Two months in Alanon and I'm wondering...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Two months in Alanon and I'm wondering...
Hi everyone! It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been back at work and I haven't had 5 minutes to focus on myself, but I have been attending alanon once a week.
I shopped around several meetings and I've found one that is really focused on recovery. I really enjoy going to the meeting, but I find it strange that I have not met ONE person at alanon who is dealing with an addict spouse.
80% of people I've met in Alanon have an alcoholic parent or sibling. Some have an addict child. Many are also in AA and attend alanon to help them relate to their sponsees in AA.
I've also met several people in alanon who DO NOT have an alcoholic in their lives, but they feel they need alanon to help them deal with other difficult people in their lives.
I find it interesting, because most people on this board have alcoholic SO's.
I know it's important to focus on the similarities, and I do. But I have to admit that I feel a little out of place. Has anyone else noticed this where you are?
I shopped around several meetings and I've found one that is really focused on recovery. I really enjoy going to the meeting, but I find it strange that I have not met ONE person at alanon who is dealing with an addict spouse.
80% of people I've met in Alanon have an alcoholic parent or sibling. Some have an addict child. Many are also in AA and attend alanon to help them relate to their sponsees in AA.
I've also met several people in alanon who DO NOT have an alcoholic in their lives, but they feel they need alanon to help them deal with other difficult people in their lives.
I find it interesting, because most people on this board have alcoholic SO's.
I know it's important to focus on the similarities, and I do. But I have to admit that I feel a little out of place. Has anyone else noticed this where you are?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
I felt very out of place as well. I went for over a year and finally quit going to f2f mtgs. I felt like no one really spoke their mind about all the crap that comes with living with an active alcoholicand when i did i was told (in front of everyone) i had an ego problem. Later on I learned that 8 out of the ten people who attended that meeting were recovering alcoholics. I never felt welcomed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 48
Hmmmm...good to know. So far I've tried two listed Alanon meetings in my town and nobody showed. The AA meetings are packed so I thought the Alanon meetings would be too. Guess I'll have to go out of town. And even then...I really hope to find people dealing with SOs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
The ones I've been to have had a mix of people - parents of alcoholic kids, adult children of alcoholics, alcoholic spouses (some drinking, some not). It seems to vary by meeting - I'd been going to one which met on a weekday morning, so it has a lot of retired people (who aren't at work), mainly dealing with their own adult children who are addicts. Another one on Saturday afternoons has a broader mix of people (including younger people who work during the week and parents who have kids in the Alateen meeting that runs at the same time).
One thing that puts me off a little bit is how cheery the meetings can be - everyone who "shares" seems to have everything figured out and their "shares" are mainly testimonials to how great the programme is, comparing their unhealthy behavior and attitudes before AlAnon to their much healthier behavior and attitudes now. This morning someone was going on about how thanks to AlAnon she knows that life just keeps on getting better and I thought (but did not say), "not really, sometimes it gets worse".
But overall, AlAnon has been really good for me, even though I've only been going for a couple of months.
One thing that puts me off a little bit is how cheery the meetings can be - everyone who "shares" seems to have everything figured out and their "shares" are mainly testimonials to how great the programme is, comparing their unhealthy behavior and attitudes before AlAnon to their much healthier behavior and attitudes now. This morning someone was going on about how thanks to AlAnon she knows that life just keeps on getting better and I thought (but did not say), "not really, sometimes it gets worse".
But overall, AlAnon has been really good for me, even though I've only been going for a couple of months.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Yeah, I've been to several meetings. One meeting was not ACOA, but it was ONLY children of alcoholics complaining about their parents. Or sharing about how they navigated awkward social situations at work, let's say, using tools from the program.
Personally, I don't think I'm "co-dependent." I don't nag, scold, count bottles, etc... I don't try to get people to do things my way. I'm the opposite. I'm a doormat. I let people use me because I don't have a backbone or a healthy self-esteem.
I feel like a healthy person would walk away from a bad marriage, but I struggle to leave unhealthy situations because I criticize myself and feel like I'm being "mean." Or that I will make the wrong choice.
I'm currently separated, but still in close proximity to AH and not filing for divorce yet. Mostly because of finances and other kid-related things that seem to never get resolved. Like, I need him to drive them to school in the mornings because I don't have another reliable option. I don't believe he drinks in the mornings, but if that becomes an issue, life will get very complicated for me. I have to leave for work at 6:00 am!
Anyway, I do feel a little bit less like a doormat every time I go and it has benefitted me. I haven't found a sponsor yet because I'm looking for someone who is dealing with a situation closer to my own. I'm studying the steps on my own.
