Codependency helped my friend die.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Codependency helped my friend die.
Long story short. I run a tire shop. I need wholesale delivery drivers. I hired a friend I graduated from highschool with. We instantly clicked because her boyfriend was a heroin addict. Being my codie and helpful self I decided to help her. Initially I didn't give her the job to help her, it was a position I really needed filled and she was very good at it.
She immediately shared very deep and personal information about her life and her boyfriend that I can't imagine she told anyone else. Things about his abuse as a child. Things about her abuse as a child. I shared selectively about my own past.
She posted once here on the forum screen name Honee331. I commented on it at the time.
She was trying to hold her family together. She had a very serious heart defect. She had surgery to correct it. (1 of 3) surgeries she would be getting. There was a 10% chance of getting a clot or another stroke. She was 33 by the way. The day of her surgery her boyfriend couldn't go with her because he "he had to work". AKA - get as high as he could afford. He got arrested while she was having surgery. They found him passed out in a car and arrested him and brought him into a hospital. His father paid for an attorney and he was released. Five days after he is home she died in her bathroom. She was not a heroin addict. She was a person addict. She put his wants and needs above her own. She didn't have anyone taking care of her - nor would she allow anyone to take care of her. Her mother was watching her baby for her 3-5 days (and overnights) a week. She had a very serious medical condition. The baby is 1 years old and lost her mom. The coroner report will say aneurism or stroke.... but I know why she died. I know that it was lack of self care. I know it was because she put herself last. Now, she doesn't have a life. I was unwilling to accept how much this affected me at first. We worked together for 6 months and graduated from the same highschool - and same year.
Long story short. Codependency does kill people, but they won't put that on your death certificate.
Feeling sad. Felt I needed to share... for anyone who doesn't believe that codependency is serious.
She immediately shared very deep and personal information about her life and her boyfriend that I can't imagine she told anyone else. Things about his abuse as a child. Things about her abuse as a child. I shared selectively about my own past.
She posted once here on the forum screen name Honee331. I commented on it at the time.
She was trying to hold her family together. She had a very serious heart defect. She had surgery to correct it. (1 of 3) surgeries she would be getting. There was a 10% chance of getting a clot or another stroke. She was 33 by the way. The day of her surgery her boyfriend couldn't go with her because he "he had to work". AKA - get as high as he could afford. He got arrested while she was having surgery. They found him passed out in a car and arrested him and brought him into a hospital. His father paid for an attorney and he was released. Five days after he is home she died in her bathroom. She was not a heroin addict. She was a person addict. She put his wants and needs above her own. She didn't have anyone taking care of her - nor would she allow anyone to take care of her. Her mother was watching her baby for her 3-5 days (and overnights) a week. She had a very serious medical condition. The baby is 1 years old and lost her mom. The coroner report will say aneurism or stroke.... but I know why she died. I know that it was lack of self care. I know it was because she put herself last. Now, she doesn't have a life. I was unwilling to accept how much this affected me at first. We worked together for 6 months and graduated from the same highschool - and same year.
Long story short. Codependency does kill people, but they won't put that on your death certificate.
Feeling sad. Felt I needed to share... for anyone who doesn't believe that codependency is serious.
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My main reason for blaming codependency which I left out of the post was the fact that she wasn't taking her medication. He got her car impounded. She wasn't able to focus on getting her medicine and taking care of herself because she was so worried about getting to see him in jail, and at court. She literally neglected herself after the surgery to worry and take care of him. Meanwhile he was in jail and going to court because he was so selfishly getting high. After she passed, they found her pill bottles, and her pills didn't add up. She was forgetting to take them.... or not taking them. So, yes, there was a 10% risk for death from the surgery... but she upped her odds by not taking care of herself. Directly because of codependency. 
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Location: The Beach
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This is a heartbreaking story. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. My heart breaks for her family, especially her child.
I do believe codependency kills, I see it happening to my mum. She is just as sick as any of the addicts/alcoholics I've known.
It is so sad the things we codies will do to "help" (*eye roll*) others while we neglect ourselves. Bloody awful.
I do believe codependency kills, I see it happening to my mum. She is just as sick as any of the addicts/alcoholics I've known.
