At a loss.. Maybe I'm just too controlling
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 11
At a loss.. Maybe I'm just too controlling
I believe my husband has an alcohol problem. Not an alcoholic per se, but a problem. He likes his beer. I can't stand when he drinks. He gets testy and dumb. He thought it was ok to drink a case a few days before my due date.. He thinks its ok to have a beer daily, no matter what we have going on. He has promised to quit, soooooo many times and I say ok, and stay. But then, he starts up again and does it in secret until he is found out. Then states he has to do it in secret because I won't let him enjoy a drink. He thought it was ok to leave during my brain surgery to go get a 6 pack to have in the evening when I slept. The trust is so bad we have a alcohol blower for him to blow in. After ruining Thanksgiving and being verbally abusive, he said he got rock bottom. So I stayed. But the last few months I doubted he quit. Then last night he came home and stated he had a drink.. Of course I was very angry, and he said " maybe I don't want to stop, quit trying to change me" and preceded to tell me that since he knew I would be mad Anyhow, he bought a 12 pack cause it didn't matter since I was mad..
I'm seriously at a loss. I'm sick of him saying he'll quit. Then doesn't. I feel like we mean less to him than beer. Sorry this is so long
I'm seriously at a loss. I'm sick of him saying he'll quit. Then doesn't. I feel like we mean less to him than beer. Sorry this is so long
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
There's no law that says you have to stay with him. IMHO people who aren't alcoholics don't have an issue with ceasing to drink when it begins to cause them problems in relationships or anything else. Did he marry you or the beer?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You are trying to control someone's drinking, when he doesn't think there is any problem with it.
His drinking is negatively affecting your life (and I think you are completely reasonable in feeling this way), and he doesn't want to stop. There really are only a few options here.
1 - leave - because that isn't the kind of life you want, and you deserve much, much better.
2 - stay and accept it - because he's going to do it no matter how you feel
The sub options of #2 are :
- let it continue to drive you crazy, continue to try to control it, and become someone you don't even recognize because of the stress of all that
-or, detatch, get yourself some help in counseling, here, at Alanon meetings, and do some recommended reading about codependency and alcoholism
I'm sorry you are going through it. We all know the pain well. I hope you hang around here some and read all you can - you can't have enough support for yourself.
And yeah....to validate you.....your husband sounds like he'd check off about every box on the alcoholic checklist.
Big hugs to you!
His drinking is negatively affecting your life (and I think you are completely reasonable in feeling this way), and he doesn't want to stop. There really are only a few options here.
1 - leave - because that isn't the kind of life you want, and you deserve much, much better.
2 - stay and accept it - because he's going to do it no matter how you feel
The sub options of #2 are :
- let it continue to drive you crazy, continue to try to control it, and become someone you don't even recognize because of the stress of all that
-or, detatch, get yourself some help in counseling, here, at Alanon meetings, and do some recommended reading about codependency and alcoholism
I'm sorry you are going through it. We all know the pain well. I hope you hang around here some and read all you can - you can't have enough support for yourself.
And yeah....to validate you.....your husband sounds like he'd check off about every box on the alcoholic checklist.
Big hugs to you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've gotten some great feedback. I've been around alcoholics/recovery for close to 40 years. I'm almost 9 years sober, myself. He certainly sounds to ME like all the alcoholics I've known.
I'd suggest educating yourself about alcoholism and getting support for yourself in Al-Anon. This is inevitably going to get worse, not better, so what you're seeing right now tis the best it will EVER be unless he decides to get sober and do the hard work to live that way happily. And right now that doesn't look like it's a prospect that would have any appeal for him.
Welcome, glad you found us.
I'd suggest educating yourself about alcoholism and getting support for yourself in Al-Anon. This is inevitably going to get worse, not better, so what you're seeing right now tis the best it will EVER be unless he decides to get sober and do the hard work to live that way happily. And right now that doesn't look like it's a prospect that would have any appeal for him.
Welcome, glad you found us.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Maziemae.....I think we all know what your situation is like.....
What would you like us to help you with?
It sounds like, from what you share, that he is exhibiting behaviors that are associated with alcoholism.
Isn't the biggest issue, for you, that his drinking has been causing problems in your relationship....
Does it matter what you call it...." A guy who likes beer" "a drinking problem" "a problem drinker" "an alcoholic" "drinking abusively".....
Isn't the end result of his drinking a big problem in your marriage? So much so, that you find yourself writing on a sober recovery forum....?
If you keep posting and talk to us, more specifically....we can, better, know how to help you......
What would you like us to help you with?
