Afraid of losing myself
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Afraid of losing myself
Hi all,
This is my first post, I hope you can offer some advice.
I've been seeing a guy for only a short while but we fell for each other right away... love at first sight, if you believe in that sort of thing.
His drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly and he confided in me that it had been going on for over a decade.
He says he has never felt the inclination to try and get real help before but that our relationship makes him want to get sober, he wants to truly make a nice life for himself with me, etc.
He spent a week detoxing at home, which I know is dangerous, but showed no signs of DT and seemed to be doing ok, after the initial first few days of feeing like he was on death's door.
However, he stumbled at the end of the first week and instead of talking it through with me, he kept me at arms length, acted very nonchalant about seeing me or spending time with me and I realise now it's because of the smell of alcohol on his breath; he didn't want to get caught out.
I can understand how hard this is for him, I can understand the instinctive urge to try and hide it from me; he felt ashamed. I get that.
But his tactic was to act like he suddenly didn't care about me anymore. And when I expressed my feelings about that, told him I was hurt, he intimated that I was being unreasonable.
I realise that this stuff is going to happen. It's not going to be easy for either of us and I do want to try and stick this out, to be there for him and try to support him through this as best I can.
My question is, how do I do that without sacrificing my own self? I felt like I had to push my feelings aside, that if I spoke up too much, it might just drive him to drink further, etc.
How do you support someone through something like this without putting your own wellbeing on the back burner?
It's still so early in his recovery and so early in our relationship, but I don't want to give up on it, I need to set a good foundation for what is acceptable and what isn't, without him feeling like I'm overbearing and without me feeling like my own feelings and emotions are always playing second fiddle.
Any advice greatly appreciated, thank you xx
This is my first post, I hope you can offer some advice.
I've been seeing a guy for only a short while but we fell for each other right away... love at first sight, if you believe in that sort of thing.
His drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly and he confided in me that it had been going on for over a decade.
He says he has never felt the inclination to try and get real help before but that our relationship makes him want to get sober, he wants to truly make a nice life for himself with me, etc.
He spent a week detoxing at home, which I know is dangerous, but showed no signs of DT and seemed to be doing ok, after the initial first few days of feeing like he was on death's door.
However, he stumbled at the end of the first week and instead of talking it through with me, he kept me at arms length, acted very nonchalant about seeing me or spending time with me and I realise now it's because of the smell of alcohol on his breath; he didn't want to get caught out.
I can understand how hard this is for him, I can understand the instinctive urge to try and hide it from me; he felt ashamed. I get that.
But his tactic was to act like he suddenly didn't care about me anymore. And when I expressed my feelings about that, told him I was hurt, he intimated that I was being unreasonable.
I realise that this stuff is going to happen. It's not going to be easy for either of us and I do want to try and stick this out, to be there for him and try to support him through this as best I can.
My question is, how do I do that without sacrificing my own self? I felt like I had to push my feelings aside, that if I spoke up too much, it might just drive him to drink further, etc.
How do you support someone through something like this without putting your own wellbeing on the back burner?
It's still so early in his recovery and so early in our relationship, but I don't want to give up on it, I need to set a good foundation for what is acceptable and what isn't, without him feeling like I'm overbearing and without me feeling like my own feelings and emotions are always playing second fiddle.
Any advice greatly appreciated, thank you xx
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
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Welcome. Sorry for what brings you here but am glad you are reaching out for perspective from people who have similar experience to the situation you are in.
You asked for advice. My loving, simple, clear advice is to walk away from him now. If you decide to stay, you are inviting all manner of heartache and difficulties into your life.
You asked for advice. My loving, simple, clear advice is to walk away from him now. If you decide to stay, you are inviting all manner of heartache and difficulties into your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Thank you for your response. You're almost definitely right, I'm sure that's what any sane person would do.
Thing is, I've been through some dark times in my past and there were times where I became 'too much' for people to deal with; they had to walk away from me, too and the sense of abandonment was intensely painful.
I can tell this is a man who has been abandoned time and time again and I know it's not my job to save him. But he needs just one person who believes in him and I want to be that person, I'm just so worried that i might not be strong enough
Thing is, I've been through some dark times in my past and there were times where I became 'too much' for people to deal with; they had to walk away from me, too and the sense of abandonment was intensely painful.
