AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!
Help, help... I'm not feeling philosophical!!!!
I'm MAD! It's a fury flashback!
I don't want to be detatched. I don't want to be understanding and forgiving. I don't want to acknowledge his disease. I don't want to be acquainted with a big fat loan shark named Leon, a drug dealer who likes to be called Big Butt Fred, the location of the jail in Louisville, the policies and procedures of pawn shops and criminal courts, how to reach all the social service agencies in Kentucky or the fact that it is possible to smoke crack through the antenna that a motherless cretin broke off my radio. I want TO PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUT!!!
This recovery stuff is NOT PRETTY.
Thank you for your kind attention.
I'm MAD! It's a fury flashback!
I don't want to be detatched. I don't want to be understanding and forgiving. I don't want to acknowledge his disease. I don't want to be acquainted with a big fat loan shark named Leon, a drug dealer who likes to be called Big Butt Fred, the location of the jail in Louisville, the policies and procedures of pawn shops and criminal courts, how to reach all the social service agencies in Kentucky or the fact that it is possible to smoke crack through the antenna that a motherless cretin broke off my radio. I want TO PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUT!!!
This recovery stuff is NOT PRETTY.
Thank you for your kind attention.
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Hi Smoke. I'm not really good with advice, but I'll give it a shot. I think it's OK to be angry, and it's GOOD not to accept all of that stuff. You shouldn't have to know a sketchy loan shark, or that you can smoke crack through an antenna. No one should. I can relate, I never thought I'd know half the stuff I do. Hang in there, you're not alone. Love you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
My mind was all a'raging,
with angry fumes and fire.
It's dangerous rampaging
upon this thin high-wire.
It's hard to keep your footing
when smoke get's stirred around.
You cannot see a damn thing,
and may just hit the ground.
But as I was despairing
of dropping through the fog...
a butterfly came daring
to reach me through the smog.
She simply fluttered near me.
Her wings dispersed the smoke.
And just in time. I nearly
did plummet, or did choke.
She helped to clear my vision
as her wings grazed my cheek,
and saved me from collision.
Thought butterflies were meek!
So butterfly, I thank you.
I'm sending love and hugs.
I think I'll see this day through.
Oh, thank you GOD for bugs!
with angry fumes and fire.
It's dangerous rampaging
upon this thin high-wire.
It's hard to keep your footing
when smoke get's stirred around.
You cannot see a damn thing,
and may just hit the ground.
But as I was despairing
of dropping through the fog...
a butterfly came daring
to reach me through the smog.
She simply fluttered near me.
Her wings dispersed the smoke.
And just in time. I nearly
did plummet, or did choke.
She helped to clear my vision
as her wings grazed my cheek,
and saved me from collision.
Thought butterflies were meek!
So butterfly, I thank you.
I'm sending love and hugs.
I think I'll see this day through.
Oh, thank you GOD for bugs!
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: nyc, ny, usa
Posts: 15
hysteria is our friend.
it's that crazy little eye of the storm that allows us the ability to laugh in the devils face....
its kinda nice--you know...when you're so burnt on being angry and sad...and you think it can't get worse...and then it DOES get worse...and you just laaaaaugh and laaaugh...
when things are so insane for so long that its actually FUNNY.
i do that a lot..
i double over laughing every once in a while at just how ******** the whole situtation really is. people think i'm going crazy ..which i just may be...but its a nice switch from breaking down in hysterical tears all the time.
so YES!
go nuts.
get angry.
get crazy.
kick his ass.
then laugh.
love*
it's that crazy little eye of the storm that allows us the ability to laugh in the devils face....
its kinda nice--you know...when you're so burnt on being angry and sad...and you think it can't get worse...and then it DOES get worse...and you just laaaaaugh and laaaugh...
when things are so insane for so long that its actually FUNNY.
i do that a lot..
i double over laughing every once in a while at just how ******** the whole situtation really is. people think i'm going crazy ..which i just may be...but its a nice switch from breaking down in hysterical tears all the time.
so YES!
go nuts.
get angry.
get crazy.
kick his ass.
then laugh.
love*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Howdy Disassembled!
(or can I call you "Tex"?)
Nice friend... hysteria. I like you guys better.
Don't mind me, it was just a him-errhoidal flare up. What a pain in the ass!
Hugs and stuff...
Smoke
(or can I call you "Tex"?)
Nice friend... hysteria. I like you guys better.
Don't mind me, it was just a him-errhoidal flare up. What a pain in the ass!
Hugs and stuff...
