Hour 33 of hydro withdrawl, can't sleep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
Hour 33 of hydro withdrawl, can't sleep.
Hello! So I'm sitting in my laundry room chain smoking cigarettes and trying to research how to battle insomnia. FYI, apparently, smoking is a bad idea if you want to sleep as the nicotine will keep you up longer. WHOOPS!
I guess I just need to talk about my addiction. In almost 6 years I have never talked to anyone about it. A lot of my family I would assume has to know I'm addicted. My husband has seen me take my pills, even picked them up from the pharmacy on occasion. My mother has been my main reason for being an addict. Freud is probably having a wet dream about that last sentance, but she is who got me addicted in the first place.
I have muscular dystrophy and for as long as I can remember, I've had leg cramps, spasms, bone pain, ect. I was always able to manage without medication though. From the time I was 13, I was taking care of my wheelchair bound mother who has the same disease. Once I turned 18, I took caregiving classes and began to get paid by the state for working for her. For a year it was ok, but she was also battling addiction. I didn't see it at the time, I believed her when she said she needed it for the pain. I know all about pain.
I would get her in and out of the shower, help her dress, eat, go to the bathroom, load her wheelchair in my truck and go to the store, load all the groceries, unpack them and then get her ready for bed, clean the house, cook the food, ect. Some days I physically could not do things because I was in pain. So my mom offered me a pill one day to get me in a state where I could keep working. This would happen about once a month, but I had so much more energy when I wasn't battling pain! I could help her more, and not feel like I got hit by a truck at the end of the day.
Then it became a few times a week. By this point, her emotional/mental state was declining. If I was too slow getting something done, she would begin yelling. If I talked back, she would either break down in tears or go into rages. I would have to patch the drywall from where she ran her chair repeatedly into the walls from either being too high to navigate the house, or too angry to care if she broke something. I had cups thrown at me, insults, she would run over my feet with her chair, that kind of stuff. If I tried to talk to her about it, she would begin sobbing and saying I was attacking her, and i should have more empathy. Then she'd offer me a pain pill.
I hold responsibility for my own actions here. I could have just gotten the **** out of there, but in my mind I felt like I was deserting her, betraying her if I quit. I also let her manipulate me I to believing I couldn't hold down a "real job" because of muscle disease. So if I wanted to continue to rent my own house and pay my bills, I HAD to work for her. This was my mindset. And I discovered that when I took a pill, her insults didn't sink so deep. Her actions didn't affect me as much. That cup didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. This was my stupid, stupid, teenage logic.
Fast forward about 4 1/2, 5 years. I am now married, am holding down 2 jobs at over 50 hours a week. I have stopped working for my mother, but I continue to allow her to manipulate me. At this point, I know I do it for the pills. I nod my head when she tells me how proud she is of me for working so hard, how she misses me and she's sorry for how she raised me, how she hopes I'm not hurting too bad today after I got done working, how she can spare a few pills because she knows how hard it is on my body to do manual labor. Rinse and repeat.
I am on hour 33 now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work. For the life of me though I can't ******* sleep. My husband is sleeping on the couch and went to bed without saying anything to me. He is actively avoiding me since I broke down crying when the puppy crapped on all of the laundry I just washed. I don't know how this will all turn out, but I refuse to let other people and a little ****** pill control my life anymore. I refuse to let my decisions and reactions be based on a craving
I think I have the distraction part of withdrawl down, but I'm worried about how bad the physical pain gets/ when it starts? I had leg cramps and bone pain today, but nothing too bad. I worry about it getting worse though. What tips do you guys have to tell these little pills to hit the road?
I guess I just need to talk about my addiction. In almost 6 years I have never talked to anyone about it. A lot of my family I would assume has to know I'm addicted. My husband has seen me take my pills, even picked them up from the pharmacy on occasion. My mother has been my main reason for being an addict. Freud is probably having a wet dream about that last sentance, but she is who got me addicted in the first place.
I have muscular dystrophy and for as long as I can remember, I've had leg cramps, spasms, bone pain, ect. I was always able to manage without medication though. From the time I was 13, I was taking care of my wheelchair bound mother who has the same disease. Once I turned 18, I took caregiving classes and began to get paid by the state for working for her. For a year it was ok, but she was also battling addiction. I didn't see it at the time, I believed her when she said she needed it for the pain. I know all about pain.
I would get her in and out of the shower, help her dress, eat, go to the bathroom, load her wheelchair in my truck and go to the store, load all the groceries, unpack them and then get her ready for bed, clean the house, cook the food, ect. Some days I physically could not do things because I was in pain. So my mom offered me a pill one day to get me in a state where I could keep working. This would happen about once a month, but I had so much more energy when I wasn't battling pain! I could help her more, and not feel like I got hit by a truck at the end of the day.