I can tell this is a man who has been abandoned time and time again and I know it's not my job to save him. But he needs just one person who believes in him and I want to be that person, I'm just so worried that i might not be strong enough
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23 
But he needs just one person who believes in him and I want to be that person, I'm just so worried that i might not be strong enough
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He needs for HIM to believe in him. Very few people become successfully, happily sober just by trying to stop drinking on their own. By the time you're at the point where you HAVE to get sober, it's already out of your control. YOU can't be that support for him--he needs other people who have done it. Whether that's AA or some other program or an informal support group like SR.
Given that your relationship is very new, I'd suggest telling him that you care very much about him but that you are going to step away while he focuses on his recovery. You can tell him you will be cheering him on, but can't be involved emotionally beyond that until he's solidly sober.
I'd suggest walking away, too, but it's clear you're not ready to do that. This will protect you at least from harming your life while you see whether he's really ready to do the work necessary for him to be any kind of good relationship material.
And I suggest doing a whole lot of educating yourself about alcoholism in the meantime--you should know what you are letting yourself in for.
Given that your relationship is very new, I'd suggest telling him that you care very much about him but that you are going to step away while he focuses on his recovery. You can tell him you will be cheering him on, but can't be involved emotionally beyond that until he's solidly sober.
I'd suggest walking away, too, but it's clear you're not ready to do that. This will protect you at least from harming your life while you see whether he's really ready to do the work necessary for him to be any kind of good relationship material.
And I suggest doing a whole lot of educating yourself about alcoholism in the meantime--you should know what you are letting yourself in for.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He spent a week detoxing at home, which I know is dangerous, but showed no signs of DT and seemed to be doing ok, after the initial first few days of feeing like he was on death's door.
However, he stumbled at the end of the first week and instead of talking it through with me, he kept me at arms length, acted very nonchalant about seeing me or spending time with me and I realise now it's because of the smell of alcohol on his breath; he didn't want to get caught out.
I know it's not my job to save him. But he needs just one person who believes in him and I want to be that person, I'm just so worried that i might not be strong enough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sylvie.....here is where you can find the stickies.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
Make sure you check out the very bottom one!!!.....the section called Classic Reading has dozens of wonderful articles.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
Make sure you check out the very bottom one!!!.....the section called Classic Reading has dozens of wonderful articles.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
But he needs just one person who believes in him and I want to be that person, I'm just so worried that i might not be strong enough
The above statement is opinion, not fact. It's not your responsibility to believe in him. It's his. Recovery from alcoholism is hard work, and it's not something you can do for him, or even will for him. He has to want to do it, and if he ever chooses to do so, he will do it with or without you in his life. I'm not trying in any way to sound harsh, but the truth of the matter is that no one 'needs' anyone else to become sober. They just don't.
The above statement is opinion, not fact. It's not your responsibility to believe in him. It's his. Recovery from alcoholism is hard work, and it's not something you can do for him, or even will for him. He has to want to do it, and if he ever chooses to do so, he will do it with or without you in his life. I'm not trying in any way to sound harsh, but the truth of the matter is that no one 'needs' anyone else to become sober. They just don't.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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If love could cure addiction, this board would not exist.
Please trust your instincts...your thread title is absolutely correct. If you stay with this man, you will lose yourself and your sanity to his alcoholism.
If you read other threads here and I hope you will, this is Alcoholic 101. It's always love at first sight and magical connection...because alcoholics have to be charming and intuitive. It's a survival mechanism. The other reality is that alcoholics don't really have an identity much of the time because the addiction is too all-consuming. So we learn to be who others want us to be...until it becomes impossible to maintain the facade.
Love bombing...then retreat...repeat...repeat...repeat. You will spend your life this way.
Don't do this to yourself, okay?
Please trust your instincts...your thread title is absolutely correct. If you stay with this man, you will lose yourself and your sanity to his alcoholism.
If you read other threads here and I hope you will, this is Alcoholic 101. It's always love at first sight and magical connection...because alcoholics have to be charming and intuitive. It's a survival mechanism. The other reality is that alcoholics don't really have an identity much of the time because the addiction is too all-consuming. So we learn to be who others want us to be...until it becomes impossible to maintain the facade.
