Small uncomfortable victories

Old 09-01-2017, 08:38 AM
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Small uncomfortable victories

I have never followed through with time apart from Abf, but today I did. It's small, but I think a good thing. The last few weeks he has gotten drunk and belligerent with me after drinking behind my back when visiting at my home. This resulted in promises it won't happen again, complete with roses at the door and the works. Each time it happened was horrible and I swore I would never put up with it again. (See how much codeps are like alcoholics?)
It's one thing to drink on your own time...fine, your choice. But to show up to enjoy an evening together and bring your mess into my home deliberately is another. It was so bad that when I left the house to cool down he had passed out and locked the door so I couldn't even get back in my own home without having the building let me back. It was an awful night and I was already building up anger as during the day I was watching my sisters kids and a couple hours turned into the whole day and evening. Then to go home to that, not fun.

Anyhow, as the universe would have it I woke up the next day with a terrible bug. Sore throat, fever, the works. I drove to my parents house in the suburbs yesterday to visit and woke up this morning sick as a dog. Now, normally Abf and I spend the weekend at my place in the city. He comes over after work and stays. He phoned me today to remind me he gets off work at noon and can come take care of me (you mean me take care of HIM). Since I'm sick I told him I was going to just stay here for the weekend and get better. I also told him that maybe it's a good thing because it will give him time to think about what he wants to do because I can't go on like nothing happened.
It's odd because after all his shenanigans he always expects me to take him back, to assume plans are back on as usual. And why shouldn't he? They always are! And it's mostly because I am SO afraid of making him uncomfortable. Of upsetting him, disappointing him, etc. Notice I don't have that same fear of doing those things to me.
I still noticed that I absolutely hated telling him no that we are not "on" this weekend. Even if I was healthy and not sick it'd be suicide to us both if I kept plans. Maybe the universe made me sick so I had a reason to stay back. It knows I'm a bit of a codependent mess still so stepped in with some serious germs in its purse!

At any rate, I start my new job he hates next week. Maybe the tides are turning...*achoo*
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:46 AM
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Also, I think the space between us is good because if his drinking keeps going like this, a full blown bender is a hair away. I'd rather give us BOTH the opportunity to avoid that or at least get myself out of the bullseye
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:47 AM
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Smarie, I notice in your posts you have a tendency to talk about things happening to you -- "the universe", "the tides", etc. -- as if you are just being batted around in life by forces entirely outside of your control. I understand that feeling -- when I was enmeshed with my XABF, I felt like that too, and it was very comforting to feel like things just happened or just were and that I couldn't do anything about it.

But after embracing the things I could control--namely, me and my actions--and letting go of what I couldn't--namely, how other people felt about my actions and choices--I was tremendously empowered to make decisions that made my life better, to let go of the things that were holding me back, and to really thrive in my own self-discovery.

For me it was a matter of focus, a small shift in perspective that had waves of good consequences for me in the long run, despite small moments of discomfort as I interacted with people who were disturbed that I no longer occupied the position they were used to having me occupy.

I am very excited for you to start your new job. I'm sick heading into the weekend, too, and it's the same weekend we go into tech rehearsals for my next play. Let's hope it passes quickly for both of us.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:59 AM
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Smarie....I think that SparkleKitty speaks with a lot of well-earned wisdom!

I can only add that what you call "the universe" and "the tides" is maybe the beginnings of some self-esteem....some glimmerings of ego strength.....
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:14 AM
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Smarie....I am still curious about the girl's weekend in Las Vegas...?You were so excited about it......
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:37 AM
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Sparkle - I am so happy you've pointed this out. So insightful. You are 1,000 percent correct in your observation! Want to know what I've noticed? That when I speak that way it allows me to hide behind the monster of dealing with life because I'm too afraid. Because if I can blame the universe for making me sick, it takes the owness off of me and now I'm not the bad guy for saying no (hey it's not MY fault I'm sick and can't see you). So when Abf said to me yesterday that he still wants to spend the weekend together, I found myself panicking. Panicking because while I did want to see him, I knew in my gut it would be wrong. Wrong because I'd be allowing an active and untreated addict back into my home and even if he didn't drink this time, I would feel weak and fall back into pretending the recent drinking episodes didn't happen. Until they inevitably happened again.

