Pathwaytofree

Last weekend, I got together with my aunt and uncle, cousins, and cousins' son and daughter. It was really nice. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like.

They don't know the extent of my parents' alcoholism/abuse/personality disorders and sibling abuse, and they've never asked. They may have hinted, but I struggle with picking up on hints. I don't know if this is common with ACoA? All they know is, how I acted when I was a kid. They focused on my actions, and couldn't care less the reasons behind why I always acted up like I did. (I truly was a good kid but acted up out of response to sick people's energy, words, treatment, and actions. It's hard to explain.)

We went to the town pool. I was aware of my social anxiety but I did the best I could in the moment. I think I made pleasant conversation. I tried to just be in the moment. People seemed comfortable around me I think.

I forgot to pack towels for myself. So I used one of theirs. My cousin's daughter wanted a big towel for her hair and one for her body. Being that I am finally not living in my own head as much anymore, without hesitation I offered her my towel. I was happy to be able to be helpful.

But then in the car, she said something that she was trying to be careful not to get the car seat wet. I hadn't even thought of that about myself. I'm glad she brought it up, because I wasn't even aware. But then once I was aware that I got the car seat all wet, I said something.

My aunt said, "PWTF-what-did-you-do?!?!" I paused. I couldn't tell if she was serious, or if she was just kidding around with me and treating me like she used to when I was younger. I got confused but not anxious. I just sort of stared at the wet seat when I got out of the car and didn't respond.

That wasn't a normal response, was it? Water on a car seat isn't a big deal, right? But I admit I was worrying a little during my car ride home after the visit--did it get moldy? Should I have asked her to turn the car back on so I could roll down the window and let it air out? Is the car going to stink now? Do they think I'm an absolute idiot or crazy for not remembering to pack a freaking TOWEL if I knew I was going to a pool???

How should I have responded? She was just joking, right? Just pulling my leg, because of how my family used to treat me? Should I have just laughed it off? Or was this on her, still treating me like that even though I'm an adult now, putting me back into my old role of how I used to be treated?

This is why I don't get invited to places.

Growing up in the environment that I did really messed me up.

I can't stand being a prisoner in my own head anymore.

When and how can I become normal?????

If one more therapist says to me "the answers are within" I am going to SCREAM. No. they're not. Not in here. The answers were all wiped out.

biminiblue

If someone is worried about their car seats, they should bring enough towels for everyone to sit on.

Let it go. The seat will dry.

When I start obsessing about what other people think about me, my own head becomes a torturous place.

MikeH

Pathwaytofree... If you're open to a little sense of humor... read on... :-)

You mention your cousin's daughter got the seat wet... coming back from a swimming pool, if I have the facts correct? :-) Don't swimming pools have water in them? :-)

We've talked about this "Ad nausem" in here, but what's "normal" for a healthy family is different than normal for a dysfunctional family... Water on a car seat is not a big deal.

There's a good chance your aunt was well aware of the alcoholism in your parents. There's a good chance that your aunt grew up in a dysfunctional family. But, when you start to get "normal," the family gets "Afraid" that you'll "spill the beans" on your parents' (your aunt's brother or sister) behavior.

I "second" biminiblue's advice.

Pathwaytofree

I'm not always the best at understanding humor, but when I do, it sets me free so thank you. I think having a healthy sense of humor is an important key to life.

Well yes, but, shouldn't I have thought to bring a towel?

Thank you. I think is what I needed to know if it was or wasn't. Where can I read more about what's "normal" for a healthy family vs a dysfunctional family? Because sometimes I still think it's me...

This was very interesting. I know I was warned that the healthier I got, the more the sick relatives would gaslight or try harder to shake me up because of their fear that I'll tell all the family secrets. They like it that they can continue their smear campaign about me to the rest of the family or their friends. If I get healthy, then people will question them. So I must never, ever feel that I am healthy--that's why they continue to keep me down anytime I see them. I must always be seen as the sick one, the crazy one, etc.

I wish I grew up in a family where if I got a car seat wet because I forgot a towel, that I could just let it go, no one would make a federal case over it, I could move on with my day, and not completely crush it because of all the lies to make me feel bad about myself. I would've done so much more in life I think and I wouldn't have projected my sh*t onto others who didn't deserve it.

Unfortunately when you grow up in a home in which an untreated alcoholic or a rageaholic makes you feel like water on a car seat is a HUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEE deal and you are an absolute crazy moron idiot bad child whatever for getting the car seat wet, it's hard to see the truth as an adult and you just question everything. It's draining and it sucks. I need to still work on self-validation, that part of me that needs to step back and say, "These people are either joking or they're bat sh*t crazy still."

