Shame
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 48
Shame
This is my first time posting. I've been reading on and off for a couple of years. My alcoholic boyfriend and I have been together 3.5 years, on and off. It took me a long time to realize he was an alcoholic even though there was never any follow through on his kind words, promises, texts. I thought he was just busy being a recently divorced dad. In reality he did and continues to visit a drinking and darts club nightly, after dropping his kids at their mom's house. Voiced desires for plans on my part spurn coldness and silent exits on his part, to the club. We spend a night together once a week and some mornings. We have a lot of fun going for walks and doing errands and I come over for dinner often when he has his kids. We went on vacation for the second time this year, with his kids to his parent's home in Canada. I swore last year I wouldn't go again because after two weeks of showing a good face in front of his family he got plastered and showed up drunk to our dinner plans after we got home. I figured out I was part of the good face he was showing to his family. I'm the only one who knows the extent of his drinking. Yet I went again this year. He got drunk the day before we left and still I went. It's painful to be up there among these 'real' couples who live together, make decisions together, dream of futures together.
I just feel so stupid, like my head is full of cotton. I've been in therapy for four years but I'm stuck in the same place. I have nobody to talk to about this except my therapist. It's so shameful. What good is it to list his crimes? It's my own fault for not leaving and what can anyone say except dump him. But I don't. And when I do I come back. Until I won't, whenever that will be. He's not getting better and he doesn't care about stopping drinking or about communicating or making plans. And he's started to say cruel things out of left field. When I protest or cry he says he can't say what he thinks without my emotional crud.
So. It sucks too because we now work together and I love this job. And he recommended me for the job even though we were broken up at the time (after the worst of three catastrophic New Years eve's in a row. He slapped me and peed in my dog's water bowl and remembers neither)
I've been with an alcoholic in an abusive relationship for 3.5 years. And I don't like myself for that. And I'm ashamed.
I just feel so stupid, like my head is full of cotton. I've been in therapy for four years but I'm stuck in the same place. I have nobody to talk to about this except my therapist. It's so shameful. What good is it to list his crimes? It's my own fault for not leaving and what can anyone say except dump him. But I don't. And when I do I come back. Until I won't, whenever that will be. He's not getting better and he doesn't care about stopping drinking or about communicating or making plans. And he's started to say cruel things out of left field. When I protest or cry he says he can't say what he thinks without my emotional crud.
So. It sucks too because we now work together and I love this job. And he recommended me for the job even though we were broken up at the time (after the worst of three catastrophic New Years eve's in a row. He slapped me and peed in my dog's water bowl and remembers neither)
I've been with an alcoholic in an abusive relationship for 3.5 years. And I don't like myself for that. And I'm ashamed.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
Gru, I'm sorry for what brings you here. All I can say is alcoholism is a thief and a progressive disease. It gets worse the longer it goes unchecked. Only you can decide what to do next. If he isn't ready to do real sobriety work, I'd move on IMHO.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Gry...Welcome and I am glad that you decided to post...because there is a lot of support, here, from those who have been in your same shoes, and understand what you are going through.
There are lots of members, here, who have been in relationships with alcoholics for 30 or more years....
I notice that you have been seeing a therapist for 4 years, and have been in this relationship for 3.5yrs.....Are those figures accurate? Or, have there been issues previous to this relationship?
I think that, sometimes, people stay in painful relationships for the fact that they are so afraid of the grief period that they know will follow the break-up. Every breakup, where a person has invested a part of themselves, is painful...although, the terrible pain does fade away after the mourning period is completed.....In other words...short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
I am quite sure that you have become attached to his companionship.
We miss even people we don't like...if they are a part of our world every day...lol...
You mention shame....shame is an interesting dynamic. It sure is mentioned a lot, in the stories that people bring to this forum. Alcoholism is still viewed as a stigma by a lot of unenlightened people in the culture, at large. One reason that it is important that it is important to talk to those people who have an understanding, from their own experience of what you are dealing with.
About shame...there are a lot of good articles on "shame" on the internet..with a simple google search....I think you would find them interesting. No one is born with shame...it is something that is "taught" to us by our rearing and circumstances, usually beginning in our young years.....
Please take advantage of the learning and support that is available, here on this forum....
I am going to give you a couple of links. One is a diagram of where to find our "stickies"....located just above the threads.
The other one is to our great collection of articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...from our Classic Reading section in the stickies....
