A little guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
A little guidance
Hi Everyone.
I posted for the first time a couple of days ago and found your responses so helpful and supportive I thought I'd take a shot and share some more.
I was a daily drinker from my late teens (prior to that a daily hash smoker). When I met my husband I wanted to be better for him, I didn't want him to be ashamed of his wife, so I stopped drinking for a year, took antabuse, thought I understood recovery but didn't, and became a dangerous binge drinker. This was in my late 20's, I'm now almost 37.
Nothing too outrageous has happened in the last couple of years until last weekend. I blacked out, woke up in a ditch at the side of the road cover in cuts from barbed wire. I don't remember leaving the bar and I lost two hours where I have no idea where I was. Luckily my husband was able to get me but I lost my bag and the police came by the house with it in the morning. It is only though pure grace I didn't get arrested or end up in hospital or in another mans bed. I would have lost my job and my husband, both I love dearly.
I think the part I am finding most disturbing is that feeling of calm that has come, it's like a recognition that this disgusting creature is who I really am. I have spent years working on myself and working through the difficulties I have had but I never truely realised how, underneath it all, I reject myself in the most fundamental way. It's like I have waged war on myself but I had no idea.
I feel something profound is happening and I think you folks may understand and may be able to guide me.
I need to learn to love and forgive myself if I am going to recover. I didn't realise I was the ally and the enemy in one.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I posted for the first time a couple of days ago and found your responses so helpful and supportive I thought I'd take a shot and share some more.
I was a daily drinker from my late teens (prior to that a daily hash smoker). When I met my husband I wanted to be better for him, I didn't want him to be ashamed of his wife, so I stopped drinking for a year, took antabuse, thought I understood recovery but didn't, and became a dangerous binge drinker. This was in my late 20's, I'm now almost 37.
Nothing too outrageous has happened in the last couple of years until last weekend. I blacked out, woke up in a ditch at the side of the road cover in cuts from barbed wire. I don't remember leaving the bar and I lost two hours where I have no idea where I was. Luckily my husband was able to get me but I lost my bag and the police came by the house with it in the morning. It is only though pure grace I didn't get arrested or end up in hospital or in another mans bed. I would have lost my job and my husband, both I love dearly.
I think the part I am finding most disturbing is that feeling of calm that has come, it's like a recognition that this disgusting creature is who I really am. I have spent years working on myself and working through the difficulties I have had but I never truely realised how, underneath it all, I reject myself in the most fundamental way. It's like I have waged war on myself but I had no idea.
I feel something profound is happening and I think you folks may understand and may be able to guide me.
I need to learn to love and forgive myself if I am going to recover. I didn't realise I was the ally and the enemy in one.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
You are not a disgusting creature. You have to learn to love yourself.
When I am drunk I become very mean. That is not who I am sober. And you are not a disgusting creature sober - it's the alcohol that changes you so you don't need it.
Did you pick up the PM I sent you a couple of days ago?
When I am drunk I become very mean. That is not who I am sober. And you are not a disgusting creature sober - it's the alcohol that changes you so you don't need it.
Did you pick up the PM I sent you a couple of days ago?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are OK - and that you posted.
You're last bit about being the enemy and ally in one is SO true- as people say in AA (my chosen path of recovery), alcoholism is the only disease that people have that tells us it is not a disease as it kills us.
This time around, what is your plan? Obviously- don't drink TODAY - and I'd see a dr. You have another chance- you have some experience being sober- and I hope to see you around here.
Take care of yourself.
You're last bit about being the enemy and ally in one is SO true- as people say in AA (my chosen path of recovery), alcoholism is the only disease that people have that tells us it is not a disease as it kills us.
This time around, what is your plan? Obviously- don't drink TODAY - and I'd see a dr. You have another chance- you have some experience being sober- and I hope to see you around here.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I did, thank you. It's been really helpful along with the other advice. I know that too. I think what I meant was that I recognised that I talk to myself this way sometimes without realising and that this isn't me. It feels like I have a gremlin livining inside of me that is the 'AV' and I've been mistaking that for my own voice and basing my opinions of myself on that that voice that isn't me.
