littlekings

My background. 40 something male, 3 kids, father drank. He stopped and I had quality time with him for 20 or more years before he dropped dead of heart attack. I am youngest of 3. No abuse. Father just didn't come home nights he was drinking. Parents stayed together. Father was sober 20 years before passing.

Two part question.

1. Where is best place to find help for myself? I know there are some acoa meetings around me but my work and kid schedule is such that I can hardly ever attend. I have gone to counselors over the years and never leave feeling like anything is improving or without tips or tools to use. I'm looking for a counselor that talks and listens and at some point says "Here is where your thinking is off, here is why and here are some tips or tools to help you." Or something like that. I've left with helpful nuggets like "Go exercise" or "breathe slower" After years of going to counselors I expected more than that.

2. My current trouble is waking at 2am in a panic thinking my business is going to fail and I'll lose everything and be alone in a cardboard box on the street. Sounds pretty out there but after 2 months of not sleeping well because of this I'm falling apart. (I am making a decision at my business to part ways with a large client, it's scary and a "normal" person would be concerned yes but not as bad as I am.

Seren

Hello and welcome!

I am glad you are reaching out. Others will be along soon who can better answer your questions, but I thought I would direct your attention to the posts pinned to the top of the ACoA subforum. There are many links to books and other resources you might find helpful.

Take care! S

tromboneliness

Ha, that sounds pretty normal to me! "Brain Spins" -- I get that a lot, having spent most of my life with a totally unjustified nagging fear of going broke and being unable to support myself. But I was also unemployed for most of the Great Recession -- you can imagine the hit that took, in a lot of ways.

This stuff is hard -- and, as you note, a lot of therapists don't get it, in terms of the addiction/ACOA stuff. We -- around here -- get it. And we don't charge you any 90 bucks an hour, either!

T

MikeH

I was lucky, in that my sister is a Marriage & Family Therapist, so she referred me to someone who has worked out very well. I would see if I could attend an ACoA meeting, if only to see if someone there could refer you to someone. I'm beginning to think that, just because someone is a good Marriage Therapist, doesn't necessarily make them good with ACoA issues.

Sounds like me. My father was never interested in me (psychologically abusive also), so I've had issues with my self-esteem. I've taken an inventory of the adult men that were in my life as a child, teenager, and young adult... and realized that some of them gave me some of what my father would not.

There's also a number of good books. John Bradshaw's "Homecoming" really opened my eyes, and [even though I'm not a woman :-)], I related to a lot of stuff in "Perfect Daughters," by Robert Ackerman. I think 1, or both of these books, have been discussed here.

SLady

Sounds like my acoa husband. When his saving account was running low, he was so anxious and kept waking up in the middle of the night. He told me that once the money runs out, we will be living in cardboard boxes on the street (the irony is I am the one paying the mortgage) and he felt that he was going to fall apart because of the financial pressure.

It spooked me so much that I restarted our online website, which I am pleased to say, is now doing extremely well. At the same time, I managed to quickly find a tenant for our overseas property, so the pressure is definitely off.

During the recession, when he was still single, he too became unemployed and was not able to pay his mortgage. So, I can understand his fear of losing the house. Also not getting any support or have any safety net whilst growing up.

His alcoholic father, on the other hand, won a huge sum of money so had no financial worries, told everyone in the office but kept his win a secret from his own two sons.

If you feel you are falling apart, my suggestion is to get help - get someone or pay someone to line up potential clients for you in the interim period.