It might help, if you began reading the ones that have appeal to you...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
I hope that you will hang around and continue to post....Those who stay get the most help...lol.....
There are lots of members, here, who have been in relationships with alcoholics for 30 or more years....
I notice that you have been seeing a therapist for 4 years, and have been in this relationship for 3.5yrs.....Are those figures accurate? Or, have there been issues previous to this relationship?
I think that, sometimes, people stay in painful relationships for the fact that they are so afraid of the grief period that they know will follow the break-up. Every breakup, where a person has invested a part of themselves, is painful...although, the terrible pain does fade away after the mourning period is completed.....In other words...short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
I am quite sure that you have become attached to his companionship.
We miss even people we don't like...if they are a part of our world every day...lol...
You mention shame....shame is an interesting dynamic. It sure is mentioned a lot, in the stories that people bring to this forum. Alcoholism is still viewed as a stigma by a lot of unenlightened people in the culture, at large. One reason that it is important that it is important to talk to those people who have an understanding, from their own experience of what you are dealing with.
About shame...there are a lot of good articles on "shame" on the internet..with a simple google search....I think you would find them interesting. No one is born with shame...it is something that is "taught" to us by our rearing and circumstances, usually beginning in our young years.....
Please take advantage of the learning and support that is available, here on this forum....
I am going to give you a couple of links. One is a diagram of where to find our "stickies"....located just above the threads.
The other one is to our great collection of articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...from our Classic Reading section in the stickies....
It might help, if you began reading the ones that have appeal to you...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
I hope that you will hang around and continue to post....Those who stay get the most help...lol.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 48
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Starting the sticky about why we stay in relationships. Really helpful.
I have been in therapy continuously for the past 4 years. I had started in order to deal with childhood issues and to help me grieve another relationship. It's slow work and the shame is a deep carryover from childhood neglect and abuse.
My ABF started as the antithesis of my previous boyfriend. We could chat, hike, he had gone to art school, he was smitten with me, thinks I'm funny, we laugh a lot. But now it's clear he hasn't done art since college and has no plans outside of drink, darts, and some 12 acre farm decades in the future with a promise from me to join him there. He wants my future devotion but can't be depended on to see a movie a week from now. He's never met my dad or extended family because he's always been too hungover and boozy smelling when the day arrives. My mom wont see him anymore because of these escapades.
This isn't my first abusive relationship with an addict. But it is the longest. And I am afraid of missing his companionship. The private jokes, the morning chats, dog walks, mountain hikes.
I have been in therapy continuously for the past 4 years. I had started in order to deal with childhood issues and to help me grieve another relationship. It's slow work and the shame is a deep carryover from childhood neglect and abuse.
My ABF started as the antithesis of my previous boyfriend. We could chat, hike, he had gone to art school, he was smitten with me, thinks I'm funny, we laugh a lot. But now it's clear he hasn't done art since college and has no plans outside of drink, darts, and some 12 acre farm decades in the future with a promise from me to join him there. He wants my future devotion but can't be depended on to see a movie a week from now. He's never met my dad or extended family because he's always been too hungover and boozy smelling when the day arrives. My mom wont see him anymore because of these escapades.
This isn't my first abusive relationship with an addict. But it is the longest. And I am afraid of missing his companionship. The private jokes, the morning chats, dog walks, mountain hikes.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Gru, I wrote a long reply and then I had to log in again so I lost it. I just have to say that I saw so much of my relationship described in your post. If you read the forums for long enough, you will see your story over and over again in other people's posts.
I was in a relationship with my addict husband for 10 years. I am trying to extricate myself from it now. It is so hard to let go. It is harder to hold on. It is better to let go. I understand the shame -- no one wants to talk to you once you say, "I was with an addict" or "my partner/sibling/parent/friend is an addict". It's almost as if you had said "I just got out of a leper colony".
People are not understanding of addiction and I think it's because they are trying to protect themselves. I think if I had been more self-protective, I would not have gotten involved with my addict.
I hope and pray that things get better for you. I also miss my addict husband (soon to be ex). There are things... the vacations we took together, the photographs of the places we went together, the photographs I took of him, years and years of memories. It hurts like nothing I can describe. But then I remember that there were no photos of me, because he never took any, because he was busy NOT thinking of me but thinking about drugs -- no matter where we were or what we were doing, his mind was elsewhere. The vacations we took were paid for by me. The house was cleaned by me. If he ever had to do anything, he would resent it; it just took time away from what he wanted to do: drugs. It was basically like I was in a relationship with myself. Eventually he became very emotionally abusive and then violent.
