Am I truly crazy? Are addicts truly not aware?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 4
Am I truly crazy? Are addicts truly not aware?
Hi guys....
I'm new to these forums, looking for some friendly insight into my devistating situation. I've never been addict and only dabbled in a lot of alcohol when I was in a fraternity. I met what I thought was the love of my life just about two years ago. We had the most incredible first date of our lives. I was 27, she was 26 when we met. I'm now 28 almost 29, she's 27 almost 28. We had ups and downs, she liked to have a good time and as did I. I worked hard and played hard. I've never done drugs. I started noticing that about 6 months in, she was mixing her wine with anxiety pills and Vicodin. She justified constantly, telling me it wasn't a big deal, her body could take it. I got so worried. I thought at times she wasn't going to wake up. I was inexperienced on how to handle this, but to get angry. She would say none of my other boyfriends judged me! I said yeah! Because they must've not cared!
We've had some pretty vicious fights, I've broken things, she's broken things, but I always remained sober 90% of the time. For a while it seemed she was getting better, but then she crashed her car, had a BAC of 2.5, totaled three other cars, she should've been dead. She's cheated on me through her blackouts, and I'm talking scary black outs. I started realizing that this whole time I was a co dependent. Enabling her to continue this behavior with me thinking I could fix it. We were engaged, and then she took a leave of absence from work to go to rehab, finally. She first went to CDRP, an outpatient program. We were Good, I was supporting her the best way I knew how, going to Alanon, continued therapy, and going to other classes. She suddenly went MIA, not answering me, etc. she was lying to me about hanging out with some 21 year old guy from her program and going to meetings with him, getting suboxon from him, etc. again I was devastated. She eventually apologized and she finally got called into rehab. She called me once when her black out period was over. Confessed she was getting drunk in her car before she even came home.
I told her I loved her and she said ' yeah we'll talk about that later. It's now been over two weeks and I haven't heard from her. She calls other people but me. Telling people she doesn't see a future with me, but then telling me she was still in love with me before she went in. I keep holding on. She's going to live in an SLE, I'm happy for her. Her #1 priority is getting sober. I get that.
I have an amazing job, I work hard, I can provide, I work out, have a good family, but I'm broken, crying on and off all day, I'm a smart guy.... I can't understand why I can't break this. Why do I want to hold on. Maybe we can in the future but I can't stop thinking about her, and her well being, even after all the hurt I've endured for the sake of (US).
There was so many good times, where she was present. Almost always. I just don't now what to do or think.
Help.
I'm new to these forums, looking for some friendly insight into my devistating situation. I've never been addict and only dabbled in a lot of alcohol when I was in a fraternity. I met what I thought was the love of my life just about two years ago. We had the most incredible first date of our lives. I was 27, she was 26 when we met. I'm now 28 almost 29, she's 27 almost 28. We had ups and downs, she liked to have a good time and as did I. I worked hard and played hard. I've never done drugs. I started noticing that about 6 months in, she was mixing her wine with anxiety pills and Vicodin. She justified constantly, telling me it wasn't a big deal, her body could take it. I got so worried. I thought at times she wasn't going to wake up. I was inexperienced on how to handle this, but to get angry. She would say none of my other boyfriends judged me! I said yeah! Because they must've not cared!
We've had some pretty vicious fights, I've broken things, she's broken things, but I always remained sober 90% of the time. For a while it seemed she was getting better, but then she crashed her car, had a BAC of 2.5, totaled three other cars, she should've been dead. She's cheated on me through her blackouts, and I'm talking scary black outs. I started realizing that this whole time I was a co dependent. Enabling her to continue this behavior with me thinking I could fix it. We were engaged, and then she took a leave of absence from work to go to rehab, finally. She first went to CDRP, an outpatient program. We were Good, I was supporting her the best way I knew how, going to Alanon, continued therapy, and going to other classes. She suddenly went MIA, not answering me, etc. she was lying to me about hanging out with some 21 year old guy from her program and going to meetings with him, getting suboxon from him, etc. again I was devastated. She eventually apologized and she finally got called into rehab. She called me once when her black out period was over. Confessed she was getting drunk in her car before she even came home.