I get sick bc well, ppl do. So my mind says, "how great! You don't have to tell him no or make a decision! You're sick now so you can just not see him because, well, your sick so he'd have to understand it wasn't because of him. I mean, you don't want him to feel bad right? Now you don't have to because you are sick so here's your excuse!"

You've hit the nail on the head. I speak that way so I don't have to make uncomfortable choices and be responsible for them.
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:44 AM
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Smarie, your story reminds me of a weekend that I spent with ex-fiance. We planned to go to a music festival and camp out the weekend. The evening before the festival, I got sick. Fever, cough, sore throat. And still I drove because 1) I was his ride and 2) I knew that he would be terribly disappointed if we didn't go.

So we camped out. It's raining and cold. I spent the evening in the tent. I propped up the backpacks and all our gear underneath me so I could sleep in an upright position because I was coughing so much. He went out with his friends, and spent a majority of it hanging out with a female acquaintance that he hadn't seen in quite a while. I wanted to be cool so I didn't make a fuss. I still wonder about that night. He came in around 2AM. It took me weeks to get over that bug.

Fast forward to dating my now husband. We were supposed to go away on vacation. I got sick before we left. He wanted to cancel it. He insisted on it. He was HORRIFIED that I was even thinking about going. He was concerned I was going to get sicker. His reaction was so completely different from my ex-fiance. He was taking the opportunity to show me that he loved me by doing something that disappointed him (and our wallet). We went anyway, and he got the chicken soup and the cold meds and stayed with me the entire time. Funny enough, I recovered after less than a week. It was such a mind-blowing concept for me to have somebody say that he loved me and actually show it through actions rather than words. I hope you let yourself have that same experience one day, because it's not happening with ABF.

PS. Break a leg, Sparkle!
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Smarie....I am still curious about the girl's weekend in Las Vegas...?You were so excited about it......

I was Honestly my decision was to not go afterall, and it was 80% money. I start my new job next week after the Labor Day holiday and after doing some calculating, I realized I am really tight until I get a couple months of pay going. Unfortunately, I didn't act like an unemployed person these last several months so have credit card debt to pay down. The other 20% was that I didn't have a solid group going. Turns out the trip was more a couples thing and the friend arranging it I barely have heard from. One of those things where if it was like all girls and lots of communication and excitement building, I'd have made it work. It just didn't feel like it'd be a good investment.

Now would have been a great time too to get away, but I guess falling ill makes it all the more reason i am glad it didn't work out. Sure I was a little afraid to tell Abf, but so many other factors led into me deciding now to go I barely got to that

My mom wanted to take me to Miami this weekend (I think she feels bad that she sees my siblings taking advantage of me, and knows I need my own life instead of drowning in their BS). I was going to actually consider going! But alas, I'm sick now.

Maybe we have an SR trip to Vegas instead! 😉
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:02 AM
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Oh my goodness PuzzledHeart,

My STBAXH did similar things to me when I got sick or was too busy to enjoy a vacation because I had to bring my work with me. I was always sacrificing my own comfort for his. I never once saw him sacrifice his for mine. He was all words, no action. He said he loved me, he never showed it. He also said that he hated people who never said it but only ever showed it -- why, I wonder? Perhaps because no matter how much I showed it, he did not believe that he deserved my love (or anybody's love). And he was right. He was not deserving of anyone's love. Yet I gave it to him. He got more than he deserved.

Didn't mean to hijack this thread, I'm just astounded by this particular anecdote. It's so similar to my experience.

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Smarie, your story reminds me of a weekend that I spent with ex-fiance. We planned to go to a music festival and camp out the weekend. The evening before the festival, I got sick. Fever, cough, sore throat. And still I drove because 1) I was his ride and 2) I knew that he would be terribly disappointed if we didn't go.

So we camped out. It's raining and cold. I spent the evening in the tent. I propped up the backpacks and all our gear underneath me so I could sleep in an upright position because I was coughing so much. He went out with his friends, and spent a majority of it hanging out with a female acquaintance that he hadn't seen in quite a while. I wanted to be cool so I didn't make a fuss. I still wonder about that night. He came in around 2AM. It took me weeks to get over that bug.