Then it became a few times a week. By this point, her emotional/mental state was declining. If I was too slow getting something done, she would begin yelling. If I talked back, she would either break down in tears or go into rages. I would have to patch the drywall from where she ran her chair repeatedly into the walls from either being too high to navigate the house, or too angry to care if she broke something. I had cups thrown at me, insults, she would run over my feet with her chair, that kind of stuff. If I tried to talk to her about it, she would begin sobbing and saying I was attacking her, and i should have more empathy. Then she'd offer me a pain pill.
I hold responsibility for my own actions here. I could have just gotten the **** out of there, but in my mind I felt like I was deserting her, betraying her if I quit. I also let her manipulate me I to believing I couldn't hold down a "real job" because of muscle disease. So if I wanted to continue to rent my own house and pay my bills, I HAD to work for her. This was my mindset. And I discovered that when I took a pill, her insults didn't sink so deep. Her actions didn't affect me as much. That cup didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. This was my stupid, stupid, teenage logic.
Fast forward about 4 1/2, 5 years. I am now married, am holding down 2 jobs at over 50 hours a week. I have stopped working for my mother, but I continue to allow her to manipulate me. At this point, I know I do it for the pills. I nod my head when she tells me how proud she is of me for working so hard, how she misses me and she's sorry for how she raised me, how she hopes I'm not hurting too bad today after I got done working, how she can spare a few pills because she knows how hard it is on my body to do manual labor. Rinse and repeat.
I am on hour 33 now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work. For the life of me though I can't ******* sleep. My husband is sleeping on the couch and went to bed without saying anything to me. He is actively avoiding me since I broke down crying when the puppy crapped on all of the laundry I just washed. I don't know how this will all turn out, but I refuse to let other people and a little ****** pill control my life anymore. I refuse to let my decisions and reactions be based on a craving
I think I have the distraction part of withdrawl down, but I'm worried about how bad the physical pain gets/ when it starts? I had leg cramps and bone pain today, but nothing too bad. I worry about it getting worse though. What tips do you guys have to tell these little pills to hit the road?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
GM.
I don't know the first thing about withdrawling from pain meds. Have you spoken to your doctor? Insomnia is not fun. I imagine it will also not help with your MD.
Have you considered going to see a therapist to sort through your complex relationship with your mother?
Can you find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near you? Keep posting and reading here...that will help.
GL,
Jules
I don't know the first thing about withdrawling from pain meds. Have you spoken to your doctor? Insomnia is not fun. I imagine it will also not help with your MD.
Have you considered going to see a therapist to sort through your complex relationship with your mother?
Can you find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near you? Keep posting and reading here...that will help.
GL,
Jules
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Hi hun..im so sorry about your past and where you find yourself now.I am addicted to dihydrocodiene pain killers,im going through withdrawals right now.iv taken them for years and with the years my tolerance grew.I reached the point where no matter how much I took,they just wouldn't work any more.have you looked in the substance abuse threads hun? Lots of good advice from people going through similar things and tons of support x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
What a story - glad you've moved on from being her caregiver.
No experience here either with pain medication. Insomnia was a problem when I first gave up alcohol. It does go away.
It feels good to admit that there is a problem and I hope that helped you. You are certainly not alone by any stretch. Keep posting and let us know how you are.
No experience here either with pain medication. Insomnia was a problem when I first gave up alcohol. It does go away.
It feels good to admit that there is a problem and I hope that helped you. You are certainly not alone by any stretch. Keep posting and let us know how you are.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hi Limber,
Welcome to SR!! I'm so glad you came here and posted!!
I am a hydro addict also, and I really relate to your story. The first person I ever got high with was my mom, too. My mom is an alcoholic, and, while she isn't physically challenged like your mom, it was still hard growing up with her partying and crack fueled binges. Taking care of her when she was too drunk to take care of herself. Taking care of my little brother while she went out to the bars. Taking care of everything when she would lock herself in the bathroom because she was too high on crack and too paranoid to come out. So, I understand what you are going through with your mom, and all the feelings you are feeling.
There are 4 of us currently going through hydro withdrawals down in the substance abuse forum. And 2 are taking care of sick mothers and trying to get clean just like you. Maybe you might want to come down there and read around a bit?? Maybe post a little?? There's lots of good info there that I think could really help you. I found answers to a lot of my withdrawal questions, and also received lots of support. I don't know how to post a link for the SA forum, but I know others do, and someone here, I'm sure will be kind enough to post it for me/you!!
