1brightlight

Three months ago I met a man who I get along with real well. In the three months three times he has become incommunicado because he is hiding in his house binge drinking. The first time I did not know he was doing that. The second time I knew and became involved in some of the drama with his family. I told him the next time is the last time and I will detach from him as a friend as I did not want to be involved in the insanity of alcoholism. Now it is the third time, he has been incommunicado for a week and I know he is in his apartment binge drinking again. I am so torn because he is a nice person and we get along so well, so I am vacillating about whether or not I should continue the friendship. When he resurfaces I will be conflicted as to whether or not I should continue our frienship. I would appreciate some input, thoughts, or opinions.

doggonecarl

I suggest you keep to your promise.

Dee74

Hi and welcoem ibrightlight
I've moved your post to our main newcomers forum for more response

I think, however good this man is when sober, there's a third player in your relationship - addiction.

As hard as it might be to choose, I think you need to make the decision whether you want this complication in your life or not.

I think, having made the ultimatum, it would be in your best interests to follow through with it - but only you can make that call.

You'll find lots of support & understanding here

D

Maudcat

Hi, 1brightlight.
Welcome.
Best to walk away, I think.
Sadly, you can't help him. Wish you could.
Relationships with addicts, whether they are familial, friendships, or marriages tend to be rather fraught, to say the least.
It's easy to get into an enabling pattern, which helps no one.
Peace.

Obladi

I agree with all of the above. Taking on the complications of addictions after just three months of friendship is not wise nor will it likely do either of you any good. A lot of alcoholics are very nice people - that doesn't change the fact that when we are in active addiction we are a miserable and disordered lot.

Done4today

I suggest you check out Al anon meetings if you can't make your decision yet. I personally would take him a new comers package from AA and tell him good luck in life. Good luck

SimplyFree

Addictions are a professional thief! It will suck you beyond empty. Move on. I like Done4's comment.

least

I would make good on your promise to end the friendship. Alcoholics are difficult, to say the least, and I don't think you'd want your life to devolve into that kind of relationship.

August252015

Agree with the others - I am ruthless about who gets my time and energy, a seat at my table so to speak. Anyone I choose to have contact with and especially give emotional energy to as a friend, is trying to live their best lives- and this particularly applies to active v recovering alcoholics. That latter category is a treasure trove of support (the mutual kind) and the former is where I just don't visit. Even with recovering friends- particularly newer than me- sometimes boundaries have to be made, with love.

Sounds like you know what to do.

Bunny211

Yes. I ended a relationship with someone who drank too much. I take care of myself and my sobriety first and foremost.

hpdw

Spot on . I,m sorry for your predicament and wish I could offer better advice but will your freind change . Not an easy decision but I tend to go with letting him go .
My youngest son and his GF are going through similar and its hard either way .

1brightlight

I too am ruthless about to whom I devote my time and energy. I know that it is right for me to disconnect from this person, that is the logic, the emotinal side says, they need a friend, they are a good person, I can handle this blah blah blah. I know it will be an emotional roller coaster with this person and they are not even attempting to work the program (AA.) He told me he has been in seven different treatment programs. I do wish for him that he can beat his demons and I know not love nor money will make a difference, it is up to him.

And I have to acknowledge that part of my indecision is because I have just moved here and would like a friend, and once again logic says one thing and emotions say another.
Thank you for your input. I meditate that I have the courage to do what is best. The answers to my post have given good insight when I needed it the most.

Berrybean

Maybe focus less on the problem (Him, and lack of friends) and move on to looking towards the solution - Making new friends who are emotionally available to be friends back.

Volunteering; clubs; groups of various kinds; courses - there's all kinds of ways to make new friends.

Are you in recovery yourself, or were you drawn here because of concerns about your 'friend'? If you are, then AA is a grreat place to meet others who would prefer to socialise without alcohol as a focus.

BB

Maudcat

I don't know your friend, 1bright, and this is my opinion only, for what it is worth.
I think alcohol addicts are very good at latching on to someone new.
Maybe they think the friendship can help them curb their drinking.
Maybe they are just lonely.
Alcohol addiction is an isolating, lonely place.
Agree with Berry. Give this one a pass and work on meeting healthy people.
I have met many new friends through volunteering at an environmental organization.
I also belong to Mass. Audubon and go on their walks.
Just a thought.