It sounds like, from what you share, that he is exhibiting behaviors that are associated with alcoholism.
Isn't the biggest issue, for you, that his drinking has been causing problems in your relationship....
Does it matter what you call it...." A guy who likes beer" "a drinking problem" "a problem drinker" "an alcoholic" "drinking abusively".....
Isn't the end result of his drinking a big problem in your marriage? So much so, that you find yourself writing on a sober recovery forum....?
If you keep posting and talk to us, more specifically....we can, better, know how to help you......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 11
I hate to say this but as an alcoholic that is recovering that had her life destroyed by one leave! NOW. I found a kind man that is helping me through this
Originally Posted by Maziemae 
I believe my husband has an alcohol problem. Not an alcoholic per se, but a problem. He likes his beer. I can't stand when he drinks. He gets testy and dumb. He thought it was ok to drink a case a few days before my due date.. He thinks its ok to have a beer daily, no matter what we have going on. He has promised to quit, soooooo many times and I say ok, and stay. But then, he starts up again and does it in secret until he is found out. Then states he has to do it in secret because I won't let him enjoy a drink. He thought it was ok to leave during my brain surgery to go get a 6 pack to have in the evening when I slept. The trust is so bad we have a alcohol blower for him to blow in. After ruining Thanksgiving and being verbally abusive, he said he got rock bottom. So I stayed. But the last few months I doubted he quit. Then last night he came home and stated he had a drink.. Of course I was very angry, and he said " maybe I don't want to stop, quit trying to change me" and preceded to tell me that since he knew I would be mad Anyhow, he bought a 12 pack cause it didn't matter since I was mad..
I'm seriously at a loss. I'm sick of him saying he'll quit. Then doesn't. I feel like we mean less to him than beer. Sorry this is so long
I'm seriously at a loss. I'm sick of him saying he'll quit. Then doesn't. I feel like we mean less to him than beer. Sorry this is so long
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mazie,
He is tired of listening to you complain about his drinking. He wants to drink and there is nothing you can do to stop him. We don't have any magic words of advice that will help you.
Educate yourself about addiction. It is a no win situation for us codies. Help yourself my friend, or else you will drive yourself crazy. Hugs!!
He is tired of listening to you complain about his drinking. He wants to drink and there is nothing you can do to stop him. We don't have any magic words of advice that will help you.
Educate yourself about addiction. It is a no win situation for us codies. Help yourself my friend, or else you will drive yourself crazy. Hugs!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
Mazie...we have lots....dozens...of educational articles on alcoholism and it's affects on the loved ones, here, on the forum.....The above link will take you to them.
You might want to check them out....
I hope that you stay around and keep posting and reading the other real life stories of our many members.....
You will find so many that have walked in your same shoes.....
Mazie...we have lots....dozens...of educational articles on alcoholism and it's affects on the loved ones, here, on the forum.....The above link will take you to them.
You might want to check them out....
I hope that you stay around and keep posting and reading the other real life stories of our many members.....
You will find so many that have walked in your same shoes.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone! I truly appreciate every response! I'm new to this forum, so trying to navigate it and learn, so I may learn! I do feel better that it's just not me thinking he has a problem. Maybe a functional one? It's never affected his job or $$. Just me! Trust me, I'll stick around! No one else gets what I'm talking about! Thanks again everyone!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's never affected his job or $$.
Reading around here will show you a lot of stories about how things don't get any better over time. My point in saying this isn't to try to make you panic, but to make you aware that finding education and support for yourself NOW will be invaluable in charting your course for the future.
Glad you found us here, Mazie, and I hope you continue to read and post. Wishing you strength and clarity as you start to find your way forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 11
It did affect his job one time. He had a drink on his way to work. Got to work and got in a heated debate, the person told a boss he smelled alcohol on his breath, so a breathalyzer was done. He blew .002, he was sent home, but because he was below OSHA standards nothing was done.
He of course put the blame on me, stating if he was allowed to drink a drink at home, he wouldn't have to do it in the way to work..
Like I said he doesn't Drink a ton (drunk) so he claims there is no problem.
He said he is done (again) and is going to find another way to relieve stress and bid on a different job.
At this point I don't believe him, and will plan on moving in the spring.
He of course put the blame on me, stating if he was allowed to drink a drink at home, he wouldn't have to do it in the way to work..
Like I said he doesn't Drink a ton (drunk) so he claims there is no problem.
He said he is done (again) and is going to find another way to relieve stress and bid on a different job.
At this point I don't believe him, and will plan on moving in the spring.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
is a terrifying idea for an alcoholic.....they can't imagine living without drinking. It would be like asking a fish to go without water. At a certain point, an alcoholic has to drink, just to feel "normal" again.
