amberyodeller

Hi everyone. My wife is an alcoholic. I am getting near the end of my tether with her and don't know where to turn. I love her, but hate her at the same time because I feel I am married to two different people. The sober version I love, the drunk I hate. The drunk one unfortunately arrives every evening after a couple bottles of wine.
She knows she has a problem, knows how I feel, but shows no willingness to stop. I don't know what to do.
Any help or advice will be gratefully received.

BlownOne

Hi Ambery. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do if she doesn't want to quit drinking. You can't do it for her and you can't make her want to stop. She has to want it for herself and she has to do the work for herself. In the short term, I would suggest some type of counseling for yourself to help you process what you're having to live with, and in the long term, perhaps begin thinking about whether or not staying in this relationship with an alcoholic who doesn't want to change is how you want to spend the rest of your life. If she doesn't stop drinking, it will NOT get better. It will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive. In short, right now is as good as it's going to get unless she stops drinking and embraces recovery. It may take her hitting some kind of bottom for her to want to stop. That's different for all of us. Best wishes to you.

CelticZebra

Unfortunately the progression of alcoholism means that you wife will become the person you don't like more often if she cannot stop.
My husband begged me to stop, threatened me with all sorts but nobody can make another do their bidding.
Time to look at what you can live with and learn about boundaries and recovery for yourself regardless of others choices.

maia1234

A,
Welcome, glad you found us. I wish we could hand you a piece of paper that tells you how to get our spouse sober and live happily ever after. It just doesn't exist, I am sad to say. Life with an addict is not easy. I did it for 34 years until I was going crazy, I finally got off the crazy train... ugh!!

What we can tell you is that there is a lot of support for us "codies". Education is power. I would read the stickies above, maybe hit an alanon meeting or open aa meeting. Seek out a therapist for support. I would stay away from joint counseling, as most therapist won't see you if there is addiction involved.

Read all over this forum. Your aw (alcoholic wife) is no special snow flake. You will read the stories and realize that she does the same things all of our spouses did/do. But with education, we learn how to take our power back, we learn how not to obsess over our addicts, we learn to let them take responsibilty for themselves. (meaning if they are drunk and pass out, let them sleep on the floor, don't help them to bed).

Keep reading, and asking questions, we are all here for you!! Hugs!!

Onefortheditch

My partner is an alcoholic.
Walking on eggshells is exhausting and that's what I seem to do all the time.
Try to avoid a row cos he'll drink
Try to make him eat to absorb the drink
Try to chat away merrily to distract him from the drink.
Etc
Anything to avoid the unleashing of the drunken beast and the ensuing rows.
It's no life is it.
I've made him go stay with a friend and already the relief is palpable.

amberyodeller

Thanks for the advice ladies and gents.
I am trying to live with her the best way I can.
My personal policy over the past year or so has been to just avoid any sort of meaningful conversation with her after a certain point of consumption. I have learned that this is easier than any verbal interaction as I am never sure where that will lead.
This policy however does leave life fairly empty at times, (Well every night actually) but it works for me so far.
Thing is that she actually knows this is what I am doing (I have told her) but it makes no difference whatsoever.
I am at the stage when I am getting annoyed as soon as I hear the first slur in her voice, which is generally as soon as I get home from work as she has usually downed the first bottle by then whilst making dinner.
I am glad I have found a place where I can at least vent my spleen among other people who will understand.
Thanks Guys.

dandylion

ambery....if you have got some time on your hands....you might read through these wonderful articles from our sticky section....located just above the threads.
Here is a link.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

dandylion

Here is a diagram of how to find the "sticky section"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html

amberyodeller

Hi all.
Just had a positive conversation with my wife about her drinking.
Got home early from work and we spoke for 2 hours about it before she started to drink.
She says that she really wants to stop. About how bad she feels about herself. How much she beats herself up about it. Every day she wants to not drink but cant find the strength to not open the bottle.
She is acknowledging the fact that alcohol has taken over her life as her first love and that she wants to get her life and pride back.
I have softly suggested a group meeting with other people who have been there and would understand what she is going through would be the best place to start.
She says she is too ashamed / Embarrassed right now to go there.
I am going to suggest that she looks online for help as this is an anonymous place to be for someone feeling that way.
I have not told her that I have been on here seeking advice on how to deal with her. Should I? Do you think it would help if we are both here, or should I let her find her own way to her own solution?
I think the latter but I am no expert so would welcome any advice from someone with more experience than I.
I know it's not her getting off the wagon. but at least she is thinking about how to, which I am so pleased about.
Thanks for listening and your pointers so far.

Onefortheditch

I don't want to sound negative but this is entirely the reply I got to the sane suggestion a year ago.
Nothing has changed.
I feel that if he was serious about giving up he'd be at a meeting/in rehab and embarrassment wouldn't even come into it.
It's just telling us what we want to hear.