Personally, I don't think I'm "co-dependent." I don't nag, scold, count bottles, etc... I don't try to get people to do things my way. I'm the opposite. I'm a doormat. I let people use me because I don't have a backbone or a healthy self-esteem.
I feel like a healthy person would walk away from a bad marriage, but I struggle to leave unhealthy situations because I criticize myself and feel like I'm being "mean." Or that I will make the wrong choice.
I'm currently separated, but still in close proximity to AH and not filing for divorce yet. Mostly because of finances and other kid-related things that seem to never get resolved. Like, I need him to drive them to school in the mornings because I don't have another reliable option. I don't believe he drinks in the mornings, but if that becomes an issue, life will get very complicated for me. I have to leave for work at 6:00 am!
Anyway, I do feel a little bit less like a doormat every time I go and it has benefitted me. I haven't found a sponsor yet because I'm looking for someone who is dealing with a situation closer to my own. I'm studying the steps on my own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wf,
I would highly recommend you keep going. If you get one sentence or one word out of a meeting that will help you that day, it is worth that hour.
Codependent doesn't necessarily mean you are a nag or demanding. It's exactly what you are saying you are a "door mat". You allow your addict to step over you for their own pleasure with out any regards to what you want. You soften the blow of consequences for your addict. You make their life easier so they can continue to what they do. IMO you are a typical codependent.
What you learn in alanon is how to step out of their way and not to cushion their feet on your door mat. You will learn life long "rules" to live by not just in a relationship but for a business or family relations. One day it will all make sense. Hugs. It works when you work it!!
I would highly recommend you keep going. If you get one sentence or one word out of a meeting that will help you that day, it is worth that hour.
Codependent doesn't necessarily mean you are a nag or demanding. It's exactly what you are saying you are a "door mat". You allow your addict to step over you for their own pleasure with out any regards to what you want. You soften the blow of consequences for your addict. You make their life easier so they can continue to what they do. IMO you are a typical codependent.
What you learn in alanon is how to step out of their way and not to cushion their feet on your door mat. You will learn life long "rules" to live by not just in a relationship but for a business or family relations. One day it will all make sense. Hugs. It works when you work it!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Even though I have gotten a lot from Alanon and strongly recommend that people check into it for f2f support, I can relate to some of the negative comments here.
rae, what you describe should never have happened. Alanon does NOT support or recommend that kind of action. It was totally on the individual(s) who did it. The strength AND the weakness of Alanon is that it's made up of individuals, and some of those individuals will be helpful, kind, wise, and humble while others will NOT be...
One Saturday afternoon, I was feeling bad and decided a meeting would help. I found only one Saturday PM meeting, so the choice was easy. It was held in conjunction w/an AA meeting, and the AA folk directed me to the proper room for my meeting. When I walked in, there was only 1 woman there. I was hoping for a larger meeting, but thought "well, one never knows, maybe this is exactly what is supposed to happen."
So, long story short, we did a brief opening, Serenity Prayer, etc., and then this woman rambled on and on and on about things I couldn't even follow--every now and then she'd throw in some Alanon phrase, but mostly just wandering stories going nowhere. After 45 minutes of this, she must have noticed me reaching for my hat and coat and quickly said "OK, now it's YOUR turn!" I said "I'm actually not feeling well and am going to go home, thanks for your time", and skedaddled. Not a whole lot of ES&H there, for sure!
I later heard from some other Alanon folk that this meeting is only ever this woman and maybe one other person. It was a minor inconvenience for me b/c I had other sources of support and had been to enough meetings to KNOW that this was not usual or normal or even right, but holy cow, what if I'd been a newbie in crisis, desperate for help, finally getting up the courage to go to Alanon, and THAT was what I'd found? One experience like that could certainly turn a person off to Alanon forever, if he/she didn't have anything to compare it with. I see this "meeting" is no longer listed, so perhaps someone came to the same conclusion that I did and removed it from the local directory.
Anyway, my long-winded point here is that if a meeting is not meeting your needs in a big way, like what rae described or like my experience w/the Saturday PM "meeting", then looking for a different one is probably a good idea. If the problem is more of an annoyance (one member who routinely talks for 15 minutes every time they share, for instance), then either just overlooking it or going through channels (usually a Group Conscience proceeding) to address it may be better answers.
One of the things I learned fairly early was that the meeting that was closest to my home or at the most convenient time was not necessarily the one that I got the greatest benefit from. Some meetings are quite large, some are quite small, many are in between. Some are book studies (which I tend to like), others use other formats. B/c my work schedule changed several times during my first year or two of recovery, I was forced to continually check out different meetings, and while I didn't get the continuity of going to one group all the time, I DID benefit from seeing just how wide the variety of meetings really was.
