AA Sponsor
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
AA Sponsor
I just want to know if men can have a woman sponsor and if any of you have seen this. Is there a rule against it? I have not been to any AA meeting before. Today is day 27 not drinking for me and all I have used is SR, every day for maybe two hours on and off. I have read a couple of books and some of the Big Book. to be honest I have not found quitting difficult but I know that I must always think 'yet'.
I am not a man's man. I am not interested in cars, soccer, cricket etc. etc. (I did like baseball when I lived in the USA for a couple of years - Go Phillies!). I work in a department of 18 people; me and 17 women. I feel I get on with women better than men.
I am still married (thankfully) after nearly 27 years and that is not going to change.
I am not a man's man. I am not interested in cars, soccer, cricket etc. etc. (I did like baseball when I lived in the USA for a couple of years - Go Phillies!). I work in a department of 18 people; me and 17 women. I feel I get on with women better than men.
I am still married (thankfully) after nearly 27 years and that is not going to change.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's recommended that men stick with men and women with women, but I know of people in AA who have opposite gender sponsors.
There are no rules that will get you sent to AA prison or kicked out, just sound ideas that make life easier for many people. You may get some push-back, and you may have trouble finding a woman sponsor - but it's your recovery.
There are no rules that will get you sent to AA prison or kicked out, just sound ideas that make life easier for many people. You may get some push-back, and you may have trouble finding a woman sponsor - but it's your recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I'm not an AA person, but I don't think there is a rule against it. My understanding, though, it that your sponsor should be a man. But others will be along who have more advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Here's the thing, though.
You would be spending many hours alone with this woman, discussing your past drinking adventures, your marriage, your relationships, your inner workings. How do you think your wife would react to this kind of an intimate relationship? Why not give the men a chance at least? There are Big Book meetings, men's meetings, Step meetings. I would at least check them out before you try to take this path that would likely be uncomfortable for all involved.
If I was your wife, I wouldn't like it. Have you talked to your wife about this?
You would be spending many hours alone with this woman, discussing your past drinking adventures, your marriage, your relationships, your inner workings. How do you think your wife would react to this kind of an intimate relationship? Why not give the men a chance at least? There are Big Book meetings, men's meetings, Step meetings. I would at least check them out before you try to take this path that would likely be uncomfortable for all involved.
If I was your wife, I wouldn't like it. Have you talked to your wife about this?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I am not a man's man.. I am not interested in cars, soccer, cricket etc. etc. (I did like baseball when I lived in the USA for a couple of years - Go Phillies!)"
sponsorship has nothing to do with that. it has nothing to do with what sex we " get on with" better.
a sponsors duty is to guide a sponsee through the steps.
sponsorship has nothing to do with that. it has nothing to do with what sex we " get on with" better.
a sponsors duty is to guide a sponsee through the steps.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Here's the thing, though.
You would be spending many hours alone with this woman, discussing your past drinking adventures, your marriage, your relationships, your inner workings. How do you think your wife would react to this kind of an intimate relationship?
You would be spending many hours alone with this woman, discussing your past drinking adventures, your marriage, your relationships, your inner workings. How do you think your wife would react to this kind of an intimate relationship?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Sponsors aren't a requirement, for that matter. Go to some meetings, they are interesting. I wouldn't discount the wisdom and experience available at meetings. You don't have to get a sponsor now or ever - but at least it's worth checking it out.
Here's the website: AA Home Page
Here's the Big Book and the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: Big Book and 12 X 12
...and the official thingy on sponsors: AA Sponsorship flyer
Here's the website: AA Home Page
Here's the Big Book and the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: Big Book and 12 X 12
...and the official thingy on sponsors: AA Sponsorship flyer
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
To add to the comments about sticking with the same gender: a critical component of AA is that we get "rigorously honest" with ourselves. In all matters, and especially about what we did, who we hurt, etc when drinking. Steps 4 and 5, for example, when you share with your sponsor: could you REALLY be completely honest with someone of the opposite sex about, say, sexual behavior you regret (could be any thing, not just an affair)? Or other typically sensitive and intense topics? I wouldn't want to have gone over all that- or had current life questions, regarding, say, my sex life with my fiance or how I feel about his ex-wife having affairs (we have to deal with her bc they have kids)- with a man.
And- the whole stereotype of a guy shouldn't be a concern- there are all kinds of men, all kinds of women, from the biggest macho biker to the cross dressing baton twirler (I am not making that up- he is well known in Atlanta), from the most dainty socialite to the most tatted up teenage hipster chick....you might be surprised who you do connect with when it's alcoholism that makes the initial commonality.
Lastly - it is strongly advised in AA not to begin a relationship during your first year and in AA lingo it is called "13th stepping" when someone in AA goes after a newbie - this can be dangerous for either person's sobriety.
You might have other reasons for saying AA might not be for you, besides your sponsor questions, but as someone whose life has been saved by AA, I'd say anyone should give it a real shot and understanding.
And- the whole stereotype of a guy shouldn't be a concern- there are all kinds of men, all kinds of women, from the biggest macho biker to the cross dressing baton twirler (I am not making that up- he is well known in Atlanta), from the most dainty socialite to the most tatted up teenage hipster chick....you might be surprised who you do connect with when it's alcoholism that makes the initial commonality.