I told her I loved her and she said ' yeah we'll talk about that later. It's now been over two weeks and I haven't heard from her. She calls other people but me. Telling people she doesn't see a future with me, but then telling me she was still in love with me before she went in. I keep holding on. She's going to live in an SLE, I'm happy for her. Her #1 priority is getting sober. I get that.
I have an amazing job, I work hard, I can provide, I work out, have a good family, but I'm broken, crying on and off all day, I'm a smart guy.... I can't understand why I can't break this. Why do I want to hold on. Maybe we can in the future but I can't stop thinking about her, and her well being, even after all the hurt I've endured for the sake of (US).
There was so many good times, where she was present. Almost always. I just don't now what to do or think.
Help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
welcome. so sorry for what brings you here.
i suggest you keep up with your alanon meetings - being in the company of like minded individuals with similar experiences is very valuable and necessary to the healing process.
you said you wanted to FIX things. that's not a BAD trait, unless we get tangled up with addiction and others. we can't fix them. we can't fix addiction. but it feels like we HAVE to.
your healing starts now. it will be a journey, with up and downs. just take care of you the best you can.
i suggest you keep up with your alanon meetings - being in the company of like minded individuals with similar experiences is very valuable and necessary to the healing process.
you said you wanted to FIX things. that's not a BAD trait, unless we get tangled up with addiction and others. we can't fix them. we can't fix addiction. but it feels like we HAVE to.
your healing starts now. it will be a journey, with up and downs. just take care of you the best you can.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
So many people here have stories of addicts who completely contradict what they say they want or will do. I had the same experience with my STBXAH. I still think about him every day even though he's been terrible, terrible. I know how you feel.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Dane if this is your first experience of real heartbreak then it will be rough. If you can get through it, nothing similar will be so bad, but it sucks while it lasts.
It sounds like she's let go, maybe because she's found an addict buddy to hang out with who doesn't care if she recovers, or maybe she's just fallen out of love with you. If you can, accept her decision for the best and move on.
Ask yourself what sort of future you would have with her. You're both in your late 20s and getting to the age where settling down and having a family could be on the cards. What sort of life would it be for you marrying and even having children with her relapsing, possibly cheating, and lying to you.
Think about where you want to be in 5 years. Does she fit into the picture? Not the ideal her, but her as she is now, because she doesn't seem ready to change yet.
It sounds like she's let go, maybe because she's found an addict buddy to hang out with who doesn't care if she recovers, or maybe she's just fallen out of love with you. If you can, accept her decision for the best and move on.
Ask yourself what sort of future you would have with her. You're both in your late 20s and getting to the age where settling down and having a family could be on the cards. What sort of life would it be for you marrying and even having children with her relapsing, possibly cheating, and lying to you.
Think about where you want to be in 5 years. Does she fit into the picture? Not the ideal her, but her as she is now, because she doesn't seem ready to change yet.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Agree. I started a relationship in my late 20s, and found out my STBAXH was "troubled", and I stayed all through my 30s. He depleted my resources both emotionally and financially. I now have to find stability all over again like a 20-year-old. Being with an addict is like standing still. Life is supposed to be kinetic. So keep moving if you can. I'm working through my grief day by day and hope that by the time I'm done with it, I won't be 50, because, what a waste of my life.
Denial is the addict's more powerful drug. If they can find people (or a person) who will help them fuel their delusions, they will do so. This is why they lie and/or cheat. It has nothing to do with you. If they were with you and loved you or still love you, it's because you are helping them fuel their delusion of doing something "normal". Being co-dependent is similar to this because the co-dependent has the delusion that life can be "normal" with the addict, so the addict is the codie's "drug".
I'm still in codie "rehab". It's REALLY demoralizing to have to look at reality, which seems cold, cruel, and unforgiving.
Denial is the addict's more powerful drug. If they can find people (or a person) who will help them fuel their delusions, they will do so. This is why they lie and/or cheat. It has nothing to do with you. If they were with you and loved you or still love you, it's because you are helping them fuel their delusion of doing something "normal". Being co-dependent is similar to this because the co-dependent has the delusion that life can be "normal" with the addict, so the addict is the codie's "drug".
I'm still in codie "rehab". It's REALLY demoralizing to have to look at reality, which seems cold, cruel, and unforgiving.