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: nyc, ny, usa
Posts: 15
i hear ya...
i've been going through an angry "why do i have to deal with this" phase myself...
i know it's all my choice to stay and keep putting up with thangs..
but it gets frustrating when you have to deal with all the particulars of how to "properly handle" THEM.
i have to learn what to do and not do to be strong and supportive and understanding...and...but who's teaching him how to be there for me?
who's teaching him about how delicate MY situation is?
i, too, would love to be properly handled every once in a while...
sighhhh
it's summer..
it's hot...
i'm just cranky
i've been going through an angry "why do i have to deal with this" phase myself...
i know it's all my choice to stay and keep putting up with thangs..
but it gets frustrating when you have to deal with all the particulars of how to "properly handle" THEM.
i have to learn what to do and not do to be strong and supportive and understanding...and...but who's teaching him how to be there for me?
who's teaching him about how delicate MY situation is?
i, too, would love to be properly handled every once in a while...
sighhhh
it's summer..
it's hot...
i'm just cranky
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT EXACTLY!!!
Okay... he was a butthead, right? Justice, then would dictate that he has to take care of ME, now. Instead, I have to walk on eggshells and be all boo-hooish over his "disease"? What kind of a moron smokes crack in the first place?
Okay... he was a butthead, right? Justice, then would dictate that he has to take care of ME, now. Instead, I have to walk on eggshells and be all boo-hooish over his "disease"? What kind of a moron smokes crack in the first place?
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
Oh there you go....calling me names again. THIS kind of moron smokes crack. In fact, without a program, I smoke crack, the car, the house, the job and finally the "anon." who put up with all of it as i stole precious years from her (them). After another rehab, looking like a million, I smile and promise it will be different this time. (for some crazy reason they always believed me). Looking good and getting comfortable one more time and WHAM. The obsession hits. Me? Powerless and without a foundation. Her? Same. Except it was her purse I was in, her car I stole or sold, her eyes I lied right into not knowing I was even lying. Whoosh! Dagger to the heart, perfect hit. We keep doing this dance of destruction hoping somehow that "luvvvvv" will save us both. It won't. It can't. Because that's not what this is about. "Two sicks don't make a well", they told me. And they were/are right. I had to get better before I could love. A lot better. I had to face my demons with the help of others JUST LIKE ME if I was to succeed. "She" wasn't like me. Me, God and the boys had to build a foundation strong enough to hold me, and stronger still before I could invite someone to stand on it with me. No mere breeze or thought can bring me down today. I will not drink or use no matter what. I can love again. I can be loved again. But sobriety had to come absolutely, no negotiations, first. Hey, thanks for letting me share...
------------------
Be well, and have a great 24...
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Be well, and have a great 24...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Alright, you, you..... you ADMINISTRATOR!!!
Exc-u-u-u-use me, but I was t-ryyyying to let off a little steam. And you should hear what I have called "Dino". That's my new code name for that guy... you know the one. I got tired of calling him "my addict" because it sounds like that's all he is. And I would be interested in knowing what your " anon" called you when you stole her car and sold it. I would like to savor the sylables.
Okay.
I don't understand.
I simply cannot fathom how a person could do the things you have done. I cannot conceive of an intelligent, aware and informed person trying narcotic drugs in the first place. And I know that you cannot explain it to me in a way that I will EVER understand. And so, I will print off what you just wrote and mail it to "Dino". I keep saying... over and over. "I don't understand. I couldn't possibly understand. Talk to people who do." Perhaps this will sway him. I just don't think detox and counseling are enough for him. He slips.
And by the way. It is not a good idea to step in front of a runaway locomotive moving at 70 mph.
Luv... The Little Engine that Could...Jump the Track on Occasion
Smoke
[This message has been edited by smoke gets in my eyes (edited August 15, 2001).]
Exc-u-u-u-use me, but I was t-ryyyying to let off a little steam. And you should hear what I have called "Dino". That's my new code name for that guy... you know the one. I got tired of calling him "my addict" because it sounds like that's all he is. And I would be interested in knowing what your " anon" called you when you stole her car and sold it. I would like to savor the sylables.
Okay.
I don't understand.
I simply cannot fathom how a person could do the things you have done. I cannot conceive of an intelligent, aware and informed person trying narcotic drugs in the first place. And I know that you cannot explain it to me in a way that I will EVER understand. And so, I will print off what you just wrote and mail it to "Dino". I keep saying... over and over. "I don't understand. I couldn't possibly understand. Talk to people who do." Perhaps this will sway him. I just don't think detox and counseling are enough for him. He slips.
And by the way. It is not a good idea to step in front of a runaway locomotive moving at 70 mph.
Luv... The Little Engine that Could...Jump the Track on Occasion
Smoke
[This message has been edited by smoke gets in my eyes (edited August 15, 2001).]
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You know Smoke, I think that's the scariest thing about loving someone with an addiction...not being able to understand why and how they could do that to themselves. I think maybe it goes back to one of our biggest problems (or one of MY biggest problems, I can't speak for everyone else) of wanting to help/save my addict...I always think that if I could understand the addiction, I'd be in a better position to help my guy overcome the addiction. And I guess the thing is, unless you've experienced it, you will never, ever understand, and will never, ever be able to help your addict in the same way other addicts can.
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Posts: 2,416
Lovely Butterfly,
At the moment I'm hung up in "how could he do this to ME?" Hang HIM.
