Why can't I let go.. Why??

Old 08-15-2017, 10:47 AM
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Why can't I let go.. Why??

I am like the addict. Chasing a dream that is not there. She chose drugs. Heroin, meth. Her existence is wrapped up in it and she is fine with that on the outside.

I have problems. Extreme co dependancy, consumed with obsession. Try to go no contact, but I seek her like drugs.

I need help. No where in my small town to get it right now.

I have never been so alone. No friends, no family, no support. Just me and my thoughts. My head tells me one thing, then my compulsion I give into and seek her, knowing the outcome everytime.

I do not know who I am. I just know I am hurting. Of all the failed relationships, loss, hurt, why is this the greatest? Why cant I be like everyone else and accept she is an addict, and that I only have my own life to control. Why do I feel this way when she surely doesnt give me the same.

How do I start to heal and move forward when I am gripped with so much fear. Why cant I stop contacting here when I know its toxic, and that she has no control over her addiction and its her fight, and that all hope is lost. I cant do anything for her but enable her.

I have read and read and read, each story here, so many. There is no hope.

Things are the way they are, not how I want them to be.

I have no control, I am powerless over her addiction.

Why do I know these things yet still hope and pray and try to change the outcome??

For the first time in my life I fully walk alone. No other woman for validation, no sticking this pain deep down and justifying my actions, saying whatever and just moving on.

I need help. Bad, but just dont know where to start. How do I let go. I know I need to, but I love her like no other.

Please help me figure out how to move forward through the sweaty sleepless nights, the nightmares, the anxiety that cripples me. To stop obsessing day and night from dawn till dusk and in my dreams.

To let go and do what I need to save myself once and for all.

To give up on the dream of what our lives should be.

To allow her to jpurney through her addiction as she sees fit.

To begin to grapple my problems.

Ive been through hell. This is the worst. Never have I loved like this. Never have my dreams been so shattered.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 08-15-2017, 11:30 AM
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You can pray change the outcome all you want, but it's not going to change anything. Try praying for a change in perspective and the strength to accept what is happening and the power to control your own reactions to it. It's the hardest lesson to learn and the only one that really matters. Peace to you.
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Old 08-15-2017, 11:36 AM
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For the first time in my life I fully walk alone

i think this ^^^ is what lies beneath. she provided a distraction of epic proportions. the addiction, the fight, now you see her, now you don't. and all the while HER problems took center stage.

now it's just.......you. and your own stuff. and no one is there to distract you. and as romantic and heroic as it sounds, it's not your "love" for her that is causing you this pain, it's your inner self wanting to be loved and recognized. by YOU.
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Old 08-15-2017, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
For the first time in my life I fully walk alone

i think this ^^^ is what lies beneath. she provided a distraction of epic proportions. the addiction, the fight, now you see her, now you don't. and all the while HER problems took center stage.

now it's just.......you. and your own stuff. and no one is there to distract you. and as romantic and heroic as it sounds, it's not your "love" for her that is causing you this pain, it's your inner self wanting to be loved and recognized. by YOU.
Oh wow... Yes, I feel it in me that this is true. How do I start. Iwork nights this week and cant get to a meeting at alanon.
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Old 08-15-2017, 02:03 PM
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Johnnie

If you truly love her you have to let her go for her sake too. I don't know your story but she's an addict. You cant change her - I think you understand that. When you are in a relationship with her your as messed up as she is. It cant be good for her either.

If you cant let go of her for you - then try thinking about letting go of her for her sake - because you love her.

I let go of mine (I love her very deeply). I did it also for her sake. The relationship wasn't working & certainly was taking a toll on her. I did not want to hurt her by this crazy starting up & stopping the relationship merry go round. It wasn't fair to her or me.

If you truly love her - let her go - for her own sake.

Yes these are easy words for someone to say. But I am living through it right now this minute. So I understand completely how you feel.
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Old 08-15-2017, 02:24 PM
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we have a 12 step support forum here!

12-Step Support for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 08-15-2017, 02:46 PM
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i dont know how to do that interquote thing but have some thoughts on stuff ya type:
"I need help. No where in my small town to get it right now."
like most of us, ya prolly needed help a long time ago.
you have to WANT help.
then look in adjoining small towns.


"Why cant I be like everyone else and accept she is an addict, and that I only have my own life to control."
breaking news here:
not everyone else accepts powerlessness and gets help. read around. theres more than one thread from people who felt they had the power even after reading here.not everyone surrenders.

you might not be able to accept because you havent surrendered to the fact you cant control or cure her.
it may be becuase you havent changed anything IN YOU. could be because youre still acting and thinking the exact same way- what would be called with alcoholics a dry drunk, idk what it would be called with codies/enablers.


"How do I start to heal and move forward when I am gripped with so much fear."
first you have to surrender.then you have to WANT to heal.
then you have to stop letting fear control you. get some courage to change YOU.