In my relationship, I was alone the whole time. The feeling of betrayal is intense. Also, I feel exposed by the truth. Like I have been stripped -- to the bone. It's humiliating and incredibly painful. So, I can do nothing but offer you the biggest hug possible:
H U G !!!
Welcome to SR, from a fellow sort-of-newbie.
I was in a relationship with my addict husband for 10 years. I am trying to extricate myself from it now. It is so hard to let go. It is harder to hold on. It is better to let go. I understand the shame -- no one wants to talk to you once you say, "I was with an addict" or "my partner/sibling/parent/friend is an addict". It's almost as if you had said "I just got out of a leper colony".
People are not understanding of addiction and I think it's because they are trying to protect themselves. I think if I had been more self-protective, I would not have gotten involved with my addict.
I hope and pray that things get better for you. I also miss my addict husband (soon to be ex). There are things... the vacations we took together, the photographs of the places we went together, the photographs I took of him, years and years of memories. It hurts like nothing I can describe. But then I remember that there were no photos of me, because he never took any, because he was busy NOT thinking of me but thinking about drugs -- no matter where we were or what we were doing, his mind was elsewhere. The vacations we took were paid for by me. The house was cleaned by me. If he ever had to do anything, he would resent it; it just took time away from what he wanted to do: drugs. It was basically like I was in a relationship with myself. Eventually he became very emotionally abusive and then violent.
In my relationship, I was alone the whole time. The feeling of betrayal is intense. Also, I feel exposed by the truth. Like I have been stripped -- to the bone. It's humiliating and incredibly painful. So, I can do nothing but offer you the biggest hug possible:
H U G !!!
Welcome to SR, from a fellow sort-of-newbie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 48
Yes, Ophelia, that's how I feel. LIke I'm in a relationship with myself. When he shows up he's just looking to leave ASAP and I have an uneasy anxious feeling. I'm just talking to myself.
"Ooh we should go do such and such. That would be fun."
Silence.
"Don't you think that would be fun?"
"What?"
"Such and such."
"Sure. (Goes to bar)"
Ugh.
"Ooh we should go do such and such. That would be fun."
Silence.
"Don't you think that would be fun?"
"What?"
"Such and such."
"Sure. (Goes to bar)"
Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Yes, Ophelia, that's how I feel. LIke I'm in a relationship with myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Gru......It is amazing that it is possible to be more lonely in a relationship than by yourself. By yourself, one is free to be with other s that do want to be with you...and do things together....
There are millions of people in this world....
There are millions of people in this world....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 2
Shame
I just wanted to say it's not your fault and I think if we could all just walk away and feel like we would be ok everyone here would. It's painful and it messes with your head all the what if's or over analyzing that super sweet thing they said two weeks ago that gives you hope I'm back in a relationship with a new guy who has no intentions of quitting he's almost proud of it. I think the hook is the good times the things they say that give you a glimpse of that person underneath the addiction, the hope that one day all those things they promise will come true if you can just hold on long enough. It's heartbreaking for all involved and I know this isn't overly helpful or solution based but just wanted you to know that your not the only person going through this I feel so stupid because my logical mind tells me to run but it's like I'm paralyzed by my emotions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I was married to/living with an alcoholic for 25 years, and not all of those years were bad. It would almost be easier if there had been nothing but unmitigated misery - but alcoholics are complex people as well as addicts, and so there are many wonderful things about them. It's painful when you can feel the balance tipping inside you as you slowly realize that the bad is outweighing the good - I compare it to being strapped to a seat in a movie theatre and forced to watch a rom-com gradually turning into a horror movie, except that you know this is your life, not a movie.
For what it's worth the minister of my church once told me that in her experience, people who divorce addicts and/or cut off addicted parents are "the strongest people I know", because of all the layers of attachment, shame, self-doubt and misery that are involved. And she has years and years of experience with all kinds of misery, in her capacity as a pastor. So don't get too down on yourself if you feel like you're not strong enough. It takes a lot of time.