Once I was forced to point out to a student, who said "it doesn't have a texture, it's smooth.", that smooth is a texture. Once I pointed out to him, when I asked how he could treat me like that and he said "I'm not treating you like anything.", that disregard is a treatment.
Okay, fine. He's sick. SICK, SICK, SICK. I understand that his sickness gives him an unnatural preoccupation with himself, to the point of excluding concern for other people. He's not going to think about me until he gets better. I'm down with that. But if he's not going to think about me, dammit, I'm going to, and I'm going to hang out with other people who do. So there. 1 = 1 is an equation. So is 1 x 1 = 1 and so is 1/1 = 1. If those are the only equations he can comprehend, so be it, but I have other favorites.
Bark. Bark. Bark... grrrrr. Mad dog.
Smoke
At the moment I'm hung up in "how could he do this to ME?" Hang HIM.
Once I was forced to point out to a student, who said "it doesn't have a texture, it's smooth.", that smooth is a texture. Once I pointed out to him, when I asked how he could treat me like that and he said "I'm not treating you like anything.", that disregard is a treatment.
Okay, fine. He's sick. SICK, SICK, SICK. I understand that his sickness gives him an unnatural preoccupation with himself, to the point of excluding concern for other people. He's not going to think about me until he gets better. I'm down with that. But if he's not going to think about me, dammit, I'm going to, and I'm going to hang out with other people who do. So there. 1 = 1 is an equation. So is 1 x 1 = 1 and so is 1/1 = 1. If those are the only equations he can comprehend, so be it, but I have other favorites.
Bark. Bark. Bark... grrrrr. Mad dog.
Smoke
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Smoke, I love your equations! I think that's something I personally need to keep hearing/repeating to myself. It's easier said than done. But you're right, someone has to look out for us, and I think I'm ready to choose me.
I love this forum! And I think you are so articulate and on the mark Smoke, you're words have affected me greatly!
I love this forum! And I think you are so articulate and on the mark Smoke, you're words have affected me greatly!
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 2
I just love reading your posts. I have also had a really bad week with myself. I have hit at least 3 meetings a week while my "Perfect A" has been in relapse. I really had it last night....I got home and unleashed on him. I'm sick of being the responsible adult in this situation...hell, I don't even call it a relationship. He was asked to leave the house over a month ago and it still playing it like he has other options. I'm tired, sick, anxious and generally fed up. I am hopeful that he is leaving and I have contacted my attorney to insure that he will be gone by the end of the month.
I think I have finally come to the point where I am the most important person. I want and need a more quiet and serene environment for myself and my children..
My best wishes are going out to all of you that manage to stay with your "A" you must be more patient than I can be right now.
Jen
I think I have finally come to the point where I am the most important person. I want and need a more quiet and serene environment for myself and my children..
My best wishes are going out to all of you that manage to stay with your "A" you must be more patient than I can be right now.
Jen
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Congratulations on getting to that point NAFriend, the point where you realize you want peace and calmness. You ARE the most important person to you! I hope to be at that point too, and I'm proud to say I'm on my way. I am starting grad school full time in the fall, and I don't need the distractions and disruptions that my addict inflicts on my life.
I think we should all be very proud of ourselves. The fact that we're even participating in this forum, expressing how we feel shows that we're taking steps to healing ourselves. Yeah us!
I think we should all be very proud of ourselves. The fact that we're even participating in this forum, expressing how we feel shows that we're taking steps to healing ourselves. Yeah us!
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((( Smoke Gets in My Eyes )))
I love reading your posts. You definately have a way with words. A good way !! lol...
When you say you get hung up on "Why did he do this to me ?" Dino didn't do this to you , he did it to himself. It is his addiction but it is soooo easy to let their addictions control our lives.
I think it is great for you to get real mad, it took me months before I really got mad with my daughter. For months I felt sorry for her and thought I could fix her. Wrong, boy was I wrong. Then I got mad, real mad.
And in all that madness, I started to take control of my life again. I found Naranon, wonderful Naranon and MY Recovery Program. It sure felt good. And then I found my strength to start setting boundaries of how much I was willing to take and what I wouldn't take anymore. And I actually stuck to it. Unbelievable. This program really does work wonders.
Stay Strong Smoke !
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starlight
I love reading your posts. You definately have a way with words. A good way !! lol...
When you say you get hung up on "Why did he do this to me ?" Dino didn't do this to you , he did it to himself. It is his addiction but it is soooo easy to let their addictions control our lives.
I think it is great for you to get real mad, it took me months before I really got mad with my daughter. For months I felt sorry for her and thought I could fix her. Wrong, boy was I wrong. Then I got mad, real mad.
And in all that madness, I started to take control of my life again. I found Naranon, wonderful Naranon and MY Recovery Program. It sure felt good. And then I found my strength to start setting boundaries of how much I was willing to take and what I wouldn't take anymore. And I actually stuck to it. Unbelievable. This program really does work wonders.
Stay Strong Smoke !
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starlight
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