I think that is what I'm finding so disturbing today, it's an awareness that I have not had before. It's also the first day I have cried, which is good. If I can separate out that voice from me then I know I'll make it. I hope that all makes sense! I feel quite excited to realise this
I think that is what I'm finding so disturbing today, it's an awareness that I have not had before. It's also the first day I have cried, which is good. If I can separate out that voice from me then I know I'll make it. I hope that all makes sense! I feel quite excited to realise this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Thank you August,
I think I will definately be on here everyday. I've had my first session with a counsellor this morning and I plan to read everything I can get my hands on. I'm also starting a journal today, I want to learn to recognise my 'AV' and shoot it down in flames before it has any influence over me. I also meditate and draw which has been really helpful in the past.
As is always the case the timing is hard. I'm due to take a ten day holiday to visit friends and family next week but have already sent messages to say I wont be drinking. I wish I could just stay at home but I suppose no timing is perfect. The point is that the time is now.
I think I will definately be on here everyday. I've had my first session with a counsellor this morning and I plan to read everything I can get my hands on. I'm also starting a journal today, I want to learn to recognise my 'AV' and shoot it down in flames before it has any influence over me. I also meditate and draw which has been really helpful in the past.
As is always the case the timing is hard. I'm due to take a ten day holiday to visit friends and family next week but have already sent messages to say I wont be drinking. I wish I could just stay at home but I suppose no timing is perfect. The point is that the time is now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yep - ally and enemy in one. About sums it up.
And the way forward is learning to recognise and distinguish friend from foe in your own head. Learning to recognise when a compultion is being driven by that foe (sometimes referred to as an AV, or addictive voice).
You are not disgusting. If you were you would be relishing in the past and the choices you made while drinking, not resolving to change.
As time goes on and your last drink is increasingly further away, that AV / foe will become quieter and easier to ignore. For now, just remember that any suggestion that drinking is a good idea, or that you don't sereve or can't 'do' sobriety - that's the enemy talking. You can't shut it up, but you can choose to ignore it.
Coming here and perhaps going to AA meetings (or similar) also adds reinforcements to your inner friend / ally. Those reinforcements were vital for me in the early days. I remember a recovery speaker tape by someone called Mickey Bush (who I do suspect is quite bonkers in many ways , and definitely a larger than life personality) where he talks about the sneaky, cunning and baffling nature of that voice. Not only did he (through that recording) achieve the almost impossible in my early weeks of sobriety in that he made me laugh out loud, he also helped me to recognise that voice at work in my own head. He might be worth a listen.
This might be the one... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...op-mickey-bush
Wishing you all the best for your your sobriety and recovery BB
And the way forward is learning to recognise and distinguish friend from foe in your own head. Learning to recognise when a compultion is being driven by that foe (sometimes referred to as an AV, or addictive voice).
You are not disgusting. If you were you would be relishing in the past and the choices you made while drinking, not resolving to change.
As time goes on and your last drink is increasingly further away, that AV / foe will become quieter and easier to ignore. For now, just remember that any suggestion that drinking is a good idea, or that you don't sereve or can't 'do' sobriety - that's the enemy talking. You can't shut it up, but you can choose to ignore it.
Coming here and perhaps going to AA meetings (or similar) also adds reinforcements to your inner friend / ally. Those reinforcements were vital for me in the early days. I remember a recovery speaker tape by someone called Mickey Bush (who I do suspect is quite bonkers in many ways , and definitely a larger than life personality) where he talks about the sneaky, cunning and baffling nature of that voice. Not only did he (through that recording) achieve the almost impossible in my early weeks of sobriety in that he made me laugh out loud, he also helped me to recognise that voice at work in my own head. He might be worth a listen.
This might be the one... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...op-mickey-bush
Wishing you all the best for your your sobriety and recovery BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yep - ally and enemy in one. About sums it up.
And the way forward is learning to recognise and distinguish friend from foe in your own head. Learning to recognise when a compultion is being driven by that foe (sometimes referred to as an AV, or addictive voice).
