How Can I Be Well Again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
How Can I Be Well Again?
Hi Everyone!
This is such an amazing community. I have received life changing wisdom and encouragement here in the past and am forever thankful. It's been a while since I've started a thread here.
I left my ex, who was addicted to alcohol and drugs, about 4 years ago. I lived with him for close to 10 years
The thing is, living with him for so long really messed up my mind and I am still suffering from the effects. I WISH I had left him after the first relapse, and saved myself tremendous suffering. I now have generalized anxiety and, the worst, is the panic disorder I have developed. When I left that relationship I was really traumatized and not coping well. I almost couldn't keep working and was afraid of losing my apartment etc. I needed serious professional help, but I didn't get it, i just plowed through.
When I lived with him, I became a pothead, smoking almost every evening. Before I lived with him I rarely smoked weed and never bought any for myself. I was never into drinking or other drugs, and still am that way. But I really came to love weed. I remember the first time I smoked with him during the day. I hated it. I felt so tired and was used to having a lot of energy, very social etc. but I got used to it, and into it. I started to use weed to cope with the awful experience I was having, the dissolution of my hopes. I became antisocial, anxious, depressed, fat, and tired all the time. I was depressed when I met him, but none of the other things. I was vivacious, always going out, huge circle of friends, thin and a great dancer, and I was pretty bold in general. I went from that to withdrawn and miserable.
After I moved out, and left him. I was severely depressed. I had recently watched my mother die in front of me, and I had ended a 10 year relationship. My ex was also harassing me, trying to get back together. All together, it was too much. I was alone in my apartment and had no local friends, not one. I eventually took solace in weed and started smoking in the morning everyday. That lasted for about three years and ended a few weeks ago. And, I finally told my therapist about it. Now it's all coming out in a more pronounced way. I cried for days, and had sores under my eyes from it, when I came out of the haze. I started dreaming again, and guess who the dreams were about? It's like my mind wants to purge him.
I am working so hard to get the panic disorder under control. I'm on a leave from work for 5 weeks, because I basically had a breakdown - trauma freakout that lasted for days, and am seeing my therapist regularly.
It's hard to deal with the tremendous, long lasting, impact that this horrible relationship had on me. By the end, I was living in terror all the time. He was using hard drugs, having hallucinations and scaring the hell out of me all the time. I felt like my home was a place of terror and unsafe. I would go between a stressful job, to back home, and peace was nowhere. I was destroyed inside, suffering everyday. Trying so hard to stay strong.
And, one of the saddest parts is that I repeated my childhood with him. I thought I had overcome it. Something I said I would never do, was be like my mother. My mother found the worst men to move in when I was young. For example, when I was 16, she moved in a crack smoking rapist. He literally went to jail for raping a 14 year old in a parking lot. But I repeated her mistake by falling in love with a unstable, emotionally abusive addict. Of course, he seemed better because he never hit me etc. But he was majorly destructive in his own way.
The main reason I started therapy was to be able to make better choices and break the pattern. I have made tremendous progress over the past couple of years. I have some really great new friends! I spend more time with the loving part of my family. But now that the weed haze is gone, I think a new level of healing is opening up. I feel like this may be one of the most significant development periods of my adult life.
I am here, starting this thread, because I want to know how you overcame the long lasting effects of the trauma you experienced, in a healthy way. I know I'm not alone here, and many of you have also had lifetimes of trauma to overcome. There are some amazingly strong, wise people on these forums. What were the best things that worked for you? How do you emerge from deep trauma and feel well again? Especially when it's been going on for so long? I'm free from him physically, but his imprint lives on in my mind.
This is such an amazing community. I have received life changing wisdom and encouragement here in the past and am forever thankful. It's been a while since I've started a thread here.
I left my ex, who was addicted to alcohol and drugs, about 4 years ago. I lived with him for close to 10 years
The thing is, living with him for so long really messed up my mind and I am still suffering from the effects. I WISH I had left him after the first relapse, and saved myself tremendous suffering. I now have generalized anxiety and, the worst, is the panic disorder I have developed. When I left that relationship I was really traumatized and not coping well. I almost couldn't keep working and was afraid of losing my apartment etc. I needed serious professional help, but I didn't get it, i just plowed through. When I lived with him, I became a pothead, smoking almost every evening. Before I lived with him I rarely smoked weed and never bought any for myself. I was never into drinking or other drugs, and still am that way. But I really came to love weed. I remember the first time I smoked with him during the day. I hated it. I felt so tired and was used to having a lot of energy, very social etc. but I got used to it, and into it. I started to use weed to cope with the awful experience I was having, the dissolution of my hopes. I became antisocial, anxious, depressed, fat, and tired all the time. I was depressed when I met him, but none of the other things. I was vivacious, always going out, huge circle of friends, thin and a great dancer, and I was pretty bold in general. I went from that to withdrawn and miserable.
