nohopelady

Hello,

I'm new here. I read a lot of different threads and there was so much good advice and kindness that I wanted to post as well.

My story is a similar one to many of you. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3.5 years and I finally reached my own rock bottom and am trying to end the relationship. I'm having such a hard time though.

My ex has always drank a lot but has come a long way. However, he still spends all his free time (weekends) drinking. He tells me he's lonely, but doesn't seem to want me around on weekends. We don't go anywhere together, no dates anymore, he just drinks all weekend. By the time Monday comes around, he tells me he's done drinking and I have to clean up the emotional mess he created during the weekend. He's depressed and needs help but refuses to see that. When I told him I couldn't do it anymore, he then proceeded to text me about everything that was wrong with me and how I needed to change, and that he's not an alcoholic. I am just heartbroken over this whole thing. I can't sleep, eat, concentrate. I love him so much but this cycle is killing me. They say the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I don't want to let him go but I am emotionally depleted. There are so many things I love about him, but I resent him as well. Can anyone give me advice? Does it get better? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Maudcat

Hi, nohopelady.
Welcome to SR.
Time and distance often brings clarity.
It sounds like you and your SO are in a pattern of "he drinks, I watch, I pick up the pieces, he drinks again."
And so on.
How about taking some time for yourself? Do you go to Al-Anon?
Lots of support there.
I guess I would ask if this is how you want to live, with a partner who is really not present for you, and whose priority is not you, but drinking.
Good luck. Keep coming back.

SparkleKitty

Hi and welcome. Glad you posted.

Maudcat is spot-on. Sometimes we need to give ourselves the space to get perspective on our own situation. Time and distance can give great clarity.

Most of the time when I feel "confused" about a situation, I'm really not -- I just don't like the options in front of me.

We don't always get to be with people we love. He is not relationship-material at the moment, because his relationship with himself is deeply out of whack. That's not something you can give him to him, he has to seek that out himself.

totfit

It sounds like you are much closer to the end of your rope, than he, and it needs to be the other way around really for things to work. That is just my opinion as a result of my experience on "his" side of the fence. It appears that you are going to be in a long extended mess if you stay. When I was at the blaming side, though mine was more blaming a situation I was in or using that to rationalize my drinking, I was still a long way from seeing drinking as the issue. I think you need to do what is right for yourself realizing that staying in the relationship may likely be a lot more of the same and worse and the odds are that there will not be a happy ending. That is the black and white of it. I really wish you well in whatever decision you make. Just remember that the decision is for yourself. Despite what throwback you receive from him; your decision has nothing to do with his future behavior or well being. That is on him. Sometimes a painful decision works out best for both in the log run. Worked out that way for me.

dandylion

Nohopelady......Welcome!

first off...I am going to give you two links. The first one is a diagram showing you h ow to find the "Stickies" section, here on the forum. It contains all of our information articles....
The second one is to our huge collection of articles on alcoholism and the effects don the loved ones...from our stickies section called Classic Readings. The articles are wonderful...PLEASE look through them and read the ones that appeal to you....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

I believe that the symptoms that you are having are because you are going through the grieving process. We grieve when ever we suffer a signigicant loss.
It is something that we have to go through, as there is no way around it. It is extrodinarily painful. Just as you describe.....
It will last weeks to months.....and it will slowly fade away...but, it will not be overnight.
There are some things you can do to help yourself persevere during this time. If you post, you will see that others are going through the exact same thing.....

The behavior that he is showing is very typical of an alcoholic who is in the grip of their disease and are not ready to quit....

The fact that you are breaking up with him, I think, shows that you have some strength and recognize that you are getting the short end of the stick in this relationship.
It shows that you want better for yourself. (Some people take many more years to get to your point).....

I hope that you will stay around and continue to read and learn and post!
The more you can post and share, the more responses you will get....

qtpi

my advice is go to Alanon. I still miss the good things. It is not easy. But I deserved more from a relationship-= and now I have a chance to find someone who loves me. You deserve more than just a partial, substandard life. Hanging around all weekend watching someone drink is no way to live.