TheLayers

I have been struggling with my own sobriety for some time now. I just recently went out for 4 days after almost two months sober. My fiance and I split and no longer live together (since two months ago) but we are still actively in a relationship. He is also an alcoholic but has only very recently come to terms with it. We've had some pretty bad and crazy stuff happen surrounding our alcoholism.

Everybody is pretty keen to give opinions on our situation, and it's hard to know who's advice to take.

What i'm wondering, if we are both actively working on our own programs and on our own recovery, can we still continue with our relationship?

Neither of us want to split up completely right now, but we understand the importance of working on ourselves first.

Can two alcoholics get sober together successfully ? If so, what will be the important things to do?

Purplrks3647

While I don't have any advice (other than focusing on yourself which you've already mentioned, )I voted "yes" ~ I'd like to think it's possible.

Dee74

Anythings possible

but...I've seen many well meaning couples drag each other back into active addiction - so it's a challenging scenario.

I think the only way it can work is for each of you to focus on your own recovery.

If he relapses you have to be strong enough to stay on course - and vice versa.

Not saying you can't utilise the same things, but your support network should be distinguishable from his, & vice versa.

best wishes to you both
D

AnvilheadII

Can two alcoholics get sober together successfully ? If so, what will be the important things to do?

welp, why while not a traditional "couple", two alcoholics got sober and AA was born.

yes a paired couple can get sober together......if they both WANT sobriety and are willing to go to any lengths.....and each carry their own recovery and let the other find their own way.

nez

Doesn't exactly address your question, but...

...I know a couple who divorced in active alcoholism. They both got into recovery not long after. A few years later they remarried and now have been together 25 years.

Andagain

Anything's possible, of course. However, I think the issue is that unfortunately most alcoholics relapse and I think if one partner relapses, then the chances of the other relapsing with them is very high. So having that huge trigger potentially there all the time is risky. You know yourself better than me, so I guess you have to ask yourself whether you think that outcome is likely.

totfit

I think you can if you can separate who's drinking or not drinking you are worried about. You need to just worry about your own. If you can do that then you stand as good a chance as anyone, I think. It does complicate things in that if you start to look at this as a joint success or failure, then it is twice as likely to fail. Each of you has to consider their own sobriety most important. I have seen a couple get sober together and this is the way it worked for them.

Forward12

It's possibly, but personally I don't think it's the best idea as it likely will turn quickly into one or both of you leaning on each other to keep going, and if one screws up, the whole house will come down.
Personally I would put a hold on the relationship for now until you both have some solid sobriety time down, then continue on when you both are ready.

Coldfusion

My wife and I both quit drinking the same day five years ago, and we are still sober. I credit 90 AA meetings in 90 days with giving our sobriety a solid foundation.

Jezzi

hmm, that's something to ponder. I voted no though. I think successful sobriety requires so much personal time and attention that focusing on someone else's at the same time might hinder recovery.

theVman31

Everyone's differerent.
We are all unique and authentic.
I was never in this situation but I vote yes.
Bravo to you Coldfusion.

Wishing you all the best and Stay with us "TheLayers"

LeeJane

When my AH and myself were both actively drinkng. We used to try and quit together but all the time play mind games and manipulate the other of us to cave first and return to drinking. Therefore allowing the other one to (joyfully) join in guilt free and blame the other person.

It was an insane mess.

Later I quit while AH continued to drink.

I think you could quit together if you both genuinely wanted to.

hpdw

Hi , When I attendaed AA a few years back there was a couple in their middle 50s who seemed on the surface to be deoing great . I used to love each others share ,how honest and open they were . Ive never saw them for a while as I stopped going to AA so don't know how they are now .

I think it all depends on the couple ,how strong each is individually and i agree with the above that you need to concentrate to certain degree on yourself first .

SnazzyDresser

Probably not optimal, staying sober in a situation like that. I don't doubt that it's possible because just about anything is possible when we put our minds to something worthwhile and line up our actions behind it.

joandmelandhan

Thelayers you mentioned the word advice but all I can share is my experience. I got together with a fellow A at a recovery group. To be honest I was more committed to recovery and so felt like I was carrying 2 lots of cravings etc etc. When it was good it was great. When it was bad it was absolutely horrendous. It was such a warped situation at times. Measuring out drink so no one had more. Broken promises. Resentment. One bringing the other back into active drinking. Anger. Lies. Codependence. I could go on.......
Tragically my partner died after a huge binge and I still can't grieve. Would I do it again? Not in a million years no. Do I carry guilt? Every day.
Please be very careful and focus on your own recovery. I would say do not live together. Your sobriety is the most important thing treasure it. Take care

Fly N Buy

Don't drink

mfanch

Yes.

My AH got sober 18 months after I did. We were married about 11 years at that point. We are going on 20 now. I was told to focus on *MY* recovery and the rest would take care of itself. Even today, I worry about my side of the street and he worries about his. I came to realize that the only way to change HIM was to change ME. (We can only change ourselves.)

These days, there is only one meeting a week where we both go at the same time. We even have different home groups. We don't take each other's inventories (too much lol). We can joke about the other's program in a loving way.

I will add that marriage counseling helped us a lot. We both had a PLAN and we followed our plans. He went to his therapist/meetings/steps with sponsor, and I did the same. After about 8 months, we re-engaged in the marriage work and started couples counseling.

It was a lot of work for us, but well worth it. It is like I got a redo with my best friend. I'm glad I set my ego aside and did the work. There is a 'whole nother' level to our relationship now, one built on spirituality.

Mountainmanbob

Didn't vote because I vote maybe.

Have seen very few successes but, I have noted a couple.

Odds are for sure -- not the best for both staying sober.

M-Bob

axeman5971

I voted yes. However, you'll each have to be committed to sobriety not for each other but for yourselves. That may even mean time apart in the short term. That may even mean agreeing to break up(or not agreeing but just doing) if one partner is n't committed. Will you end it if your early recovery is successful and your partners isnt? Are you willing to accept the consequences if it's the other way around?

My advice is to try anything that has worked for anyone with some good clean time. Make a habit of saying "yes" and keeping an open mind. AA? Sure, and not just once or twice. Treatment? At least do some research. Be honest with your doc. Look at CBT. Try exercise. Pray. Your sobriety and your life, and quite possibly your relationship, are worth it.

Good luck!!!!!

Berrybean

I haven't voted as there are too many important variables - more important that whether you two are together.

I think it is possible you can recover. I think it's possible that he can as well. BUT - neither of you are in the position to take a supportING role.

The most important thing will be if you are both (independently) working on your recovery. What does your recovery plan look like so far?

If you are going to meetings I can imagine the temptation being to go together, which is okay sometimes and for a bit. However, its also likely to mean you don't get to know others so quickly or start to form your own seperate support networks. It could also mean you're less likely to share as openly and honestly, so as well as going together it'd probably be wise to go alone to some meetings.

Also, we all tend to 'get' this stuff at different rates, so is likely there will be times when the less recovered partner will seem less of an attractive proposition to the more-recovered one. Not impossible, no, but worth thinking through bounderies for if one person relapses and the other doesn't, etc.

Good luck.
BB