"Why do I know these things yet still hope and pray and try to change the outcome??"
because you havent surrendered?

"How do I let go. I know I need to, but I love her like no other."
first you have to surrender. then you have to WANT.
then you have to love yourself like no other. show that by getting into action.

"To let go and do what I need to save myself once and for all."
surrender.

"To give up on the dream of what our lives should be. "
surrender.

"To allow her to jpurney through her addiction as she sees fit. "
surrender

"To begin to grapple my problems. "
surrender

lastly:
"
Why do I know these things yet still hope and pray and try to change the outcome??"
because you havent surrendered.
your praying- great!!! however youre not looking at the right outcome that can change- YOUR outcome. it could youre also praying for the wrong things and Gods just been sittin there waiting for you to pray for the right thing- help for YOURSELF.
i can sit in the garage all day, that aint gonna make me a car.

so, surrender. that WANT help and WANT to heal.
then become WILLING to do whatever is necessary to heal.

i think it would also be wise to stop playing God and thinking you know whats best for her when ya dont even know whats best for yourself
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Old 08-15-2017, 08:08 PM
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Jonnie360 I read your post and it really moved me. I identified with it so much. All those raw painful feelings. You acknowledge the truth in the powerlessness to change the outcome for your relationship but yet cannot move past the pain. We have all been there. It is truely the worst pain.
You are in the right place here to begin your journey to healing and inner peace. Surrendering is the right term. I too felt how you felt about my partner. I needed him like a drug. 5 years of hell and momentary heaven (when he was clean for short spells) I would have done anything and believed he was the love of my life. Now I look at him and find it hard not to be consumed by hatred. Now I'm having his baby in 3 weeks.
I'm GLAD I feel hatred, glad I got so low and sick that the only was up. Glad that I finally surrendered to a life of denial and fantasy that one more time and he would be clean was total LIES. Glad I woke up from this hell and chose to love myself MORE than him. Did I ever love him? Who cares because he loves drugs.
You will get there too. One day soon if you choose you will look at your addict and see the selfish sick person they are and all the hurt they caused you and nothing else and you will want to run from it as far as you can.
Keep looking deep down in you for the answers you will find them
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Old 08-16-2017, 05:56 AM
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Hi. I have been trying to sustain my no-contact by distracting myself with audio books (and this forum). Have you read Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More"? It might be helpful if you had ever lived with a drug addict or been in a relationship to one. Not everything in the book applies to me (Beattie is a former addict), but codies become addicted to their caring role. So it's a type of addiction. Listening to it as an audio book is helpful because it sounds like someone is talking to you, and hearing another person's voice is nice.
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Old 08-19-2017, 01:27 AM
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Thank you everyone for the very kind and wise words. I've started a new job out of town. I've been repeating to my self surrender and let go over and over. I have been journaling. I am going to attend alanon in the town I'm working.

I basically have decided that meant help I give her is hurting her. And myself. The longer we go without seeing each other the more numb I become. Not to say I don't have my moments.

Addiction is truly a progressive disease. It's gotten worse and worse and I need this darkness out of my life.

I am going to begin transitioning my life out of this town. I have 2 of my 4 rooms rented and will be renting a rhird, and stating with my brother an hour away until I can get enough cash to get to where my kids are. And the help I need is also there. I really actually have her to thank for helping me grow a pair and get the he'll out of this town that I have been trying to do for years but lacked the guts. The shame and darkness are so raw that its catapulted me to do what I know is right for my kids and myself. To heal and be near them. Sure I'm scared shitlrss, but it's better than being in this town alone watching the woman I loved destroy herself.

I will keep reading and posting. Thanks everyone
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Old 08-19-2017, 02:34 AM
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Choosing to embrace the self and make the steps to our own journey of healing is the best thing to do imo.
Focus on the importance of finding out who you are and loving that person.
Sounds like you have a plan, sounds like a plan for you that can work well.
Strength to you for continuing on the path to recovery from this pain.
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:20 AM
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I always told myself that my axh would not die on my watch!! As I was such an enabler and i was helping "support" him, watching him slowly kill himself. Ugh!!

I was being dragged by my addict for 34 painful years. I was so mad at God for doing this to me and not helping me, help him. Once I accepted God's path for axh, and not my plan for axh, my life changed. I felt I knew more then God. I had a saying at my desk " God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help." That was powerful for me. It taught me that it was not my job to save this man, I just was not strong enough. I believed in a higher power, because I had too. I had to believe that God has a path for all of us, and I had to get out of his way. He would never hit rock bottom if I was always laying underneath him and cushioning another fall.