Pathwaytofree

MikeH,
How do you recommend I develop a healthy sense of humor in situations like this? I guess I need a shift in my thinking of some sort?
Thanks,
PTF

MikeH

Pathwaytofree:

I'm not sure I have a good answer to your question. I'm 67, and was late-in-life getting into therapy. I'm thinking, as I get older, I tend to laugh at a lot of the things I see. In my earlier days, and before therapy, I would have been very angry.

But... it's *much* easier to see the humor in someone else's predicament, than it is to see it when I'm the one being "attacked." [Replace "attack" for the word-du-jour that describes the predicament that one finds themselves in today... for someone in a dysfunctional family, tomorrow the "word" will be something different.]

I've read "Peanuts" since I was young, and I now also read "Family Circus" and "Garfield." I identify with Charlie Brown, and, for me, reading these cartoons daily shows me there's humor everywhere.

I've looked at my life and decided I don't want any caustic people in it... the people in my life have a direct impact on how I react to daily events. so I aggressively (maybe too aggressively) get them out of my life. I've partially retired, so this is easier for me to do than someone that is working full time, with a spouse and kids...

Kinda' rambling here.. hope this helps.

Dee74

Hi Pathwaytofree

Sounds like something my Dad would go off at - me, at 50, I have more important things to worry about

I can;t say if your cousin was joking or not. If she was, cool.

If not, as Bim said, she should have made sure everyone was sitting on a towel.

Either way I don't think it need be something to dwell over

D

Willdoit

The lower down the family tree due to the alcoholic parents actions helps some members as they are higher up the tree, they hate it when the lower one rises up.

As they lose a perceived position.

Pathwaytofree

Laughing at things you see is a sign of good recovery. I think I was once there and I need to get back to it.

That's a good point, we're always able to see stuff when we're on the outside.

Another good point.....

That's another really good point about not having toxic people in our lives because of how they impact us. We all need to surround ourselves with healthy, positive, nurturing people. I guess being partially retired means you can make a lot more choices!!

Nope--you weren't. :-)

It did. Thank you.

Pathwaytofree

Yeah, mine too, although with him I usually am able to roll it off because I know he's just like that and it's not my fault. Although sometimes it's easier said than done and I still wish he was different with not going off about certain things. I think he's not aware of his behavior.

I wish I knew but I don't. My family members all have strange senses of humor so I just don't know. Maybe they were waiting for me to laugh, as a nudge for me to say "yeah the way I was treated was crazy". Maybe the fact that I didn't laugh told them something they're not ready to face.

Good point. Thing is she didn't really give a crap after she said it about the towel, they all walked away from the car. So maybe they were just kidding and either didn't know it'd be triggering for me, or were waiting for me to laugh along with them at how I used to be treated, I don't know.

I agree Dee. :-) It helps me sometimes to get other people's opinions on things from an outside perspective so then I can let it go.

Pathwaytofree

Wow did this ring true for me. Thanks for pointing that out.

thotful

I'm feeling confused - seat is wet and they remark about it. No one uses a towel to wipe down said seat? like, "hey, the seat is wet - here's a towel to wipe it - or they just wipe it" - tons of solutions that don't require berating anyone.

Regardless, it is a minor thing to get in a huff about.

People that are feeling really healthy in their lives won't let minor imperfections in life get in the way of a friendship, relationship, etc. I don't fully understand it because it's IMPOSSIBLE to be perfect. All too easy to catch someone making a mistake.

Do they want a medal for this or something? Like, "ooh" you've discovered how terrible I am as a person.

Give me a break.

But, black-and-white thinking does that - it helps to see things from the outside to understand.

My counselor once even described more clearly (my mother-in-law walked out of a restaurant when she made a suggestion to me about packing for our trip and I declined the suggestion - all in a huff - when I messaged her about what we would do about it - she went off in a rant about how "I'm nothing to you" etc etc - crazy talk stuff) --

He said, in black-and-white thinking there's no in-between - AT ALL.

So, let's play this out

You are RIGHT - or, You're WRONG.
You are anything and everything to someone - their shining beacon of light. OR - you're nothing. bottom of the dirt pile lower than a snake's tail in a wagon rut,e tc.
You are brilliant or You are stupid
You are crazy or you are sane
You are angry or you are calm

etc, etc.

So, when I disagreed with my mother-in-law - she swung the pendulum from what she wanted (everything in thotful's eyes) to way extreme other side - to nothing.

So, mountains out of molehills (water on a seat) and molehills out of mountains (oh, they don't drink THAT much), etc.

Thanks for this - it gave me opportunity to think this through.

Try to give yourself the patience and breathing room to make mistakes that you wish others would give you. It really helps.