Kallum

Hello, hope this is the right place to ask, if not please bear with me..

I have a friend who has been drinking a lot the last 20 years (a bottle of wine and 15 beers a day), but has been functioning more or less normally. He was able to keep semi steady jobs (works a a waiter), and had a place to live.
The last couple years he has been burning a lot of bridges, by getting fired from a number of restaurants, for showing up for work drunk, drinking on the job etc. He now lives on the street more or less, crashing on a friends couch whenever he gets the chance.
I have tried helping him a number of times, trying to find a place to live or helped him write job applications and send out resumes.

The most frustrating part of the whole ordeal is, he is completely in denial. If you ask him, everything is fine, he does not need/want help, and this whole being out of a job with no place to live thing is just a passing phase..

There is no doubt in my mind that alcohol is the root cause of his problems, and that the first step towards getting his life back on track is to quit drinking. I just don't know how to tell him, or how to help him realise the magnitude of his alcohol problem.

Any advice/input is appreciated

Thank you

ChloeRose63

Someone must be enabling him. Where does he get the help to function? Who buys his alcohol or supports him?

doggonecarl

You can't.

Maudcat

Hi, Kallum.
Appreciate that you want to help your friend.
There isn't much you can do until he decides to make changes and stop drinking.
That's the sad truth of it.
Peace.

August252015

Agreed.

This was actually the topic of my AA meeting yesterday (I'm an avid AAer, and it has indeed saved my life). We cannot "get" anyone else to "understand" or "see" or "change." We can model a life in sobriety that is good and healthy (and happy) - and we can answer the call, their questions, and respond to their openness if and when these happen.

I have a dear friend with a drinking history a little like yours, and another pretty much exactly like it (but he has kept his bartending job all along)....and I can't make them see what my life is like except by example. If they ever want it, they know my door is open.

Gotta focus on my side of the street. Others, theirs. I didn't stop drinking till I was ready, no matter what I lost or who I hurt....and I'm so grateful I finally did, and would wish my life on anyone. I had to choose it, and so does everyone else.

tomsteve

i can lead a horse to water but i cant make him drink.
i can even shove his head in the water but that doesnt mean he will drink.

BlownOne

Have to agree with all the other posters. There just isn't anything you can do. They have to figure it out for themselves. Alcoholics don't like reality. Especially admitting that our circumstances arise directly from our rotten choices when mired in alcoholism. Denial is a tenacious master.

DontRemember

Yep...That was me. Until I actually had a serious talk with myself about how my drinking was the root of most if not all of my problems I wasn't stopping. Hell I wasn't even trying to 'moderate' anymore. I was "that guy" and had accepted that role in life. How dumb to accept that looking back! I wish your friend well and hope he doesn't keep digging for his rock bottom. Just don't get too caught up with trying to help. No need to put your life on hold for someone who truly doesn't care about anything except booze at the moment.

Berrybean

If you are very close to this person and watching his demise is causing you pain, then AlAnon might be a good place for you to get support. (Some friendships are closer than family ties after all).

heavencanwait

He must be willing to seek the help he needs. Unfortunately more times than not most need to hit rock bottom. Sorry for your friends circumstances.

Kallum

Thank you for the advice everybody, much appreciated.

We are not very close, I guess I just wanted to do something for him. Witnessed one of my good friends drink himself to death (over the course of 6-7 years), and swore to myself that if I could help another person in that situation, I would.

AnvilheadII

If you ask him, everything is fine, he does not need/want help, and this whole being out of a job with no place to live thing is just a passing phase..

here's the tough part - he has the absolute right to make that call. to be completely ok with it all. to refuse any "help".

Mountainmanbob

I had a true friend tell me straight out once that I was blowing it with my drinking. I'm glad that he pulled no punches.

M-Bob

Hevyn

Kallum, Thank you for wanting to help your friend. When my life was falling apart, I simply didn't want to hear it. I resented those who tried to (tactfully) tell me I was in trouble. I had to paint myself into a corner before I saw what needed to be done. Wish there was a better answer.

Empathic1

Aww bless your heart kallum .he is so lucky to have you as a friend,youve took the time to even find this forum..I really feel for you hun.sadly like many have said you cant help someone who doesn't want to help them self.doesn't sound like he has many people who care,maybe that's why he doesnt seem to care about himself.if I were you hun I would write him a letter,that might sound odd but sometimes its the only way people really hear ya and they cant stop you mid first sentence with the words "yea yea im fine" tell him your worries,tell him about your friend and how you never want to watch anyone go through that again.tell him he's worth more than this and lastly remind him that he doesn't have to do this on his own..not sayin you have to do this hun..its just a thought.really dont know what else to suggest.hope it might help you a little,keep us posted on how you go on x