relationships and time spent at meetings
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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relationships and time spent at meetings
Hello Everyone~
I am a child of an alcoholic and I was married for 28 years to an alcoholic for that never got sober.. I was in Alanon for 10 years. When i started dating i met the man of my dreams and he told me on our first date that he has been sober for 30 years. I was very ok with it and super impressed. When i met him he wasn't going to meetings and he was in a relationship previously for 4 years, where he was kind of dead and didn't go to meetings but didn't drink and wasn't happy.
So I mentioned he should go to meetings and give back and now i am suffering for it! I am kind of kidding but it takes a lot of time away from us which we don't have a lot of ... Oh and btw he proposed to me last November and we are engaged. What I am gonna say isn't pretty but it kicks up a feeling like he is sharing with these other people and i feel pushed out. He has invited me to go to the open meetings that he speaks at and he always introduces me and all that but its like the man has a long line of groupies ( men and women) and i stand on the sidelines. i feel like i am on the outside.
He just added a person he is sponsoring and all i keep thinking is ,
"what about me?" I am already back in alanon which kind of sucks because i thought those days were over. For the first year of our relationship he didn't go to meetings... i keep asking him why he was ok in that other relationship not to go ... he keeps saying he was dead for years and now he is embracing all the things that matter to him...and i know i encouraged him
He is a great guy and we have talked about all this and i get where he is coming from and he gets where i am coming from but it remains an issue... I am ok if you guys tell me its MY issue but i guess i am just venting. Its like he is entranced with AA and he is all excited and i feel he used to feel that way about me more.
I know sound immature and silly but just being honest .
I am a child of an alcoholic and I was married for 28 years to an alcoholic for that never got sober.. I was in Alanon for 10 years. When i started dating i met the man of my dreams and he told me on our first date that he has been sober for 30 years. I was very ok with it and super impressed. When i met him he wasn't going to meetings and he was in a relationship previously for 4 years, where he was kind of dead and didn't go to meetings but didn't drink and wasn't happy.
So I mentioned he should go to meetings and give back and now i am suffering for it! I am kind of kidding but it takes a lot of time away from us which we don't have a lot of ... Oh and btw he proposed to me last November and we are engaged. What I am gonna say isn't pretty but it kicks up a feeling like he is sharing with these other people and i feel pushed out. He has invited me to go to the open meetings that he speaks at and he always introduces me and all that but its like the man has a long line of groupies ( men and women) and i stand on the sidelines. i feel like i am on the outside.
He just added a person he is sponsoring and all i keep thinking is ,
"what about me?" I am already back in alanon which kind of sucks because i thought those days were over. For the first year of our relationship he didn't go to meetings... i keep asking him why he was ok in that other relationship not to go ... he keeps saying he was dead for years and now he is embracing all the things that matter to him...and i know i encouraged him
He is a great guy and we have talked about all this and i get where he is coming from and he gets where i am coming from but it remains an issue... I am ok if you guys tell me its MY issue but i guess i am just venting. Its like he is entranced with AA and he is all excited and i feel he used to feel that way about me more.
I know sound immature and silly but just being honest .
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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How long has your boyfriend been going to these meetings? I'm asking because if he just got into it recently, he could still be in the phase of infatuation with recovery. Some people throw themselves into new interests or preoccupations (which this sort of is) 120% for the first little while, then gradually step back and become more balanced. So if he's only been doing these intensive meetings and sharings for a short time, I would give it a little while longer to see how things shake out. I know when I first started going to AlAnon a few months ago, I was kind of infatuated by the whole recovery world, but I am now gradually levelling out. It's great and I intend to keep being active in the program, but it's not ALL THAT any more
However, if he's been doing this for a long time, AND you've brought up your concerns with feeling shut out but he hasn't changed, then it's a different situation.
However, if he's been doing this for a long time, AND you've brought up your concerns with feeling shut out but he hasn't changed, then it's a different situation.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
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Why did you think your Alanon days were over?
The way I see it, that's your recovery, just as AA is his recovery. Do you see his involvement as beneficial to him and his wellbeing? It sounds like he tries to include you where possible, but it is his recovery.
I also stopped going to meetings for a long time after many years of sobriety and ended up relapsing because I was so miserable. I'd drifted away from working the program in my life or being in contact with other recovering people.
Unless he's actually using meetings to avoid time with you or the relationship, I'd think it's a good thing he's involved again, as long as there's balance, Maybe that can even out in time if there isn't right now.
It might also help you if you had something similar for yourself to take the focus off him and to take care of you.
The way I see it, that's your recovery, just as AA is his recovery. Do you see his involvement as beneficial to him and his wellbeing? It sounds like he tries to include you where possible, but it is his recovery.
I also stopped going to meetings for a long time after many years of sobriety and ended up relapsing because I was so miserable. I'd drifted away from working the program in my life or being in contact with other recovering people.
Unless he's actually using meetings to avoid time with you or the relationship, I'd think it's a good thing he's involved again, as long as there's balance, Maybe that can even out in time if there isn't right now.