Love bombing...then retreat...repeat...repeat...repeat. You will spend your life this way.
Don't do this to yourself, okay?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Thank you so much for your response. I just feel like a total fool at the moment and it's so confusing.
I've been on my own for some time after finally escaping a rather abusive relationship with my ex and after a few terrible first dates which led nowhere, I really felt like this one was something worth exploring. It's very difficult for me to admit that I might be wrong about that.
I completely understand what you've all said, it makes sense and I think I already knew it in my mind... it's having the strength to feel it in your heart too, that's the tricky part. Emotion always seems to win over logic.
His doctor has suggested a rehab program to him and he really wants to do it but his boss told him they couldn't afford to lose him for that long and so that was the end of that, so to speak. very unsupportive of them, made me so mad!! How could they want him to carry on turning up already drunk and drinking all through his lunch break, why would they prefer that than to give him some time to get better?!
Thanks all for your support. I've got some difficult decisions to make here...
I've been on my own for some time after finally escaping a rather abusive relationship with my ex and after a few terrible first dates which led nowhere, I really felt like this one was something worth exploring. It's very difficult for me to admit that I might be wrong about that.
I completely understand what you've all said, it makes sense and I think I already knew it in my mind... it's having the strength to feel it in your heart too, that's the tricky part. Emotion always seems to win over logic.
His doctor has suggested a rehab program to him and he really wants to do it but his boss told him they couldn't afford to lose him for that long and so that was the end of that, so to speak. very unsupportive of them, made me so mad!! How could they want him to carry on turning up already drunk and drinking all through his lunch break, why would they prefer that than to give him some time to get better?!
Thanks all for your support. I've got some difficult decisions to make here...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23
His doctor has suggested a rehab program to him and he really wants to do it but his boss told him they couldn't afford to lose him for that long and so that was the end of that, so to speak. very unsupportive of them, made me so mad!! How could they want him to carry on turning up already drunk and drinking all through his lunch break, why would they prefer that than to give him some time to get better?!
I believed XAH way, way longer than I should have. He'd been lying almost since day one of a 19-year marriage. He lied even when he had no reason to do so, about things he knew I didn't/wouldn't care about. It was truly amazing to me once the scope of the lies began to come to light.
And I will suggest that your situation may be similar...
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I hate to say this...but do you know for a fact that's what his boss said about rehab?
Addicts of all stripes lie. And make excuses. And twist things around to be the victim. Especially when it might involve having to stop drinking.
You haven't known this man very long and you really don't know what lies beneath. Most people can keep it together for a few months of any new relationship.
Your heart is all jacked up on feel-good infatuation hormones...let your excellent brain make the decisions, yes?
Addicts of all stripes lie. And make excuses. And twist things around to be the victim. Especially when it might involve having to stop drinking.
You haven't known this man very long and you really don't know what lies beneath. Most people can keep it together for a few months of any new relationship.
Your heart is all jacked up on feel-good infatuation hormones...let your excellent brain make the decisions, yes?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
His doctor has suggested a rehab program to him and he really wants to do it but his boss told him they couldn't afford to lose him for that long and so that was the end of that, so to speak. very unsupportive of them, made me so mad!!
Did that sound promising to you, that he really wants to go to rehab and deal with this problem so then everything would be ok. It gave you hope right? It keeps you hanging on, right? It’s called manipulation! Kind of like what drug dealers do to addicts, gives them just enough to keep them coming back for more. And that’s what he’d giving you just enough BS to keep you hooked.
BUT then that dang boss of his just won’t let him go..................oh how convenient!
No addict I know that really did want to get clean would allow a job, a person, a place or anything to get in his or her way to finding recovery.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Everything Sylvie said also happened to me. I still think about him. I can't help him anymore. The bad times were terrible. The situation is still new for me but if I could go back in time, I would have never let myself get into the relationship. It would have saved me a lot of heartbreak.
Originally Posted by sylvie83
You are not alone in your feelings. You are not a bad person for feeling them. They are what you know. You are in a very difficult situation which most of us on here have been in (I know that's hard to believe).
But only you are in your exact situation and it's (of course) your choice what you do and you shouldn't be judged for it. It's your journey and his is his.