The two things I think are most important as far as finding help in Alanon are these:
1) The Alanon phrase that I've heard in the opening and/or closing of every meeting I've been to: "Take what you like and leave the rest." I have almost never attended a meeting and not received at least one little nugget of wisdom or peace or insight. I've also almost never been to a meeting and not heard something I thought was silly or off base or just plain wrong--but that's what I leave, not what I take.
2) Another Alanon phrase that maia used: "It works if you work it." Going to Alanon isn't like taking my car to the garage, where someone else does the work and I drive off w/a car that's all fixed now. I am both the car and the mechanic (wow, deep, hey?)--I need to do the work on myself. And what I get out of Alanon depends to a large degree on what I put in. I come early to help set up for the meeting sometimes. I stay late to help clean up sometimes. I sign up to be the meeting leader sometimes. I sign up to speak on a topic or step sometimes. Just going and sitting there was NOT helping me. I had to get outside of my comfort zone and actually take part--yikes!
WF, codependency may indeed not be what you think it is. I know it certainly wasn't what I thought it was! This article might help explain: https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/
For me, recovery is coming as a combination of SR, Alanon, and tons of reading, both online and regular old-fashioned books. Bits and pieces that I find helpful can appear ANYWHERE--once your inner radio is tuned to recovery, it's amazing what can be received. I hope all who posted here are able to find a path that works for them.
rae, what you describe should never have happened. Alanon does NOT support or recommend that kind of action. It was totally on the individual(s) who did it. The strength AND the weakness of Alanon is that it's made up of individuals, and some of those individuals will be helpful, kind, wise, and humble while others will NOT be...
One Saturday afternoon, I was feeling bad and decided a meeting would help. I found only one Saturday PM meeting, so the choice was easy. It was held in conjunction w/an AA meeting, and the AA folk directed me to the proper room for my meeting. When I walked in, there was only 1 woman there. I was hoping for a larger meeting, but thought "well, one never knows, maybe this is exactly what is supposed to happen."
So, long story short, we did a brief opening, Serenity Prayer, etc., and then this woman rambled on and on and on about things I couldn't even follow--every now and then she'd throw in some Alanon phrase, but mostly just wandering stories going nowhere. After 45 minutes of this, she must have noticed me reaching for my hat and coat and quickly said "OK, now it's YOUR turn!" I said "I'm actually not feeling well and am going to go home, thanks for your time", and skedaddled. Not a whole lot of ES&H there, for sure!
I later heard from some other Alanon folk that this meeting is only ever this woman and maybe one other person. It was a minor inconvenience for me b/c I had other sources of support and had been to enough meetings to KNOW that this was not usual or normal or even right, but holy cow, what if I'd been a newbie in crisis, desperate for help, finally getting up the courage to go to Alanon, and THAT was what I'd found? One experience like that could certainly turn a person off to Alanon forever, if he/she didn't have anything to compare it with. I see this "meeting" is no longer listed, so perhaps someone came to the same conclusion that I did and removed it from the local directory.
Anyway, my long-winded point here is that if a meeting is not meeting your needs in a big way, like what rae described or like my experience w/the Saturday PM "meeting", then looking for a different one is probably a good idea. If the problem is more of an annoyance (one member who routinely talks for 15 minutes every time they share, for instance), then either just overlooking it or going through channels (usually a Group Conscience proceeding) to address it may be better answers.
One of the things I learned fairly early was that the meeting that was closest to my home or at the most convenient time was not necessarily the one that I got the greatest benefit from. Some meetings are quite large, some are quite small, many are in between. Some are book studies (which I tend to like), others use other formats. B/c my work schedule changed several times during my first year or two of recovery, I was forced to continually check out different meetings, and while I didn't get the continuity of going to one group all the time, I DID benefit from seeing just how wide the variety of meetings really was.
The two things I think are most important as far as finding help in Alanon are these:
1) The Alanon phrase that I've heard in the opening and/or closing of every meeting I've been to: "Take what you like and leave the rest." I have almost never attended a meeting and not received at least one little nugget of wisdom or peace or insight. I've also almost never been to a meeting and not heard something I thought was silly or off base or just plain wrong--but that's what I leave, not what I take.
2) Another Alanon phrase that maia used: "It works if you work it." Going to Alanon isn't like taking my car to the garage, where someone else does the work and I drive off w/a car that's all fixed now. I am both the car and the mechanic (wow, deep, hey?)--I need to do the work on myself. And what I get out of Alanon depends to a large degree on what I put in. I come early to help set up for the meeting sometimes. I stay late to help clean up sometimes. I sign up to be the meeting leader sometimes. I sign up to speak on a topic or step sometimes. Just going and sitting there was NOT helping me. I had to get outside of my comfort zone and actually take part--yikes!
