shauninspain

I haven't drunk a drop of alcohol for more than 2 years. This has been a huge step in my life and something that I wish I had done many years ago. However, one result of living without self medicating has been that I have not had the option to 'drown my sorrows', I have had to live with all that goes on in my head and often it's not good.

My moods have always been up and down like a yo-yo all my life, 2 weeks high, 1 week low, rinse and repeat. But in the past I could drink away the lows and spend them in a semi comatosed state on the sofa or in bed. Or binge in the evenings. Without alcohol I now understand why I drank as my head can be a warzone. When in despair I long for the end, and fantasize about ending it all. Last week I was half out the door on the way to the railway track, before I stopped myself. I really see no point to life and wish I were not alive. I lose all love for everything and everyone. All I feel is hate/resentment/and self pity. Multiple negative thoughts racing through my mind, repeating sentences over and over again in my mind until I 'say' them just right. Then on to another sentence, to be repeated 30+ times until I am satisfied that I have said it in a way that 'feels' good. I have had mild Tourettes Syndrome since I was 5 years old and all manner of obsessions and compulsions. I don't long to drink when I am like this, which is a good thing. I just wish I didn't have to feel like dying on a regular basis.

Has anyone else, or is anyone else having this experience? I live in a country which is not my own and although I speak some of the language I am not good enough to explain things to a psychiatrist. Does anyone have any advice.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks.

babyedwards

I've been a month sober now. I also drank to quiet my mind from the terrible thoughts (I have massive health anixety) now that I'm sober my mind is screaming at me daily about health concerns. I don't have much advice but just know that you aren't alone. I never thought I could be strong enough yo give up drinking but here I am. Keep posting and reading in this forum and together we can all get through it. Prayers and Love being sent to your corner of the world.

D122y

Shaun,

I am not qualified to offer help other than say a Dr., and meds., will probably do the trick to help you establish a normal life routine that doesn't periodically involve suicidal thoughts.

I get depressed too, but I have a ton of reasons to live for. I also know that my brain is still recovering from years alcohol addiction.

I believe it can take dacades to normalize. Something to look forward too for me.

Thanks.

Berrybean

I relate to what you say Shaun, and I cannot imagine how you have lasted this long feeling as you do. The answer to me came in the form of a 12-step program worked with a sponsor, which helped me see past my faulty (alcoholic) perception of life, relationships, the world and myself, and develop a new and more healthy perspective. On the outside my life looks pretty much identical to how it looked in my first 6 months of sobriety. From the inside I can assure you that my life feels completely different, and I am completely different to Be if that makes any sense.

I urge you to look past just Sobriety and start working on your Recovery. They are very different things. Prayers for you to find the help you need soon.

BB

Berrybean

Have you looked at this link at all - it looks like there are other English speakers in your situation in Southern Spain looking to link up and support each other... Andalucia

DarklingSong

So sorry to hear you are suffering after all you hard work at quitting drinking. 2 years is fantastic. You may already know this but there is a strong link between OCD and addiction. I read a brilliant book by Gabor Mate- In The Realm of Hungary Ghosts. He explains the link and describes a treatment programme (in the US) that Mate believes can work with OCD and be adapted to use with certain addictions. It may give you some new ideas on a way forward.
If you need more support than self help to get started, even a few consultations with an english specking psychologist could really help.
Best wishes to you.