Need to Know its Okay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Clinton, MS
Posts: 11
Need to Know its Okay
I have been struggling with my AH for 12 years now and its crystal clear, that I can't "help" him. No matter what I do, don't do it's just not getting better. Not only does he abuse substances, he is abusive.
I know that the decision of divorce is a no brainer but I just feel like I need someone to say, "it's okay to leave him." I know it's been a long time coming but I don't understand why it feels the way it does.
Just wanted to hear from a group that understands.
I know that the decision of divorce is a no brainer but I just feel like I need someone to say, "it's okay to leave him." I know it's been a long time coming but I don't understand why it feels the way it does.
Just wanted to hear from a group that understands.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi HF
I'm sorry your in this situation
You spent a significant amount of time trying to live with an abusive addict. That's an extremely difficult challenging situation
I don't believe anyone here on SR would find fault with you if you decided to leave an abusive relationship.
I wish you all the best
I'm sorry your in this situation
You spent a significant amount of time trying to live with an abusive addict. That's an extremely difficult challenging situation
I don't believe anyone here on SR would find fault with you if you decided to leave an abusive relationship.
I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Yes hfaith is it ok to leave. No one has to endure an abusive life with an alcoholic. We are all entitled to live a safe, peaceful and content life. No amount of love, talk, pleading, begging is ever going to change someone who doesn’t want to change.
It’s ok to leave him and this unhappy situation.
It’s ok to leave him and this unhappy situation.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Abuse of any kind is a deal breaker and not only is it okay to leave, it is very wise. If you contact a woman's shelter they may be able to offer some good suggestions of how to keep youself safe in the process.
If you have children it may be wise to plan well and have someone there to protect you when you go.
Good luck.
If you have children it may be wise to plan well and have someone there to protect you when you go.
Good luck.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
sweetie, it's ok to do what is healthy for you
it's ok to do what is healthy for you - even if no one else understands or agrees.
Everyone deserves to be happy, joyous and free from any form of abuse.
wishing you the best
it's ok to do what is healthy for you - even if no one else understands or agrees.
Everyone deserves to be happy, joyous and free from any form of abuse.
wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Oh honey. (HUGS)
He is a grown-a** person. Addicts are notoriously good at surviving, even if they are on the streets. He's not your problem anymore. It's hard to let go because they become so reliant on you for everyday things: paying the bills, taking care of the house, small stuff. You become a parent instead of a partner. They RELY on you being unable to leave. They give just enough thanks and show just enough vulnerability to make you feel like you are saving them. Keeping them alive. That you are an "angel." And it's 100% selfishly motivated.
He will be fine. But even if he's not, it no longer has to be your problem. You have permission to let it go. And you have permission to feel a great sense of relief when you do.
He is a grown-a** person. Addicts are notoriously good at surviving, even if they are on the streets. He's not your problem anymore. It's hard to let go because they become so reliant on you for everyday things: paying the bills, taking care of the house, small stuff. You become a parent instead of a partner. They RELY on you being unable to leave. They give just enough thanks and show just enough vulnerability to make you feel like you are saving them. Keeping them alive. That you are an "angel." And it's 100% selfishly motivated.
He will be fine. But even if he's not, it no longer has to be your problem. You have permission to let it go. And you have permission to feel a great sense of relief when you do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It is absolutely OK! When you get married, you are not signing up to be abused or to live in an addictive household. For an addict, that addiction becomes their bride, lover, friend, it is before anything. That is not a marriage.
And anyone who verbally or physically abuses another is not in a place to be married.
Huge hugs. Keep posting and take good care of YOU!
And anyone who verbally or physically abuses another is not in a place to be married.
Huge hugs. Keep posting and take good care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I'm struggling with a similar question and my logical brain keeps onwards towards a sensible route through this weird nightmare of a marriage towards he best outcome for me.
All the other people involved in our lives (kids, relatives etc) will be absolutely fine and the sad truth I don't want to accept, the man I married has changed and so have I, our ways of living our lives - separately and apart, are no longer compatible.
My guilt is misplaced, my efforts have not been in vain, I will learn to protect myself emotionally from self-blame and other negative thoughts in relation to myself as a caring human being.
Time will help, distance will help.
Love yourself, give yourself permission to care about yourself and know this is OK.
I intend to keep reminding myself that I am worth more to myself.
You are worth it too! Xx
All the other people involved in our lives (kids, relatives etc) will be absolutely fine and the sad truth I don't want to accept, the man I married has changed and so have I, our ways of living our lives - separately and apart, are no longer compatible.
My guilt is misplaced, my efforts have not been in vain, I will learn to protect myself emotionally from self-blame and other negative thoughts in relation to myself as a caring human being.
Time will help, distance will help.
Love yourself, give yourself permission to care about yourself and know this is OK.
I intend to keep reminding myself that I am worth more to myself.
You are worth it too! Xx
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