Meninahelena

My husband used to use cocaine a few times a year socially and I'm not ok with it at all. We talked about it and he agreed he wouldn't do it anymore or after we got married. He said he was looking to stop anyways due to his age and always knew he'd stop when he became a father, aside from that he is incredibly healthy and health consious. Food, exercise, avoiding processed foods and even limits scented candles... so strange that he ever did cocaine.

On his stag he did cocaine . .. he answered yes as soon as I asked him so was honest but I was so upset I almost called off the wedding. I had issues with coke in my family growing up and I refuse to put myself or my children through that. After a long day of discussion we left it as a miscommunication about stopping after marriage and it was one last send off. I left it at that as he only used maybe 3 or 4 times in a year so I didn't think there was an addiction, easy to stop and he promised.

Well he went out with his guy friends last night and I saw a message on his Facebook asking his friend for some "gear" for himself and another friend. I was so upset I was shaking. He told me just a few days before that friend didn't do cocaine. I always get nervous when he goes out, fear that hell do it. Then when I told him I know he got some for his friend he admitted to connecting 2 ppl but that he didn't get any for himself, didn't touch or pay for any just connected 2 people, he didn't do it. I asked him about it, he says he didn't actually do it but he lied last night and all day when I continued to ask if he asked for some for himself. Finally I told him I read the message on his phone and he said finally admitted he asked for it for the both of them and for a day or so got caught up in it as he hasn't been out for a long time and thought about doing it. But on his way to the get together he thought about the fentanyl crisis in the news (coke being laced with it etc) and I had sent him a text saying have fun don't do anything that would make me mad and I'll see you later. So apparently he decided not to do it.

Now I'm having trouble. Even if he didn't actually do it he still thought about it, set it up and planned to do it. Only at the last minute decided against it, what's to stop him next time? What if there wasnt a fentanyl crisis? What if i hadn't texted him? What if next time were fighting And he's upset with me? What if he doesn't ponder until it's too late? And to be honest with all the lies I don't know whether or not to believe him that he didn't do it. I feel like he only admitted to things when he knew he was caught. What is he still lying about now that he hasn't been caught about yet? How could he even consider it knowing that his wife and child are on the line? I made it abundantly clear after his stag I would not stay around if he ever did it again ... I feel like he was choosing it over me, even if he didn't actually end up doing it he planned to for a day or two before their night out ..

He says he has always been honest about doing it when I've asked him in the past, which is true. But after his stag I said I'd leave if he ever did it again and he lied about multiple other things related to the cocaine situation over the last week.

I love my husband and want to work it out and have a beautiful family but Don't want to be the foolish woman who ignores the red flags until it's too late ... on top of this I'm 27 weeks pregnant and scared that I'm putting too much stress on the baby crying for 2 days ... we've lost one baby in the past .. then the lies... he doesnt lie about anything else (that i know of), still I feel I cant trust him anymore. I don't want to stress and panic and worry anytime he's out without me, that's not how it should be.


Worst day I've had in a while and I don't know what to do.. any advice would be helpful

Maudcat

Hi, Meninahelena.
Welcome to SR.
Congratulations on the baby!
You're right. Worrying doesn't help anyone.
Do you have support in the forms of friends and family?
Always hard when you feel you are all alone.
Do you get to Nar-Anon meetings or have another type of group support?
Could be helpful and provide you with clarity.
Keep posting. Good support here.

HardLessons

Meninahelena

I read your post carefully

I'm sorry your dealing with this difficult problem

I was with you & understanding right up to the point where you said your husband didn't use the coke. It just struck me as very odd. He is out with friends. He hooked up the coke buy. He hasn't done coke in a while. When he does coke he chooses it over you. But this time he has the coke is out with friends but didn't do it??? Or was afraid to admit it since you said if he does it again that's it

I don't really know if he did it or not but I found it very strange. I'm sorry to tell you

I wish you all the best

AnvilheadII

addicts don't usually talk about "gear" with coke - gear is the common term for a syringe. and the drugs to go with it. considering he happened to mention in his denial about using coke he referred to fentanyl, i'd said that was a freudian slip........coke and fentanyl are not in the same class/category/use spectrum.

i think you have a bigger problem on your hands that you want to realize. but it is better that you face it all NOW.