I don't hate him. I know he is partly a wonderful person and he HAS had his troubles. But he is also an alcoholic and even though he wanted to stop and felt ashamed, he lifted that bottle to his lips over and over again and stood me up, let me down, lied, got into debt, hid it from his family, made excuses at work, blamed everyone under the sun, thought of no-one but himself most of the time.. God only knows what else he did that I don't know about. The cocaine habit emerged towards the end....looking back there was also a whole heap of other stuff in our relationship that was unhealthy and I never really liked. The little put downs...the lack of support....the sabotage when I had important work or deadlines etc etc etc
But only you are in your exact situation and it's (of course) your choice what you do and you shouldn't be judged for it. It's your journey and his is his.
I don't hate him. I know he is partly a wonderful person and he HAS had his troubles. But he is also an alcoholic and even though he wanted to stop and felt ashamed, he lifted that bottle to his lips over and over again and stood me up, let me down, lied, got into debt, hid it from his family, made excuses at work, blamed everyone under the sun, thought of no-one but himself most of the time.. God only knows what else he did that I don't know about. The cocaine habit emerged towards the end....looking back there was also a whole heap of other stuff in our relationship that was unhealthy and I never really liked. The little put downs...the lack of support....the sabotage when I had important work or deadlines etc etc etc
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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I've been seeing a guy for only a short while but we fell for each other right away... love at first sight, if you believe in that sort of thing.
His drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly and he confided in me that it had been going on for over a decade.
if i had a dollar for every new poster who starts with that scenario, i'd be quite wealthy.
but the key takeaway is you've been dating for a SHORT WHILE. and look at all that has come up, been revealed, and happening right in front of your eyes. and how quickly you are to want to be THE ONE who HELPS him.
dating is the getting to know you period.....and we should be cautious and taking notes. you've been thru ONE detox....you think that was really his first time EVER trying to quit? it's only the first one you've seen. all of this is first time FOR YOU. not for him. he's a pro. he goes to work drunk, drinks AT work.
really not much else to see here.....unless you like misery.
His drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly and he confided in me that it had been going on for over a decade.
if i had a dollar for every new poster who starts with that scenario, i'd be quite wealthy.
but the key takeaway is you've been dating for a SHORT WHILE. and look at all that has come up, been revealed, and happening right in front of your eyes. and how quickly you are to want to be THE ONE who HELPS him.
dating is the getting to know you period.....and we should be cautious and taking notes. you've been thru ONE detox....you think that was really his first time EVER trying to quit? it's only the first one you've seen. all of this is first time FOR YOU. not for him. he's a pro. he goes to work drunk, drinks AT work.
really not much else to see here.....unless you like misery.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Upsidedown, I believed XAH b/c I wanted to believe him. I loved him and I wanted to believe the best about him. I wanted him to want to get better. I married him b/c I loved him and trusted him!
You are not an idiot, you are a human being, and you are not doing anything the rest of us (or any other human being) haven't also done in a similar situation.
You are not an idiot, you are a human being, and you are not doing anything the rest of us (or any other human being) haven't also done in a similar situation.
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23
Oh god... I'm an idiot aren't I
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
I must say, I read through the 'Red Flags' sticky and very few of them sound familiar.
I just typed out a whole paragraph about what a kind, seeet and gentle person he seems. But then I realised I knew what you'd say, that I'm being manipulated, and decided not to bother!
This is terribly confusing, I've never felt so emotionally attached to someone so quickly and even after only being together for a short time, I feel genuine pain at the idea of having to step away from this. It sounds like it must be the right thing to do, just really struggling to find the courage to do it.
I just typed out a whole paragraph about what a kind, seeet and gentle person he seems. But then I realised I knew what you'd say, that I'm being manipulated, and decided not to bother!
This is terribly confusing, I've never felt so emotionally attached to someone so quickly and even after only being together for a short time, I feel genuine pain at the idea of having to step away from this. It sounds like it must be the right thing to do, just really struggling to find the courage to do it.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Upside, you're not an idiot. You're a trusting, caring person, and I'd guess you're generally pretty honest. It's normal that an honest person would want to believe that others are honest, also. However, Addiction isn't honest. IDK. If you're ready to see that, and not immediately push it off as "Oh, he'd never do that...", you're doing OK. Really.
Hang in there; keep reaching out for support for you.
Hang in there; keep reaching out for support for you.
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