For what it's worth the minister of my church once told me that in her experience, people who divorce addicts and/or cut off addicted parents are "the strongest people I know", because of all the layers of attachment, shame, self-doubt and misery that are involved. And she has years and years of experience with all kinds of misery, in her capacity as a pastor. So don't get too down on yourself if you feel like you're not strong enough. It takes a lot of time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Gru 
. I've been in therapy for four years but I'm stuck in the same place. I have nobody to talk to about this except my therapist. It's so shameful. What good is it to list his crimes? It's my own fault for not leaving and what can anyone say except dump him. But I don't. And when I do I come back. Until I won't, whenever that will be. He's not getting better and he doesn't care about stopping drinking or about communicating or making plans. And he's started to say cruel things out of left field. When I protest or cry he says he can't say what he thinks without my emotional crud.
So. It sucks too because we now work together and I love this job. And he recommended me for the job even though we were broken up at the time (after the worst of three catastrophic New Years eve's in a row. He slapped me and peed in my dog's water bowl and remembers neither)
I've been with an alcoholic in an abusive relationship for 3.5 years. And I don't like myself for that. And I'm ashamed.
So. It sucks too because we now work together and I love this job. And he recommended me for the job even though we were broken up at the time (after the worst of three catastrophic New Years eve's in a row. He slapped me and peed in my dog's water bowl and remembers neither)
I've been with an alcoholic in an abusive relationship for 3.5 years. And I don't like myself for that. And I'm ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
You're not alone darling, I don't like myself right now either, can't remember when I did. I've stopped communicating with people because I don't want them to see how miserable and weak I am right now. I don't have any good advice for you because I can't even follow the advice I give myself, but you are not alone.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sasha1972,
Oh my goodness, this is exactly what it's like. A rom-com that becomes a horror movie. You get to the part where the movie is about to end and you think... "But, I paid for a rom-com? WHAT is going on?!?" You keep waiting for the movie to become a rom-com again, but it doesn't change back, it's become a different movie. It's like "Bambi", after Bambi's mother is shot, but then the cartoon ends right there. Horrible.
"I compare it to being strapped to a seat in a movie theatre and forced to watch a rom-com gradually turning into a horror movie, except that you know this is your life, not a movie."
Oh my goodness, this is exactly what it's like. A rom-com that becomes a horror movie. You get to the part where the movie is about to end and you think... "But, I paid for a rom-com? WHAT is going on?!?" You keep waiting for the movie to become a rom-com again, but it doesn't change back, it's become a different movie. It's like "Bambi", after Bambi's mother is shot, but then the cartoon ends right there. Horrible.
"I compare it to being strapped to a seat in a movie theatre and forced to watch a rom-com gradually turning into a horror movie, except that you know this is your life, not a movie."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Gru, I know a bit of what you are feeling. I spent about 7 years thinking I should just leave my wife because of her drinking. Every time I justified my staying "she'll get better" "the woman I love is in there" "I can make her better". All lies I kept telling myself. The truth is I was afraid of being single. Not having her there and I would justify anything just to not be alone.
Our life got ugly. Her affair. Her suicide attempts after I kicked her out. She got sober and I took her back. Once again mainly because I was afraid and I justified it with "the woman I fell I love with might be there I can't let her go".
Through the fire I was reborn in a way but my healing took years. I still feel the pain and we are still together but I know I am stronger. If her drinking starts we're done. I don't fear being alone. I fear not being true to myself and giving myself a shot at being happy. For now, her being sober makes me happy but I am done giving her chances to make me miserable. Her loss if she loses me down the road.
I truly hope you find happiness and see that you are strong and deserve more than this. Being alone may hurt but you are strong enough to survive. Just believe...
Our life got ugly. Her affair. Her suicide attempts after I kicked her out. She got sober and I took her back. Once again mainly because I was afraid and I justified it with "the woman I fell I love with might be there I can't let her go".
Through the fire I was reborn in a way but my healing took years. I still feel the pain and we are still together but I know I am stronger. If her drinking starts we're done. I don't fear being alone. I fear not being true to myself and giving myself a shot at being happy. For now, her being sober makes me happy but I am done giving her chances to make me miserable. Her loss if she loses me down the road.
I truly hope you find happiness and see that you are strong and deserve more than this. Being alone may hurt but you are strong enough to survive. Just believe...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 48
Thank you. I think I am terrified of being alone even though I already am mostly alone and utterly lonely. My ABF is ghosting put on me this week so I'm really feeling out the alone thing. Doing a lot of yoga, walks, bad boring tv, exhaustion from grief and aimless puttering.I know there is joy in being alone but close to values. You're right about being true to yourself. I am far from myself now but inching closer.
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