WF, codependency may indeed not be what you think it is. I know it certainly wasn't what I thought it was! This article might help explain: https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/
For me, recovery is coming as a combination of SR, Alanon, and tons of reading, both online and regular old-fashioned books. Bits and pieces that I find helpful can appear ANYWHERE--once your inner radio is tuned to recovery, it's amazing what can be received. I hope all who posted here are able to find a path that works for them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I have been to a lot of Al-Anon meetings in the last several years.
Some were awesome, others not so much.
I like large meetings with lots of diversity, that follow a step, speaker, tradition step format.
I like to hear people's stories, so anniversary meetings are right up my alley.
I don't care for small meetings.
But that's me.
Some were awesome, others not so much.
I like large meetings with lots of diversity, that follow a step, speaker, tradition step format.
I like to hear people's stories, so anniversary meetings are right up my alley.
I don't care for small meetings.
But that's me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
WhiteFeathers-
I found something similar in my local Alanon groups. I went into Alanon due to problem drinker in my ex-husband. I stay though because I have a number of problem drinkers/addicts in my life (which I did not realize prior to Alanon) and if I don't continue my recovery I get hooked into something that is not mine. I also struggle sometimes in my Alanon group because I am the only person in my generation that regularly attends (I mean I am decades younger).
A couple of things that helped me with this was talking to my therapists about some of my discomforts when I felt "different" from the group. Now to be clear my therapist is well versed in Alanon so she could help. I had a lot of those pieces about the group the first number of years, who was in it, what kind of relationship, feeling like some of it was "rule" based, and frankly not always understanding some of the concepts (or interpreting them in a ways that made them harmful to me). I am grateful that I had her. She helped me to realize that I did not always have to agree with the concepts, traditions etc of Alanon, but that if I was triggered by something in Alanon it was probably something I needed to further examine and look at. For me previously not following the "rules," usually meant I was "bad." This gave me perspective that questioning things helped to deepen my own recovery.
The second part that helped was time. As I got better I got more comfortable with the concepts, who was there, and that not only was I on an individual recovery journey, but that the group and all of us in the group were on our own journey as well.
I found something similar in my local Alanon groups. I went into Alanon due to problem drinker in my ex-husband. I stay though because I have a number of problem drinkers/addicts in my life (which I did not realize prior to Alanon) and if I don't continue my recovery I get hooked into something that is not mine. I also struggle sometimes in my Alanon group because I am the only person in my generation that regularly attends (I mean I am decades younger).
A couple of things that helped me with this was talking to my therapists about some of my discomforts when I felt "different" from the group. Now to be clear my therapist is well versed in Alanon so she could help. I had a lot of those pieces about the group the first number of years, who was in it, what kind of relationship, feeling like some of it was "rule" based, and frankly not always understanding some of the concepts (or interpreting them in a ways that made them harmful to me). I am grateful that I had her. She helped me to realize that I did not always have to agree with the concepts, traditions etc of Alanon, but that if I was triggered by something in Alanon it was probably something I needed to further examine and look at. For me previously not following the "rules," usually meant I was "bad." This gave me perspective that questioning things helped to deepen my own recovery.
The second part that helped was time. As I got better I got more comfortable with the concepts, who was there, and that not only was I on an individual recovery journey, but that the group and all of us in the group were on our own journey as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
That is so true, LifeRecovery!
Al-Anon helped me so much with insight about my family.
It also really helped me to stop being such a people pleaser and to recognize that everyone has their stuff.
Their stuff is theirs, not mine.
Priceless.
Al-Anon helped me so much with insight about my family.
It also really helped me to stop being such a people pleaser and to recognize that everyone has their stuff.
Their stuff is theirs, not mine.
Priceless.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I don't get to attend a lot of f2f meetings; but I love them.
They stretch my recovery -
these meetings help me sharpen my recovery tools in a safe environment.
I learn to detach, I learn to listen to learn not listen to respond, I learn not to judge, but to show healthy compassion, I learn how others use the tools, literature and meetings to further their recovery or in some case how they don't so I can learn what NOT to do.
An old time shared "I can grow from any experience. It's up to me if I want to grow in resentments or in recovery"
I'm just sharing my experience, strength & hope - please know this is just what worked for me - I hope that each of you find what works for you to give you peace, hope and serenity.
PINK HUGS
They stretch my recovery -
these meetings help me sharpen my recovery tools in a safe environment.