My life calmed down after my "spiritual awakening". I very slowly moved a way from the codependency with him, and divorced him. I am a Survivor, and you will be too. I did do the work though. During my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week, for 10 solid months, plus sr every night. I was very sick. But I am in a much better place today, loving life, and you will too. It is work, but you can do this!!! Hugs and take one day at a time my friend!!
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Old 08-19-2017, 10:35 AM
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Your story is inspiring. I know what it's like to watch someone kill themselves slowly. I had even said to my STBAXH, watching you do drugs is like watching you commit suicide slowly. I think the turning point for me, what separated us finally, was that he had had an accident from which we both thought he would never return, and I think has some sort of brain damage from it, I had said to someone that it was better if he died surrounded by people he loved than out on the street. The person I said this to said, "Open your eyes, Okatz, if you let him die in this house, what do you think you will have to do? You will have to call the police. You will be interrogated. If you let him die in this house, you will have a dead body here. Is that what you want? As long as he thinks he can live with you and not be responsible for his health, he will keep doing it." That and also, an entirely different person said: "Some people will end up homeless. They have mental health problems. They are addicted to drugs. That is just the way life is. It's sad but that's the way life is. Life is not a fairy tale. So you have to choose what life you want, you can choose to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves, or you can choose to look after yourself."

To the OP, I'm taking my life one day at a time, sometimes ten seconds at a time. One day at a time seems overwhelming so I just say: ten seconds at a time.

Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
I always told myself that my axh would not die on my watch!! As I was such an enabler and i was helping "support" him, watching him slowly kill himself. Ugh!!

I was being dragged by my addict for 34 painful years. I was so mad at God for doing this to me and not helping me, help him. Once I accepted God's path for axh, and not my plan for axh, my life changed. I felt I knew more then God. I had a saying at my desk " God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help." That was powerful for me. It taught me that it was not my job to save this man, I just was not strong enough. I believed in a higher power, because I had too. I had to believe that God has a path for all of us, and I had to get out of his way. He would never hit rock bottom if I was always laying underneath him and cushioning another fall.

My life calmed down after my "spiritual awakening". I very slowly moved a way from the codependency with him, and divorced him. I am a Survivor, and you will be too. I did do the work though. During my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week, for 10 solid months, plus sr every night. I was very sick. But I am in a much better place today, loving life, and you will too. It is work, but you can do this!!! Hugs and take one day at a time my friend!!
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Old 08-19-2017, 10:38 AM
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Yup, just me and my fantasy life. That's the problem with me, a very active fantasy life.

Originally Posted by johnnie360 View Post
I have never been so alone. No friends, no family, no support. Just me and my thoughts.
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:06 PM
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J,
You are no longer alone. You both have a ton of "virtual" friends on this forum. We do care about each on this forum. We care about each others "children" and when one of us is facing an illness or surgery. We are all here to support and help each other.

Maybe one day when you are in a good place in your life, you will come back here and root on the next codie that walks in the doors looking for answer on how to get their addict sober, and you can tell them what you did.

Stick around guys, you will be ok, just stick around. Hugs!!
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Old 08-22-2017, 12:33 PM
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Hi there!!! It's been a while since I've been on here and I'm sure many of you can guess why...yes I let my addict right back into my life. Only to end up in the exact same place again, hurt and lied to and this time cheated on....you k ow I've read many times over with every relapse an addict goes through, it gets worse..I'm beginning to see that with my drug that I keep relapsing on too..him. This time I am taking the necessary steps it takes to rid myself of this person, I. I longer want to be addicted to my drug...him. If you choose to stay with her then accept it for what it is, the pain that comes with her, but if you decide life is much better without her then you are going to have to endure some withdrawal, some pain knowing that clarity and happiness is what you will end up with if you commit to your own sobriety from this person. Hardlessons I replied to you only because I wanted to say a happy hello but this is actually in response to the original note. Hope you are well!!!!




Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Johnnie

If you truly love her you have to let her go for her sake too. I don't know your story but she's an addict. You cant change her - I think you understand that. When you are in a relationship with her your as messed up as she is. It cant be good for her either.

If you cant let go of her for you - then try thinking about letting go of her for her sake - because you love her.

I let go of mine (I love her very deeply). I did it also for her sake. The relationship wasn't working & certainly was taking a toll on her. I did not want to hurt her by this crazy starting up & stopping the relationship merry go round. It wasn't fair to her or me.

If you truly love her - let her go - for her own sake.