It is not to deliberately hurt you...it is not about you...it is about them having a condition that causes a powerful compulsion to drink....
It is not about just willpower, either. ***If he has never been to AA...he probably doesn't know that....BUT, it is important that you do know that.....
If he is not ready to get treatment for it....you might as well go outside and talk to a tree.....
Blaming others as common as the denial and lying....it is called "deflection"....deflecting blame on to others..
Again, it is the inability to take responsibility for their actions....because, it would mean that, by logic, they would have to quit!
I don't know if you are dependent on him, financially....but, it would be a smart idea for you to begin to make plans for your own job, etc....to prepare yourself for the future....
It is not to deliberately hurt you...it is not about you...it is about them having a condition that causes a powerful compulsion to drink....
It is not about just willpower, either. ***If he has never been to AA...he probably doesn't know that....BUT, it is important that you do know that.....
If he is not ready to get treatment for it....you might as well go outside and talk to a tree.....
Blaming others as common as the denial and lying....it is called "deflection"....deflecting blame on to others..
Again, it is the inability to take responsibility for their actions....because, it would mean that, by logic, they would have to quit!
I don't know if you are dependent on him, financially....but, it would be a smart idea for you to begin to make plans for your own job, etc....to prepare yourself for the future....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by Maziemae
It did affect his job one time. He had a drink on his way to work. Got to work and got in a heated debate, the person told a boss he smelled alcohol on his breath, so a breathalyzer was done. He blew .002, he was sent home,...
Like I said he doesn't Drink a ton (drunk) so he claims there is no problem.
Like I said he doesn't Drink a ton (drunk) so he claims there is no problem.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Maziemae
At this point I don't believe him, and will plan on moving in the spring.
In a way, when he relapses, he's being remarkably honest in saying he might as well go all the way. Believe him, because this is your future unless he's lucky enough to badly want sobriety for himself.
As a recovered A it took me years to come to the conclusion that I had to stop drinking, and then more time until I found the tools that allowed me to succeed. One aspect that helped me decide was that my tolerance for alcohol was growing, as was the amount I was getting through each night. If you draw the graph into the future you see where you'll end up, and its not nice.
If you're ready to accept that he will go on drinking and detach for now (not a long term strategy), I suggest you quietly start building up resources that give you the option of leaving if you want to. This would include a savings account, maybe some legal enquiries, support networks of F&F, counselling or Al-anon, and anything else you feel would help.
From what you've written, and if you do leave or threaten to, your AH will have another heroic attempt at sobriety and make sincere promises to stop drinking. He will mean it, but history shows he can't get along without relapsing so look at the actions, not the words. If he wants sobriety badly enough he'll achieve it without you and if he does for a sustained period, maybe a year or more, you can look at the situation again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Sorry about your situation, Maziemae. We all have suffered from the same condition, in one way or another.
After losing everything several years ago, I must point out that $$ problems stemming from addictions are not always obvious. Like other parts of an addict's life, we can maintain a façade of function, then things all of a sudden can go over a cliff.
What about a mortgage that is over 30 years old, and the person still owes 1/2 the home's value? One can borrow against the equity in a house, and run up credit card balances. The neighbors see new cars in the driveway and think the "Joneses" are doing just fine.
I hope you are correct about your own financial stability. I wouldn't wish the economic chaos I am cleaning up on anyone!
After losing everything several years ago, I must point out that $$ problems stemming from addictions are not always obvious. Like other parts of an addict's life, we can maintain a façade of function, then things all of a sudden can go over a cliff.
What about a mortgage that is over 30 years old, and the person still owes 1/2 the home's value? One can borrow against the equity in a house, and run up credit card balances. The neighbors see new cars in the driveway and think the "Joneses" are doing just fine.
I hope you are correct about your own financial stability. I wouldn't wish the economic chaos I am cleaning up on anyone!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Nope.
Not too controlling.
Can't control another's behavior anyway.
It doesn't sound to me that your husband is ready to make changes, Maziemae.
In situations like yours, I often ask: where do you see yourself in 5 years, or 10?
Still tolerating drunken rants? Still accepting blame and feeling like you caused it?
No way to live, in my opinion.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Not too controlling.
Can't control another's behavior anyway.
It doesn't sound to me that your husband is ready to make changes, Maziemae.
In situations like yours, I often ask: where do you see yourself in 5 years, or 10?
Still tolerating drunken rants? Still accepting blame and feeling like you caused it?
No way to live, in my opinion.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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