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Today has been awful

Old 08-19-2017, 02:24 PM
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Today has been awful

Today has truly scared me.

I never want to feel this bad again. I never want to see or be involved with my family again.

I have had a huge, huge family row and nothing will ever be the same again for me.

I need help with coping with all of this before it makes me seriously ill.
I have cried and cried and I have never felt as outcast as I do now.

I thought I had a handle on this, but I don't anymore.
The years of counselling that I went through to deal with this feels a waste of time, effort and money.

If it was just me, I would leave as fast as I could. Tonight. Vanish without a trace.
I am thinking of leaving but I need to consider everything as I have a daughter who has school and friends.
My thoughts are frightening.

I have never cried as much as I have cried today.
I cannot believe how they have made me feel.
I am defeated by all of them.
They have won. I have lost. Their mission has succeeded.
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Old 08-19-2017, 02:36 PM
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Sorry you are having such a bad day Sasha. If you can, I would try to stop thinking in terms of winning/losing when it comes from differences with your family. If they can't come to terms with your life and how you choose to live it, you may have to simply cut off contact with them. You are an adult and can choose the best life for you and your daughter, what they think is really irrelevant for the most part. It certainly doesn't seem that way if you get in a confrontation, but if they have literally driven you away then it is their loss by a large margin. They win nothing but guilt and shame.
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Old 08-19-2017, 02:41 PM
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What happened Sasha?

Would talking it through help?

You know , that counselling would have taught you techniques to use that might help you get through this. It will not have been a waste - it's just that we are never recovered and the work is dne and finished. It is an ongoing process and sometimes dealing with life on life's terms can be challenging.

You posted here, so are obviously coping enough to remember that posting here is always a good idea. Reaching out. Now. How about checking your HALT triggers and getting those sorted first, thing back and remember what your therapist advised to do in times of stress. If you can't remember maybe some of your SR friends will share their experience, strength and hope with you and offer some suggestions to get you through tonight.

No-contact is always an option with family. Sometimes we happen to have some people we are related to who are unhealthy for us. When there is some distance and things have calmed down after whatever happened today you can think about what bounderies you want to put in place to keep you emotionally safe if you feel that your family aren't good for you.

Your work you did - that work was on YOU. You cannot change them. Their behaviour (what ever happened) was a reflection on them, and not you.

For now, deep breaths. You are alive. You are sober. You have your daughter. You are home. Everything will be fine, one way or the other.


BB x
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:38 PM
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I'm sorry for whatever happened Sasha - but please know you have friends here who care for you and support you and want to help.

A lot of the time my SR family is better than my real family.

Lean on us - whatever it was, it sounds like more a reflection on your family than on you.

I'm sorry for your pain and sadness - but remember you're not alone

D
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:53 PM
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Sasha, many of us have stepped away from our family-of-origin. In recovery, you can choose people in your life who can be your family. And, here at SR, we are family.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:51 AM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through Sasha. Unfortunately sometimes our family lets us down in big ways. I agree with Becky, have you learned some coping techniques in therapy that will help get you through this first period of stress?
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Old 08-20-2017, 02:15 AM
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I have had counselling for years and years.
Not recently though.

My family use the 'I don't remember' as a way of dealing with my feelings.
They never change though.
The unfair treatment between me and my sister continues. It never changes.
I thought that they all had really bad memories.
Now I think they may use that as a manipulative strategy.
Instead of remembering or saying sorry, they deny all knowledge.
Unfortunately i have been 'blessed/cursed' with the most amazing memory.
I remember everything. Every cruel thing they did.

We did not speak for almost a year a about 3 years ago.
They promised they would change their ways and I agreed to resume contact.
But it has not lasted. Gradually their behaviour and actions have gone back to how it was.
They are fickle.
Then they use their advancing age as a means to make me feel bad as I have argued with them.

I think I need to find hard evidence to confront them with.
I just feel consumed by it all.
What do I do?
I don't see the point anymore.
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Old 08-20-2017, 02:20 AM
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Sasha, I can only imagine what you are going through.
I have had some pretty horrible dealings myself this year and the past. I don't know all of what you are going through, but your feelings echo deep inside me.

If you can, take some time to just have down time like dealing with a physical illness.
For me, I had to find chunks of time to fall apart, and to put myself back together a bit, a little bit at a time here and there.
Can you find some space for a breather? Who can you lean on in real time?

Can't express any better other than that what has already been said- we are your family too and are here for you at all times.
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Old 08-20-2017, 02:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post

I think I need to find hard evidence to confront them with.
I just feel consumed by it all.
What do I do?
I don't see the point anymore.
No, you need to dig up the well of self-love and acceptance.
There is no point to them really, they are beyond your control. And if they are making you this sick- which it sure sounds like they are- then a courteous good day may be about all you are able or willing to give. And that is totally within your rights.
You owe them NOTHING.
You owe YOURSELF your health, sanity and overall wellbeing... don't let this consume you!
Cut that part of your life out. They are not a limb attached to you that you require to continue to function on this life plane.

Now's the time you make a plan on how to deal with this- for you- to keep yourself well. Don't factor in the toxic people. Factor in what YOU have control over.
And love yourself, k?
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Old 08-20-2017, 02:34 AM
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But how do you deal with family who consistently carry on with unfair behaviour?
Who never change?

They excuse everything with 'thats in the past'.
Yesterday's row will now be 'in the past'.

How can they see that their own flesh and blood is so hurt, but continue to gas light and pretend it did not happen?
Do I have to contact their friends, aunts, uncles, cousins to show I am not lying?
Do I ask them for a witness statement?
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Old 08-20-2017, 02:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post
I have had counselling for years and years.
Not recently though.