Yes these are easy words for someone to say. But I am living through it right now this minute. So I understand completely how you feel.
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Old 08-22-2017, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Lisapurdue View Post
Hi there!!! It's been a while since I've been on here and I'm sure many of you can guess why...yes I let my addict right back into my life. Only to end up in the exact same place again, hurt and lied to and this time cheated on....you k ow I've read many times over with every relapse an addict goes through, it gets worse..I'm beginning to see that with my drug that I keep relapsing on too..him. This time I am taking the necessary steps it takes to rid myself of this person, I. I longer want to be addicted to my drug...him. If you choose to stay with her then accept it for what it is, the pain that comes with her, but if you decide life is much better without her then you are going to have to endure some withdrawal, some pain knowing that clarity and happiness is what you will end up with if you commit to your own sobriety from this person. Hardlessons I replied to you only because I wanted to say a happy hello but this is actually in response to the original note. Hope you are well!!!!
Hi Lisa

I am happy to hear from you. I certainly have thought of you. I'm not happy to read this post. I'm very sorry to read it.

I didn't let her back into my life but I did allow her (by not blocking her) the opportunity to contact me a couple times during one week about a month ago. I wrote about it in my post. Was a huge mistake on my part and pretty much crushed me. Devastating really. I wont be making that mistake again.

I am truly very sorry Lisa for what you had to experience again. It just never changes does it. Its just all so d*mn stupid. I'm finding it very difficult these days to even express myself in a proper way.

I am still here mostly reading on SR. I don't post much anymore. I don't have advice to offer anyone & I haven't had much to say. I am ok - just ok & getting by.

I am glad to hear from you - I am not glad to hear from you given what you wrote above.

Please hang in there. This is one crazy @ss journey which we volunteered for. I will be thinking of you.

Please take care of yourself.

PS block him on everything I blocked her We both deserve better from a so called loved one
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Old 08-22-2017, 01:59 PM
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To give up on the dream of what our lives should be.
Perhaps you can consider the thought of what your life should be.

Before we can be a solid partner in a romantic relationship, we need to be solid individuals. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how much you love someone because your foundation isn't what it should be.

Food for thought.
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Old 08-22-2017, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Hi Lisa

I am happy to hear from you. I certainly have thought of you. I'm not happy to read this post. I'm very sorry to read it.

I didn't let her back into my life but I did allow her (by not blocking her) the opportunity to contact me a couple times during one week about a month ago. I wrote about it in my post. Was a huge mistake on my part and pretty much crushed me. Devastating really. I wont be making that mistake again.

I am truly very sorry Lisa for what you had to experience again. It just never changes does it. Its just all so d*mn stupid. I'm finding it very difficult these days to even express myself in a proper way.

I am still here mostly reading on SR. I don't post much anymore. I don't have advice to offer anyone & I haven't had much to say. I am ok - just ok & getting by.

I am glad to hear from you - I am not glad to hear from you given what you wrote above.

Please hang in there. This is one crazy @ss journey which we volunteered for. I will be thinking of you.

Please take care of yourself.

PS block him on everything I blocked her We both deserve better from a so called loved one

Oh I know that song and dance...block and unblock, block and unblock....ugh. You know what? Im ok to be honest! I have kept him blocked although there are always ways to get to someone, but I have and I feel good. That last episode is really what I needed to let go. It'll take time but I'm going to be ok..I'm excited at the thought of a possible healthy relationship one day and getting myself back to where I was and even further. I had a stumble but I'm ok..I realize that this man will never be what I need him to truly be despite the lies and ******** he feeds me. All of his actions have spoke otherwise and I now know that. Nothing good will ever come from loving an addict. An addict will do what it takes all on their own to get healthy when they are ready..they don't need us. They need us to keep them sick and feeling ok about it.
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Old 08-23-2017, 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Lisapurdue View Post
Oh I know that song and dance...block and unblock, block and unblock....ugh. You know what? Im ok to be honest! I have kept him blocked although there are always ways to get to someone, but I have and I feel good. That last episode is really what I needed to let go. It'll take time but I'm going to be ok..I'm excited at the thought of a possible healthy relationship one day and getting myself back to where I was and even further. I had a stumble but I'm ok..I realize that this man will never be what I need him to truly be despite the lies and ******** he feeds me. All of his actions have spoke otherwise and I now know that. Nothing good will ever come from loving an addict. An addict will do what it takes all on their own to get healthy when they are ready..they don't need us. They need us to keep them sick and feeling ok about it.
Hi Lisa

Yes our addicts are clever & can certainly figure out a way if they want to around a block. So far mine has not done that which I am thankful for.

I am very glad to hear that you are ok. From your words you seem to have a confident attitude & healthy thoughts. I know its also hard. Its all a very big process. But it seems your on a solid path now. Yes it takes time.

Its ok you stumbled. I also stumbled. I volunteered for another round.
They cant help us heal because its their crazy choice in life which causes destruction. The bottom line is we must live a separate healthier life & seek help for our own well being.

Especially over the past six months, I certainly know now that her words said one thing to me but her actions were rarely (or so) consistent with her words. They key is to watch their actions. actions always speak louder than words. Yes we become a means to an end for them. A painful concept to accept especially when you've laid your soul at their feet.

I sincerely wish you all the best.
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