It is so sad the things we codies will do to "help" (*eye roll*) others while we neglect ourselves. Bloody awful.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Posts: 60,328
My heart hurt for you and I am so very sorry about your friend.
She sounds like I used to be, I ignored my own health trying to keep up with my son's addiction and it came close to killing me too. Luckily it opened my eyes and I was able to change paths.
I know two people in the real world who also died as codependents, not addicts. One got shot in the crossfire of a drive by, the other (who was my sponsee at the time) threw herself in front of a subway train.
Addiction kills, codependency kills, not taking good care of ourselves, mentally, physically and spiritually, when we need to most...kills.
KeepingItReal, thank you for sharing this here. It is a topic we rarely discuss and important for each one of us to consider.
She sounds like I used to be, I ignored my own health trying to keep up with my son's addiction and it came close to killing me too. Luckily it opened my eyes and I was able to change paths.
I know two people in the real world who also died as codependents, not addicts. One got shot in the crossfire of a drive by, the other (who was my sponsee at the time) threw herself in front of a subway train.
Addiction kills, codependency kills, not taking good care of ourselves, mentally, physically and spiritually, when we need to most...kills.
KeepingItReal, thank you for sharing this here. It is a topic we rarely discuss and important for each one of us to consider.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm so sorry. Codependency really does kill. I remember looking at myself in the mirror after I left my ex-husband, and really being scared of what I saw. It was like I was seeing for the first time how sick I'd really let myself get. I'd lost so much weight I looked more like a drug addict than he did.
I hope you can find some peace in all of this. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I hope you can find some peace in all of this. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you are okay and looking after yourself. Addiction has collateral damage. When I was still with my AH, I used to say that if he didn't stop, one day I would be so stressed I would die of a stroke and him of an overdose. It must be common for co-dependents to develop heart-related complications. I will say a prayer for you and your friend.
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Thank you all for your kind words. I'm not letting this tragedy bring me down. The boyfriend (heroin addict) over dosed and died 2 days after she died. (from not taking medications/complications from heart defect). He died from a heroin overdose in his fathers bathroom. They were not able to turn his brain back on in the hospital. I assume he had lost too much oxygen. They did donate many parts of his body which benefits many others. His poor mother. She really was the sweetest woman.
His father is now going around our town and telling people that my friend was a heroin addict. Even though it is HIS SON that was. Why would he do this? Why would he petition the court and try to take custody of the baby when he is an ALCOHOLIC. This is because of selfishness.
My friends daughter is being cared for by her sister, a school teacher. She is in her 40's and never met mr. right. She owns her own home and has no children of her own (besides her sisters baby). Her mother lives with her and is going to be a full time babysitter. The boyfriends father lives in a mechanic garage and has had 3 DWI's in the past. I'm sure the court will not let him take the baby... but is dragging them in and out of court.
It's been taking a lot from me to keep a loving heart. To not be full of rage. I am angry, but anger will not help me. I have recently harnessed some of this emotion into ideas for making MY life better. I am still seeking recovery everyday. I have looked into schools to finish my bachelors degree online.
Thank you for the kind words. It has been a difficult summer. But look, i'm still here, still trying, never giving up on me. : )
His father is now going around our town and telling people that my friend was a heroin addict. Even though it is HIS SON that was. Why would he do this? Why would he petition the court and try to take custody of the baby when he is an ALCOHOLIC. This is because of selfishness.
My friends daughter is being cared for by her sister, a school teacher. She is in her 40's and never met mr. right. She owns her own home and has no children of her own (besides her sisters baby). Her mother lives with her and is going to be a full time babysitter. The boyfriends father lives in a mechanic garage and has had 3 DWI's in the past. I'm sure the court will not let him take the baby... but is dragging them in and out of court.
It's been taking a lot from me to keep a loving heart. To not be full of rage. I am angry, but anger will not help me. I have recently harnessed some of this emotion into ideas for making MY life better. I am still seeking recovery everyday. I have looked into schools to finish my bachelors degree online.
Thank you for the kind words. It has been a difficult summer. But look, i'm still here, still trying, never giving up on me. : )
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