Fast forward to dating my now husband. We were supposed to go away on vacation. I got sick before we left. He wanted to cancel it. He insisted on it. He was HORRIFIED that I was even thinking about going. He was concerned I was going to get sicker. His reaction was so completely different from my ex-fiance. He was taking the opportunity to show me that he loved me by doing something that disappointed him (and our wallet). We went anyway, and he got the chicken soup and the cold meds and stayed with me the entire time. Funny enough, I recovered after less than a week. It was such a mind-blowing concept for me to have somebody say that he loved me and actually show it through actions rather than words. I hope you let yourself have that same experience one day, because it's not happening with ABF.

PS. Break a leg, Sparkle!
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by sylvie83 View Post
Bring on the anti-codependency germs!! (But actually hope you get well soon! )

When my ex left the time before this final time I got so sick. Sicker than I ever have I think. He was really bad and I had been such a mess mentally for a week of so before it happened so it's no surprise. Body and mind are equal. Totally in relation to each other. No coincidence

When I got sick it also helped me see just how helpful and caring he was when I really needed him (which wasn't often). Interesting learning....

Don't beat yourself up for what's happened so far sounds like you're adding it all up.

Really good luck. Look after yourself! Or call on some nice reliable folk to back you up while you're recovering. I'm learning it's ok to ask for help...
i so agree with you. My mom said, no wonder you're sick, look at the way you run around with your sisters kids and all the work you do and how they use you up! She doesn't even know about Abf so imagine that.
I too agree that your body just gets itself sick the more you treat it poorly. I haven't been working out as much bc I've been trying to be there for everyone so no wonder indeed. I'm really excited to go back to work next week and make my own life.

I think in his heart he likes to think he can take care of me. He has in the past when he wasn't drinking. Buys me my favorite sick foods and watches movies on the couch with me. Makes me tea, stays close, etc. But in active addiction, he is simply unable to. He can't take care of himself even...
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:06 AM
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Puzzled - I'm sorry that happened to you. I think about things like that too, what it would feel like to be with someone who would be good and loving in actions and would never want to make my life harder.

He use to be really nice when I was sick, he still is, but not when in active addiction. Even Wednesday when I said I felt I was coming down with something he made dinner and couldn't wait to take care of me. Dinner got made, but he was too drunk to do the last part. I ended up taking care of him.
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:12 AM
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Ophelia - there's a saying that goes "hurt people hurt people". That's just it. You said he use to say he felt he didn't deserve love. Abf says the same, and I think he truly believes it. He told me that he wonders if he creates the chaos on purpose so I will leave him so then he gets to say "I told you that you don't deserve it no wonder she left".

I think that these relationships are much more complex than just physical drinking. Alcoholism is a whole mind set and set of behaviors far from just being drunk. So much self-sabotage. It's sad all around. I'm glad you realized he didn't deserve your love. That's still tough for me being a person that wants to believe everyone deserves love, that it isn't earned but a blanket for all to take cover under. Without condition. But it IS to be earned - you can only give love when someone is responsible enough to take it.
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:29 AM
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I still believe everyone deserves love. But not everyone is capable of receiving it, and no one else can MAKE them capable of receiving it. It's tempting to believe that if we love someone in the "right" way we will make a difference in their sense of self-esteem. Self-love starts with a leap of faith.

I know this not because I'm an alcoholic--I'm not. I know this because I am codependent, and for the first 32 years of my life I allowed other people to determine my worth. It was safer that way. When they accepted me, I would feel good for awhile--before I started wondering what was wrong with them if they loved someone as worthless as *me*. And when they rejected me I got to say I was right all along. It was one big vicious cycle until I got off the merry-go-round and told myself that my only worry in life was to become someone *I* could love, first and foremost. I spent three years on my own--no romance, no one-night-stands, and for me, no drama-inducing family. Just me and my friends--except not the toxic ones, those I steered clear of. Just the ones who really seemed to like me for who I was and reflected back the things about me that I could embrace about myself--my smarts, my humor, my thoughtfulness.