After I moved out, and left him. I was severely depressed. I had recently watched my mother die in front of me, and I had ended a 10 year relationship. My ex was also harassing me, trying to get back together. All together, it was too much. I was alone in my apartment and had no local friends, not one. I eventually took solace in weed and started smoking in the morning everyday. That lasted for about three years and ended a few weeks ago. And, I finally told my therapist about it. Now it's all coming out in a more pronounced way. I cried for days, and had sores under my eyes from it, when I came out of the haze. I started dreaming again, and guess who the dreams were about? It's like my mind wants to purge him.
I am working so hard to get the panic disorder under control. I'm on a leave from work for 5 weeks, because I basically had a breakdown - trauma freakout that lasted for days, and am seeing my therapist regularly.
It's hard to deal with the tremendous, long lasting, impact that this horrible relationship had on me. By the end, I was living in terror all the time. He was using hard drugs, having hallucinations and scaring the hell out of me all the time. I felt like my home was a place of terror and unsafe. I would go between a stressful job, to back home, and peace was nowhere. I was destroyed inside, suffering everyday. Trying so hard to stay strong.
And, one of the saddest parts is that I repeated my childhood with him. I thought I had overcome it. Something I said I would never do, was be like my mother. My mother found the worst men to move in when I was young. For example, when I was 16, she moved in a crack smoking rapist. He literally went to jail for raping a 14 year old in a parking lot. But I repeated her mistake by falling in love with a unstable, emotionally abusive addict. Of course, he seemed better because he never hit me etc. But he was majorly destructive in his own way.
The main reason I started therapy was to be able to make better choices and break the pattern. I have made tremendous progress over the past couple of years. I have some really great new friends! I spend more time with the loving part of my family. But now that the weed haze is gone, I think a new level of healing is opening up. I feel like this may be one of the most significant development periods of my adult life.
I am here, starting this thread, because I want to know how you overcame the long lasting effects of the trauma you experienced, in a healthy way. I know I'm not alone here, and many of you have also had lifetimes of trauma to overcome. There are some amazingly strong, wise people on these forums. What were the best things that worked for you? How do you emerge from deep trauma and feel well again? Especially when it's been going on for so long? I'm free from him physically, but his imprint lives on in my mind.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello shutterbug, I am glad you checked in with us!
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Some events/relationships in our lives really do affect us for a very long time. I'm happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist regularly. Have you told him/her what you have talked about here in this post? I'm afraid I do not have any similar experience to share, but I wanted to let you know that I am glad you are reaching out!
I'm sure others will be along soon who can talk to you about how they have been able to move forward and heal. Please take good care!
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Some events/relationships in our lives really do affect us for a very long time. I'm happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist regularly. Have you told him/her what you have talked about here in this post? I'm afraid I do not have any similar experience to share, but I wanted to let you know that I am glad you are reaching out!
I'm sure others will be along soon who can talk to you about how they have been able to move forward and heal. Please take good care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Thank you Seren
I have been seeing my therapist for two years. I was honest with her about everything except the weed, which she now knows about and I'm so glad to not be hiding that anymore. Honestly, since this experience with becoming dependent on weed, I have more insight into what my ex must have experienced with alcohol and heroin. Obviously, withdrawal from weed is not nearly as severe as alcohol and heroin, but now I can empathize more. Still doesn't make his behavior right or ok, but I can understand more, which has brought me some peace. I also quit coffee when I quit weed. I realized that I never want to feel dependent on anything again. I am ready for reality, unfiltered, even though it feels pretty scary right now, it also feels really good in some ways. I want to truly face myself, my life, and want so much to feel normal and well.
I have been seeing my therapist for two years. I was honest with her about everything except the weed, which she now knows about and I'm so glad to not be hiding that anymore. Honestly, since this experience with becoming dependent on weed, I have more insight into what my ex must have experienced with alcohol and heroin. Obviously, withdrawal from weed is not nearly as severe as alcohol and heroin, but now I can empathize more. Still doesn't make his behavior right or ok, but I can understand more, which has brought me some peace. I also quit coffee when I quit weed. I realized that I never want to feel dependent on anything again. I am ready for reality, unfiltered, even though it feels pretty scary right now, it also feels really good in some ways. I want to truly face myself, my life, and want so much to feel normal and well.
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