Being a better person.

Old 10-24-2004, 11:07 AM
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Being a better person.

Some time back, a (male) friend of mine and I were talking. I can't recall the exact conversation we were having, but I do remember that it was about friendship and how other people make us feel sometimes.
This type of conversation was pretty normal actually. At the time, I was working with a very diverse group of people and we discussed all kinds of things. I learned a lot from those people and I miss them very much now that I no longer work with them.
Anyways...I'm getting off the subject here. Sorry!
So, anyways, I remember during that conversation that I had told my friend that he made me want to be a better person.
Anyways...
Last night my son and I were watching a movie. (American Wedding, actually) And there is a part in the movie where this topic is brought up! And I was kind of floored by it. I had seen the movie before, but somehow I hadn't had any major thoughts about it at the time.
Well, it's been bugging me ever since I watched the movie.
My AH doesn't make me want to be a better person! In truth, he has often times brough the very worst out in me! Our relationship was often times toxic for me followed by that "make up" period where he would try to make things right again. Of course you know how that goes....the cycle would continue with him playing the roles of Jekyll and Hyde.
So I've been thinking about my feelings I have for this friend of mine. Thinking about how I've also weeded out the negative toxic people that I had in my life over this past year. How far I've come in my own recovery!
I remember telling my best friend some time back how my AH once told me that my having gotten that job was the best thing I had done for me. How I had made some really good friends, liked my job, etc. I always thought that yes, getting that job really was a great thing for me, but also was one of the worst things for my AH. Because it was there that I started to get my independance back, it was there that I made some very wonderful friends that supported me when I needed friends, it was there that I saw that not all marriages were not like mine and what I had grown used too as "normal" was not normal at all. And it was because of these people in my life that I think I really started looking very closely at my marriage, my relationship to other people, etc. And it was because of the people in my life, that I began to see myself as they did. And learned a little about self-respect and the true actions of caring, friendship, kindness, and even love.
I realize that I'm rambling. I guess because I'm really starting to realize that I want to be a better person! And my AH never made me feel like I wanted too. And being with him, I wasn't inspired to feel that way either! I remember years ago when I was trying to find my spiritual path and find God in my life, AH really didn't like it. He admitted to his Dad (a pastor) last year how he had pushed me away from it. Honestly, I had forgotten about that until I found out about his conversation with his Dad.
He never encouraged me to be a better person.
Wow! I sit here now just in shock as I realize this. How very sad that the person I loved, gave my life too, etc. for all these years really didn't inspire me to be the best person I could be, who held me back, etc. Heck, I even remember one time that AH told me that he kind of resented me because when we got married, I moved on and grew up and he felt like I had left him behind.
Maybe it's time I just let him go for good and stop all this nonsense of self-doubting. Maybe it's time that I truly set out to be the best person I can be. Maybe it's time I realize that AH didn't give me enough and though it does hurt, maybe I didn't give myself enough either.
And I won't even go into the thoughts that I'm having about the friend that I told makes me want to be a better person!!!!!!
I think maybe I've been in denial about ALOT of things.

I don't know. I realize this is long and I probably am rambling alot. I apologize, and if you've managed to read this far, thank you! (lol)
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Old 10-24-2004, 11:47 AM
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Me thinks you're a great person :-)

And I think the most important person who has to encourage _me_ to be a better person is _me_. 'course, it sure helps if your spouse is also your cheering squad.

In the meantime, we'll be your cheering squad over here on SR, whadya think?

Mike :-)
(who can't find the cheerleader animation)
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Old 10-24-2004, 12:00 PM
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Good post Standing. It's the people who get to know the best part of me and won't settle for anything less that keep me centered.
And yes Mike, if I'm not encouraging me to be the best person I can be...all the encouraging friends in the world won't help.
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Old 10-24-2004, 12:51 PM
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Here you go Mike. I can't stand this woman myself so please, take her!

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