anodes7102

A white blanket sits beneath the wings as I yet again jet across the country. It is in the air that I reflect most on life's journey. I seek escape through music. The playlist includes Skylar Grey - Love The Way You Lie, Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness, Sarah Brightman - Deliver Me, Demi Lovato - Skyscaper and The Church - Under The Milky Way (amazing song!)

"Your my home" sings Billy Joel....But what is home? Home should be a place of peace, a place of trust, a place of love. When you cross the threshold of the door a warm embrace, the lingering scent of last nights fragrant candle should greet you.

For many affected by our loved ones addiction to alcohol, the key turns in the door and a blanket of fear wraps itself around you. Will my partner be sober?, how much have they drunk?, will they verbally abuse me before the final light is flicked off?

And it gets worse when they leave the house...will they come home?, who are they with? are they safe?, will I have to carry them to bed? You shut the internal door to the rest of the house so the children can sleep undisturbed and unencumbered by the noise of the arrival home...if that happens.

You are so tired but sleep refuses to come until beside you, your partner lies with the secrets of the night held in a deep alcohol induced slumber.

In the morning you get up before the sun rises and greet your children and embrace them - a new day, a few moments of happiness before you leave, your partner still asleep, to go to work.

Your trust inevitably becomes shattered when infidelity - emotional or physical enters the equation. At this point you enter a tailspin that only you can pull out of. You try to stop the video of broken trust and scenarios playing in your head (loop to loop). You are in the grey zone. A life in limbo.

The only way forward is to reach to people abandoned due to your focus on trying the save the AP, counselling, and for me, most importantly the empathy, stories and chat through SR.

I can't crystal ball the future, I am so tired, I am just trying to be the best dad I can to my children. I feeI could sleep for a week but my mind wouldn't let me anyway.

To my fellow travellers you are in my thoughts. Stay true to yourself, you are 100% worthy all the time, don't be afraid to seek help, blog, talk, reflect but build the courage to know that your life is yours to live, embrace and love.

The cloud below me has broken up now and reveals some blue sky...that is what I am looking for in the future. It is to be grasped not shunned and I am realising only I can do that, and that is what I keep telling myself.....

maia1234

Beautifully said anodes!!

I remember my first night alone, in my new home, after the divorce. It was like 10 thousand tons had been taken off my shoulders. I layed in my bed and thought this was the first time in 34 years that axh was no longer my responsibility. I slept like a baby, all night, juse exhausted. I never thought I would experience that feeling that he was officially on his own.

Give them to God to watch over them, and pray for them often. Hugs.

dandylion

anodes.....I know that lots of us relate to how you are feeling.....

I want to be sure that you know about our collection of articles in "Classic Readings (from the 'stickies". There are dozens and dozens. Maybe, take a look at them....
The following link will take you there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

hopeful4

I remember that feeling. I remember hating to leave work because it meant I had to go home, and I was never quite sure what was going to be waiting for me.

Sometimes passed out where we all just stepped over him like he was not even there until he staggered to bed later. Sometimes fine w/no issues. Sometimes drunk and bleary eyed pretending to have not drank. Sometimes friendly, other times mean. You never knew. It was MISERABLE.

The night my XAH left (he was wasted and I kicked him out), enough was enough. I KNEW at that moment I was done, and relief washed over me. It was done.

While life is still not easy coparenting with an alcoholic, that relief is still there.

Gentle hugs to you.

firebolt

Pretty eloquent words, thank you. You took me back to a place that I never want to be again, yet somehow I feel proud that they are a part of my not so distant past (I don't know that anything else would have gotten me to do some hard work that I needed to do)....

Keep moving forward. Things change, WE change, life gets better. (((HUGS)))) to you.

MsPINKAcres

Thanks so much for sharing -

I've been gone since Thanksgiving Day November 2008 - I can still feel that pain in the pit of my stomach . . . standing on the door step, hand on the knob, taking a deep breathe before I walk in the door - not sure what I would face or who my now exah would be . . .

I will be eternally grateful to not experience that feeling in the pit of my stomach ever again.

wishing you & all others making that brave step for a healthier life the very best

itsmepoppy

Thank you so much for writing this. I think you described it eloquently and accurately.

Oh that build up of knowing he was on his way home from work was like winding up a jack in the box. There was just no way of knowing what was going to happen. Some days he would be sober only to get drunk later. Other days he would be obviously drunk and going through the pathetic charade of denying there was a problem...while slurring his words and holding onto a wall for balance. Or he'd be so drunk that he wouldn't even get past the foyer before blacking out on the floor. It was so grim and lonely. The idea that we ever did things like make dinner together or talk about our respective days just seemed like a totally different life.