Will I ever be ready to live with my husband again

Old 08-29-2017, 02:11 PM
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Will I ever be ready to live with my husband again

Hello, I'm new here, I suppose I need people to talk to, some One who has been in the same boat, my family and friends don't really understand.
It may be a long one.
I found out my husband is an alcoholic, I didn't know although the past year I started to wonder and question his drinking a lot. The last few months of our marriage just confirmed it all, it started when he had his first none paying customer. He is self employed and it really but him hard, emotionally as well as financially. It just escalated from there.
He went missing for a week, I had the police out as he had mentioned a few times that I would be better off with out him, the kids would be better off if he wasn't there ect. Every knick on the door I expected the worst and it drove me mad when he was found safe and well at a friend's house (hadn't seen this guy for 12 years). My family obviously gave as much support they could and i talked to my husband about going to one recovery. He missed his appointment and carried on drinking.
While he is drunk he gets verbal, calling me every name under the sun and this started to happen in front of our kids. So I'd leave him to go get drunk, I didn't bother begging him to come home and is basically already reacted breaking point. He reminded me many times it was his house and his car and I should go, so one day 3 months ago I just did. I ended up in a hostel after sleeping on my friends sofa, he turned up drunk and wrecked our car. It was like he panicked that if gone, he kept saying "I never for a second thought you would." But he'd said it enough times and I just couldn't take anymore.
I tried so hard to support him that I look back and think that I enabled him by 'mothering' him. It was like he was two people, my hubby and then this new person I didn't know.
After 2 weeks he started going to groups and one to one counselling. He detoxed slowly and safely. I attended a session with him by his invite, and he told me everything.
He's been to rehab before, he knew he was an alcholic, he was drinking a hell of a lot more than I thought, he stole money from me and skipped work days that I didn't know about.
He's been sober 3 weeks now, am I wrong in thinking this is still early days? Don't get me wrong I'm really proud and I tell him a lot, the difference is great. He's more like his old self. Kind, supportive and loving. He is seeing the boys a lot and we spend time together to.
I have just moved into a house, and he wants to live with me. I want to live with him to, I miss him so much. But, I'm so scared. I can't let go of all that's happened, I still get so angry when I think about It, I still cry a lot about it and I do find myself resenting him for doing this to us. He doesn't seem to understand why I say no to him moving in.
The man I in all in love with would never call me the things he did, he's never threaten me with no home or to call the police if I drive the car.
What if it happens again? What if he starts drinking again. I don't think I could cope with it, people told me I looked ill, I lost a lot of weight and didn't sleep for days with what happened.
My family don't help. They are brilliant with me but as they've seen me hurt they have demonized him, and I mean very unreasonable. It's like he can't do a thing right at all, he says he misses his wife and kids they go on like he treats me as a possession. Then when I explain he felt pressure to be a provider when we can share the load, they say it's his job. He just can't win. I don't want to loose their support as I do need it but I know they'd never support him again after this, which he needs to maintain a sober life, Right?

I just want to know how I could forgive him, I don't expect him to apologise again and again. To grovel or make it up to me. I just expect him to get support and help with his alcoholism. I expect understanding that it takes time, trust needs to be built up.
How long will it take for me to move on from this? I'm usually a very forgiving person, but it still feels so raw and it's like it happened yesterday at times. Other times I can spend all day with him without me thinking about it.
I think my biggest worry his him slipping back into a bottle and I know I can't stay if that happens, I have our boys to think about, they can't live like that.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks x
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Old 08-29-2017, 02:24 PM
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Sending you a hug.

Three weeks is NOTHING except the start of a start.

Your instincts are to protect yourself and your children from any more chaos and you should listen to them, yes? And you have a right to how you feel and to have the time you need to process what has happened.

If he's serious about recovery he will respect your wanting more time. If he has a fit...he's not serious, he's just staying dry long enough to get back to the status quo.

Think months, not weeks. A year, even. It's one thing if it were just you but your boys do not need to witness him verbally abusing you.

Do you have access to some counseling or Alanon?