HardLessons

Anvilhead. Is correct. I saw about the gear &. fentanyl but didn't want to say more than I did when I said he used the coke

Definite problem going on.

cynical one

I was out traveling thru "the middle" of the US last week. Coke laced with fentanyl is actually a problem there.

OpheliaKatz

I just want to draw your attention to the first paragraph you wrote, because this reminds me of something I experienced. For reference, I separated from my AH who had become violent.

My AH used marijuana a few times a year socially, or so I thought. Sometimes he was iffy about the details. Sometimes it was "last week I used it three times." Or, "I have not used it in four years". We talked about it and he said that I had an ignorant view of drugs and that lots of ancient cultures used pot for pain relief... etc and that it's not like heroin. I don't do drugs and have never tried drugs, so I just thought, well, he must know more than me. (The fact that he called me ignorant should have been a red flag, but then I thought I was very "reasonable", that is, I could listen to "reason"). We talked about my AH stopping all drug use after we got married, and he said he wanted to stop because we were both getting older and wanted kids. He went as far as to convert to Buddhism, and one of the rules of the religion is to promise not to use narcotics. He got into meditation. He made himself the Buddhist "expert". Well, he did not stop using drugs, and when I found out that he had lied, I found out he was smoking synthetic cannabis, which is nothing like cannabis at all as it's a stimulant and more like other synthetic drugs like bath salts. So here I am, an old-ish lady, with no babies, no money cause I spent it all on him and he also stole a lot of money, and (insert grumpy comment).

I think that addicts living with a clean spouse will lie to protect their addiction. They will go as far as to adopt strange health practices and religions to keep up the facade of "normal". In my case, my AH married me to keep up the facade of "normal". There is a faint possibility that he loved me, but that doesn't explain his disregard for my feelings about him refusing to even TRY to attend one addiction support meeting (or even call, or anything) when he knew his use was a negative impact on our lives. I even tried relationships counseling/couples therapy, and in the sessions I was told that he lied to be me because I had put restrictions on his drug use, and I needed to be forgiving of his drug use because he had migraines. I wasted four years of my life in couples therapy.

What I would say to you is this: 1) get your husband some help to get into rehab, but make it his choice because you have no control over if he goes or not. 2) Stay on SR and keep reading posts. I wish I had found this site sooner. 3) If you suspect something, listen to your gut. Your gut is right. 4) If your husband is an addict, and he might be, do not bail him out of his own mess -- do not buy him clothes, do not pay his fines, do not do anything for him that a grown-up should be able to do themselves.

I spent a lot of time bailing my AH out of his mess. He resented it. He said I treated him like a child. Then he would drug himself and ask me why I didn't talk to him nicer, like the way I talk to the pets (I babytalk my pets). I feel that sometimes, people who get addicted to things are people who do not fully know themselves. If your AH really is an addict and does not want help, you have to make sure you know yourself so that you don't get addicted to hope when he has not given you any reason to hope. I was and still am addicted to hope.

Does he have any sober friends or family? Can you talk to them?

OpheliaKatz

I also want to add that the more addiction stories I read on this forum, the more the stories start to sound alike, the more my story sounds like every other story out there. People in active addiction are in denial, so they believe in exceptionalism. Ex: these other people use coke and might have a problem, except me, I can handle it. Or: I tell my spouse everything because I am an honest person, except when it's about coke, because that's got nothing to do with my spouse. When you see someone doing that to you (lying that blatantly), you almost don't believe it because it seems outlandish that they could be that deluded (or that disrespectful to you), so you have cognitive dissonance. You try to connect the dots and you think: yes, he was out and he did supply stuff for his friends, and yes he did not use it cause he said he did not. However, there's a step, or two, missing there, between the buying for his friends and not using it.

You're the only one who knows the truth. When I'm being lied to, I get a stomachache. I used to ignore it.

HardLessons

In my area heroin laced with fentanyl has been in the news. I haven't heard of it with coke.

Thanks