You are not disgusting. If you were you would be relishing in the past and the choices you made while drinking, not resolving to change.
As time goes on and your last drink is increasingly further away, that AV / foe will become quieter and easier to ignore. For now, just remember that any suggestion that drinking is a good idea, or that you don't sereve or can't 'do' sobriety - that's the enemy talking. You can't shut it up, but you can choose to ignore it.
Coming here and perhaps going to AA meetings (or similar) also adds reinforcements to your inner friend / ally. Those reinforcements were vital for me in the early days. I remember a recovery speaker tape by someone called Mickey Bush (who I do suspect is quite bonkers in many ways , and definitely a larger than life personality) where he talks about the sneaky, cunning and baffling nature of that voice. Not only did he (through that recording) achieve the almost impossible in my early weeks of sobriety in that he made me laugh out loud, he also helped me to recognise that voice at work in my own head. He might be worth a listen.
This might be the one... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...op-mickey-bush
Wishing you all the best for your your sobriety and recovery BB
And the way forward is learning to recognise and distinguish friend from foe in your own head. Learning to recognise when a compultion is being driven by that foe (sometimes referred to as an AV, or addictive voice).
You are not disgusting. If you were you would be relishing in the past and the choices you made while drinking, not resolving to change.
As time goes on and your last drink is increasingly further away, that AV / foe will become quieter and easier to ignore. For now, just remember that any suggestion that drinking is a good idea, or that you don't sereve or can't 'do' sobriety - that's the enemy talking. You can't shut it up, but you can choose to ignore it.
Coming here and perhaps going to AA meetings (or similar) also adds reinforcements to your inner friend / ally. Those reinforcements were vital for me in the early days. I remember a recovery speaker tape by someone called Mickey Bush (who I do suspect is quite bonkers in many ways , and definitely a larger than life personality) where he talks about the sneaky, cunning and baffling nature of that voice. Not only did he (through that recording) achieve the almost impossible in my early weeks of sobriety in that he made me laugh out loud, he also helped me to recognise that voice at work in my own head. He might be worth a listen.
This might be the one... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...op-mickey-bush
Wishing you all the best for your your sobriety and recovery BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Gabe1980 
Thank you. I'll check the recording out. I'm definately ready to put the shovel down. 20 years of digging is more than enough.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
The thing that strikes me in your narrative is your honesty with yourself. I often thuink, that ANYONE who looks at themselves- in those dark recesses of the soul, we would all find something there we would rather not. Booze bought out that ugly side of me- and many bad things happened (mostly to myself)n when I became a slave to my alcohol addiction. I regularly see a psychologist and a counsellor- backed up with meetings for everyday support- kind of a 'refresh the screen'. Well done, you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I think honesty is something Ive been working for in other areas of my life. I needed to work on my integrity and how I treated other people. I think turning the spotlight on alcohol is a whole new challenge but the principles are the same. Its how Im treating myself. Thanks very much for your post and I'll remember the 'refresh my screen', I get that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 216
I am glad you are ok and I really identified with what you wrote. I have been there...the guilt and shame the next morning. It is no way to live. You sound like you want to change which is an amazing step! It takes a lot of courage to look at yourself in a direct manner and see that you have an issue. You have to give yourself a lot of credit! Also, it sounds like you do have a lot to lose (as do most of us on here!) and drinking just isn't worth it. Thanks for sharing with us.
Earth Child
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
Word of advice .Dont live your life hating yourself it will get you nowhere and will not keep you sober , start to love yourself i know its hard to when you feel so low hating yourself isn't going to make your life any easier so why do it believe me i have lived all of my life hating and hurting myself it gets you do where fast and it makes your life miserable get yourself clean and sober not just for your husband but for yourself but YOU HAVE TO WANT TO HELP YOURSELF no matter what happens you owe this to yourself
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Welcome to SR, you've already received some excellent advice. Regarding the enemy and ally thing, to me, you are your own best ally, it is the addiction that is the enemy. Unfortunately that addiction lives within us and we must accept that and learn to starve it to death.
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