LeeJane

Sorry but I agree, she is telling you what you want to hear.

Also when my alcoholism was active, I used to love a deep discussion before sinking into my drink. It made me feel like I had done something useful so I enjoyed my drink more and also felt guilt free.

All part of the denial and mind games within alcoholism.

When alcoholics are serious about quitting and recovery, there is action. Words mean nothing.

Sorry.

BlownOne

IMO when people really want to change, embarrassment goes out the window. It's just another alcoholic justification to delay action. Real recovery is all about putting on the big girl/big boy pants and getting it done.

anodes7102

Blown One has summoned it up perfectly and that was exactly my experience.

Zak68

I've been in your shoes. I went through 6-7 years of dealing with her saying she wants to stop, short periods, then starting. I was frustrated and played the enabler to her addiction by allowing her to drink by not standing my ground on her stopping.
If she wants to stop that is good. My wife avoided groups and counseling for years. She was too embarrassed and as a local REALTOR she felt if people knew she would never be able to make another sale. When she finally went to group (detailed later) she found other "career" women out there like here. All were ashamed and afraid they were the only ones. She quickly realized they were all alike. Hiding behind the bottle to avoid their insecurities.
The breaking point for her was an affair with my best friend (he told her she wasn't a drunk, what she wanted to hear and not what I told her). I took her back. drinking started, kicked her out, then she tried to kill herself. After she recovered she realized she hit bottom. Sober since September 2009.
I pray you never have to experience that. Tell her she is not alone, get help before it takes over her life and she gets in too deep.

tomsteve

amber, imma gonna agree with others and be a little brutally honest:
saying too ashamed and embarrassed is a copout.
shame and embarrassment DONT go away with more drinking- they get worse.
i walked into AA with 100% incomprehensible demoralization. IF i waited until the shame and embarassment was gone, i would have gone into AA in my casket.

i thought for YEARS about how to yet also didnt want to believe i needed help or that alcohol was a problem.
so id TRY and drink that thought away.
until the morning after my last drunk- when my (by then ex- i hadnt been informed yet) fiance told me some of what i had done and said the day/night before throught tears, then tossed me to the curb.
THATS when the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality. THATS when the 100% incomprehensible demoralization hit me smack dab in the face and i gave myself 2 choices- get help or kill myself.
with a bottle.

theres a HUGE difference between THINKING about and DOING something about. THINKING about can go on for YEARS.

we alcoholics either is or we isnt getting help. period.


"or should I let her find her own way to her own solution?'
if she truly wants to quit and wants help, she will put in the footwork without you carrying her.

loulou1981

Hi, im pretty sure this is exactly the post my hubbie would write!! Same as the others have said.....she needs to take action & not just say it. She can either come here or any other online group if she's not feeling like sewing people face to face.
I've bn sober for just over a month, i come on here every day & I go to therapy once a wk....its not ur job, but maybe suggest these other support options.
Do u ever buy her wine, if so u must stop it now, also if u drink, i would avoid it when ur around her.
Good luck!!

BlownOne

i walked into AA with 100% incomprehensible demoralization. IF i waited until the shame and embarassment was gone, i would have gone into AA in my casket.

i thought for YEARS about how to yet also didnt want to believe i needed help or that alcohol was a problem.
so id TRY and drink that thought away.

That was me, too. 100%. Wow.

involved

I sat in on an open AA meeting and heard someeone talk about the insanity of openly parking in front of the bar and publicly behaving they way they did while on their nightly spree but when attending AA meetings they parked down the street in hiding...but in my opinion, it doesnt matter where you park as long as your butt is in the AA chairs. I am sure the element of fear and shame are real with your wife...but when, and not until, it hurts enough she will get help... until then Al Anon helps us learn how to live happy lives wether the alcoholic is drinking or not. And we believe changed attitudes can aid in recovery. Still not sure if they are talking about the aa or the alanon or both lol hugs to you

Bernadette

My Mom had gotten the phone number, 24 hour hotline, to local AA and gave it to my Dad during one or another of a million ugly nights. His recovery story includes the fact that he didn't throw it away, he tucked it in his dresser drawer, and though he didn't call it for many more YEARS, he did eventually dial that number. The 12th stepper who came to pick him up for a cup of coffee and a chat turned out to be someone he went to high school with, someone he never knew was also an alcoholic. My dad got sober and found recovery, but not when mom or any of us kids wanted him to, just when he finally reached for that number himself, and picked up that phone himself.

Do something nice for yourself tonight - a front row seat to a night of an alcoholic loved one getting sloshed is no way to live!
Peace and (((((hugs)))))
B

amberyodeller

Hi.
Not logged on for a bit. Was waiting to see what outcome our positive conversation had. Your are all correct. Nothing has changed so far.
I will let you know if it does.
Thank you all for caring enough to advise me and your kind thought's.