It might also help you if you had something similar for yourself to take the focus off him and to take care of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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thank you
Hi ,
I would say he has been back at meetings for about 2 months and he goes two nights a week and he speaks like once month and he also sponsors a few people . The hard thing is he works a lot of hours as well. I think he is taking my feelings into account and he agrees he is in that initial enthralled feeling. I think it will even out but its like he is so bonded with everyone there and i kind of fell pushed out, although he is trying to bring me in..he just invited me to an open meeting for tonight.
I would say he has been back at meetings for about 2 months and he goes two nights a week and he speaks like once month and he also sponsors a few people . The hard thing is he works a lot of hours as well. I think he is taking my feelings into account and he agrees he is in that initial enthralled feeling. I think it will even out but its like he is so bonded with everyone there and i kind of fell pushed out, although he is trying to bring me in..he just invited me to an open meeting for tonight.
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mad bird
Please forgive me i don't know how to respond individually here... I thought my alton days were over ( for a while at least) because i came out of a really difficult 10 years getting out of the bad situation and i met someone where those issues for me were not brought up ( my own issues) and as he went back into meetings its like i am losing him to meetings and other people and not to booze...
i think he is trying to balance but in the end i am just going to have to jump back in to the AA world..
i think he is trying to balance but in the end i am just going to have to jump back in to the AA world..
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Lisa....I have not been in such a relationship with an alcoholic.....
But, I am very familiar with workaholism in a partner....and, I feel like the basic dynamics are similar...
I think any -ism can be a way of avoiding feelings or situations (like relationships) which they can't/don't want to deal with. I don't think that it is, necessarily, always conscious....
My worry for you is that you are engaged. I would suggest that you serioulsy reconsider marriage....because anything that is a problem before marriage, becomes many times more exaggerated after marriage. And, it is eons easier to end an engagement, than a marriage.
You might take some time for yourself and step back, a bit, to gain more clarity about what is going on and to ho n or your own feelings/needs.....
I my own opinion, I don't think it is a good idea to have to submerge yourself into another persons "world" unless you have a desire to do so....
It can be easy to lose yourself just to preserve a relationship....
But, I am very familiar with workaholism in a partner....and, I feel like the basic dynamics are similar...
I think any -ism can be a way of avoiding feelings or situations (like relationships) which they can't/don't want to deal with. I don't think that it is, necessarily, always conscious....
My worry for you is that you are engaged. I would suggest that you serioulsy reconsider marriage....because anything that is a problem before marriage, becomes many times more exaggerated after marriage. And, it is eons easier to end an engagement, than a marriage.
You might take some time for yourself and step back, a bit, to gain more clarity about what is going on and to ho n or your own feelings/needs.....
I my own opinion, I don't think it is a good idea to have to submerge yourself into another persons "world" unless you have a desire to do so....
It can be easy to lose yourself just to preserve a relationship....
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Originally Posted by Lisakiki 
He is a great guy and we have talked about all this and i get where he is coming from and he gets where i am coming from but it remains an issue... I am ok if you guys tell me its MY issue but i guess i am just venting. Its like he is entranced with AA and he is all excited and i feel he used to feel that way about me more.
I know sound immature and silly but just being honest .
does he feel its an issue for him?
sasha brought up a very good point- even if hes been sober for some time, but away from meetings, he could be infatuated/addicted/entranced with meetings and the fellowship.
something that seems to get missed in AA is what the program says about balance. quite often a newcomer( or someone comin back who is still sober but hasnt been to a meeting inna while) can go overboard with AA. sometimes its a bit of an addiction, sometimes its a fear- having a belief that if a person isnt going to meetings, sponsoring, and doing service work, they will drink again. sometimes its a wee bit of ego- i can help where noone else can!
probably one of my favorite parts from the big book of AA:
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our SPARE time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.
heres another little line from the BB that can be about the newly sober or someone that hasnt been to meetings in a while that has jumped headlong into AA:
dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all.
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Thank you! Yes My Guy is a Big Book person and he even said he is in the pink cloud again.. I don't think its so much about drinking again ( not that it is out of the question) but more about the stinkin' Thinking' which he knows he can dip into. I think its also an ego thing because being sober for 31 years its like hero worship from the newcomers. On the other hand he can help them.. When i attend the meetings he speaks at i am very impressed and can see how people look up to him because he did and does the work and he also is no ********.
I think the shift in the relationship has been hard on me.
I think the shift in the relationship has been hard on me.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I think my concern would be about internal workings of the relationship, but not sure if it matters of the time spent is meeting related instead of related to his being out doing something else. Its good you both talked about it, but do you feel he "cared" about the impact it is having on you? Usually my husband and I try to compromise on things when we have differences. Each giving in a little because we value our relationship and want it to be strong as possible.
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this is where that "careful what you wish for" thing comes into play. or "careful what you suggest".
