tursiops999

hi all. Maybe this belongs in Friends and Family, but I wondered specifically what folks who utilize RR/AVRT think about "someone else's drinking", i.e. a family member.

I'm concerned about my sister's drinking. She's about where I was when I quit, I think -- not outwardly disastrous, but struggling with it. She is depressed and has a lot of financial problems and relationship problems -- maybe not caused by alcohol, but certainly not helped by it. A couple years ago she confided that she thought she had a problem and was going to quit (after I had quit), but that lasted a week or two. She had no plan. She has done a "dry January" and some other random weeks without drinking, and says she feels better, but of course starts up again.

I shared by email with her a couple of times about my experience of quitting -- once shortly after I quit, and again two years ago when she said she was going to try to quit. I kept it fairly short, talked about different approaches to quitting, and said it was a wonderful change in my life and totally do-able. She wasn't offended but didn't really engage in a dialogue ... she avoids the subject.

I'm torn between just leaving it alone -- she knows she can call me if she wants support -- and raising the subject periodically.

I accept that it's her business and her choice and I can live with that, I just don't want to be remiss if there's anything I should have/could have done. Would you speak up, or leave it alone?

Thoughts?

Wholesome

I like the idea of planting seeds in people's minds. I'm sure you know that no one quits until they are really ready. If it were me I would explain about AVRT and the Addictive Voice and how understanding why and how you were addicted enabled you to break free. But it sounds like you've already done that. I would say just continue to be a source of inspiration to her, there's no way that she isn't affected by the fact that you've quit. My sister got sober years and years before I did and she was always a role model for me in that way.

AlericB

I would just add that you mention emailing your sister a couple of times. I don't know if this means that you haven't spoken face to face or by phone about the matter but if not I think I would try that just once.

Fusion

Hi, I would raise the issue periodically. As Zen said, there comes (hopefully) a 'time' when your sister will be ready to quit; so as you increase her knowledge of how doable quitting is (and how beneficial) she can rapidly learn and step into AVRT mode.

I fell so far down the alcohol rabbit-hole, because I (in reality, my AV) believed the drinkers party-line, that quitting was so hard, difficult, painful, dependant upon a host of variables to be met. So if you plug away, when your sister is ready, she can engage the mind-tool which overturns those mental mind-blocks.

Plus, as Aleric said, f2f or Skype will provide evidence of how sincere you are and how content you are, without what your sister must consider her 'crutch' due to her problems. I do hope your sister will listen to you.

Fusion

Hi, your sister is dealing with financial and relationship issues and depression. Sadly, the media has programmed us to believe that alcohol will 'de-stress and relax' us. We know, this is a lie. To that end, I'd recommend that your sister reads Jason Vale's 'Easy way to quit drinking' book. If your sister can comprehend that the very thing she's using to 'cope' with her problems, is in fact exacerbating them, then I think she'll be more receptive to AVRT.

AlericB

I think if I was going to try to help someone stop drinking I would ask them to sit down and try a thought experiment. I'd ask them to imagine that they had decided to never to drink again and remind them that there's no need to be anxious because it's just a mental exercise. I'd then ask them to try to describe their thoughts and feelings in as much detail as they can. They may describe conflicting thoughts/feelings such as hope and fear, determination and uncertainty etc. and I'd just point out the condradictory nature of this.

This may well not be AVRT and of course the AV will not be full blown because it's just an exercise of the imagination. But it seems to me that it's a way to experience AV in an introductory, palatable way at whatever stage they're at in feeling ready to quit for real, even if they feel that it's impossible and too terrifying to contemplate.

And having been exposured to this "mock" AV they may begin to feel confidence in being able to recognise and not be overwhelmed by AV if they decided to quit in real life. Just a thought anyway!

dwtbd

I think the best we can do is to let people know that quitting is possible, no matter what they tell themselves and what 'society' reinforces. Quitting , as with active addiction, is entirely selfish as in entirely self-centric.
Though given the right context, I never fail to give my opinion of the fact that alcohol consumption is always a net negative

fini

hi tursiops,

i'd leave it alone, and i'd find that hard to do

i say this because you have made clear that you have already mentioned your experience a few times, and offered info about various ways folks do this, and she knows you are available for support.

so my guess is that anything above that would seem like nagging. or you trying to take responsibility for stuff that's entirely hers.

nez

Talk is cheap. Anybody can do it. You are showing your sister everyday through your recovery. Actions speak louder and more effectively than words. Keep on doing what you are doing. Seems to me to be a good balanced approach.

tursiops999

Thanks everybody, lots of good advice here. I'll mostly leave it alone, but if she opens the door a crack, I'll just share that it's 100% do-able. I appreciate all the suggestions.

Fly N Buy

Good thoughts for you and your sis Tops! She's got a leg up an many others......she has you

tursiops999

Thank you Fly!