New Here: Where to Start?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1
New Here: Where to Start?
Hi All,
This is my first post. Here is my story. Any advice from people who've been there would be greatly appreciated.
My sister has been a drug addict for 15 years. Opiates are her main drug, but she also binge drinks, shoots heroin and cocaine, and takes pills (benzos, Xanax, or whatever she can get). She has several children, all born addicted and with developmental or congenital disorders. I've watched her destroy her life and then their lives. She uses anyone for anything they will give her. She does not seem to care about anyone but herself. She has neglected and emotionally abused all of her children, and has put them in harm's way by exposing them to an unsafe environment filled with other drug users (and I imagine also dealers).
My mother and father are both enablers.
My father left the family when we were young, and he really doesn't get involved, but he sends her money when she needs it, which of course she always does, and she uses it for drugs first, not rent/kids/doctors as she claims to need it for.
My mother is a codependent and massive enabler. She and my sister have never lived apart; even when my sister has an apartment, she and my mom are always together. My mom cleans up every mess my sister makes so that there are no consequences for her. Bails her out of jail, pays her fines, pays her rent when she has spent the money my dad sent her on drugs, buys her cars (which she crashes), takes her shopping for food, pays her bills, etc.
My sister steals from everyone: cash, electronics, credit cards, whatever. She lies about it and is very manipulative. She has stolen hundreds of thousands (yes, I'm not exaggerating) from my mother over the years (in cash, credit card charges, and items stolen), yet my mother simply takes the loss. She does not report it to the police, does not press charges, and does not demand my sister pay her back or return the items. She goes into denial, or she claims that she's cutting my sister off, which lasts for a day or two.
This has been going on for years and years. My sister just had her 6th child. Born with a severe, life-threatening defect caused by opiate use during pregnancy. My mother is raising her other 5 kids because my sister cannot function. Again, these kids have special needs and are a handful. She spends her days finding ways to get drugs and then using and crashing. My mother spends her days taking care of my sister's children and chasing after my sister.
I am a single mom who is struggling to raise kids of my own, and I'm recovering from a bad divorce, so I am not in a position to help raise my sister's children, although I help out when I can.
I reached a point a few months ago where I told my mom and sister I could not longer support them, because my support felt like enabling this crazy cycle. I told my sister she was an addict and needed long-term treatment, for her sake and the sake of her children, and that I couldn't watch her destroy her life and the lives of those around her anymore. She thinks she has everything under control and that everyone else is the problem. I told my mom that if she choose to continue her enabling, I could not stand by and watch. I would detach myself from this toxic situation.
And I finally did. When my mom started enabling again, I stopped talking to her. I told her I couldn't be a part of this situation any more, that I had to save myself and my kids and protect them from this craziness (the last time my kids and I went over to visit my mom, my sister showed up high, threw a plate at my mother's head, and stole some cash and left. My mom refused to press charges. I resolved never to go back again. We haven't spoken for several weeks.
I have so much guilt about this, as I know my mother is under tremendous stress, but there is nothing I can do. If I try to get involved, I get sucked in and I expose myself and my kids to harm. My sister is dangerous, violent, and manipulative, and my mother doesn't see that. My mother is also very manipulative and uses guilt and shame to get what she needs. She plays the victim and will rage against anyone who doesn't see her as such. I told her she is making these choices so she is not a victim, she chooses to live this way, and she hates me for that.
Have I made the right choice? What do I do? Can I help them? I feel so selfish and helpless here.
This is my first post. Here is my story. Any advice from people who've been there would be greatly appreciated.
My sister has been a drug addict for 15 years. Opiates are her main drug, but she also binge drinks, shoots heroin and cocaine, and takes pills (benzos, Xanax, or whatever she can get). She has several children, all born addicted and with developmental or congenital disorders. I've watched her destroy her life and then their lives. She uses anyone for anything they will give her. She does not seem to care about anyone but herself. She has neglected and emotionally abused all of her children, and has put them in harm's way by exposing them to an unsafe environment filled with other drug users (and I imagine also dealers).
My mother and father are both enablers.
My father left the family when we were young, and he really doesn't get involved, but he sends her money when she needs it, which of course she always does, and she uses it for drugs first, not rent/kids/doctors as she claims to need it for.
My mother is a codependent and massive enabler. She and my sister have never lived apart; even when my sister has an apartment, she and my mom are always together. My mom cleans up every mess my sister makes so that there are no consequences for her. Bails her out of jail, pays her fines, pays her rent when she has spent the money my dad sent her on drugs, buys her cars (which she crashes), takes her shopping for food, pays her bills, etc.
My sister steals from everyone: cash, electronics, credit cards, whatever. She lies about it and is very manipulative. She has stolen hundreds of thousands (yes, I'm not exaggerating) from my mother over the years (in cash, credit card charges, and items stolen), yet my mother simply takes the loss. She does not report it to the police, does not press charges, and does not demand my sister pay her back or return the items. She goes into denial, or she claims that she's cutting my sister off, which lasts for a day or two.
This has been going on for years and years. My sister just had her 6th child. Born with a severe, life-threatening defect caused by opiate use during pregnancy. My mother is raising her other 5 kids because my sister cannot function. Again, these kids have special needs and are a handful. She spends her days finding ways to get drugs and then using and crashing. My mother spends her days taking care of my sister's children and chasing after my sister.
I am a single mom who is struggling to raise kids of my own, and I'm recovering from a bad divorce, so I am not in a position to help raise my sister's children, although I help out when I can.