From there, things really started falling into place.
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Old 09-01-2017, 11:11 AM
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Good for you telling the boyfriend that you were going to spend the weekend on your own. You don't need to "justify" it by being sick. It is fine and reasonable to own a decision to take some alone time.
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Old 09-01-2017, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
Good for you telling the boyfriend that you were going to spend the weekend on your own. You don't need to "justify" it by being sick. It is fine and reasonable to own a decision to take some alone time.
Thank you Sasha. Lots of quacking has followed since then. Telling me how much I planned it and how he's sure I'll be feeling much better just in time for all my fun weekend plans that don't include him. Prior to me falling ill I had dinner plans with a friend in town tomorrow and then my nephews birthday the next day.While we normally spend the weekend together I had a couple of occasions come up that didn't include him. Due to the nature of our relationship we don't get to have our lives meld too often if ever. He was already angry about those plans (see because according to him I don't give him enough of center stage in my life as I do other people. What he fails to realize is that it's hard to make someone a priority in your life whom you cannot depend on nor one who refuses to stay sober). He says we don't get to see each other much, but he never includes the times he's blacked out when I am right there.
Our days together are few, but he wastes half of them with the bottle. Why would I invest more days?
Anyway, I was feeling very low after my shower then he sent me a nice text to see how I was feeling and that he's going to a meeting. This made me feel a bit better I suppose because I felt this was indeed a good idea bc if I didn't step back today we'd likely be on my sofa pretending everything was ok. Me sitting there angry, him probably finding ways to get drunk since he didn't have to be at the sober house reporting if he was with me. I thought, wow I'm really happy for him that he's going to take this opportunity and do something positive.

The text then turned into a bunch of blows to me that felt very cold and trying to make me feel rotten for leaving him be this weekend. That he knows I'll be feeling great to enjoy my weekend while he is totally alone. It's his way of making me feel guilty, as I am very easy to get feeling that way as it is. But I instead have ignored it, turned my phone off and will know in my heart I did right. If he chooses to drink or be mean to me I will not let it affect me.

Everytime he gets close to seeming like he gets it, the addict quackers come to call. Good reality check for me!
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Old 09-01-2017, 03:29 PM
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Don't you ever just get SICK of this guy and his crap? I don't even know him and his constant whining and me me me toddlerism are just...nauseating.

As for...

"Everytime he gets close to seeming like he gets it, the addict quackers come to call" ...try replacing "he" with "I," yes?
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Old 09-01-2017, 03:53 PM
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Smarie....there is another factor that you may not have given much thought to....
Alcoholics who are as needy as he is, generally don't let too much time go by, without finding someone else who is willing to take over the caretaking role.
If you were to make yourself "on sick leave" (or some such excuse) more often, I predict that he would be able to pick up on someone else.....
If I remember, correctly, wasn't there some hint of this with some past condom incident? (I apologize if I got that memory wrong)....

I can't help but think that would be a blessing for you. At least, you would know that he was being taken care of. that would take a great worry off you mind....
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Old 09-01-2017, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post

The text then turned into a bunch of blows to me that felt very cold and trying to make me feel rotten for leaving him be this weekend. That he knows I'll be feeling great to enjoy my weekend while he is totally alone. It's his way of making me feel guilty, as I am very easy to get feeling that way as it is. But I instead have ignored it, turned my phone off and will know in my heart I did right. If he chooses to drink or be mean to me I will not let it affect me.

Everytime he gets close to seeming like he gets it, the addict quackers come to call. Good reality check for me!
I think the main lesson of my life has been that no matter how bad it gets: illness, depression, family tragedy, there is always someone out there who could make the situation far worse for me . . . . . this idea always makes me chuckle when I'm going through a bad time.

The woman who moved in with my qualifier soon after I left, really saved my life/sanity. I was not in a good way and probably would have gone back to him if she hadn't showed up and stayed (at least for a bit). I still feel both grateful to her and bad for her as he was indeed a mess.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:25 PM
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Same here, Bekindalways.....I felt relief when my first husband got involved with another person, after the divorce. Less energy to direct arrows toward me....
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:37 PM
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Dandy and Bekind- I think that's the hook of fear I have. I want so much to believe I am extraordinary that I am afraid to be his memory someday. It's as though even if I am a memory, I want to know I am not so replaceable for him. Did you experience those feelings? A fear of being someone your mate would talk of someday with a new partner? Perhaps his obsession with me has given me a sense of uniqueness / that if I let go fully, I'm just a number.

Dandy you are right, I found a condom not belonging to us in his bag. He also had a 3 month affair while I was with him, sleeping with another woman last year. (And likely others)
He toggles between obsession with us and looking elsewhere when I cannot be there for him. It's most definitely a hook for me, a way to control being there because of fear he will act out if I'm not.
He is a lonely type of man. No real friends or hobbies. I think it's a big factor for his neediness.
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