As far as withdrawals go, there are a few things that universally seem to help. Melatonin helped me with the insomnia, but the first 5 days or so, nothing will really help with it. I'm sorry to say that, but I haven't found anything that helps with sleep all that much. What worked best for me in the first few days was just trying to not dwell on not being able to sleep. When I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep, I got out of bed and read a book or watched a funny movie. I got on SR and read around a little, maybe posted. What I didn't do was lay in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about all the things I had to do the next day, stressing that I was going to be dead tired and unable to cope. The way you think about the wds really affects how you deal with them. At least, that's the way it was for me.
Imodium for the bathroom issues, ibuprofen for the pain, melatonin for sleep. Protein shakes and Gatorade to keep something in your tummy and electrolytes in your body. Lots of water. And chocolate. Not sure about the science behind it, but eating chocolate helped some with my cravings. Really!! I kept Hershey's kisses and mini peanut butter cups in a bowl by my bed, and I would eat them periodically throughout the day. And night, too!! Just sugar, in general, helps.
Timeline wise, days 3 and 4 were the worst days for me. The first week is just really physically hard. But, after day 4 or 5, things should start to get better. You won't feel like you're dying anymore.
I hope I said something that helped. I'm not very good at advice giving, but I keep trying!! I figure with enough practice, I may actually be able to do it well some day!! I hope you will come down to the SA forum and chat with us. But, no matter where you go here, you will find good advice and lots of encouragement.
Try to have a good day. I hope things go well at work. And try not to stress too much. Easier said than done, I know!! But, just keep in mind that this will pass. That it won't be forever. And once you are through to the other side of this, the whole world will suddenly be open for you. I know, I know, it feels right now like being happy or feeling normal is something you will never feel again, but I promise you, you will.
Please stick around. Being sober is worth all the effort. I will check back later, see how you are doing.
Hang in there.
Oh and P.S.....I am around 27 days clean off hydros.
Welcome to SR!! I'm so glad you came here and posted!!
I am a hydro addict also, and I really relate to your story. The first person I ever got high with was my mom, too. My mom is an alcoholic, and, while she isn't physically challenged like your mom, it was still hard growing up with her partying and crack fueled binges. Taking care of her when she was too drunk to take care of herself. Taking care of my little brother while she went out to the bars. Taking care of everything when she would lock herself in the bathroom because she was too high on crack and too paranoid to come out. So, I understand what you are going through with your mom, and all the feelings you are feeling.
There are 4 of us currently going through hydro withdrawals down in the substance abuse forum. And 2 are taking care of sick mothers and trying to get clean just like you. Maybe you might want to come down there and read around a bit?? Maybe post a little?? There's lots of good info there that I think could really help you. I found answers to a lot of my withdrawal questions, and also received lots of support. I don't know how to post a link for the SA forum, but I know others do, and someone here, I'm sure will be kind enough to post it for me/you!!
As far as withdrawals go, there are a few things that universally seem to help. Melatonin helped me with the insomnia, but the first 5 days or so, nothing will really help with it. I'm sorry to say that, but I haven't found anything that helps with sleep all that much. What worked best for me in the first few days was just trying to not dwell on not being able to sleep. When I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep, I got out of bed and read a book or watched a funny movie. I got on SR and read around a little, maybe posted. What I didn't do was lay in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about all the things I had to do the next day, stressing that I was going to be dead tired and unable to cope. The way you think about the wds really affects how you deal with them. At least, that's the way it was for me.
Imodium for the bathroom issues, ibuprofen for the pain, melatonin for sleep. Protein shakes and Gatorade to keep something in your tummy and electrolytes in your body. Lots of water. And chocolate. Not sure about the science behind it, but eating chocolate helped some with my cravings. Really!! I kept Hershey's kisses and mini peanut butter cups in a bowl by my bed, and I would eat them periodically throughout the day. And night, too!! Just sugar, in general, helps.
Timeline wise, days 3 and 4 were the worst days for me. The first week is just really physically hard. But, after day 4 or 5, things should start to get better. You won't feel like you're dying anymore.
I hope I said something that helped. I'm not very good at advice giving, but I keep trying!! I figure with enough practice, I may actually be able to do it well some day!! I hope you will come down to the SA forum and chat with us. But, no matter where you go here, you will find good advice and lots of encouragement.
Try to have a good day. I hope things go well at work. And try not to stress too much. Easier said than done, I know!! But, just keep in mind that this will pass. That it won't be forever. And once you are through to the other side of this, the whole world will suddenly be open for you. I know, I know, it feels right now like being happy or feeling normal is something you will never feel again, but I promise you, you will.
Please stick around. Being sober is worth all the effort. I will check back later, see how you are doing.
Hang in there.
Oh and P.S.....I am around 27 days clean off hydros.
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