a great job, met another girl, fell in love, and got married. She has two children from a previous marriage (he passed away), an her and my brother recently had a baby together. A little girl who is the best thing that ever happened to our little family. She is everything to us.
My brother's wife lives in Cancun, Mexico, so my brother now spends 6 months of the year there, and 6 months of the year here for work. So, half the time I only get to see him and his family on skype. I know he has a drinking problem because he drinks every day. No exceptions. Mostly beer and tequila. But, he still gets things done. He is pretty high functioning. But, when he is home for those 6 months, he drinks a ton. And, my mom starts drinking a lot more, too. And, they sort of keep me out of the loop, because they know I can't drink. Not even one beer. It feels like, when my brother is home, they isolate themselves from me. So they can drink uncensored. I think, too, they don't want me to know because of my own addiction issues.
Well, the other day, my bro skyped me, and he was telling me that he knows he has a problem with drinking and that he wants to slow down. Not stop, just take it easy. But, of course, we all know how that usually works out. He was telling me that he didn't drink for 4 days in a row last week, and how happy he was about that. I can see that he's torn between wanting to quit drinking completely, but thinking that he can moderate instead. He said he doesn't want the hangovers anymore, that he wants to be a good dad and a good husband. He was asking for my opinion and my advice, but I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to be too hard, but I don't want to tell him everything is okay, when I know it's not. And, he is thinking about all this now because his ex wife, B, died a while back from a heroin overdose. And because he's seen what alcohol has done to his whole family. Drugs, too.
So, my question is.....How do I handle this situation?? He's opened the door for me with being willing to have a conversation about his drinking, but what do I say to keep the door open?? He won't go to AA. He already told me he wouldn't because he hated going when he was court ordered to. He lives so far away that I can't seem to keep regular communication with him. His wife doesn't drink, and she hates it that he does, so I know I have an ally there. But, I don't know what to do next. Is there anything I can do to help him quit?? Is just being there and listening enough?? I don't want to push him away by being overly anything. I just, honestly, don't know what to do. What would you do if it were your brother??
Thank you so much for reading. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.
I usually post down in the SA forum, but I have a problem and I could really use your guys' help.
So, a little background.....I have a brother who is 33 years old. He is a really great kid, but he had a pretty rough start in life. Our mom, his dad and me, are all alcoholics and drug addicts. He grew up thinking that drinking to excess and partying and getting high was the thing to do. I did, too. I am deeply ashamed to admit it, but my brother did his first bong hit with me, his first line of meth with me. He drank his first beer with his dad, and his first shot of hard liquor with our mom. My mom gave me my first of all of these things, too, and then some, so I guess I was keeping the cycle of substance abuse in our family going by getting him high.
As my brother got older, into high school, he started to act out a lot. He skipped school, got high daily, ran with a bad crew of kids, all the things you'd expect from a kid with the background he has. He eventually dropped out of school, but around that time he met a nice girl who was in recovery from drugs and alcohol, and he cleaned up his life and got his GED, got a job. Things were going well. My mom was clean and sober during that time, and so was I. Then his gf cheated on him and became pregnant with someone else's baby, and that just devastated my brother. He started on this downward spiral of smoking meth and drinking. A few years into that, he met another girl. A heroin addict who was more streetwise and jaded than him, and she taught him how to break into cars and stuff. She taught him how to steal. This started a whole chain of bad things. He married her. They moved into this horrible apartment in this complex where everyone was using or selling. He continued to steal in order to feed his habit until one day he got caught by the police. He was arrested on a Thursday night for theft and possession and ROR'd the next day because it was his first offense. Friday night, he and B were arrested again for breaking into cars in the parking lot of the local golf course, and this time they kept him. B was arrested, too, on this occasion.
My brother spent 30 days in jail, and in the meantime, the police went to my mom's house and found a whole stash of stolen stuff in the garage. My mom had no idea he was doing that, and I believe her. My mom was working all the time back then, and was never home. It would have been almost impossible to stay on top of everything my brother was doing, and my mom never dreamed, in a million years, that my brother would be stealing!! You never want to think such things about your own child.
Anyways, when all was said and done, my brother got 10 years probation and 10 thousand dollars in restitution. He was ordered to attend NA and IOP,and was pee tested constantly. But, he stayed clean and sober. He did everything the courts asked of him. He didn't like it, and it was really hard for him , but he did it. He also divorced B. During that time, he would come over to my house everyday and watch a movie. Every single day, because he couldn't stand being alone, and all his friends had deserted him after he was arrested and got himself clean. It was a very lonely, difficult time in his life. But, getting clean usually is.
Eventually, he landed a great job, met another girl, fell in love, and got married. She has two children from a previous marriage (he passed away), an her and my brother recently had a baby together. A little girl who is the best thing that ever happened to our little family. She is everything to us.
My brother's wife lives in Cancun, Mexico, so my brother now spends 6 months of the year there, and 6 months of the year here for work. So, half the time I only get to see him and his family on skype. I know he has a drinking problem because he drinks every day. No exceptions. Mostly beer and tequila. But, he still gets things done. He is pretty high functioning. But, when he is home for those 6 months, he drinks a ton. And, my mom starts drinking a lot more, too. And, they sort of keep me out of the loop, because they know I can't drink. Not even one beer. It feels like, when my brother is home, they isolate themselves from me. So they can drink uncensored. I think, too, they don't want me to know because of my own addiction issues.