2 nights a week and a once a month speakership isn't really that much. and it's only been a couple months. being reconnected to AA has to be a real spiritual charge for him, like someone who hasn't played the piano for years and dives right into the insanely complex and difficult Campanella by Franz Lizst. the magic and power of the thing can catch one up.
and there ARE worse things a boyfriend could do with his time! especially an alcoholic boyfriend. he's been doing sober for a long time, long before you came along. that he works a lot does not necessarily mean he is a classic workaholic, using work to avoid life. he sounds the opposite in fact - busy, social and engaged in life.
please don't see AA as your competition. maybe turn it around and ask yourself what activities you could be doing, if any - back to alanon? some other support group? perhaps other personal enrichment courses or classes like theThe Artist's Way, or meditation, or creative writing? enrich and nurture!
2 nights a week and a once a month speakership isn't really that much. and it's only been a couple months. being reconnected to AA has to be a real spiritual charge for him, like someone who hasn't played the piano for years and dives right into the insanely complex and difficult Campanella by Franz Lizst. the magic and power of the thing can catch one up.
and there ARE worse things a boyfriend could do with his time! especially an alcoholic boyfriend. he's been doing sober for a long time, long before you came along. that he works a lot does not necessarily mean he is a classic workaholic, using work to avoid life. he sounds the opposite in fact - busy, social and engaged in life.
please don't see AA as your competition. maybe turn it around and ask yourself what activities you could be doing, if any - back to alanon? some other support group? perhaps other personal enrichment courses or classes like theThe Artist's Way, or meditation, or creative writing? enrich and nurture!
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yes ~~ Thank you that is true ! We are good at communication but it feels like a major shift and i keep asking him, "why was it ok to not go to meetings when you were with so and so " he explained he wasn't comfortable and he wasn't himself and was in a holding pattern and that i opened him up to do what he should be doing for himself and bla bra which i know is true but it kind of feels like , why when you get in this supposedly amazing connected relationship is it time to go back to meetings... i guess time will tell.
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yes ~ He works a lot because its the nature of his business not an avoidance... I agree thats why i am heading back to alanon. I feel like if i love this man...and i do i need to accept this and be in the world with him because if i don't it will be a wedge and i can't have that. I need to be in alanon regardless. Thank you for saying, please don't think of AA as competition because kind of need a kick in the pants on that one. Its hard to feel like he has all this concern for other people and i am over here like.... remember me! Its not so much how is he treating me to be fair more like how i am feeling, or kind of a mix of both.
Its crazy because when we met i kept saying to him, " don't you think after being sober 30 years you have something to offer the people just starting? lmao !
Its crazy because when we met i kept saying to him, " don't you think after being sober 30 years you have something to offer the people just starting? lmao !
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I thought my alton days were over ( for a while at least) because i came out of a really difficult 10 years getting out of the bad situation and i met someone where those issues for me were not brought up ( my own issues) and as he went back into meetings its like i am losing him to meetings and other people and not to booze...
Al-anon for me is lifelong not just a quick tool to try and use when the chaos of alcoholism/addiction are at hand. It helps me with all of those deep issues that resurface and continue to resurface over and over again throughout my life
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Anvilhead and Lisa.....I want to make it clear that I was not saying that her husband is a (classic) workaholic......just because he works long hours at a demanding job....
I was just talking about my experience with true workaholics who channel too much of themselves into their work in order to block out other things in their lives....they work excessively because they WANT to--not because they need to...
I was just talking about my experience with true workaholics who channel too much of themselves into their work in order to block out other things in their lives....they work excessively because they WANT to--not because they need to...
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Losa....I remembered something that dr. Phil's wife, Robin reported in one of her books....and, I thought you might appreciate it....
It was during the time that their first son was getting ready to move away from home...off to college....she was getting very sentimental about it , like lots of mothers do....One night she was very sad about it and couldn't sleep....Dr. Phil brushed her off...basically, told her to get over it and go to sleep. She got very angry at him...crying, and telling him..."you have all the time in the world to sit up on tv and hold the hands of other women...but, when it comes to me----you don't have the time!"....(paraphrased..I read the book a long time ago)....
Another memory...lol....Apparently, Dr. Oz and his wife had a lot of problems in their marriage regarding his preoccupation of time, outside of the marriage...In a book, written by his wife, she describes the turmoil that they went through, bringing them close to the brink of divorce.....
It was during the time that their first son was getting ready to move away from home...off to college....she was getting very sentimental about it , like lots of mothers do....One night she was very sad about it and couldn't sleep....Dr. Phil brushed her off...basically, told her to get over it and go to sleep. She got very angry at him...crying, and telling him..."you have all the time in the world to sit up on tv and hold the hands of other women...but, when it comes to me----you don't have the time!"....(paraphrased..I read the book a long time ago)....
Another memory...lol....Apparently, Dr. Oz and his wife had a lot of problems in their marriage regarding his preoccupation of time, outside of the marriage...In a book, written by his wife, she describes the turmoil that they went through, bringing them close to the brink of divorce.....
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