My family use the 'I don't remember' as a way of dealing with my feelings.
They never change though.
The unfair treatment between me and my sister continues. It never changes.
I thought that they all had really bad memories.
Now I think they may use that as a manipulative strategy.
Instead of remembering or saying sorry, they deny all knowledge.
Unfortunately i have been 'blessed/cursed' with the most amazing memory.
I remember everything. Every cruel thing they did.

We did not speak for almost a year a about 3 years ago.
They promised they would change their ways and I agreed to resume contact.
But it has not lasted. Gradually their behaviour and actions have gone back to how it was.
They are fickle.
Then they use their advancing age as a means to make me feel bad as I have argued with them.

I think I need to find hard evidence to confront them with.
I just feel consumed by it all.
What do I do?
I don't see the point anymore.
Hi Sasha

I can only share my experience. For years I wanted to confront my family, with evidence about the way I'd been singled out for bad treatment - but after I got sober I realized that they are never going to see things the way I do - even if I had hard incontrovertible evidence which I don't.

They genuinely believe that all us kids got the same treatment and that they did nothing wrong, or at least nothing worse than other parents.

I struggled with this for years because part of my residual anger was directed at someday somehow making them pay.

I finally realised that I had a good life, I had people who loved me, and I was happy and content - not because of my upbringing, but in spite of it.

I even came to forgive them because they truly had no idea what they were doing.

I've probably mentioned The Shack before - it's a great story about what forgiveness means, and the one thing I took with me from that book is it's hard to move on with your hands around someone else neck.

I'm really glad I let go

D
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Old 08-20-2017, 03:35 AM
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Thanks Dee

I have contacted a cousin who has said she will speak to me tomorrow.
I asked her confirm an event to prove I am not loosing my mind.

I honestly feel in pain.
I feel like I have been stabbed.
I would like to have a long sleep for a couple of years.

I asked them to go to family counselling and they said no, due to their advancing age.
This may sound helpless, but at least if something does happen to them, I won't have to put up with this for much longer.

I feel that i will be free once and for all.
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Old 08-20-2017, 03:47 AM
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Sasha,
So sorry you're going through this. It took me seeing my parents, particularly my Dad, who passed many years ago, as humans who make mistakes just as we do rather than parents in order for me to forgive past transgressions. Just because they are "parents" doesn't make them infallible. Heck, I'll go far as to say some people never should have BEEN parents (this may include yours).
I think so many times we put our parents on pedestals as these figures who should do this and that, but it just doesn't work that way. Once I Knocked that pedestal out from underneath them, things were a lot easier to deal with.
I hope you find Peace with what you are dealing with. Just remember you don't need their validation in order to make your memories real. They are YOURS and they live in YOU every day. YOU need to find a way to get past them, as unfair as that is, and somehow reconcile them in order to be whole and move on.
Lots of hugs.
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Old 08-20-2017, 04:13 AM
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I have NO control over my family for
what they say, what they said, what they
did or what they do. No control and I had
and have accepted that fact that last time
I spoke to them.

Today there is NO contact with them. Period.

Sure that sounds awful to some but that's
not my problem, its theirs. Period.

I have my own life, recovery, sanity,
peace of mind to deal with and associating
with people, (family, friends), places, or
things has no place in it anymore.

I would hope that you can find a healthier,
solid solution to deal with this situation
for you and your daughter and move forward
or away from the madness that is associated
with family and the past you have no control
over and get into some major acceptance
for your own peace of mind, health and serenity.

Of course this is my thoughts and what
has and still continues to work for me.

Placing them into my HP's hands is
the best thing I could have ever done
in my own recovery.
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Old 08-20-2017, 10:54 AM
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going NO CONTACT is a very self-empowering act with those who harm us, do not support us, or in any way disrespect us. they will not see your side.....and you will not see theirs. continuing to confront or try to prove a point with those who do not CARE will only hurt you further.

it's ok to cease communication with family. sometimes it is truly in our best self-interests.

seek your own validation.
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:07 AM
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sasha, think about this:
the family admits the past isnt a lie.
then what?
will that change what happened in the past? will that change them?


And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations.
The higher my expectations of other
people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it compared
to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance
and off my expectations, for my serenity is
directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When
I remember this, I can see I’ve never had it so good.
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Old 08-21-2017, 07:56 AM
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My temper and hurt and feeling wounded comes from their actions and the way they will deny events ever took place, then say it is in the past, then continue with the same behaviour.

It is tiring and infuriating.

I make things worse because I am incapable of not reacting in a negative way.

It makes me look childish and bitter.
I am accused of not having much contact with them already.
I can't believe that they would expect me to be in contact with when they treat me like they do.
However I am an after thought for them.
My advice is disregarded although most times it is not even asked.
My opinion is irrelevant.
In fact I don't even think I am an after thought.
I am not even a thought for them.
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Old 08-21-2017, 11:08 AM
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the stop letting them get the Vote.

you are your own person. you alone get to direct the course of your life. you alone get to chose who is worthy to be a part of your life.

bringing up the same ole same ole will get you nowhere. you will begin to sound petulant and stuck. and you will NEVER let go until you......let it go.

at some point, it stops being about THEM, and is about us.
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Old 08-21-2017, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post
But how do you deal with family who consistently carry on with unfair behaviour?
Who never change?
I would step away and move on with my life. Choose people in your life to be your family. Sasha, don't waste your time searching for evidence. Instead, spend your time loving yourself and bringing caring people into your life.
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Old 08-21-2017, 03:38 PM
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I make things worse because I am incapable of not reacting in a negative way.
I would make that sentence 'in the past i have been incapable'....

I learned new ways of reacting to old triggers Sasha - there's no reason you can't as well

D
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