Have another hug.
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Old 08-29-2017, 02:53 PM
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Hi, KH.
Welcome to SR.
Im glad your husband has embraced sobriety, and I hope he succeeds in his recovery.
It's very early days yet, and you sound as though you are struggling with the revelation about his drinking and his behavior toward you when he is drunk.
Really, there is no reason for you to reconcile, simply because he has stopped drinking, though he would probably like that.
Stopping is a good start, but he has a long road ahead of him.
First, I would get some form of group support if ypu don't have any.
Al-Anon is a good fellowship of people who have experienced your situation.
Second, I would take steps to protect my finances, just in case he relapses.
Third, move into that house without him.
Time and distance will bring clarity.
How about taking good care of you and your family, while your husband works on his recovery?
Very often, sadly, drinkers will stop drinking for a while in response to a loved one's ultimatum.
Only time will tell if he can stay stopped.
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Old 08-29-2017, 03:11 PM
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I don't want to loose their support as I do need it but I know they'd never support him again after this, which he needs to maintain a sober life, Right?

nope, he doesn't NEED their support or your support to stay sober. he needs to BE committed to staying sober no matter what, and that includes p!ssed off inlaws. i can see why they aren't grabbing the pom poms just yet.

he behaved atrociously.........over TIME. not just once. and while i'm sure there were honest reveals in the treatment session, he did NOT tell you EVERYTHING. there is always much, much more. they will reveal enough to get "atta boys" for telling the truth, and hope everyone just takes them at their word and doesn't look any deeper.

i'd say give it a year......and if in that time he has been able to maintain his recovery, keep up with meetings, after care, behave like a humble adult, not make demands on you.......then.......maybe you can talk about reconciling or re-cohabitating.
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Old 08-29-2017, 04:05 PM
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I have friends who are self-employed. They run into non-paying clients too. It doesn't mean that they immediately go on benders and become verbally abusive. And many people face pressure as family providers. They deal with it without turning to alcoholic. Look at yourself. You're already dealing with so much on your plate and is that an excuse for you to become an alcoholic?

For the sake of your family, you need to know what his reaction will be when he hits that next road bump, when things don't go his way. Unfortunately, his previous reactions don't bode well for him.

I would wait a year to see what he does. He can't just get sober just to get back to you. It's flattering, but that's not a solid foundation for his sobriety, for once he's back, there's no reason for him to stay sober.

HE has to want it for himself. You can't do the wanting for him.

I just want to know how I could forgive him, I don't expect him to apologise again and again. To grovel or make it up to me. I just expect him to get support and help with his alcoholism.
On occasion, I have been known to open up a Bible. When Jesus Christ was nailed up on the cross and cried "Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do," he wasn't expecting the entire populace to weep and cry as soon as they received forgiveness. He wasn't expecting to be taken down from the cross alive. The people He wanted to forgive were just going to do whatever the heck they wanted. He wanted to forgive because he felt compassion for those who punished him, not because he was expecting an outcome.

You can feel compassion for your husband, and you can grant forgiveness for the sake of your own heart. But forgiveness doesn't mean that he will stay sober, and forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to take him back.
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Old 08-29-2017, 06:46 PM
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Welcome,
Move out and don't look back. He has a lot of work to do on himself to get healthy. It is not only the "stop" drinking part, it is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. They have to be fully commited to staying sober, its really not easy.

Let him do this on his own. You/we can not help the addict in anyway. You have enabled him to get to this point already. Step back and let him figure sobriety out by himself.

Protect yourself and your children. Take this time and work on creating a healthy enviornment for your kids to grow up in. Its about the kids, not the addict anymore!! Maybe when he has a year of sobriety under his belt, and you see his changes, you can think of working things out.

Hugs and keep posting.
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Old 08-29-2017, 11:43 PM
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Thank you every one

Thank you all.
He did fall very far very fast, and believe me he's had everything you have all said from me. I know it's true and I do really have my gaurd up. I think for the sake of my boys, as I do believe if it was just me we'd be living together already, or I just never would have left. I am just thankful their perception of daddy the hero hasn't actually been affected, again yet. That's what'll kill me, hearing them say something about their dad, or even worse their childhood being ruined to the point they can't wait to leave home. I'm not having our babies lives ruined, mine wasn't all that great, I don't want that for them.

He hasn't made demands, yet, but I am expecting them at some point. He just kind of sits there and takes It, then I feel guilty after.
Every time we have an argument, which is another thing we never argued before, i do pick them and i have been really blowing up, all due to recentment. I have checked his friends bins for alcohol, sad right. And his bag, tool boxes ect. But that's how much I expect it to happen, especially since he lives with his friend that also drinks, although not an alcoholic he still drinks in front of him regularly. Husband is getting a flat of his own which im happy about but i also think that's when it may happen, when he's alone.