I reached a point a few months ago where I told my mom and sister I could not longer support them, because my support felt like enabling this crazy cycle. I told my sister she was an addict and needed long-term treatment, for her sake and the sake of her children, and that I couldn't watch her destroy her life and the lives of those around her anymore. She thinks she has everything under control and that everyone else is the problem. I told my mom that if she choose to continue her enabling, I could not stand by and watch. I would detach myself from this toxic situation.
And I finally did. When my mom started enabling again, I stopped talking to her. I told her I couldn't be a part of this situation any more, that I had to save myself and my kids and protect them from this craziness (the last time my kids and I went over to visit my mom, my sister showed up high, threw a plate at my mother's head, and stole some cash and left. My mom refused to press charges. I resolved never to go back again. We haven't spoken for several weeks.
I have so much guilt about this, as I know my mother is under tremendous stress, but there is nothing I can do. If I try to get involved, I get sucked in and I expose myself and my kids to harm. My sister is dangerous, violent, and manipulative, and my mother doesn't see that. My mother is also very manipulative and uses guilt and shame to get what she needs. She plays the victim and will rage against anyone who doesn't see her as such. I told her she is making these choices so she is not a victim, she chooses to live this way, and she hates me for that.
Have I made the right choice? What do I do? Can I help them? I feel so selfish and helpless here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I am sorry that you are having to deal with the pain, anger, fear and frustration of an addicted family member.
My father and his parents were alcoholics, all have passed away now from health complications caused by their addictions.
I left the father of my children after 26 years together because of his alcoholism.
My brother is still alive and causing havoc in my mother's life. He lives on her property in a run down travel trailer next to her house. ( she takes pride in her home and yard but his space looks disgusting) He has mental illness that is exacerbated by drugs and alcohol. Like your mother, mine is always "helping" him. Try as I might, I can't make her see that all she is doing is helping him stay sick. She has shielded my brother his whole life, always giving him a soft spot to land instead of him facing the consequences of his actions. She always feels sorry for the bad things that happen to him. She knows these things are his own fault but for some reason she feels guilty about his bad decisions and like it is her job to clean up his messes. It is so frustrating to watch.
I used to help my mum when she would get overwhelmed because of my brothers behaviour. After all, that's what we do for people we love right? We help them when things go bad? One day a light bulb went on and I realized that I was acting codependently to her codependence to my brother. I was using my energy to give her a safe place to fall ( like she does for my brother) and she sucked up my energy and then goes right back to her addiction ( "helping" my brother) leaving me exhausted, angry and sad. WHOA! I had left a long term marriage because I didn't want to be codependent any more and here I was doing exactly that. It stopped. I no longer enable my mother to enable my brother.
Helping her enable him was only contributing to ALL OF US getting sicker.
Your health and safety and that of your children should be your main concern. You are not selfish or wrong for prioritizing yourself and your kids.
It is my opinion that you are doing the right thing sheltering your children from the chaos that swirls around your sister. They don't need that kind of influence in their lives, it is completely unacceptable. I think it is good for them to realize it is OK to remove toxic people from their lives.
I know it is hard to be alienated from family whom you love and care about, but sometimes we have to learn to love people from a distance for our own sanity and safety.
Hang in there Everett, you are doing a great job of setting boundaries for yourself and your babies.
Hugs
My father and his parents were alcoholics, all have passed away now from health complications caused by their addictions.
I left the father of my children after 26 years together because of his alcoholism.
My brother is still alive and causing havoc in my mother's life. He lives on her property in a run down travel trailer next to her house. ( she takes pride in her home and yard but his space looks disgusting) He has mental illness that is exacerbated by drugs and alcohol. Like your mother, mine is always "helping" him. Try as I might, I can't make her see that all she is doing is helping him stay sick. She has shielded my brother his whole life, always giving him a soft spot to land instead of him facing the consequences of his actions. She always feels sorry for the bad things that happen to him. She knows these things are his own fault but for some reason she feels guilty about his bad decisions and like it is her job to clean up his messes. It is so frustrating to watch.
I used to help my mum when she would get overwhelmed because of my brothers behaviour. After all, that's what we do for people we love right? We help them when things go bad? One day a light bulb went on and I realized that I was acting codependently to her codependence to my brother. I was using my energy to give her a safe place to fall ( like she does for my brother) and she sucked up my energy and then goes right back to her addiction ( "helping" my brother) leaving me exhausted, angry and sad. WHOA! I had left a long term marriage because I didn't want to be codependent any more and here I was doing exactly that. It stopped. I no longer enable my mother to enable my brother.
Helping her enable him was only contributing to ALL OF US getting sicker.
Your health and safety and that of your children should be your main concern. You are not selfish or wrong for prioritizing yourself and your kids.
It is my opinion that you are doing the right thing sheltering your children from the chaos that swirls around your sister. They don't need that kind of influence in their lives, it is completely unacceptable. I think it is good for them to realize it is OK to remove toxic people from their lives.
I know it is hard to be alienated from family whom you love and care about, but sometimes we have to learn to love people from a distance for our own sanity and safety.
Hang in there Everett, you are doing a great job of setting boundaries for yourself and your babies.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Have I made the right choice? What do I do? Can I help them? I feel so selfish and helpless here.
No, you cannot help them, they have to want to help themselves and it seems neither one of them does at this point in time.
I think feeling selfish and riddled with guilt are normal feelings when one stops participating in the dysfunction.
It’s a matter of us working through our FEAR, OBLIGATION, GUILT (FOG) that keeps us staying out of the chaos. Al-anon is a good support group that you may want to check some meetings out. Counseling can also help you work through all the emotions. Posting here, anything you can do for you will help you.
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