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Dane if this is your first experience of real heartbreak then it will be rough. If you can get through it, nothing similar will be so bad, but it sucks while it lasts.
It sounds like she's let go, maybe because she's found an addict buddy to hang out with who doesn't care if she recovers, or maybe she's just fallen out of love with you. If you can, accept her decision for the best and move on.
Ask yourself what sort of future you would have with her. You're both in your late 20s and getting to the age where settling down and having a family could be on the cards. What sort of life would it be for you marrying and even having children with her relapsing, possibly cheating, and lying to you.
Think about where you want to be in 5 years. Does she fit into the picture? Not the ideal her, but her as she is now, because she doesn't seem ready to change yet.
It sounds like she's let go, maybe because she's found an addict buddy to hang out with who doesn't care if she recovers, or maybe she's just fallen out of love with you. If you can, accept her decision for the best and move on.
Ask yourself what sort of future you would have with her. You're both in your late 20s and getting to the age where settling down and having a family could be on the cards. What sort of life would it be for you marrying and even having children with her relapsing, possibly cheating, and lying to you.
Think about where you want to be in 5 years. Does she fit into the picture? Not the ideal her, but her as she is now, because she doesn't seem ready to change yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you
Hey everyone,
I just read everyone's replies. I wanted to say thank you so much for all of this insight, advice, and harsh yet true and kind words.
I wanted to give an update and also ask some more questions. We (had) a place together. I currently live in the place, and am taking the full brute of the rent. We have things we need to split, and figure out, so her parents are attempting to get her to call me. Her mom says it has a lot to do with the counselors in rehab, but it's hard for me to believe it's just that? We never even talked about us either. I assumed I thought she'd care about wanting me to know at least too. I think her mom knows but she's asked her to call me so I don't know what's going on.
If anything, I tried to help as much as I could. Do these people in the rehab tell them not to be with their partner anymore ? Her dad is going there today to speak with her and among things will be to attempt to give me a call to discuss belongings. She will be going to live in an SLH when she gets out which is great, but she can't use anything in here in the SLH that's left here furniture wise.
She did call me when the 6 day period was over when she couldn't make calls. But hasn't called me since, and won't. I know I may never know, but does anyone have any knowledge on this? Thank you guys.
I just read everyone's replies. I wanted to say thank you so much for all of this insight, advice, and harsh yet true and kind words.
I wanted to give an update and also ask some more questions. We (had) a place together. I currently live in the place, and am taking the full brute of the rent. We have things we need to split, and figure out, so her parents are attempting to get her to call me. Her mom says it has a lot to do with the counselors in rehab, but it's hard for me to believe it's just that? We never even talked about us either. I assumed I thought she'd care about wanting me to know at least too. I think her mom knows but she's asked her to call me so I don't know what's going on.
If anything, I tried to help as much as I could. Do these people in the rehab tell them not to be with their partner anymore ? Her dad is going there today to speak with her and among things will be to attempt to give me a call to discuss belongings. She will be going to live in an SLH when she gets out which is great, but she can't use anything in here in the SLH that's left here furniture wise.
She did call me when the 6 day period was over when she couldn't make calls. But hasn't called me since, and won't. I know I may never know, but does anyone have any knowledge on this? Thank you guys.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FeelingGreat is right, in my opinion.....heartbreak sucks......
Grieving is a natural an normal consequence of loss.....there is no way around it.
It will last for weeks to months....so, be aware that just because you are sad and having a kalidescope of emotions...it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you should still be with her.....
We don't always get to keep those that we feel that we love.....so, we may have to love from the distance....
It is o.k. to cry...actually, I consider it to be beneficial.....
It is important that you look after your own welfare......
It won't always feel like this...I promise.....
Grieving is a natural an normal consequence of loss.....there is no way around it.
It will last for weeks to months....so, be aware that just because you are sad and having a kalidescope of emotions...it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you should still be with her.....
We don't always get to keep those that we feel that we love.....so, we may have to love from the distance....
It is o.k. to cry...actually, I consider it to be beneficial.....
It is important that you look after your own welfare......
It won't always feel like this...I promise.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
It truly does feel like you're mourning the death of a close loved one. The person you fell in love with is dead and you will never see them again. The only difference is the addict is not dead. You see them. You hear them. You are constantly reminded they are very much alive.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