Lastly - it is strongly advised in AA not to begin a relationship during your first year and in AA lingo it is called "13th stepping" when someone in AA goes after a newbie - this can be dangerous for either person's sobriety.
You might have other reasons for saying AA might not be for you, besides your sponsor questions, but as someone whose life has been saved by AA, I'd say anyone should give it a real shot and understanding.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
I've worked with different gendered sponsors and sponsees before, it's more common around queer groups. The suggestion to stick with people of your gender isn't that helfpul to all of us 
best of luck whatever you decide to do
best of luck whatever you decide to do
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by greens
I've worked with different gendered sponsors and sponsees before, it's more common around queer groups. The suggestion to stick with people of your gender isn't that helfpul to all of us best of luck whatever you decide to do
best of luck whatever you decide to do DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
You need a sponsor who is the same sex. Sexual orientation doesn't matter at all. Gay or not, when working the program of AA men are going to be more honest and comfortable talking to men about issues and the same with women working with women. Great stuff said above that explains why very well.
decchemist, from your commit above it sounds like you may use this as an excuse to not join AA and follow the steps. I also found every excuse in the book to avoid AA but eventually I was miserable enough that I had no choice. I hope you don't have to encounter too much more misery until you are ready to change your life.
decchemist, from your commit above it sounds like you may use this as an excuse to not join AA and follow the steps. I also found every excuse in the book to avoid AA but eventually I was miserable enough that I had no choice. I hope you don't have to encounter too much more misery until you are ready to change your life.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'd add one more thing- the quick idea of not fitting with AA may hold true for you - it does for some people. There are other plans of action - AA is a program for living, outlined by the steps then so much more, IMO and IME, and how I live it- that plenty find right for them. The common factor for us all, though, is ACTION - not just hoping or trying to get through our days sober; sobriety is so much better, more entrenched, likely to "stick" and such with support rather than just our own efforts. So much more enjoyable too.
Best of luck to you for good choices for your sobriety.
Best of luck to you for good choices for your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
When I first went to AA I didn't consider myself someone who got on with other women. I'd always felt more comfortable with the opposite sex. To be honest I can now see that I distrusted and felt intimidated / defensive around other women. The women I have met in sobriety have tended to be different though. For the first time in my adult life I have fund myself forming strong, positive, valuable relationships with other women. Having discussions that reach inward and past the 'girlie' conversations I used to find so uncomfortable and avoid. Quite amazing really to discover that side of life in my 40's.
I would suggest that you keep things in the day. Most people go along to a fair few meetings before they choose someone they want to ask to be their sponsor anyway. First things first. Get to some meetings and see how you get on with that. I rarely hear the men ging on about football and that kind of stuff anyway. Meetings are for talking recovery.
BB
I would suggest that you keep things in the day. Most people go along to a fair few meetings before they choose someone they want to ask to be their sponsor anyway. First things first. Get to some meetings and see how you get on with that. I rarely hear the men ging on about football and that kind of stuff anyway. Meetings are for talking recovery.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Thanks for all comments.
Biminiblue - I spoke to my wife and she said she would not mind if a male or female was my sponsor
Sugarbear1 - thanks. At least I know my question was not completely daft
Amber - I have taken ACTION. I have just returned from my first SMART meeting. I will be going there in future.
Biminiblue - I spoke to my wife and she said she would not mind if a male or female was my sponsor
Sugarbear1 - thanks. At least I know my question was not completely daft
Amber - I have taken ACTION. I have just returned from my first SMART meeting. I will be going there in future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I don't have/do the sponsor part of AA,but I do have people that I can call(both male and female) when I feel the need from AA.
Personally I would not feel comfortable about being completely honest to a female sponsor no matter her age/looks. Good to see you found a smart meeting. I've never been to one. going to look into one in my area and toss that into the old 'tool box' as well myself.
Personally I would not feel comfortable about being completely honest to a female sponsor no matter her age/looks. Good to see you found a smart meeting. I've never been to one. going to look into one in my area and toss that into the old 'tool box' as well myself.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
"Biminiblue - I spoke to my wife and she said she would not mind if a male or female was my sponsor"
Is your wife in AA? If she's not than she doesn't, and has no reason to, understand the program or how it works. Asking her isn't going to get you and answer that is correct but may get you the one you want to hear.
You came to a good place to ask the question and you were overwhelming given the correct advice that men sponsor men and women sponsor women. There are always exceptions but that is the rule and it is the rule for a reason.
If you get a male sponsor and follow the steps you will understand in time why the program works like it does and why it works so well. I hope you keep all this great advice in mind if you decide to take action and work the program of AA later down the road.
Is your wife in AA? If she's not than she doesn't, and has no reason to, understand the program or how it works. Asking her isn't going to get you and answer that is correct but may get you the one you want to hear.
You came to a good place to ask the question and you were overwhelming given the correct advice that men sponsor men and women sponsor women. There are always exceptions but that is the rule and it is the rule for a reason.
If you get a male sponsor and follow the steps you will understand in time why the program works like it does and why it works so well. I hope you keep all this great advice in mind if you decide to take action and work the program of AA later down the road.
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