LeeJane

I am a recovering A. Got 7 years, I work AA & Al-anon program plus some ACOA and OA.

My AH is still drinking. He recently stopped for about 90 days but didn't work a program so was an unpleasant dry drunk. I think we were both relieved when he picked up again.

For a long time I found living with him and his drinking ok. I used my Al-anon tools. We lived as house mates rather than spouses which seemed to suit us both. I notice now though it has become harder to detach and let go.

The more mentally healthy and well I get, the more annoying and uncomfortable it is to live with a drunk.

He is very ill caused by over 50 years drinking. Dying, actually.

He drinks daily. In our home. Not in a room where I am.

I suppose the reason I am posting is to ask if other people have noticed it gets worse to tolerate as you get better yourself.

SmallButMighty

This is exactly how it was for me.

I ended up leaving a long term marriage because I wanted to continue to keep improving my own mental and emotional health. That would not have been possible for me while living with an active alcoholic.

Best of luck to you. Hugs.

hopeful4

Yes, absolutely!

The more work I did on myself and with my therapist, and the better I became, the more my eyes were open to how bad it was. And also I formed boundaries, which of course no addict likes those. My X was very manipulative, and the less he could manipulate me and the situation, the less he liked it.

I applaud you for your own recovery! That is good work, and the best thing you could ever do for yourself!

LeeJane

Thank you so much, SmallButMighty and Hopeful4 for your replies. Both very helpful to me.

Thank you for your words about my recovery. It is a fantastic journey. It's hard but I love it. The most satisfying thing I have ever done.

I am grateful to AH in many ways. Being with him supported my recovery enormously. If I had left him before doing a great deal of work on myself, I would just gone straight to the next addict I encountered that mirrored my dysfunction. AH is my third addict!! And my last.

AH is very manipulative so being around him I have learnt in recovery to recognise it and mindfully not get hooked in. I couldn't recognise it before having grown up in a home where it was the normal way of acting.

hopeful4

Yes!!! I can completely relate. My XAH was definitely an addiction for me as well. It has taken me a long ways not to get roped into his drama as even though we are not married, we share children, so we still have contact and he just loves to try to manipulate me still. I have learned to keep that focus on me and my children, and learned that the less involved I get into his business and drama, the better off it is for me!

TropicalWinter

My therapist told me early on that the healthier I got, the more intolerable my marriage would be. He was absolutely right.

Sasha1972

It's the "boiling frog" phenomenon. I look back now and think "how on earth did I ever believe that [behavior x] was acceptable?". Because things had been getting worse little bit by little bit. And then after I left, they got worser faster.

Bekindalways

^^^^ I so get this. Realizing this has helped me to not blame him. I was as sick as he was.

maia1234

It's amazing to come out of that alcoholic fog and realize you no longer choose to live like that. We are no different than our qualifier, waking up in sobriety. It's a long and painful process, but it is so worth the effort.

Keep doing the work your worth it!!

LeeJane

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful input. Hopeful, Tropical winter, Sasha, BeKindAlways & Maia.

I very much recognise that we were as sick as each other. Like attracts like, doesn't it.

AH and I have been together 12 years. When we met we seemed a perfect fit. We were happy in our dysfunction together for years. What altered was me quitting my assortment of addictions one by one and working my programs.

Each change in me moved us farther apart.

For several years I was happy as he continued to drink and I continued my work on me.

We both had a focus that fulfilled us.

Now though, as mentioned in thread title, it is becoming intolerable for me. The insanity is just too insane. My awareness makes it too loud.

The insanity was never really about the actual drunk behaviours as I could easily dodge out the way of him when he was drunk. The insane stuff is the supporting behaviours that enable him to drink even though it is literally killing him. All the denial, lies, smokescreen.

Thank you. Is good to talk this out.

maia1234

Yep

I always said he wasnt going to die on my watch!!! Ugh!!! (Drinking. Car accident, sucide)

LeeJane

Thanks, Maia.

I have found as my recovery goes forward and I see things clearly such as the manipulation, it seems odd that I couldn't see these things before. It all becomes crystal clear. Little by little.

Then I can't "un-see". Can't go backwards, only forwards.

qtpi

I worked on a floor with drug and alcohol addicted patients. After I left XAH, I noticed it was like I had taken a suit of armor off-Before they couldn't bug me; now I leave the room for any disrespectful behavior.

Thankfully I have transferred to another floor with a different population. What a difference! I am at the point where I want nothing more to do with addiction EVER!

LeeJane

I understand what you mean. I also developed a suit of armour. An Al-anon coloured suit of armour. It served me very well for several years.

That armour over the last few months has dissolved. I now find the utter disrespectful and manipulative behaviours very irritating. The self pity coming off him hits me in the face like a slap. I feel the behaviours physically if that makes sense. Pathetic and irritating.

As I shared in another thread, he has drunk his way to heart, liver and kidney failure. He has alcoholic neuropathy. Plus COPD from smoking.

It feels like I am watching AH act in a theatre play that he has written. He is the sad victim, of course. The world is against him. He acts this role truly believing it himself.

Everyone else is his "extra". Here to support him in his starring role.

Is strange to watch.

He is extremely ill. At some point he will need to go into a nursing home. I am fine with that idea.

Again good to talk about this.

LeeJane

For several years, I had such a lot of work I needed to do on myself so in many ways I was glad AH had his bottle to keep him busy. It freed me up to work on me.

When I quit alcohol, I think it took me a couple years to recover physically from the brain fog I was in.

I realise now I was very unaware of what was going on around me. I had been a daily drinker to blackout for about five or six years so my brain was pretty damaged. Possibly still is.

LeeJane

It feels good to write all this stuff out. I feel uplifted and energised from it.

madgirl

LeeJane - how long into recovery did it take to build genuine emotional stability? Im at a year and seven months, also married (24 years) to an alcoholic who still drinks (not to blackout, but it is consistent behavior) -

LeeJane

Congratulations on your year and seven months. Great work.

Thanks for your question, MG. I think for at least the first two years of "not drinking" I was still irrational, unstable and putting it in plain terms - nuts.

What AA call, accurately IMO, "stark raving sober".

At the time I thought I was perfectly normal. That now I had put down the bottle, I was immediately cured!!

Not at all. But at that stage, you just can't tell. I would say actual emotional maturity and sobriety probably took me about five years of not drinking.

I have worked my program daily, made lots of changes, I have an excellent sponsor.

For me and other drinkers I mix with, our behaviours become far worse for quite a while once we quit. Even working a program, we often get worse before we get better.

Hope that helps.
Lee

LifeRecovery

LeeJane-

My wise therapist has given me wonderful tidbits over the years.

She once told me that two "sick" people can make a relationship "work," and two well people can but often when one is working on being well, and one is staying and not willing to budge out of the sick mode that it can be intolerable. I believe that is finally what happened in my relationship.

I am not sure I would have been able to do it on my own, but my ex started an affair that jump started my leaving, and force me to deal with the elephant in the room, alcohol.

LeeJane

Thank you very much for sharing these wise words. Accurate, in my experience. As I was saying above, I remained sick long after I quit. I would say not drinking I was just as sick as hubby who was still drinking for a very long time.

It is only in last few months I have become well enough for his sickness to become intolerable to me.

Which again makes me thankful I didn't dump AH as soon as I stopped drinking and ran off into another sick relationship. I have ALWAYS done that. Left one relationship to go straight into another. Usually was an overlap.

If my AH wasn't so physically ill and incapacitated, he would have dumped me and taken up with an active drinker woman. I am sure of that.