I know he's quit for me, although he denies it and says "in some ways a bit but do you think I enjoy being like that, it's for the kids so I can see them, and me so I can be normal." Believe me im not flattered in the slightest, me being flattered would be it never happening in the first place and having my husbsnd back on his pedestal. I'm glad he got proper help though, although the after care is lacking, he and I both see the same counsellor, which we have to pay for privately.
I was surprised he enjoyed the group's with his detox program. He always said it's something he wouldn't do, and although when it ends some ask if they're going to the pub, not joking, he has met others who have helped him.

I miss him so much, I know this is going to take a long time, we are still a couple just not living together, because I need to protect myself and my kids.
The family thing still annoys me, as it is only my dad and step mum, who just generally had it out for him anyway, this just gave the ammunition. They say they don't hate him but the constant put downs say otherwise, I don't expect them to be cheering him on or love him, but not to constantly barate every thing he does. Even giving me money for the kids, gets shot down. My sister is talking to him, and offering support, still telling him me and the kids are always number 1priority to her, which he gets.

I still hate him for doing this to us, I feel daft for wanting to turn back the clock but I'd give anything.
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Old 08-30-2017, 12:16 AM
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KH89......I can see that this has taken a terrible toll on you. Thankfully, you do seem to have enough survival instinct to understand the need to care for yourself and those kids....even if you do love him. You can probably see, already, that love is not enough to protect the family from the destructiveness of this disease......That is a big reality to accept, I know.....
Recovery takes time...and, you need to be willing to give time. Time for yourself to get clear about what you want to go forward.....
***If he is to get into genuine recovery and be willing to work a vigorous program (like AA) for the rest of his life...it takes time.....
Don't make the mistake of jumping back into the pot, because of his pleas, or your personal lonliness.
Educate yourself about what the early recovery period is really about...so that you know what you are really up against. Your decisions must be based on reality.....

I am going to give you a link to the Classic Reading section of our Stickies....The stickies are listed above the threads.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

I suggest that you begin reading some of these articles.....they are a good library of information about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones......
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Old 08-30-2017, 12:54 AM
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Thank you for this, I've found lots on going through detox and rehab ect but not a lot for after, early sobriety or families. I do want to help him through this, even if we never live together again, for his sake and for the sake if out kids.
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Old 08-30-2017, 01:13 AM
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KH89....On amazon you can find the following books. They are quite inexpensive, if you get the used ones.....
"Loving someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
"Living With sobriety"
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Old 08-30-2017, 07:18 AM
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My opinion is that three weeks is NOTHING. Not to negate his work he has done so far, but for myself, it's actions over the course of a long time, no words. And three weeks is just not long enough.

There will always be chaos. There will always be someone who does not pay, death, sickness, etc. Many alcoholics use those things as their trigger to start drinking again. I would need to know that is not going to happen.

I encourage you to take this time, separately, to work on your own needs. To get face to face support that you deserve, and keep the focus on YOU.

Gentle hugs.
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Old 08-30-2017, 10:59 AM
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Three weeks isn't a long time at all. It's a great start, but there's still such a long road ahead. I understand what you're feeling, but my advice is to really put your self-care and the care of your kids first and foremost. It sounds like you've been through a lot and I can absolutely relate. What I didn't do for a very long time was take care of myself because I had gotten into this cycle of cleaning up the messes AH got himself into. Definitely get yourself to Al-Anon. I recently started going again and it feels so good being around people who understand. You mentioned not being able to find a lot of resources regarding early sobriety for families - Al-Anon can definitely be of help there. You'll meet people who have been through it, know exactly what you're dealing with and can help you feel a little less alone in what can be a tremendously isolating experience. Please be good to yourself. *hugs*
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Old 08-30-2017, 11:24 AM
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He's been sober 3 weeks now, am I wrong in thinking this is still early days?
Very early days and nothing to bet your future on at this point in time. He still needs to learn healthier coping skills then reaching for a bottle of booze when things don’t go his way. He still needs to learn healthier communication skills other than verbal abuse towards his wife when things don’t go his way, those under lying issues don’t just go away on their own or when the consumption of alcohol ceases.

Anyone can be nice, pleasant, and happy to be around in the short run it is that long hall that becomes questionable especially with an alcoholic who relapses. You need time to see what more will be revealed.

I might suggest that you set up a scheduled time for him to spend with the kids, much like one might be in place should you divorce and he gets visitations. See how he does with rules and schedules that will give you a good indication of his recovery.
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