Well, the other day, my bro skyped me, and he was telling me that he knows he has a problem with drinking and that he wants to slow down. Not stop, just take it easy. But, of course, we all know how that usually works out. He was telling me that he didn't drink for 4 days in a row last week, and how happy he was about that. I can see that he's torn between wanting to quit drinking completely, but thinking that he can moderate instead. He said he doesn't want the hangovers anymore, that he wants to be a good dad and a good husband. He was asking for my opinion and my advice, but I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to be too hard, but I don't want to tell him everything is okay, when I know it's not. And, he is thinking about all this now because his ex wife, B, died a while back from a heroin overdose. And because he's seen what alcohol has done to his whole family. Drugs, too.
So, my question is.....How do I handle this situation?? He's opened the door for me with being willing to have a conversation about his drinking, but what do I say to keep the door open?? He won't go to AA. He already told me he wouldn't because he hated going when he was court ordered to. He lives so far away that I can't seem to keep regular communication with him. His wife doesn't drink, and she hates it that he does, so I know I have an ally there. But, I don't know what to do next. Is there anything I can do to help him quit?? Is just being there and listening enough?? I don't want to push him away by being overly anything. I just, honestly, don't know what to do. What would you do if it were your brother??
Thank you so much for reading. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Sadly, I believe your brother will have to make the choice to stop drinking himself. You can help in the sense that you can let him know you are there for him to talk to, but the rest is up to him. I have been in the same position you are in so I do know how hard this is.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by sugarangel 
But, I don't know what to do next. Is there anything I can do to help him quit?? Is just being there and listening enough?? I don't want to push him away by being overly anything. I just, honestly, don't know what to do. What would you do if it were your brother??
Thank you so much for reading. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much for reading. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.
you could share the underlying issues ya had- the thinking thing.
as for me if it was my brother-welp, iffen he called me and opened up he had a problem with alcohol and wanted to slow down, i think id first laugh and say,"good luck with that one. you know how well i did with that."
id probably ask something like," if you could slow down, dont ya think ya would have already? if you could slow down and control it, do ya think youd have a problem now?"
and share my experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Thanks guys so much. I kind of figured there wasn't a lot I could do. I just keep thinking that he knows my past, and what I've been through. And because of some of my choices, we weren't really talking at all there for a while. But, now we are, and he is asking for my opinion. Not my mom. Me. That is so huge for him and I, and I just don't want to do anything to push him away again. But, I have to tell you, it was a strange experience hearing him talk about his drinking and wanting to moderate and everything. It was like listening to myself. He was saying all the things I said, trying all the things I tried, to quit drinking that I know won't work. And I so want to save him all the pain and heartache I went through. I was hoping he'd learn from my mistakes. But, you guys are confirming what I already was thinking. That being there for him and making sure he knows I would do anything to help him is probably all I can do.
It's just so incredibly hard. It's like watching something beautiful burn to the ground, knowing you have a way to stop the fire.
It's just so incredibly hard. It's like watching something beautiful burn to the ground, knowing you have a way to stop the fire.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by sugarangel
<snip> It's like watching something beautiful burn to the ground, knowing you have a way to stop the fire.
Be the change you want to see in the world [in your brother] SA. That's all any of us can do.
Hugs and prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate all the advice. I really like the idea of living my life in a way that's a good example for my brother. I have done so many wrong things with him, it would be nice to show him something else. That there's a better way to live that doesn't include blackouts and hangovers and regret.
I think it will also help me to stay sober. He doesn't like meetings, but the last time he was here, he said he would go to support me. So, maybe I can get him to go with me the next time he is home and see what happens. Ya never know!! I'm hoping he will surprise me and say yes.....
I think it will also help me to stay sober. He doesn't like meetings, but the last time he was here, he said he would go to support me. So, maybe I can get him to go with me the next time he is home and see what happens. Ya never know!! I'm hoping he will surprise me and say yes.....
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
As the alcoholic brother in my family, I try to imagine what sentiments I would find helpful and encouraging. I think your best hope is simply sharing your own experience, talking up how much better you feel, how much easier your life is, without alcohol. It's what I do with close friends who are "circling sobriety" and thinking of making changes.
You're a very good sister!
You're a very good sister!
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Sounds to me like your brother is a reasonably intelligent guy, despite all that he has been through. I agree with all the others that say that your brother needs to make this choice on his own and for himself. Nonetheless, he obviously values your input and, hopefully, that will be one factor in his decision. It seems to me like you need to thread the needle a bit - you need to make your point clearly that moderation is very unlikely to work without coming across as to pushy or preachy. In my view, the best way to do that is to share your own experiences with him (while being careful not to suggest that your way is the only way) and also perhaps presenting him with some research showing that moderation rarely works for the addict. I can also say that there are a lot of ways to quit without AA, so I'd be very careful about trying to advocate for AA. When I started down this road, I was quite opposed to AA and I discounted anyone who strongly advocated for AA. He might do the same. (As an aside, my views have changed; I have never attended AA but I have seen the benefits of AA in others and I recognize it for what it is - a really good association of volunteers trying hard to help others). Finally, take care of yourself. You've been down this road and you know that your brother needs to make his own decisions for himself. You can provide input but you cannot make the decisions for him. Make sure that you have protected yourself in the event that his efforts to recover are not successful. Good luck. Sounds like you are a great sibling to your little brother.
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