I learn to detach, I learn to listen to learn not listen to respond, I learn not to judge, but to show healthy compassion, I learn how others use the tools, literature and meetings to further their recovery or in some case how they don't so I can learn what NOT to do.
An old time shared "I can grow from any experience. It's up to me if I want to grow in resentments or in recovery"
I'm just sharing my experience, strength & hope - please know this is just what worked for me - I hope that each of you find what works for you to give you peace, hope and serenity.
PINK HUGS
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
For what it's worth, I've found that my attendance at AlAnon has really helped me in the most recent disaster with ex (with whom I have a daughter). Before AlAnon I would have been "futurizing" and trying to control what happened next: trying to locate him (he's disappeared), calling shelters and ERs, contacting his few remaining friends, rehearsing what I was going to say to him when I caught up with him, etc etc. But this time around I have been able to be non-reactive. He'll show up if he decides to show up, no amount of lecturing from me will change anything, my only responsibility is to look after Kid and my own well-being (which is not improved when I'm acting out of anger or anxiety). AlAnon has helped me to see that I have no control over his behavior, and that while I have to deal with the impacts of his drinking, the drinking itself is completely out of my hands. This improved peace of mind is worth sitting through a few tedious or silly meetings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
A drug is a drug; mine was alcohol and later codependency. Do you have a sponsor? That made the biggest change in my recovery. It was suggested that I focus on the feelings, not the stories, and I certainly related from that standpoint.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Al anon and the 12 steps have been really good for me and I guess that is the main point. Reflective time and time for self improvement. Sure having others around helps but the focus is on you and your mindfulness. In the group I am going to a mix of ExAH, current AH, ex AW and ex A parents.
Keep going!
Keep going!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Bumping a wonderful topic.
Pray... and follow.
I've found many good Alanon meetings. One I thought I'd never return to... only to go a year later and then attended it regularly for a while.
Gold nuggets of recovery in action CAN be found in many places. Alanon is a great place to look for them.
If a meeting group seems very unhealthy, stagnant, toxic... that's great awareness right there and the opportunity to practice moving on to healthier people to connect with.
Pray... and follow.
I've found many good Alanon meetings. One I thought I'd never return to... only to go a year later and then attended it regularly for a while.
Gold nuggets of recovery in action CAN be found in many places. Alanon is a great place to look for them.
If a meeting group seems very unhealthy, stagnant, toxic... that's great awareness right there and the opportunity to practice moving on to healthier people to connect with.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
I go to an Al-Anon meeting once a week. Sometimes it's helpful and sometimes it's not. I went last night and it was good because the topic was something where I felt I had something to share that happened recently. I don't find that I am in the same general life stage/place/whatever as most of the people but usually I am ok with that.
I keep meaning to branch out and go to a different meeting, but I never do. Maybe I will one of these days. For now, the meeting I go to once a week seems to be getting better.
I keep meaning to branch out and go to a different meeting, but I never do. Maybe I will one of these days. For now, the meeting I go to once a week seems to be getting better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers 
Hi everyone! It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been back at work and I haven't had 5 minutes to focus on myself, but I have been attending alanon once a week.
I shopped around several meetings and I've found one that is really focused on recovery. I really enjoy going to the meeting, but I find it strange that I have not met ONE person at alanon who is dealing with an addict spouse.
80% of people I've met in Alanon have an alcoholic parent or sibling. Some have an addict child. Many are also in AA and attend alanon to help them relate to their sponsees in AA.
I've also met several people in alanon who DO NOT have an alcoholic in their lives, but they feel they need alanon to help them deal with other difficult people in their lives.
I find it interesting, because most people on this board have alcoholic SO's.
I know it's important to focus on the similarities, and I do. But I have to admit that I feel a little out of place. Has anyone else noticed this where you are?
I shopped around several meetings and I've found one that is really focused on recovery. I really enjoy going to the meeting, but I find it strange that I have not met ONE person at alanon who is dealing with an addict spouse.
80% of people I've met in Alanon have an alcoholic parent or sibling. Some have an addict child. Many are also in AA and attend alanon to help them relate to their sponsees in AA.
I've also met several people in alanon who DO NOT have an alcoholic in their lives, but they feel they need alanon to help them deal with other difficult people in their lives.
I find it interesting, because most people on this board have alcoholic SO's.
I know it's important to focus on the similarities, and I do. But I have to admit that I feel a little out of place. Has anyone else noticed this where you are?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In New York the focus is on the steps and Big Book which helped me a great deal. Came into Alanon when I was 12 years sober so I got the gist quickly: the problem was me and my choices. I essentially traded up addictions, making another person my higher power in an effort to avoid dealing with the real issues.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
